This is where I will be posting my personal topics.
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The Beginning I would have to start my personal section by explaining a little about myself. I would have to say I have had a relatively normal childhood. My father and mother got a divorce when I was young. My brother was born when I was about 7, and my sister a couple years after. So living with my mother and stepfather I learned what I know now about life. In school I would have to say I did average. The reasoning be that I was just lazy I would do great on test and do what homework I felt like doing. I excelled in math and science later moving on to computers. In work I would have to say that I give 110%. I have never gotten fired from a job, and I can say that I'm always on time unless I have I speeding ticket or something to show for it, and never called in sick unless I had something bad enough to go to the doctor for. In college I procrastinate little more than I should, but I'm still doing good.
11/16/2004 |
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Poem Depressive
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Who Am I "This was written after being awake for 2 weeks" |
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I
have always told myself that nothing could ever hurt me, and that
I’m not afraid of anything. I am realizing that I’m wrong more and
more everyday. There is
something wrong. That I can not fix. I can feel it burning in side of me.
This is what scares me. Not something being wrong, but the thought of it
being uncontrollable, and its getting worse.
The only thing that I can conclude is that it is Hate for myself,
but what would be causing it. Things
that would normally upset me. I don’t even care anymore, in the past I
wouldn’t let anyone know if something got to me because I thought it was
a sign of weakness but even then I still felt it the pain was that even if
no one else could see it. Although now it seemed like I didn’t care. Its
like pain bypasses my heart and go strait to my brain where it is stored
as hate. Now I can fell it trying to escape.
I can hear it in my dreams telling stories of death and
self-destruction. This thing
knows my weakness and attacks it in my sleep.
Other
than one incident so far I have only see this thing only when I close my
eyes, and I’m afraid. I have seen the thing that I speak of.
I have never seen his face, but when I lay down to rest. He is
there waiting, watching for me to take my last breath in this world.
Waiting for me to cross over to the land of fantasy, and that’s where he
tells me things. Its like he
tells me something, but in the same time don’t.
The things that he says becomes darker every time we meet, and a
few days ago I did something I knew was wrong, and the whole time it
didn’t even bother me. I
didn’t even think twice, but I could feel his presence, and the bad
think is I can’t remember why I did it.
I don’t know exactly what is going on, but I’m having thoughts
that are not normal. I have
always had morbid thoughts, but not like this. I know I sound crazy referring to something in a dream as a him. I know that it isn’t a person or even a physical thing more like a thought, but the problem in my dreams are not the same as they use to be. It’s like someone reading me a book and the only parts I see are the parts I am shown. Second, when I said I felt his presents, it was more like I was in one of my dreams, but the only difference is that I seen the whole thing, and in the end it really happened.
"Depressed Time in my Life" November
29, 2002
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