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| September 2002 |
| Well! Seeing as how my gal was just prowling along without many instances I figured I would let up on the updates because there really wasn't much to tell except the same thing- she had her moments but overall at a glance you wouldn't know she had cancer... We've come full circle in a way, Since back in September of 2001 her time limit was up! |
| Yet she has blown away the vets (and my own) expectations, bless her strong lil heart! These past few months between updates she has been much the same, having good days and bad, and eating regular (indeed still like a cow) and beating up on her lil sis Crystal. The only way one would know her cancer wasn't being dormant was by the growths multiplying in her belly. Her tummy was full of tumors before but now... now you can tell with the lightest touch (if she'll let you). Several of her tumors are pushing outward centered on a few teat areas and those are the ones that worry me and sadden me most. Sasha still either hides her pain like a magician or isn't in quite a lot of pain yet, since she romps about like a kid and I can still pick her up without her heaving or acting uncomfortable in any way. She does have continual problems with her ears, getting yeast infections in them from her deteriorating immune system, but I keep them medicated up and for the most part they don't get worse. I have noticed her favoring her belly more than ever licking it etc..and it's always my fear she is licking up the seepage from the tumors-since whenever I check her out they aren't leaking and she seems alright, there is no odor about her belly or anything other than the lumps (and of course the lack of fur patches where she's licking herself bald) So I've spread out some old white sheets in areas that she lays most. And of course like this morning my discovery is apparent, they are leaking, a few little spots here and there (not every day) and the spots are less than the size of a dime but they are there... She has even taken to going to back into the closets like she did back in the beginning which is another sign to me that her time is near-since it can be in the 90's in my apt and yet she is on piled blankets in the closets. Even crystal's behaviour towards her and me has changed somewhat -she is far more interested in following sasha around and thoroughly investigates the spots and always is attempting to clean Sasha whether Sashy wants the help or not! Crystal also is glued to my side whenever Sash is in the closets and she cries all the time-oddly enough if I get up to follow her she leads me to Sasha so we all know lil Crystal has gotten the clue now that something is wrong, and something is up big time. It kills me inside since it seems she wants me to do something for Sasha and I cannot and that really ticks lil Crystal off since she'll howl at me if I walk away. You would think I would be prepared for this and you would think I would be grateful that Sasha has kept on lasting even beyond all expectations but realistically I am not. How can I be? Sasha has been my lil gal for a long time and taking her in to kill her (and no I cannot think of it any other merciful way since killing is killing to me) horrifies me. I will do it, I know I must and I don't want her to suffer (and I still second guess myself daily over her behaviour) but I don't have to reconcile myself with it- I hate it and I hate that she was unfortunate enough to get this cancer and above all I will hate myself for making her last moments fearful and afraid. For the millionth time I wish I could have her put down in the house atleast that much would be a comfort to her instead of being whisked off to a sterile vet office that she fears so much and having her last moments be that hellish nightmare. At best I will be shocked if she makes it to December. I keep guessing when it will happen and as callous as it may seem -inside I keep hoping she'll die at home to spare her the vet ordeal- but there is no way around it now, they are pushing out, they are leaking and it's only a matter of weeks I'd imagine until they leak too much and my girl will have to join her friends and first sister in the Memorial Area. I will keep you posted... September 10, 2002 Webmistress Kit |
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