HEADLINES

 Anal Arkansas

 Bill Duchbomb was arrested this week at Anal's new eating establishment Gizzard's and Guzzler's after trying to help a choking woman.  As he was taken away, it was explained to him that it was the Heimlich Maneuver and not Hind-Lick.  Although the surprise on the lady's face it did the job.

Anal's Dung soccer team lost this week to Drizzle Arkansas.  The team captain said it was hard to get good footing in Drizzle.  We hope they will do better against Taint next week.  For people outside the area Taint lies between Anal and Drizzle.

Anal's editor interview with Fred.

"Fred, I hear you lost your last name.  Would you care to tell us about it?" (editor).  "Well, I was born with a last name.  My name at birth was Fred Dingaling.  Everyone teased me when I was in school so I made up my mind to become something.  I studied hard and got good grades, went to college, and medical school and became an M.D. which made me Fred Dingaling, M.D.  After a few years of taking my internship, I decided to become a dentist.  So I went back to school and got my D.D.S.  Then I became Fred Dingaling, M.D., D.D.S.  Then I decided to start my own practice.  So I hired a receptionist.  She gave me V.D.  Then people called me Fred Dingaling, M.D., D.D.S. with V.D.  Well, the AMA found out about my V.D. and took away my M.D.  Then I was known as Fred Dingaling, D.D.S. with V.D.  Soon after, the ADA found out the AMA took away my M.D. so they took away my D.D.S.  That left me Fred Dingaling with V.D.  Finally, the V.D. took away my Dingaling and that just made me Fred."

Personal Hygiene 

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.  

  Dating

(outside the family)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Jobs If you can strike a    match? With out burning you fingers Then you can become a welder! If you can ride you trike with out falling off ? You can be a fork truck driver If you can count the hair on your boss's ass and get the same number twice ? You can be a inventory clerk If you can answer the phone with your mouth full? You can become the boss secretary Apply at Buzzard Yard Down town Anal Arkansas		Visit the Buzzard's Biker Bar where Grandma Buzzard is performing nightly 6 nights a week and twice on Sunday. So get those rods up and running and come see Grandma perform. She will be performing deep in the heart of the Anal
Driving Etiquette Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.  When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.  Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.  When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.  Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.		Dining Out    When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.  If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.