I have to say Sasha has surpassed even the Vet's initial diagnosis of a few months. And first off I'm sorry that I didn't update for September, but to be honest I am having some troubles myself and wasn't able to be about on the computer as much as I would've liked. Anyhow! In the last two months I've noticed her constantly cleaning her belly and chest area (where all the fur has grown back so it's very difficult to see how her tummy is doing) and I check often for leakage as the vet did say she could go one of two ways -either the cancerous tumors would burst on her belly -creating a lot of discharge or it would move into her organs and lungs first. For myself, since I've yet to see discharge and her belly looks damn healthy if she didn't have the tumor lumps growing -I believe it will internalize and it does seem to be doing so in my mind. She no longer will eat the moist food, and has turned her little nose up at all treats except for the whisker lickins (what is it about those damn things-my lil crystal cannot stand the smell of them but to Sasha they are a prize beyond all prizes!) and in an effort to find some way to spoil her I've gotten some "good" nip for her to frollick in and she does get fresh water tuna a few times a week. She has been more moody of late but still runs about playing so every time I think to myself "It is time" she goes and climbs the curtains or chases lil Crystal all over the house wrestling and playing like a young kit. Right now she is stretched out on the bed behind me here in the den and has her paws wrapped about a gold ribbon (one of her favorite playthings) and sleeping peacefully. She does have a habit more prominent lately of sleeping in the pantry closet -which she never used to do, she always slept with me and Crystal- so I've put a comphy blanket on one of the lower shelves and that is her sanctuary for when she wants to be alone. You know, there are many days that I honestly put her cancer out of my mind and I slap myself for it. She just seems so normal (until I pick her up and feel the tumors) most times it is hard for me to fathom her only being around for a few months more at best. Or I have a rough time and I myself seek to be alone and they follow me about and I have the nerve to be mad about it, then I realize with a shock that I may not have her to follow me around much longer and it brings the pain and worry back. I still vainly wish she could just die peacefully, in her sleep, not suffer the horrid death my Cleopatra had and not suffer the terrifying trip to the vet and me holding her like a vice while the vet puts her down. To me, taking her in and having her last few moments be of a scared and bewildering vet room is the most evil thing- I know I will have to do it eventually (probably sooner than later since the first I see her truly suffering and not eating I will take her in) but... I also know in my heart that I will hate myself for putting her through the ordeal even if in the end it will mean final peace for her- it will still kill my heart to know she was scared and disoriented in the process. Why cannot vet's come to your house when this must be done? I mean, people dying are often given the comforts of home and thus die in a comfortable safe enviroment, I will never understand why we much subject our already fragile children to such trauma just to get them peace and guide them over the rainbow bridge.
Kit *October 13th* |
