Genocide

Chapter 1

1. IN the beginning . . . well, actually for time to theoretically exist it must extend infinitely, thus having no beginning and no end.

2. Any way, a long time ago, there was this being called BOB.

3. And BOB, for reasons unknown (some suspect that it was a Physics project) set out to create the universe.

4. On the first day BOB created the heavens and the earth, and they were without form, and BOB looked at them and saw that they were not good.

5. So BOB crumbled them up and threw them away.

6. On the second day BOB started all over again creating the heavens and the earth, and even thought they still weren't all that good, but they were better than yesterday's and so he kept them.

7. On the third day BOB created the light, the dark, and the flormt. And BOB realized that three might be a little too many things for the under-advanced creatures he was about to create. He thought about them trying to create a three-way light switch and he laughed. And so BOB destroyed the flormt and he saw that it was good.

8. On the fourth day BOB watched The Simpsons and he didn't work on the Universe at all.

9. On the fifth day BOB created Fire, Water, Air, and George Burns. And he saw that these things were eternal and that no matter how hard he tried he could not get rid of them, so BOB said that it was good enough.

10. On the sixth day BOB created plants. How exciting!

11. On the seventh day BOB rushed to get everything done, and so he created gnus, platypuses, hippopotami, jellyfish, plankton, kangaroos, and two really ugly things that called themselves Atom and Evil.

Chapter 2

1. AND BOB called Atom and Evil humans. And the humans were the only animals that opted for the pain, boredom, frustration, anguish, and questioning of knowing that they existed. That is why BOB first started calling Atom and Evil his worst mistakes,

2. And so to punish Atom and Evil he gave them the commandment never to eat from the prune tree.

3. And at first Atom and Evil didn't mind, but eventually they started having "irregular bowel movements."

4. And no matter what they tried nothing would make the humans feel any better.

5. So finally Evil took the first bite of the prune and she instantly became a woman.

6. And Atom, who was none too bright, didn't notice what happened to Evil, and also partook of the prune fruit. And because Atom ate it second, BOB turned him into a man.

7. And then the two of them realized that, aside from either a fig leaf that always somehow followed them around or occasionally a floating loincloth, that they were stark raving naked.

8. And the two of them copulated far into the night.

9. And in the morning BOB came down on earth and saw the two of them lying down and smoking a cigarette.

10. And BOB said, "What the hell are you two doing now?"

11. And Atom, who I may have mentioned is none too bright, said, "We ate the prunes and it corrected our bowel movements and then we had sex."

12. And then Evil said, "Yes but I didn't eat the prune first."

13. And then BOB said, "For this horrible crime I will curse the earth with Yoko Ono and AIDS and Three's Company and seven year old rapists and old smelly dog poop and Republicans and Nazis and Gary Puckett & the Union Gap.

14. And Atom and Evil were just thankful that BOB didn't kill them.

Chapter 3

1. AND it came to pass that Atom and Evil begat a son and his name was (Michael) Caine. And Caine had a brother and his name was Table.

2. And Satan came to Caine and said, "Why art thou working and toiling in this field?"

3. And Caine, not being the intelligent type, said, "I dunno. Why art I working and toiling in this field?"

4. And Satan asked, "Dost thou partaketh of the fruit that groweth of the field?" To which Caine replied, "What are you talking about?"

5. "Do you get to eat whatever you grow?"

6. "Yep."

7. "O.K. That didn't work. Um . . . do you get paid for your work?"

8. "I dunno. They keep giving me this green paper with a bunch of numbers and picture of some guy in a wig to me. I eat the little papers, but they cause me to have severe cavities."

10. "You know what they say, 'Money is the root canal of all evil.' Which reminds me, Do you have dental plan?"

11. "Caine have no dental plan. Should I start a Union and strike?"

12. "No. You should kill your brother, Table."

13. "O.K. whatever." So Caine killed his brother. Later that night, A Current Affair had a segment on him called "Brotherly Love goes Awry." Caine gave a short interview from his San Quentin jail cell.

14. Satan was not available for any comments on the matter.

Chapter 4

1. IN the thirteenth year of the reign of Schneringer over the empire of the Arvadites, there was a king in the Land of Bubble named Tramodadondon

2. His friends called him Don for short.

3. Don mistakenly thought that he had heard the voice of BOB come to him in a phonograph.

4. He bought himself four thousand and thirty hundred and fifty and seven slaves so that he could build a "Stairway to Heaven."

5. Don was major dweeb.

6. For when the Tower of Bubble had reached the height of Forty thousand cubits, the people of the land started receiving radio transmissions from Texas.

7. And the country music confounded their languages so that there were pronouns, prepositions, adverbial clauses, dangling participles and the subjunctive mood to worry about.

8. In retaliation, the people of the Land of Bubble (the Bubblites), burned off Don's genitals with a torch.

Chapter 5

1. AND it didn't come to pass that this made sense.

2. And Phineas begat Ahamaz, and Ahamaz begat Ibushua, and Ibushua begat Aratuk, and Aratuk begat Habib.

3. And Habib begat Hillchia, and Hillchia begat Phineas, and Phineas begat Fred, and Fred begat Pebbles, and Pebbles begat Simious, and Simious begat Some Guy.

4. And Some Guy begat His Son, and His Son begat Chara-Phleghm, and Chara-Phleghm begat Farrahlolimonsrtogast- ihefnatorrem, and Farrahlolimonsrt- ogastihefnatorrem begat NoWay.

5. And NoWay was a young man of three hundred and thirty and six years when the voice of BOB told him to build an Ark.

6. And NoWay's first response was, "What the hell is an Ark?"

7. To which BOB responded, "An Ark is sort of like a boat only has one of those, um . . . you know, and it has more . . . of those . . . uh . . . Oh, just build a boat."

8. NoWay asked, "How big shall I make it?" hoping that it would only be a small toy for BOB to play with in the bathtub.

9. And BOB said, "Thou shalt make it very large, for I already have a rubber ducky with which to play in the bathtub."

10. "How large, exactly, is 'very large' my lord?"

11. " Thirty thousand cubits, by forty hundred cubits, by three and three eighths cubits."

12. "Woa! That's a very large boat!"

13. And so NoWay built the boat, and then christened the vessel "Monkey Business"

14. And the voice of BOB came again unto NoWay saying, "Thou shalt now gather up three of every living thing, of every fish and every fowl and every thing that creepeth upon the earth and everything that cheweth their own cud and then mooeth.

15. And ye shall gather three of these, one male, one female, and one future cruise cuisine."

16. And NoWay said, "How shalt I tell apart the male and female mosquito?"

17. And BOB said, "Just do it, you pinhead!!! Don't bother me with trivialities!!!!"

Chapter 6

1. AND so NoWay went out to PetsMart© and purchased the beasts for thirty pieces of silver. NoWay kept the receipt in the hopes that BOB would reimburse him.

2. Then NoWay placed the animals onto the boat from which point on the boat stank like hell.

3. And NoWay's neighbor's started complaining and the had NoWay thrown into jail for disturbing the peace.

4. And so NoWay and his family moved to another community to the east, where the locals took his wife and three daughters and burned them for being witches.

5. And NoWay was fired from his job because he stanketh a great stench. Yea even an odor so unbobly that he had to move into a leper colony.

6. And forty-seven years passed when NoWay finally prayed unto BOB saying, "I have built the boat as thou hast asked. Yea, even I have gathered the animals of every kind as thou hast asked. Now may I ask something, O BOB, why did I do all of this?"

7. And BOB replied saying, "I can't believe you actually did that! Man, you are so gullible. What a joke!"

8. So NoWay lit the boat on fire and then hanged himself.

Chapter 7

1. AND it came to pass that there was a man named Jonias.

2. And Jonias had no son (for he wert a homosexual)

3. And Jonias prayed unto BOB, saying, "Send me a son for thy faithful and obedient servant is lonely and has no heir and no to wash the dishes."

4. And BOB said, "Get thee a wife and then shall I give thee a ray of son-shine" (BOB is quite a punster if I may say so myself).

5. And the next day Jonias cried unto BOB holding aloft (and maybe even brandishing) a butter knife, and he said, "I have followed thy command and got a knife. Shall I now have still now son."

6. And BOB, being the generous guy that he is, caused Jonias to give birth to twin sons . . . after about thirty hours of labor and a swift cut from the surgeon's knife.

7. And Jonias thanked BOB for this wonderful and miraculous blessing in a long and tedious prayer that is not printed here.

8. And BOB took pity on Jonias, who was obviously a raving lunatic, and struck him with a lightening bolt.

Chapter 8

1. MEANWHILE, back on the ranch, Abe "The Profit" Raham was in his twilight years, being 936 years old. When, his 32nd wife, Sarieninaihah (who was only thirteen) gave birth to Abe's first child.

2. And they named the child Immsik, because that is exactly what his mother said when she found out that she was pregnant. (I'm sick!)

3. And Immsik grew up to be a bright young boy in the eyes of BOB, until one day . . .

4. The voice of BOB came to Abe saying, "Thou shalt go to Mount Cyanide and kill thy only son Immsik with a rusty eggbeater all while chanting my name and eating a Twinkie© with mustard on it."

5. And Abe said, "Art thou just pulling my leg, like thou didst to poor NoWay?"

6. And suddenly a bolt of lightening hit the ground between Abe's feet.

7. And Abe called for his son, Immsik.

8. And Abe said unto Immsik, "Why don't we travel to that uninhabited mountain thirty-seven miles yonder and whip us up a batch of scrambled eggs."

9. And Immsik, who was a bright young boy in the eyes of BOB, said, "Thou must be mad old man!"

10. And so Immsik bound his son with ropes and strong chord and gagged him and dragged him all the way to Mount Cyanide on a camel.

11. And Immsik was scared, for he knew the mind of BOB and it had a sick sense of humor.

12. Abe dragged Immsik to the top of the mountain when finally Abe's senses caught up to him (they didn't have a camel to ride on)

13. And Abe cried unto BOB saying, "This is sick! This is disgusting! I will Not eat this Twinkie© with mustard upon it."

14. And BOB said, "That's O.K. Just make sure the cadaver is nice and frothy before you're done with it."

Chapter 9

1. AND there was once a man in the Boblands whose name was Samsonite, for he was named after his parent's luggage.

2. And Samsonite was a Deadhead, and he followed the Grateful Dead everywhere on tour (yeah they were touring even back then).

3. And Samsonite had never cut his hair (or shaved his face or taken a shower or washed his clothes or changed his underwear) and Samsonite thought that this had given him incredible strength.

4. And Samsonite knew that he could never cut his hair or he would lose his strength. He could, however wear a black Greek fisherman's hat, which he did a lot.

5. Anyway, Samsonite drove into Mesopotamia in his VW Bug Van when he nearly ran over this young yuppie female lawyer, named Gretchen (it sounds better than Delilah to me)

6. So Gretchen then sued Samsonite, who unfortunately had fallen in love with her.

7. And the week after the trial, after Samsonite had lost most of his possessions in order to pay the fine was accidentally shot to death by the police while he was breaking into Gretchen's condo.

8. And the coroner, who was Gretchen's brother-in-law, shaved Samsonite's head just out spite.

9. The moral of this story is that dental hygiene is very important. You should see your dentist at least twice a year.

Chapter 10

1. A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away . . .

2. Just kidding.

3. Anyway, there were these three guys and their names were Shamrock, Misha, & Indigo.

4. And the king, who reigned in the land, Nucleargeezer, sent forth proclamation declaring that every forty seven minutes all the subjects of the land must genuflect and grovel to the black velvet painting of Elvis that really cries.

5. And SM&I would not bow down to the black velvet painting of Elvis that really cries because they had back problems.

6. And Nucleargeezer was very wroth at the three of them and he said to his servant, "Bind them to tiny European bicycle seats and force them to watch Three's Company."

7. And SM&I were sore afraid and they did weep.

8. But Nucleargeezer changed his mind before the servant could get around to doing anything about it.

9. So they all lived happily ever after.

Chapter 11

1. ONCE upon a time, there was a man named Joshua, and for some reason he wanted to destroy the city of Jericho.

2. So Joshua prayed unto BOB asking him how he could most easily do this.

3. And BOB asked him why.

4. And Joshua told BOB that it was none of his business why he wanted to destroy Jericho.

5. And so BOB told Joshua that the easiest way to destroy the city is to march around the town for three and a half hours with his ghetto blaster blaring, "Inna Gadda Davita" by Iron Butterfly at 11:00. p.m.

6. The first three times that Joshua tried this he was arrested by the Jericho Police.

7. The fourth time Joshua tried this he collapsed from nausea at having to hear that song one more time.

8. But like they say, fifth time's a charm. And the walls of Jericho came a-tumblin' down, crushing Joshua to death.

9. Which is what you get for telling BOB that something isn't any of his business.

Exit This

Chapter 1

1. AND it came to pass that there was a woman living in the land of Aroma.

2. And she had just given birth to a bright babbling blonde bouncing baby boy, whom she named Morris.

3. And at about this same time, the Farrow (King-like thing) of the land Aroma was ordering out for Chinese food.

4. For the Farrow thought that putting as mush MSG in his body as possible would help preserve him once he became a pyramid hopping mummy man.

5. And the Farrow was also a very superstitious man who believed strongly in the Tao, Palm Reading and his lucky Magic 8 Ball.

9. And then the Farrow opened his fortune cookie. which read: "It would behoove you to kill as many people whose name starts with the letter M."

10. Of course the guy who put that message into the fortune cookie (George) was only trying to get back at his wife (Martha) and didn't really expect anyone to actually take the note seriously.

11. Unfortunately the Farrow took the note very seriously and the next day there was a decree issued throughout the land saying: "Everyone whose first initial is M, is now cordially invited to get slaughtered at 7:00 p.m. tomorrow. Black tie is required. Please R.S.V.P."

12. Finally we get back to Morris and his mother. Anyway Morris's mom was worried about what would happen to her son.

13. So she decided that rather than never seeing her child again, she decided to put her child into a tuppperware dish, and set that floating down the Nila River, where he would be safe and she would never see him again.

Chapter 2

1. SEVERAL days later, the Farrow's daughter was taking her yearly bath when she suddenly saw a small object floating down the river, Nila.

2. You'll never guess what it was.

3. You're right! It was a discarded Coke© can.

4. And Farrow's daughter picked up the can and threw it with all of her might. When it landed it made neither a thump nor a crash nor bang, but rather a Waaaaaaaaaaah!!!! kind of sound.

5. And Farrow looked and she saw a tiny baby wrapped in sweltering clothes and lying in a tupperware. It was Morris (well, I had to tie him back into the story somehow).

6. The Farrow's daughter (how come I keep thinking about this dumb joke every time I write those words?) was a militant lesbian, but like Jonias before her, she desperately wanted a son.

7. So Farrow's daughter got down on her knees and thanked BOB for this blessed miracle.

8. And BOB said, "Don't thank me. Thank Morris's mother." but I digress.

Chapter 3

1. Morris was raised in the Farrow's New York penthouse suite by very kind servants and concubines.

2. Until one day, Morris asked Farrow's daughter, "Are you my mommy?"

3. To which Farrow's daughter could but say, "No. Your mother is."

4. And Morris knew, at the tender age of seven, that he had to help free his people, who had no labor organization.

5. Morris continued to live quietly in his adopted home, despite the occasional squabble with his half-brother, who happened to look like Kojak (or maybe even Yul Bryner).

6. Then on his seventeenth birthday, when Morris finally considered himself to be a man, he marched right into Farrow's office and said, "Free my people!"

7. And Farrow, who was hard of hearing said, "Freida Maples? What the hell are you talking about my boy?"

8. And then Farrow slumped back in his chair and died.

9. He kicked the bucket.

10. He passed on.

11. He expired.

12. He gave up the ghost.

13. Well anyway, he's dead. So now Morris's bald half brother steps in and takes over the keys of the Farrowship.

Chapter 4

1. AGAIN Morris walked in to Farrow's office (it was a different Farrow this time however) and very slowly and deliberately said, "Let my people go."

2. And Farrow, who still held a grudge said, "No."

3. "Please?"

4. "No."

5. "Pretty please!"

6. "No."

7. "With sugar on top?"

8. "Make me."

9. "I will."

10. So Morris stormed off, trying to think of a way to force Farrow to let his people out. Suddenly there before Morris stood a flaming blue spatula.

11. From within the blue spatula came the voice of BOB saying, "Remove thy left shoe."

12. And Morris, rather puzzled, asked, "Why?"

13. And BOB said, "Like Bad Company once sang, 'You're walking on sacred ground.'"

14. And then BOB instructed Morris to take a stick from the following tree and return to the Farrow and force seven plagues onto the land Aroma until Farrow gave in to his demands.

Chapter 5

1. And Morris went and did as his BOB commanded him.

2. And there were seven plagues. The first was a swarm of ducks. And ducks filled the Farrow's lawn. And ducks did inhabit all surfaces of water including kitchen sinks and toilet bowls.

3. And the Farrow's red Porsche was encrusted with duck droppings. And the price of down pillows dropped dramatically.

4. And still the Farrow's heart was hardened (that's what happens when you have to much cholesterol).

5. And the second plague was chronic runny noses. And everyone in the land of Aroma was sniffling and blowing all the time. So there was no quiet.

6. And there was a shortage of Kleenex in the land, so the people used towels and toilet paper and the back of their hand and their down comforters and their shirt tails.

7. And all of the noses in the land were of great scarlet like unto that of a wino.

8. And yet the Farrow would still not let the people go.

9. And the third plague was that everyone had the Jeopardy© think song stuck in their heads. And no one could speak one with another for they were all humming.

10. Attempts at conversation all trailed off into choruses of "doo-dee-doo doot doot doo-dee-doo"

11. And all motions, including those of farming and typing and painting and making love, were all done to the same rhythm.

12. And yet the Farrow would not let Morris & Co. go.

Chapter 6

1. FOURTHLY, there was a plague of the rain of urine.

2. For weeks gallons of foul smelling yellow liquid poured out of the skies, and made it impossible to bathe in the river, Nila.

3. And the drinking water was not fit for consumption by a dog.

4. But still Farrow was being a selfish little pig.

5. And then there was fifth plague, the plague of Dali.

6. And all of the watches and other timepieces in the land started melting off of their owner's wrists.

7. And buildings suddenly became as solid as melted butter. And large twigs had to be used in order to keep the buildings standing.

8. And all the moustaches in the land started looking like eight inch staples turned upward.

9. And still the Farrow acted like a little snot.

10. And the sixth plague was the curse of the Spam©.

11. And all of the meat in the land turned mysteriously into Spam©.

12. And not only did all of the beef and ham magically transform and/or metamorphose into canned mystery meat, but soon all the fruits and vegetables in the land were turned into Spam© too.

13. In fact anything that was even placed on a plate was made into the nasty stuff.

14. And despite the fact that his whole country was starving, Farrow still wouldn't let Morris's people out to play.

Chapter 7

1. AND it came to pass that it was time for the seventh and final plague, the plague of the angel of deaf.

2. And the angel deaf went around door to door and every place that didn't have a mailbox shaped like a little barn, the first born male child would go hard of hearing.

3. And when the Farrow's son (the ex-Farrow's daughter's nephew) started having hearing loss, the Farrow wept.

4. But still the Farrow wouldn't let Morris's people go.

5. And Morris didn't know what to do seeing as he only knew seven plagues.

6. And BOB came unto Morris saying, "Why don't you get all of the people together and charge the gates."

7. And Morris said, "What a great idea boss!"

8. And so Morris gather to together all of his people, who are all kind of upset at Morris for they all had to eat Spam© too.

9. And they attacked the gates and they came a-tumblin' down. And then they started wandering around in the forest.

Chapter 8

1. And the people of Morris (or the Morrisons as they are now called) were wondering out in the jungle for about three months and living off of this Manna brand unleavened bread.

2. And BOB came unto Morris saying, "Let's go up to Mount Cyanide and have a little chat."

3. And so Morris left his people alone for a little while and climbed the mountain.

4. And once Morris had come to the summit (or peak) BOB said, "Morris let me be straight with you, your people are a bunch of morons."

5. And Morris said, "I know my Lord, what can we do about it?"

6. "Give them a set of strict and difficult rules until it gets to the point where they become afraid to even sneeze."

7. "Great idea. Do you have any rules with you right now?"

8. "As a matter of fact, I do." and then BOB produced seven slabs of rock each weighing approximately 1/4 ton. On them were written the commandments (which appear later on in this book).

9. And Morris then made some crayon rubbings of the tablets. and brought them off of the mountain to his people.

10. And when he returned, he saw that his people had held a party while he was gone, and now they were all doing stupid stuff like bungee jumping and worshiping the young Elvis stamp.

11. And so Morris grounded all of them for a month.

Chapter 9

1. And after forty-seven years of wondering around in the woods, Morris finally had his last piece of Manna and then died.

2. And so the people went back to Farrow and the land of Aroma, because they never really wanted to leave in the first place.

The Commandments

Chapter 1

1. Thou shalt not kill thy mother, for it would deprive your father of the chance.

2. Thou shalt not covet any graven images . . . something like that anyway.

3. Thou shalt not take the name BOB in vain. Unbelievers will either laugh inconsiderately at you, or they will stare blankly at you.

4. Thou shalt not think that Garfield is funny.

5. Thou shalt not expose your genitalia to your high school administration on the third Thursday of the month.

6. Thou shalt not pay much for a muffler at Meineke.

7. Thou shalt not set flags of Greenland on fire, they are very rare and valuable.

8. Thou shalt not do your younger sister's math homework.

9. Thou shalt not watch Claude Van Damme movies.

10. Thou shalt not eat papaya in the dark during the winter months with a group of seventeen midget monks.

11. Thou shalt not do satire.

12. Thou shalt not yell the word "not" at the end of the sentence where it doesn't grammatically belong.

13. Thou shalt not send 3,330,000 volts of electricity into your grandmother's body, for she may disinherit you.

14. Thou shalt not listen to albums by Gem or Barbie and The Rockers.

15. Thou shalt not commit suicide, or else BOB will have to kill you.

16. Thou shalt not rap.

17. Thou shalt not play S&M games with your sister unless you use officially sanctioned BOB© brand leather underwear and handcuffs.

18. Thou shalt not in any way support Tom Cruise.

19. Thou shalt not read Andy Rooney for he is a KKK member.

20. Thou shalt not videotape hippopotami mating, for that is not only disgusting and pathetic but it is also dangerous.

21. Thou shalt not make love whilst listening to Yoko Ono albums.

22. Thou shalt not vote for Sonny Bono.

23. Thou shalt not marry Elizabeth Taylor.

24. Thou shalt not recite shampoo ingredients at three in the morning in Cleveland unless you are accompanied by a troll named Al.

25. Thou shalt not at anytime play the bagpipes.

26. Thou shalt not try to be cute by dotting your i's and j's with little hearts.

27. Thou shalt not call anyone "Sugarbums."

28. Thou shalt not have elective surgery of any kind, because it is vein.

29. Thou shalt not try any of this at home. We are trained professionals.

30. Thou shalt not swallow your bubblegum.

31. Thou shalt not stick thy genitals into a light socket.

32. Thou shalt not tug on Superman's cape.

33. Thou shalt not spit in the wind.

34. Thou shalt not pull the mask on that old Lone Ranger.

35. Thou shalt not mess around with BOB.

36. Thou shalt not try to rhyme rutabaga with studabaker in a poem, unless thou art willing to face the consequences of your stupid and thoughtless actions.

37. Thou shalt not consume more than twenty-seven twinkies in less than half an hour (for your own protection).

38. Thou shalt not travel over Mach 10 in a 35 MPH zone, there will almost always be a cop waiting.

39. Thou shalt not get excited about the Olympics.

40. Thou shalt not have school spirit.

41. Thou shalt not be an extra in "Police Academy 8: The Same Old Jokes Again!"

42. Thou shalt not set your neighbor's plastic pink flamingos on fire, thou would probably get sued thou dost that.

43. Thou shalt not eat tofu on Fridays in order to show your respect to BOB, and also because it tastes nasty, Friday or not.

44. Thou shalt not transform the entire population of New York City into eggplants.

45. Thou shalt not say p'sketti instead of spaghetti.

46. Thou shalt not take my Kodachrome away.

47. Thou shalt not divide by zero.

48. Thou shalt not in any way understand Finnegan's Wake by James Joyce.

49. Thou shalt not own any "My other car is a . . . " bumper stickers.

50. Thou shalt not like Garth Brooks just because all of your other friends do.

51. Thou shalt not live in Taos, New Mexico, voluntarily.

52. Thou shalt not remember where you left the car keys.

53. Thou shalt not name your cat Tiger. It is too cliched.

54. Thou shalt not drown your goldfish, O.K.?

55. Thou shalt not write an opera posthumously unless your name is Punjabi Mezzlecrik, Jr.

56. Thou shalt not follow stupid meaningless rules.

57. Thou shalt not attack a tribe of sleeping headhunters single-handedly and unarmed.

58. Thou shalt not bring up your Pac-Man scores in casual conversation.

59. Thou shalt not stick Parcheesi pieces up your nose and then run around your house yelling, "I am a watermelon! I am a watermelon!"

60. Thou shalt not accidentally open the lion's cage at the zoo and then forget to tell anyone.

61. Thou shalt not fill your bathtub with pistachio pudding and then try to drown your cat in it.

62. Thou shalt not send large sums of money to people you don't know in Beverly Hills who say that they can make you a millionaire overnight.

63. Thou shalt not speak without first raising thy hand.

64. Thou shalt not commit adulthood.

65. Thou shalt not step on my blue suede shoes

66. Thou shalt not infringe on other people's copyrights without express written permission.

67. Thou shalt not hate thy neighbor as thyself, unless of course your neighbor borrows your lawnmower, and doesn't return it for three months. And during this time he breaks it and yet does not tell you when he does eventually return it. Then thou shalt hate thy neighbor even as thou hate your spouse.

68. Thou shalt not stick dog doo in between your younger brother's toes while he is sleeping.

69. Thou shalt not eat at Denny's© as long as they have the Corlick sisters as their spokespersons.

70. Thou shalt not risk more then $13.42 on Wall Street or Vegas.

71. Thou shalt not do anything anyone tells you to, unless of course you want to.

72. Thou shalt not purchase any calculators that are any more than three times smarter than yourself.

73. Thou shalt not shave thy head, grease thy naked body, place a rubber glove over thy scalp, and then slide around the linoleum floors yelling, "I am an octopus. Love me."

74. Thou shalt not turn left on red at Kipling and Ralston.

75. Thou shalt not censor the EastEnd.

76. Thou shalt not forget to lift the seat at home.

77. Thou shalt not wear bell-bottom jeans and butterfly collars unless specifically instructed to do so.

78. Thou shalt not burn thy lawn.

79. Thou shalt not work at Taco Bell in August if thy middle name begins with the letters Q-X.

80. Thou shalt not be redundant.

81. Thou shalt not be redundant.

82. Thou shalt not partake of thy father's black shoe polish orally.

83. Thou shalt not wade through six feet of tiger blood in boxer shorts without first gaining written permission from the Pope.

84. Thou shalt not lip-sync.

85. Thou shalt not repeatedly drive a dumb joke into the ground until everyone around you wishes you to be dead.

86. Thou shalt not start every sentence with the same three words.

87. Thou shalt not eat raw fish . . . it leads to singing at Karaoke Bars.

88. Thou shalt not multiply two cubed with eleven.

89. Thou shalt not run by the pool.

90. Thou shalt not do what you want to do.

91. Thou shalt just not, O.K.?

Jorsheth,

the Minor Prophet

Chapter 1

1. Jorsheth was a minor prophet. He probably said something important, but nobody can remember what it was. And then he died.

Psalm Trees

Chapter 1

1. God is BOB,

2. BOB is god,

3. BOB is Love,

4. Love is BOB,

5. Grass is green,

6. Green is grass,

7. Why am I here?

8. Please don't ask!

Chapter 2

1. Oh, what tangled webs we weave

2. when first we practice lying.

Chapter 3

1. There once was a god named BOB,

2. Running the world was his job,

3. if someone would disobey,

4. BOB would make him pay,

5. I like eating corn on the cob.

Chapter 4

1. Roses are red

2. Violets aren't red.

3. Obey BOB

4. or else . . .

Chapter 5

1. My love for BOB is like a yellow rose.

2. And with some sun it grows and grows

3. The golden sun is also a reflection of BOB.

4. For it shines and strengthens

5. And there are little doves who circle the sun.

6. And they sing a pretty song.

7. And the song is a hymn unto BOB.

8. And I look through my binoculars at the pretty white doves.

9. And I think to myself,

10. "The binoculars are just like BOB too,

11. For they amplify and enlarge everything you look at."

12. And it was such an amazing thought

13. That I thought to write it down

14. But when I looked around I saw a memo pad.

15. And the Post-it© notes are just like the word of BOB

16. For they too are bright and stick to your heart.

17. And I took a walk outside

18. And I stepped into some dog doo

19. And the dog doo is just like BOB, because

20. Sometimes BOB can be soft and yielding and forgiving

21. But when you make him mad BOB can be as hard as a rock.

22. And also outside was a dead bird that my cat had chewed on.

23. And I thought, "This too is like BOB."

Chapter 6

1. When I was young my mother used to say to me,

2. "You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar."

3. But now that I am older BOB has said to me,

4. "You can catch more flies with manure, than with either one of the other two.

5. I wonder what kind of moron tried catching flies with vinegar in the first place?

6. Besides, who wants to catch flies anyway?"

Chapter 7

1. BOB means so much to me because he is my light.

2. BOB means so much to me because he gives me might.

3. BOB means so much to me because he's always right.

4. BOB means so much to me because he sleeps at night.

5. BOB means so much to me because he helps me fight.

6. BOB means so much to me because he guides my kite.

7. BOB means so much to me because he is this height.

8. BOB means so much to me because he is so bright.

9. BOB means so much to me because he is life's bite

10. BOB means so much to me because he gave me sight.

11. BOB means so much to me because he's not uptight.

12. BOB means so much to me because he's never trite.

13. BOB means so much to me because his beard is white.

Chapter 8

1. Yes. Yes. Yes.

2. Because he is the . . .

3. HANDGRENADE *******

4. (none but the

5. STars & stRIpes 4ether

6. )

Chapter 9

1. To every season (Turn, Turn, Turn) there is a reason (Turn, Turn, Turn). And a time to every thing under heaven

2. A time to mourn and a time to die.

3. A time to castrate your brother with a sharpened willow branch.

4. A time gather stones and a time to cast away stones and a time to do a PBS documentary on stones and a time to listen to "Exile on Main Street" by the Rolling Stones and a time to get stoned and a time to stone a witch to death.

The Fifth Book of: Kings

Chapter 1

1. ONCE upon a time there was a man named Occupation (but his friends call him "Job").

2. And Job was a straightforward and righteous man in the sight of BOB, even though he had a bit of trouble with the 81st and 82nd commandments.

3. And Satan came unto BOB saying, "I bet you that I can get Job to curse your name."

4. And then BOB said, "Yeah, I bet you probably can."

5. And Satan said, "Don't you want to bet me on this one?"

6. And BOB said, "Why the hell (pun intended) should I bet with you? I already own the universe and I could create another one if I had to."

7. "Well, watch me make Job curse your name anyway."

8. "O.K."

Chapter 2

1. AND it came to pass that Satan tested Job through many sore and trying physical afflictions.

2. And Satan caused Job to have hemorrhoids on his fore head, and Job did itch under his fingernails and deep in his colon.

3. And Job had a constant stream of pus running from his ears, and Job's eyeballs got stuck in the back of his head, so that all he could see was the inside of his skull.

4. And Job had paper cuts where men usually don't have paper cuts.

5. And still Job loved his BOB and prayed to him every night.

6. So Satan tested Job with attacks of every kind.

7. Job's two year old son lodged a pencil so far up Job's nose that there were none who could find it.

8. And Job was bitten by a piranha that some how got itself into Job's toilet bowl.

9. And a stray cannonball from a distant siege caved in Job's shoulder blade.

10. And Job's best friend accidentally rammed a totem pole into his chest.

11. And indeed, thirteen times in less than seven hours did wasps' nest fall on Job's head.

12. And still Job would not curse BOB.

Chapter 3

1. AND Satan tried to worry and stress Job to death.

2. First he caused the lady that Job used to baby-sit his kids to tattoo a swastika on her forehead.

3. Then he caused Job's brakes to momentarily fail. Yea, and he caused that Job's seatbelt was cut in twain.

4. And Job's favorite TV show (The Simpsons) was threatened with cancellation.

5. And then Job learned that seven of his ex-girlfriends had just come down with a deadly sexually transmitted disease. And Job was being audited by the IRS.

6. And what fretted Job most was that Dan Quayle was made vice-president under the king in the land, who alas had unsteady health.

7. And still Job would not curse BOB.

8. And then Satan tried to embarrass Job into quitting Bobism all together.

9. And first Job grew a rather attractive pair of women's breasts.

10. And then Job skin slowly turned into the color of split pea soup, so that none of his clothes matched anymore.

11. And Job became uncontrollably hyper-flatulent.

12. And Job, instead of trees, was suddenly every dog's best friend, so as Job stanketh a great stench even unto the stench of NoWay's ark.

13. And it was rumored (untruthfully) that Job liked country music, and so even his closest friends started avoiding him.

14. And still Job loved BOB even though he was no longer allowed in the churches.

Chapter 4

1. AND again Satan tried testing Job, this time with mental torture.

2. And first Job started seeing Elvis in everything that he looked at. And Job could no longer do his job because all of the little numbers and letters looked like fat sneering sideburned faces.

3. And Job became a split personality, and one of his selves was a prostitute, and another one was Hitler.

4. Job forget all of his multiplication tables.

5. And yet Job would not be swayed.

6. And finally Satan played his trump card, forcing Job to watch not only all of the episodes of Three's Company, but also all of the episodes of the short lived spin-off series (about what happened to Jack Tripper after he got married, co-starring William Aames and Gordon Jump) called Two's A Crowd.

7. And then Job said unto BOB, "You fucking shit head!!! How could you let that happen to me? I spit on thee."

8. And suddenly a lightening bolt came out of the clear blue sky, killing Job instantly.

Chapter 5

1. AND several years later than came a man out of land of Bloohemia named Flortersch, and he begat a son named Dave.

2. And when Dave was about six, he brought a picnic basket out to his grandmother's house where his country was at war.

3. On his way to grandma's house, Dave encountered a large hairy wolf but the wolf didn't say anything because he was suffering indigestion from eating a woodcutter the night before.

4. But anyway, when Dave got out to the battlefield/grandma's house, he saw a terrible

5. sight, for the other team had a giant man out there challenging any to come and fight him one on one.

6. And the giant's name was Goliath (I couldn't think of anything funnier)

7. Dave being a spritely young chap said, "Let me go out there with no armor and just a slingshot for weaponry and let me face this plate-mailed, speer-wheeling, 7' 10", 530 lbs. grown man in a fair fight."

8. And everyone, thinking that Dave was insane, said, "Sure."

9. And plucky young Dave took a couple of stones, stuck them into his sling, walked up to Goliath, and threw one rock at the giant.

10. The projectile bounced off of Goliath and the man did nothing but laugh.

11. Dave then threw the second and the third rocks, but they were equally ineffective. So Goliath started to advance towards the boy.

12. And Dave, who made up in speed what he lacked in common sense, ran away and was not heard from again in another fourteen years.

Chapter 6

1. BUT fourteen years later, Dave did re-emerge and, through not fault of his own, quickly became the successor of the king.

2. So he was hanging out on the roof of his palace when he saw a naked lady bathing in the distance.

3. And her name was Bath-Sheeba, for she liked to bathe frequently.

4. And Dave leaned over to get a closer look and he accidentally slipped, fell off of the palace, and broke his back.

5. Later, in the intensive care ward of the hospital, Dave and Bath-Sheeba got married.

6. And nine months later Bath-Sheeba gave birth to a son whom they named Salamander.

7. And Salamander was a child prodigy just like "Little Man Tate", and so they called him Salamander the Wise.

8. And Salamander, like most princes, inherited his kingdom from his father when his father died.

9. And Salamander was a wise king (they didn't call him "The Wise" for nothing you know) and so he always ended up judging these really weird legal cases.

10. Once there was this woman who hired this hit man to kill the mother of her daughter's closest rival on the cheerleading squad.

11. And Salamander, being so wise, decided to chop the one daughter in two, and whoever gave the better funeral for their half of the daughter, would have to pay a fine of $10,000.00.

12. Salamander may have been wise, but he was also a bit eccentric.

Chapter 7

1. AND came to pass that there was this man named Jonah-nah-nah hey jude, or maybe it's just Jonah (no one's quite sure).

2. Well, this Jonah guy had a real active imagination. During his teens and early twenties, Jonah pretended to be a profit of BOB.

3. Then, in his twenty-fourth year, Jonah disappeared for three days.

4. It has been said that he may have been visited a brothel in a neighboring town, or he may have just been wondering about in the woods and then hit his head on branch and just didn't regain consciousness for seventy-eight hours.

5. Either way, when Jonah returned, he started telling this outrageous lie about how BOB had put him in the belly of a whale for three days to punish him for his sins.

6. And somehow, the digestive juices didn't effect him, and then the Whale happened to go up on this very same beach to vomit him up again.

7. Nobody (not even Jonah's mother) believed him, so they locked him up at Mt. Airy psychiatric center.

Chapter 8

1. ANOTHER story entirely: there was once this man named Jerry.

2. And Jerry must have got around a lot for he had not one nor two but thirteen sons.

3. And Jerry's kids were named Rueben Sandwich, Is-That-A-Car?, Gag, Nebulon, Ashen, Dad, Napa Valley, Similar, Levi's Jeans, Jew-duh, Benji, Joseth, and Albert.

4. And BOB came unto Jake saying, "Thou hast enough children to be country, but if you want to be your own city-state your going to have to come up with a better name than Jerry."

5. So Jerry renamed himself Izrael.

6. And Izrael loved his son, Joseth, more than the others, and so on Joseth's 17th birthday, Joseth received a blue and white polka-dotted shirt from the Gap©.

7. And this ticked off Joseth's dozen brothers, for they were still sporting loincloths.

8. At first they wanted to kill Joseth, who was also having these weird dreams about, midgets dancing and talking backwards.

9. But then they decided the most Capitalist and BOB-like thing to do is to sell their brother to the Japanese, and then tell their father that he died.

10. And that's just what they did.

Chapter 9

1. AND so Joseth came to be working for this one man named Hia Kwon Twong.

2. And Hia's wife, Hae Won, was into this interracial thing with trios and other weird stuff.

3. And Joseth didn't want to sleep with Hae Won because he knew that he would probably get fired (also, she was butt ugly).

4. So Hae Won called America's Most Wanted and got Joseth arrested as the Massachusetts Hatchet Lover. The two did bear a striking resemblance.

5. And Joseth found himself in prison, where also was imprisoned a butler and a cook.

6. And word got around the prison that Joseth could interrupt dreams, so the cook, the thief, the wife, and the lover . . . oops, wrong story. The cook and the butler each had a dream. And they wanted Joseth to interrupt it for them.

7. And the cook said unto Joseth, "My dream was thus: I dreamed that three days from now my former employer, the Farrow, forgave me and gave me my job back. What do you think it means?"

8. And Joseth said "I think it means that in three days the Farrow will forgive you and then re-employ you."

9. And then the butler said unto Joseth, "I dreamed that three days from now my former employer, the Farrow, said that he forgave and then he invited me to his pyramid, but when I got there a bunch of tough men grabbed and at the orders of the Farrow, threw me into a pit of ravenous piranhas."

10. And Joseth said, "I think it means that in three days the Farrow will forgive you and then re-employ you."

11. And then three days later both the cook and the butler were invited to the pyramid and were never heard from again.

12. And the prison wardens were so impressed by Joseth's amazing ability to interrupt dreams, that they promoted him from inmate to Police chief.

Chapter 10

1. AND it came to pass that several years later, the Farrow (not the same one in Exit This) was having a bad dream.

2. And the Farrow called unto his butler saying, "I have just had a bad dream. Call together all of the smart people in the land and ask them to interrupt for me."

3. And so the butler called up Joseth and asked him to interrupt the Farrow's dream.

4. And Joseth appeared at the pyramid and was immediately ushered into throne room.

5. And Farrow said unto Joseth, "Interrupt this dream if you can. There I am, in my underwear and I'm going to church.

6. And while I am at church, my mother, who has been dead for five years comes up to me and whispers in my ears the words 'blue spaghetti'.

7. Suddenly I am riding this dinosaur and some how I know that I have to get to the K-Mart in 27 minutes.

8. But no matter how hard I try, the dinosaur won't turn right. So in the end I am eating this chocolate bunny and right when I got to the eyes, I woke up. So Joseth what do you think it means?"

9. And Joseth said, "I think it means that it's time for you to forgive your father for running out on your mother when you were just five."

10. And Farrow said, "Oh yes it's true. I'm so sorry daddy. Please forgive me. Mama! Mama!"

11. And then the Farrow fell into Joseth's lap weeping.

12. And so Farrow put Joseth in charge of welfare and foreign aid.

Chapter 11

1. NOW in the country/house of Izreal, Joseth's dozen brothers were starving to death because of a famine (well, why did you think that they were starving to death? for fun?)

2. And one of the brothers, I think it was Napa Valley, said, "Why don't we go to Japan and apply for some welfare?"

3. So the next day, they flew to Japan on a camel, and came to Joseth's office.

4. And the brothers recognized not Joseth, for he had grown a beard.

5. And Joseth decided to play a little trick on his siblings, and so he arrested them for insurance, tax, welfare, and Sigmund fraud.

6. While they were in prison that thirteen months, they were all tortured, particularly Benji.

7. And then Joseth released them and they all had a warm, happy reunion. That night during dinner the baker's dozen of them decided to kill their father and then divide the kingdom into twelve equal parts (Albert didn't want to own part of a country, but really wanted to be a street mime.)

8. So Joseth finally got to return to his home, and the brothers even let him stick the first dagger into the body of their father.

The Gospel According to:

St. Bernard

Chapter 1

1. AND it came to pass that there was a woman named, Martha, and even though she was betrothed she had known no man (in other words, she was a prude).

2. Then a ministering archangel, named Mike, came unto Martha saying, "Lo! Woman thou art most blessed above all other babes for thou art great withe BOB's love child."

3. And Martha said but how can this be for I have known no man, least of all BOB?"

4. And Mike said, "Behold, BOB came to you while you were sleeping and then he forgot to use the immaculate contraception. So now thou art blessed."

5. And Martha said, "Blessed my ass! (she was referring to her donkey) Waking up every morning to vomit! Spending hours in labor! All so I can raise some spoiled little brat who thinks he is greatest miracle in the world just because his runaway father, who never helped with feeding or changing the little monster, created the BOB damned universe!!!"

6. And Mike said, "Shut up you bitch! Nine months B.B. is no time to think about getting an abortion, so basically you're stuck, babe."

7. And Martha said, "I suppose that The Almighty BOB wants to name the kid, too."

8. And Mike replied, "But of course." and then he took this long parchment out of his holy robes and read:

9. "And his name shall be called Wunnerful, the anti-school Counselor, The mighty BOB, the everlasting Energizer, the prints of piece."

10. And it seemed to Martha that those words, although they were a crappy name, with a little work, could make great song lyrics.

11. And so Martha said, "What if I just call him BOB Jr.?"

12. And Mike said, "Yeah I guess that'll be alright."

Chapter 2

1. AND it came to pass that Martha wed a man by the name Raymond, because she had to marry somebody seeing as she had just been knocked up.

2. And Raymond was a plumber, and when April 14th rolled around, Raymond had still not done his taxes.

3. And it came to pass, that Raymond the plumber, went unto H&R Block, in the town Nazareth, and behold, there was was a multitude outside of the building, and yet Martha was still great with child.

4. But there was no room for them at the tax consultant.

5. And so they pitched a tent outside of the place.

6. And now there were these auto-mechanics, and Lo an angel came unto them and said, "Lo, be thou not afraid. I bring you good tidings of great joy."

7. And the head mechanic said unto the angel that was hovering above him, "Yo, like we ain't afraid of nobody."

8. And then there were this host of angels in the heavens and they were singing, "Purple Haze."

9. And then the angels said unto the auto-mechanics, "Yea, go thee unto the H&R Block next door and under a neon letter B there shall be a tent,and this shall be a sign unto you that in the tent shall there this day be born unto you a holy savior.

10. And then the head mechanic said unto his fellow mechanic, "Let us now depart thence, dudes and see this great miracle come to pass."

11. And when the auto-mechanics came unto the tent they saw a very large Martha screaming like the devil and the saw Raymond unconscious on the floor with a bruise on his head that was about the size and shape of a frying pan.

12. And several days later Martha gave birth to little BOB Jr. and there were halos above their heads and someone painted a picture of it.

Chapter 3

1. AND there were these three and a half wise men, from the East (probably New Jersey), and they brought with them gifts of Frankenstein, incest, and peppermints.

2. And they were following a sign from the heavens, namely that neon letter B.

3. And when the wise men finally did come unto Martha and the holy child, and the first wise man said,

4. "Beware the wrath of King Harry, for he has heard that thou shalt give birth to a child that shalt on day be greater than him, and so he is jealous, and wants to kill him, so you better move to Egypt to protect him."

5. And Martha said unto them, "Art thou pulling my leg?"

6. And the third wise man said, "Yep, you're on Totally Hidden Video."

7. And it came to pass that Martha spit on the three and a half wise men.

Chapter 4

1. AND it came to pass that several years later, BOB Jr. was visiting the university in Iceland. And he was only five years old.

2. And BOB Jr. confounded all of the professors (for they, like most teachers, are morons) and so they expelled him. But BOB Jr. didn't mind because he wasn't even enrolled in college.

3. And BOB Jr. had no friends as a child for he was too different (students are sometimes stupider than teachers) and at the age of seven BOB Jr. wrote his first suicide note.

4. It was written in crayon on the inside of a shoebox lid and it had a little picture of a tombstone underneath it.

5. But BOB Jr. didn't know how to kill anybody, least of all himself, so nothing came of it.

6. And his mother and step-father never saw the note.

Chapter 5

1. WHEN ten years or so had passed, BOB Jr. decided that he wanted to become a martyr when he grew up.

2. And to prepare for his mission he decided to starve himself, alone, in a wilderness.

3. No one was quite sure how watching ants eat more than him would help him any but they let him do it anyway.

4. And BOB Jr. resolved to keep this up for forty days and forty nights (well, could hardly do it for, say, forty days and twenty-eight nights, could he?)

5. And while he was in the wilderness, Satan came unto him and said, "Hey, how's it going?"

6. And BOB Jr. said, "Do you mind?!?!? I'm trying to meditate in solitude here!!"

7. And Satan said, "I'm sorry about this, but I've got a job to do. It's not a bad job. The conditions are terrible and there is next no vacation time, but the pay is pretty good. Anyway, I figured that if I got you to sin it would be a lot easier on me convincing my other clients to do the same."

8. And BOB Jr. said, "I guess you have a point. So what have you got for me?"

9. "I'll give you this Radioactive Man #1, if you'll just give up this ministry right now."

10. "I can't read."

11. "How about a night of total passion alone with Cindy Crawford?"

12. "A night of total passion? I could eat good pasta and watch the Simpsons any time I felt like it. Besides if Cindy Crawford was there she would probably expect me to be a good host and entertain her."

13. "What if I offered you everything ever created?"

14. "My father, BOB, already has everything ever created and all it has given him is an ulcer."

15. And so Satan left BOB Jr. alone in the woods, muttering under his breath.

16. And BOB Jr. stayed an extra day in the wilderness (he forgot to bring his watch.)

Chapter 7

1. And when BOB Jr. left the forest knew that in order to continue his mission, he would need thirteen dedicated souls to be his disciples. People who could organize his schedule, and take his telephone calls and carry him around and peel his grapes and pay for his hotel rooms.

2. And he also had a pretty scraggly beard at this time.

3. So BOB Jr. wondered about the countryside and he ended up in a YMCA basketball court.

4. And there was a man, named Paul. And he was trying to cut down and steal the basketball net.

5. And BOB Jr. called unto Paul saying, "Cast your net into the sea there are bigger fish to catch so come follow me."

6. And this so frightened Paul that he fell off of his ladder and landed on his head.

7. And from that point on Paul was BOB Jr. most devoted servant.

8. And in similar fashion did BOB Jr. gather all of his disciples, most of them having recently received head wounds also.

9. And their names were Valentine, Patrick, Larry, Darryl, Darryl, Bernard (that's me!), Sleepy, Dopey, Moe, John, Paul, George, and Ringo.

Chapter 8

1. AND BOB Jr. walked through the land with us being his roadies and he healed this blind man.

2. Then he healed this lame woman.

3. Then he healed this leper from his runny nose.

4. Then he healed this woman with ingrown toenails.

5. Then he healed this one teenager's case of acne.

6. Then he healed the muffler in this '57 DeSota.

7. Then he healed the Elephant Man.

8. Hell, he just healed a lot of people.

Chapter 9

1. And still the Sadducees hated BOB Jr. (for they were "sad you see"? Ha-Ha.) not really they hated him, because like all intellectuals, they were jealous.

2. And they tried to stump BOB Jr. by asking, "Who's face is on this one dollar bill?"

3. And BOB Jr. said, "It's George Washington."

4. And the crowd was amazed, but the Sadducees walked away vowing to get him next time.

5. And BOB Jr. walked out to this mound of dirt and he did stand atop it, and he began to preach.

6. And he said: "Blessed are the cheese makers for theirs is the dairy of heaven.

7. And blessed are the meek for when everyone has either polluted or atom bombed this place into a pile of rubble, and the brave and the wise have moved to some place more hospitable, then shall the meek inherit the Earth.

8. And blessed are they who pick the numbers 2, 4, 5, 11, 17, and 23 in the lotto next week for they shall win $1,000,000.

9. And blessed are they who mourn for they will probably get an inheritance real soon.

10. And blessed are those wearing pacemakers for they cannot ride the roller coaster.

11. And blessed are they who have a lot of money, for they have a lot of money.

12. And BOB Jr. went on rambling like this for several hours.

Chapter 10

1. AND it came to pass that the crowds who had gathered to hear BOB Jr. speak were getting hungry.

2. And BOB Jr. said to his disciples, "What do we have to eat?"

3. And disciples said, "We have but half a stick of chewing gum, some left over tomato soup, a piece of sting, and a small paper clip."

4. And BOB Jr. said, "Well then well just have to make a run for the border."

5. And so we went unto Taco Bell© and ordered 700 soft chicken tacos and 1500 burrito supremes and we charged the whole thing to BOB Jr. who was running up quite a tab.

6. But the cashier guy apparently made a mistake and only charged us $13.42 for the whole thing.

7. And so we all decided that it was a miracle.

Chapter 11

1. AND it came to pass that ten leopards came unto BOB Jr. saying, "Heal us."

2. And BOB Jr., being the nice guy that he is did in fact heal them, by commanding them to wash seventeen times in the river Styx.

3. And only one of the leopards came back to thank him.

4. So he turned the other nine into cottage cheese.

5. And there was this wealthy man who came unto BOB Jr. saying, "I have done all that thou hast asked, what more must I do to enter the kingdom of heaven?"

6. And BOB Jr. said, "You must give up all of your worldly possessions and live like a bum and drink large quantities of alcohol that were left unfinished on street corners and you must contract a venereal disease, and just when you're on the point of dying, get all of your money back, take a long hot shower and then die a week later."

7. And the wealthy man said, "Sure, no problem. Maybe I can even sell my life story to Mel Brooks, who could do a commercially unsuccessful movie about it."

8. And BOB Jr. turned to his disciples and said, "It is easier to get a camel threw U.S. immigration than it is to get a rich man to enter heaven."

9. And we all nodded in silent agreement, because that was our job.

Chapter 12

1. AND the Sadducees were still mad at BOB Jr. and so they conspired to kill him.

2. And to help them they got one of the disciples (I think it was Darryl) to at a secret meeting to point out which one was BOB Jr.

3. I would've thought that the T-shirt that said: "My Father Is A Deity And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" would've been enough of a clue.

4. Anyway, Darryl had to wear a red dress and kiss BOB Jr. on the cheek to point him out to his captors to be, and for this he was paid Thirteen pieces of silver and a Mickey Mantle trading card.

5. And so we all went out to dinner that night, but some guy kept on bugging us about holding still while he painting this picture of us.

6. I would've thought that the name of the painting ("The Last Dinner") would've tipped BOB Jr. off, but he was having too good of a time.

7. And then BOB Jr. turned to me and said, "Before the cock crows tomorrow morning, you will deny me thrice."

8. And I said, "Your wish is my command, O master."

Chapter 13

1. AND behold we came unto the garden of gastronomy.

2. And BOB Jr. said, "I'm going off to pray to father for a while, you guys keep an eye on me O.K.? Especially you in the red dress."

3. And BOB Jr. wondered off into the woods a ways, so we all fell asleep.

4. And when BOB Jr. came back down he awoke us all, so Darryl saw his opportunity, and he kissed BOB Jr. on the cheek.

5. And suddenly a group of strongmen jumped out of the bushes, and in the ensuing melee, someone lost their ear (I think that that it was Vincent Van Go)

6. But still we lost the battle and BOB Jr. ended up being taken away captive by the Sadducees.

Chapter 14

1. AND the Sadducees took BOB Jr. unto Poncho Pilot, who was judge in the land, and they said unto him, "Accuse this man of something, anything, so that we may kill him.

2. And Poncho Pilot said, "I would prefer not."

3. And so the Sadducees took BOB Jr. to People's Court, but Judge Wapner fined the Sadducees $50 for sexual harassment and neglect.

4. And so the Sadducees took BOB Jr. to Julio Seizure, but he didn't even speak English so they could get him to let them kill BOB Jr.

5. And so the Sadducees took BOB Jr. back to Poncho Pilot (they forgot that they had already tried him once).

6. And they said unto Poncho Pilot, "Let us kill this man or we will have to kill you."

7. So Poncho Pilot charged BOB Jr. with tax evasion and vehicular manslaughter set his execution date for Easter.

8. But first Poncho Pilot had to go through this complicated ritual where the people either got the choice of increasing taxes to pay for a new prison or just crucifying everyone who didn't fit inside.

9. And the people voted down the tax increase, of course.

10. And so BOB Jr. was crucified, rather painfully, on a blue spatula (they didn't have enough crosses seeing as it was Easter time).

11. And above BOB Jr. was a little sign that said: "Here is a commie smelly stupid fag."

12. And three days after BOB Jr. was killed, he was still dead.

Parables,

as told by BOB Jr.

Chapter 1

1. THERE was once a man, and he had two sons named Prodigal and Other.

2. And this man was very wealthy.

3. And one day the son, Prodigal, got sick of his rich father sexually molesting him so he took his share of the inheritance and took off for L.A.

4. And so the man killed the fatted calf and whipped his other son, Other.

5. While living in L.A., Prodigal fell in with a bad crowd and at first he started doing pot and coke.

6. Eventually he became a drug dealer while doing a little pimping on the side.

7. Soon enough, Prodigal was killing people for money and was having a great time.

8. But of course Prodigal fell in love with a nun from San Deemis, and after several years of trying to get to go out on a date with him, Prodigal gave up and tried to hang himself.

9. Of course he failed and ended up temporarily in an institution.

10. Finally the state released Prodigal into his father's custody. And when he returned home his father beat him to death.

11. But Other wasn't jealous.

Chapter 2

1. NOW there was this man (don't these guys ever have names?) and he was very wealthy (of course) and he had in his employ a wise servant and a foolish servant.

2. And the man was going to go away for a couple months and he gave twenty talents to each of his servants (talents are like twenty dollar bills, we just call them talents to make the symbolism that more obvious).

3. And the one servant took the money and invested in AT&T. Within hours, the servant increased his master's money 3,576 times.

4. So he took out the money and constructed a version of the Taj Mahal, only on the east coast.

5. Only it also had a motel and a casino.

6. And a freak hurricane hit the resort community and all of the money was lost.

7. The other servant took the money and hid it under a rock.

8. And when the man came to recollect his money, the one servant had to admit his mistake and he was sent to debtor's prison for the rest of his life.

9. And the other servant couldn't remember under which rock he had buried the money, so he was sent to prison for life too.

10. The real question here is which servant was the wise one which one was foolish?

Chapter 3

1. ONCE upon a time, there was a gardener (no, he doesn't have a name either).

2. And this planter must have been blind because he kept scattering his seeds into some of the dumbest places.

3. He sowed some seeds in the parking lot where they tried to grow between the cracks but they kept getting run over.

4. And he sowed some in the manure fields where they may have grown up really well, only no one will ever see them because the place smells so bad that no one will ever come near it.

5. And he sowed some in the carpet where they were vacuumed up to soon to sprout.

6. And he sowed some in his butt, but they didn't grow because that is "where the sun don't shine."

7. And he sowed some in the bookshelf and I don't know how they could ever grow there but some of them did.

8. And he planted the rest in good soil. And they grew up and increased a hundredfold, which caused a giant breeding and infestation of mosquitoes, causing an epidemic of malaria. And every one died.

Chapter 4

1. AND there were these eleven vestal virgins, and they were waiting outside to get into this wedding reception where they were planning on picking up some men.

2. And five of the virgins only had one container of oil for their lamps. And half through the night they had to stop by the Kwik-E-Mart to purchase another thing of oil for their lamps.

3. And another five of the virgins had two things of oil, but they ran out too. But still they waited in the dark (being virgins you would think that they would know when they've being stood up).

4. And the last virgin had a flashlight and a pair of official BOB© brand batteries. And six weeks later when the bridegroom finally remembered that he left them out there only she was still waiting.

5. So the bridegroom de-virginized her.

Chapter 5

1. And there were these two men and they were each going to build a house.

2. And the wise man built his house upon the rock for it was a strong foundation.

3. And the foolish man built his house upon the sand.

4. Then one day a huge storm hit the island and the house that the foolish man built was swept clean away but the house that the wise man built stood strong.

5. Of course the foolish man didn't care much for he had sold his house (as "beachfront" property) to a newlywed couple from California.

6. And of course the wise man later died from complications from the hernia he developed while trying to build the house all by himself.

7. And of course the couple from Arizona drowned so that the foolish man didn't have to worry about getting sued.

8. And the moral of this story is: never buy a house from a foolish man, because even the losers get lucky sometimes.

Chapter 6

1. AND there was once this rich man, and he mocked BOB so he died painfully the next day.

Chapter 7

1. NOW there was this woman, and she was very poor, for she had thirty-two children and she believed strongly in BOB.

2. And there was also this other man who was very wealthy, for he owned a bank.

3. And when the Annual BOB Fund raising drive came up, the rich man only gave $20,000,000.00 which was but half of what he owned.

4. But the poor woman, who only had a $13.42 to her name, went out and tried to rob a bank (by coincidence it was the bank that the rich guy owned) so she could give more to BOB.

5. Unfortunately the police shot the woman to death before she could make her getaway.

6. The truth to be learned from this story is: Don't be stupid.

Chapter 8

1. AND there was once this man and his name was . . . uh, . . . Fred.

2. And Fred was traveling to the land of Summary, when he attacked by this band of Crypts, who beat repeatedly about the shoulders and then took his money.

3. And while he lying there the cast and crew of Emergency 911, including William Shatner, set up and waited for someone to rescue him.

4. And along came this priest, and he ignored the bleeding man, for he was not a Bobist priest but rather a catholic priest.

5. And along came this high school Assistant Principal and he yelled at Fred for having food in the halls.

6. And finally, along came this good Summaryan, and he threw Fred a dime so that he could buy a Band-Aid© but Fred did not retrieve the dime because he was already dead.

7. And later on in the week the same group of Crypts killed both the Catholic priest and the Assistant principal, but they did not harm the good Summaryan, for the Bloods got to him first.

Ax

Chapter 1

1. AFTER BOB Jr. had died the apostles (disciples) got together and said, "What the hell do we do now?"

2. And Bernard decided that he would write his memoirs so he could sell the rights to Cecil B. DeMille.

3. And there was this man and his name was Fault

4. And Fault was traveling on the road between Damascus and Mecca (or maybe it was Akron and Columbus, I don't know).

5. And Fault hated BOB, because he was traumatized as a small child (If your parents named you Fault you would be very traumatized too).

6. And an angel appeared before Fault saying, "Change your name to Salt."

7. And so he did and suddenly he didn't hate BOB anymore. So, Salt became the first Bobarian (or converted Bobist).

Chapter 2

1. AND the disciples decided that now that BOB Jr. was dead it would be a good time to take a vacation.

2. And Valentine traveled Greenland where he taught to the natives about the importance of friendship and kindness and forgiveness.

3. And the Greenlanders arrested Valentine and stoned him to death.

4. And Patrick traveled to the land of Bophuthatswana.

5. And while he was there he tried to convert the people to Bobism.

6. And the Bophuthatswanians stoned Patrick to death under the charges of conspiracy.

7. And Larry traveled to Liechtenstein, and while he was there he went skiing.

8. And Larry also tried to convert some of the people unto BOB.

9. And Larry, actually had rather moderate success, converting 10% of population to Bobism (seeing as how there are only ten people in the whole country, it really isn't that impressive).

10. And Larry died in an avalanche a week later.

11. And Darryl sailed unto Mexico, where the officials really didn't like him.

12. But before the police could arrest and shoot him with a firing squad, Darryl drank some of the water a died from a bad case of diarrhea.

Chapter 3

1. AND the other Darryl traveled to Oregon where he quit Bobism and joined a cult of Satan-worshipping, yuppie, hari krishna skinheads.

2. And then Darryl was mysteriously struck by a lightening bolt.

3. And Moe decided that he would actually just stay home and hide under the covers (He's a smart guy).

4. And Paul traveled to France where he saw the Eiffel Tower.

5. And Paul decided that he didn't have to do any work while he was on vacation.

6. So Paul didn't teach the natives about kindness and charity.

7. And Paul was crucified upside-down on the charges of littering (he spit over the side of the Eiffel Tower).

8. And John traveled to Pittsburgh where he joined a heavy metal band and gained some local popularity and then O.D.'ed to death on Pepto-Bismol©.

9. And George traveled to Munich where he taught the inhabitants about Quantum Physics and Genetic Engineering.

10. And George became a professor of Religion at the University.

11. And George got married to this nice local girl named Ingrid, and they raised seven healthy and normal children.

12. And George died at the age of 104 from Old Age (at 104 what did you expect?)

Chapter 4

1. And Sleepy, the beloved, traveled to Washington D.C. and preached to the locals about the evils of lying and corruption and dishonesty.

2. So the natives were very wroth and the Committee for the investigation of Un-American Activities sent Sleepy to the electric chair.

3. And Dopey came unto the land of Chocolate where he died from severe obesity.

4. And No one knows what happened to Ringo, but we did get a postcard from seven years later from Egypt that said: "There are no bad snakes and the weather is better than the water. Love R. P.S.: Shave your knuckles, Harriet."

5. It obviously was a dumb prank (hoax) perpetrated by a group of Theloneous Monks.

6. And Salt later committed suicide.

John's first epistle to the Pennsylvanians

Chapter 1

1. DEAR Pennsylvanians,

How is the weather out there? I hear you guys recently purchased a new church. Well good for you guys.

2. The reason that I am writing you is three-fold (well that's how many times you have to fold a letter to get it to fit into the envelope. Ha-Ha.)

3. Anyway, I thought I'd just drop you a line to remind you of some of the basic principles of the gospel of BOB, and I if I do a really good job, this letter may actually be canonized into a book of scripture.

4. To be perfectly honest with you though I don't think that there is a shot in hell of that happening.

5. First item of business, remember that a bathroom is different than a restroom. That is why you don't see signs that say "Ladies' Bathroom" because there probably isn't a bathtub in the whole place.

6. However in casual conversation most men and women will say, "Mommy, can I go to the bathroom?"

7. So it is your duty as Pennsylvanians and as Bobists to rise above the peons and say, "This mall has no bathroom. It has but a restroom, even though after rubbing shoulders with you unwashed heathen I am in desperate need of a shower."

8. This will not however bring you a lot of friends.

9. But then again not much about being a Bobist lends itself not unto popularity.

Chapter 2

1. NOW, a true Bobist is someone who notices people's, culture's, society's, and humanity's flaws, and often times a Bobist will make lots of money making fun of these flaws.

2. Unfortunately, however ninety-six times out of a hundred and one, the ones being lampooned will spend a lot of money hearing you complain about how awful they are, but they will not change their filthy habits.

3. So do not become a lover of other people's flaws just because you get some cash in the process.

4. Besides to be a true Bobist one must first recognize their own faults and then either try to change their problems or they could find some place where no one really minds and then try to live with their flaws.

5. And do not spend a lot of time trying to get money. Because, even though money can buy happiness, if you are too pre-occupied with trying to get the money in the first place you may forget to actually go out and purchase some happiness.

6. And now I warn you again, Do not do what others want you to do.

7. If people tell you what they want you to do they have at least put some thought into it and they think that it would be a good idea for you.

8. However, if your peers are just sending you these subtle little hints, and saying stuff like, "Some day you really ought to . . . " it's just because they're doing whatever it is alone and they don't want feel abnormal.

9. Besides that, they probably want someone smarter than them to stand up to their defence when the whole thing crashes down on them.

10. So if you are under the impression that you're the only one of your friends that doesn't like Garth Brooks, take it as a complement.

Chapter 3

1. AND now I will exhort you that you put your faith in BOB, because if you don't he will strike thee with a lightening bolt.

2. And remember, you are always, approximately 24,859.82 miles due south of yourself, so act like it.

3. And when things get too weird, or too normal, or just don't know anymore, you should rely on "The Meaningless Gesture", which is like unto that of making a shadow doggie, and when necessary you can whisper the word, "Hef" to go along with it.

4. Does 2 + 2 = 4 ? Not exactly, but it as as close a humanly possible.

5. But what are the differences? First of all one is on the left side and the other is on the right.

6. And one is a question while the other is a quantity. Besides you can't add two and two because first of all there are not exactly the same. Because nothing ever exactly equals anything.

7. However when asked what two plus two equals on a math test, don't write all of this down, it involves too many words and abstract concepts and letters that don't stand for anything for most math teachers to handle.

8. Besides most math teachers are illiterate anyway.

Chapter 4

1. THERE is this fly buzzing around the room and it is really distracting me.

2. Anyway, have you ever noticed how some things are too good to be true, but nothing is ever too bad to be true, or even too purple to be true. And do you know what, there's a reason.

3. I sincerely hope that I have not bothered you too much already O.K.

Love,

John

4. P.S. Harriet, shave your knuckles.

Elevations

Chapter 1

1. IN the seventh seal there will be a dragon, and he shall hold a blue spatula in his right hand and a flaming cow in the right.

2. And the dragon shall feast upon the earth as if is were a jawbreaker with gum in the middle.

3. And the dragon's name shall be Fred, and his breath shall be very bad.

4. And the number of the beast shall be 420-5499.

5. And John Elway's number shall be seven.

6. And the Toronto Blue Jays will pull it out in the sixth game to defeat the Atlanta Braves in the 2036 World Series.

7. And the moon shall turn to blood and stain all over the earth.

8. And there shall come a man named Carl Sagan, and he shall announce the coming apocalypse of the Cosmos.

9. Listen closely to the Cows, they have seen things. And it shall taste like soap.

Chapter 2

1. AND in the sixth seal there shall be a man, and he will eat a book in his right hand.

2. And in his left hand shall be a package of frozen peas.

3. And the peas shall be the earth and there will be no time for those who don't already have the form filled out.

4. And there shall be wars and rumors of wars and rumors of near-wars and hints at rumors of near-wars.

5. And there shall be fire and the shall be an uprising in England. And there is a box that shall not be opened till Xmas.

6. And people will not know that the X stands for BOB.

7. And I stand (and be counted) for BOB.

8. For there shall be no mercy when the time of judgment comes. And those who were without will be within, and those that are within will be brought to the right hand. And the chattel will be brought to the left.

9. And Rap shall walk the earth freely again, and those who try to oppose it will be rewarded in heaven.

10. And then shall there be a giant armadillo and will be cruel to those who voted for Dan Pass as Student Body President, and those who voted for Jose Sandoval as Latin Club President.

11. And so shall it be.

Chapter 3

1. AND in fifth seal there shall be seal guts, and seal intestines, and seal aortas, and seal lungs, and seal colons, and seal fat.

2. And there will be man riding through the desert on a horse with no name.

3. For there ain't no one for to give me no pain.

4. And it shall come to pass that there will be maggots crawling out of humanity's eyeballs and they shall careth not.

5. And the word of BOB shall spread over the zitty face of the planet like a tube of Oxy-10©

6. And it shall come to pass that the ampersand shall be used more frequently.

7. And the weather shall be very unpredictable, and Radar Doppler 9 will be destroyed in a flood.

8. And many men shall quake at the sight of thirteen bags of potato chips in a green basket.

9. And the piper will call us all to reason, but "Big Brother" will be watching.

10. And there will be large rocks falling out of the sky, and they shall land in complex geometric patterns.

11. And there shall be a crescent wrench.

12. And the day of reckoning shall be Thursday, and it shall be at 7:00 p.m. and there will be no rocks to hide under, And you saw the hole of the moon and it was a great and terrible orifice.

13. But that's what happens when you shoot for the moon.

14. And only Argentina shall escape.

Chapter 4

1. IN the fourth seal portions of the land shall returned to 1536 A.D. and the will get no five cent deposit in California.

2. And there shall be Louise F. and Bonnie C. and Lisa S. and Karin and Kathryn and Connie and Putter and Cootz and Cheerleader and Nancy.

3. The piper calling you to join him.

4. And the thirteen tribes of Izreal shall be re-united. And Albert will have his own land and it shall be paradise.

5. And crowds will gather to see the man on a red horse and he shall have the Book of BOB in his right hand.

6. And many shall say, "Where's the Beef?" and there shall be but Spam©.

7. Question not little children, "Who was that?" For that was your future as death passing before you like a turbo penguin.

8. And there will be an ancient archangel sitting on the shoulder of the mountain.

9. And the files will be lost and all will be as it was during the holocaust. And there shall be mental chaos which shall bring about emotional hell.

10. Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, The piggies shall be killed in the Helter Skelter and they will turn to attack the Blackbird.

11. And there shall be no good taste in North America, and people will watch Cheers and enjoy it.

12. These arms of mine are wanting, wanting to hold you.

Chapter 5

1. AND in the third seal, there shall be not much . . .

2. And in the second seal, there shall be a place where everybody knows your name.

3. And it's asking for the taking, trembling, shaking, Ah my heart is aching. We're coming to the edge running on the water, tripping and falling in face first.

4. And there will be those who doubt and thou shalt eat a scorn and it shall be as salted honey on thy lips.

5. And many men will question the meaning of this and it shall be told of them that there is a bee on high that stings those who paint Cambell's© soup cans.

6. And there are many of the wild gophers that need flesh to gnaw on into eternity. Don't be a volunteer.

7. Beware! or don't . . .

Chapter 6

1. AND in the first and final seal there shall be an omen, and it will be Drew Barrymore.

2. And the shall be shadows taller than our souls.

3. And DQ hot dogs will save our society as we know it, but only if it is applied properly.

4. And I will not be fireman when I grow up because I find the second verse so sad, but I will rack up the eighths that belong to me.

5. And destruction will reign on the earth, and because people are so stupid. Only 666 people will even notice. And only 15 people will care. And they will be unable to do anything about it because they are still in high school.

6. . . . and turn the hearts of the fathers to children and the hearts of the children to their fathers lest I come and smite the earth with a curse. Well, that's it. Old friend Doug Schaffer standing by. We'll get some coffee, we'll get some motzah ball soup. I'm rooting for the Nicks this year, if you're betting in the NBA I think they're going to go all the way. So, I guess there is nothing more to say than . . .

THE END.