may04journal

May 2004

From the snap I took earlier (above) you can see that Crystal is still glued to Sasha's side no matter what! It's not often that Sasha can escape the cuddling from Crystal and she has sort of resigned herself to the fact that she has a very doting sister. Sasha's tumors have grown and multiplied non stop since the beginning and because of them she is starting to show signs that she's having a hard time. She is too damn good at hiding that she is in any pain, but she cannot hide the fact they are leaking far more often and that she is having a harder time jumping up into windows and even on the master bed.
My wonderful stepfather has created posh carpeted kitty steps for her to use in the bedroom, and I've put chairs near all of her favorite window spots to help her out. This has helped her out considerably and she is most happy with the minor changes to the decor.
I've lost a comforter a few weeks back - I came home from work to find a few large leakage spots that were tinged with blood. I checked out Sasha and her belly was dry and fine (aside from the tumor lumps) and she was just as playful and happy as ever, so I tossed the comforter and put on a spare- keeping a close eye on her for days afterwards and she never leaked that way again. However, the other day we were sitting on the bed during her brushing routine and when she got up to get at some toys I was staring at a hand size soaked spot on the newer comforter. I was quite alarmed, patting it with paper towel to see if it had blood- and it did not- it was just the non odor, clear leakage she has been having from time to time. I scooped her up and checked her out but her belly wasn't even wet. I would surmise that it was from this one area on her belly that has about 5 distinct tumors surrounding and pushing against one of her teats.
Now aside from this she is not showing any other problems. She eats, plays, cuddles and acts like the most carefree kit in the world. With the warmer weather she is now back to grazing outside, with her coveted yard grass and will spend hours upon hours doing nothing but eating grass (and no, never gets sick or throws up at all) and laying on the step in the sun.
It's plain obvious those tumors are winning out- and this leakage is becoming more of an issue. More so it seems for me than her since she acts like nothing is up and I am doing a lot of wash and having comforter issues.
I don't know if I'm being a bad mom or what- this whole situation with her is not at all what I was told or expected. The tumor leakage doesn't have any odor (I was told it would be distinct and horrible to smell) and she doesn't show pain from it. She doesn't over lick her belly and she doesn't show any signs of lethargy, loss of appetite (goodness no), lack of grooming, or anything of that nature. She does show signs that jumping is just getting to hard the more the tumors multiply and grow and she does snore, and breath heavier as they weigh against her lungs. I keep waiting her out and I wonder if I am being bad about it. To me, feeling her belly and seeing this leakage makes me believe she must be in pain- how could she not be-this is quite a weight in tumors she is carrying about- but she throws me by her normal behavior, and of course just now... dragging in a toy and pawing at my leg to play with her.
She has given 3 amazing years of a fight and I lay awake most nights with her by my side wondering how I am going to find the courage to take her in to be put down over the leaking tumors when she shows no other signs. As evil as it may be for me to say- I still wish she would die peacefully in her sleep rather than her last memories being of confusion and vet fear. Somehow though, I don't think I am going to get my wish.
So until I can make up my mind, she is enjoying her life and the warmer weather and I am just doing wash and getting different bedding a little more often than normal...