| Bragging Rights (dedicated to an ex-girlfriend, thanks trisha) |
| back in january, my girlfriend broke up with me for no apparent reason. in march, a talent show was held and i wanted to be apart of it. the following is a monologue of my wrong doings: Nate Mecija presents "Sorry For Wasting Your Time" "um... yeah. i sorta, i sorta lied to Ms. Messerle cuz i'm not gonna be doing stand up comedy. (awws from the crowd) yea, aww. well im going to let you in on a little secret. theres one day left alright, theres one day left and i still dont have a sadies date. (small laughs) yea, i dont know how thats possible i mean look at all the ladies around here. ladies give yourself a round of applause please. (applause) yes ladies thank you! thank you for being so ridiculously good looking. okay i havent.... (very small laughs) (from a male audience member: "I'll go with you!") oh you know it (laughter) okay, now i think the reason i havent been asked to sadies is two reasons: one. my parents gave me the genetic make up of a monkey (laughter) and two: im not a funny guy. i have no sense of humor whatsoever. so, so you know what? if i even sound like a make a joke, can you guys laugh just a little so the judges will be like "ohhhh, the audience likes this guy. let's give him $100." okay? (laughter) now i wouldve had a sadies date, i wouldve. but i just recently broke out... (laughter) or broke up with my girlfriend for five months. (awws from crowd) aw? what are you talking about? if i didnt break up with her i wouldnt have anything to talk about so um...yea it was our 5 month anniversary and we got something, we were gonna get each other something that symbolized our love. so i got her a rose, i got her a heart pillow, and i got her a ring with our names inscribed in it. (awws from crowd) yeah, yeah! that's right! yeah! you know what she got me? im gonna show you what she got me. (i pull out ugly stuffed animal) she got me this! (laughter) seriously what is this? im looking at it and it looks like some kind of deformed panther. (laughter) and its black. so our love is symbolized by a black panther. (laughter and applause) what is going on here dude? when i first saw it i was like "um, did i offend you somehow? am i not a good boyfriend?" (laughs) "oh no youre a great boyfriend, but isnt it adorable?" yeah, yeah. its adorable. im going to go up to my filipino gangster friends and say "hey guys, look what my girlfriend just got me. isnt it cute?" (laughs) she couldve got me anything else and i wouldve been happy. but no, she has to get me the ugliest stuffed animal known to man. so you know what? oh you are hot (points to a girl) you are hot. this is for you. right there. (throws panther in crowd) take that. (guy in audience says "thank you") (laughs) now i dont want to make it seem like she was a bad... well, well im not gonna lie to you she was a horrible girlfriend. i mean, blah, eck! blahck! (awws from the crowd) aww i know how sad. but uh, she made me a slave. she would just tell me, tell me what to do. just because she was so ridiculously goodlooking. now whats up with that dude? good looking people always think that they can do whatever they want. i mean she knows what im talking about. (points to girl in crowd) (laughs) they always know what theyre talking about. and whenever i wanted to chill out with the smooth sounds of gangster rap music (microphone feedback) ooohhh light saber. (subtle laughs) with the smooth sounds of gangster rap music, she would say "no put the blink 182 cd back in now!" so you know what? this song is for you. i wrote something. (instrumental to ludacris - "southern hospitality" plays) its called to all the pretty girls except you! (laughs) come on everyone. throw them bows. ficky ficky. (laughter and applause) hey yo, pretty girls all up in this place. im sorry that i have such an ugly face. blahblehwobeoahblh...until they get me in the eyes and spray me with mace. cute girls are hot, cute girls are new. when cute girls see me they be saying "ewwww. i dont want to get with that guy, he looks like poo!" well to that cute girl i want to get with you. i thought i was cool, but its only a thought. check out the chicks that this audience got. i really want to get with that one, yo shes hot! oh she gots a boyfriend my bad i forgot. all my fellas in the house who dont think that im funny, im sorry that i had to waste $5 of your money (laughter) if youre asleep waiting for your friends band to play, you best wake up, cuz im almost done okay? all my ladies in the house who dont think im hot, but thinking that im sorta cute if you squint a lot (laughter and applause) if your sexy and your single, yo you know how it goes. can you give me your number right after the show? (human beat box) (laughter, applause, all that good stuff) sorry for wasting your time guys. (cheers) i got mixed reviews for this performance. some said i should have won first instead of a damn consolation prize. some said i needed medical help. it doesnt matter. i just wanted to do it and have fun with it. i just wish i knew how to upload video so yall could see it instead of just read it. my ex heard about this stand up comedy session and was offended to the point of tears, or so i hear. well, sorry babe but you diss me, i diss you back. and by the way, i never found a sadies date. i diss on my ex girlfriend and i wonder why im still single..... |