Oh, hello. Um . . . . Hi. I don’t know. This whole thing just, uh, seems so formal and awkward. I mean . . . uh . . . you’re out there sitting in your comfy seats, or are they com . . . anyway, you like paid a lot of money to be here and . . . uh . . . this is like my - my room. You know, I don’t even let my parents come in here and . . . this is where I sleep . . . and, and watch TV and this is where and, um . . . well, I don’t have a lot of friends - who, who come over that much. So, like usually, I’m the only person who has . . . ever been inside of my . . . and well, it’s kind of distressing. You know, I’m not used to having so many - or any - people in . . . well, this is the room I masturbate in, and I don’t like . . . it’s distressing to have so many people in your bedroom. Especially when there’s nothing happening, you know. ‘Cause see there is nothing happening here. And I mean, well, um, yes, I suppose something could happen - And I’d like it . . . I’d be relieved, too, you know, if something finally did happen to me . . . in here . . . but like I can’t really see that . . . at least, I didn’t pay money to see . . . but well, realistically, I can’t see anything rally exciting or . . . although if something - and theoretically anything is possible although you know the truth is that one thing and one thing alone is truly possible: that is that thing that does happen . . . but if something does happen here . . . and no one else has been in here since . . . well, I - I can’t come up with a really good, you know comically exaggerated . . . um . . . metaphor. But, like it’s been a real long time since . . . maybe sixth or fifth grade - or . . . But you know if something big, did happen you consider this whole . . . thing here to be like foreshadowing. ‘Cause, there isn’t like much potential for . . . real dramatic forward motion if, like . . . without like another character or . . . to like interact with. I’m not saying it’s impossible, like Spalding Gray or . . . but it’s like hard for there to be any conflict . . . plot without someone else to . . . you know someone interesting - someone with some personality . . . well a pleasant person . . . I always figured I would make a good sidekick or evil henchman or comic relief or - you know . . . nothing ever happens to me, I don’t make a very good protagonist ‘cause like . . . I’m annoying. You have already guessed as much, I bet. I know it. I know it. That’s why no one ever visits me in my room. I talk too much. I’m just . . . And you know if - if I were good looking . . . well, good . . . according to society anyway . . ‘cause who’s to say what is truly beautiful . . . but like if I were, I could get away with being such a jerk. But like . . . socially, physically, emotionally, personally, economically, sexually, intellectually, philosophically, spiritually, . . . I am just an unattractive, repugnant person I’ve ever met. And I mean, I don’t mind. O.K. well, I do mind, but if . . . what can I do about . . . I could change but - change myself . . . but if I like change me - then well, who is doing the change. I mean, if I were to become thin and pumped and like happy, and nice and pleasant and brushed my teeth, showered occasionally - which which I could do . . . what would be left of me? Who am I really? My body? That’s seems too . . . Or is there like something else? A soul - I don’t believe in it. I know, I know - what I personally believe has very little impact on what actually is, but still, it’s all I have to go on. Am I my personality, my work, my name, the impression I leave on other people? But if I changed completely, what would that person I became have in common with me. Sure we share the same memories, but that’s in the past - we would be composed out of more or less the same group of molecules. We both would’ve seen life from the same particular pair of eyes. But anyone could . . . stand in my shoes, and not be . . . I mean really BE me. If changed - what everyone on the street - in class - yells at me . . . says I should do . . . and . . . what would happen to the me now? It’s a fate worse than, than death. ‘Cause when you die, at least you’re like missing . . . so that people now you’re gone . . . And assuming there is an afterlife . . . which I don’t . . . but, even in like other people’s memories, you know you would be safe. But if you change then, then . . . you’re replaced . . . no one notices that you . . . I mean YOU are gone. I mean, the entire essence of my being would be . . . destroyed, never to return again. I mean, sure I may become a stronger smarter happier better person, if I become what I think I should be, but then it won’t be I who is that is that better smarter guy, which eliminates the whole point of . . . But - but - the thing is . . . You can’t avooid it. Change is constant - and unavoidable . . . You get in a car wreck and suddenly you don’t drive as fast . . . or you don’t drive at all . . . because you don’t have a car. Or whatever. But like constantly there are little pieces of . . . and I’m not talking about an arm or a leg or just losing skin cells . . . but constantly there are little pieces of your very existence being chipped off . . . and replaced by these foreign alien pieces of . . . of somebody else. We are not the person from whose vantage point we see our memories. They are someone else. Someone we never were or are. I don’t . . . It’s terrible . . . It’s . . . well, now you see what I - I meant about being philosophically unattractive. No one likes to hang out with someone who . . .who’s not even sure if he still exists - if he ever did and . . . It doesn’t even matter if I’m right or not . . . . ‘cause see if I am then you know, there is nothing anybody can do about it. Terrible tragedy, but you know . . . logically, I should realize the utter inevitability of all and just try and live with . . . It makes sense to just be happy ‘cause, I mean . . . Well, all human actions are motivated by a desire to be happy. Often we miscalculate what it is exactly that would make us most happy at any given . . . . which is why there is so much misery but . . . I used to think that people would sometimes sacrifice current happiness for a larger amount of future pleasant, but the truth is . . . or at least I believe that, you know, some people are happier - or at least think they’re happier know that they are going to be happier later because they didn’t . . . well, it would explain a lot of, like, religion . . . particularly Protestant. Well, suppose you could see all actions as being by a need to avoid pain - which is almost the same as being happy. Because there are people who are willing to be completely unhappy if it means they could eliminate any discomfort . . . the problem with that idea is you know like sadomasochists and all out in the cold . . . I just think that some people are have a harder time being happy - or thinking that they will be happy - or happier - when they’re in pain so .. . . that’s all that is. The thing is once you know what the whole reason for human existence is. Or at least the only meaning we’ve been able to give to it is, is the simple feeling of pleasure - uh . . . enjoyment. Once you realize that that is all we have . . . well everything else should become irrelevant. And, and I’m not talking about a solipsistic, e - egocentric, hedonistic lifestyle. You know ‘cause . . . ‘cause with a conscience, being nice, and fair, and kind, and just, and charitable, and good, and and . . . and loving, should make one happy, or at lest happier than just rolling over everyone else’s feelings. I mean logically it makes sense just to do what . . . and of course, some people are going to have an easier time being happy, or at least are better at judging which course of action will make them happiest . . . but still I’m trying to be happy - and it almost never happens. I don’t know what it is that makes me happy anymore. I don’t know if I ever did. The problem is with logic . . . no one ever questions this whole universal acceptance of the idea of logic. It like a religion with a 100% conversion rate. Everyone uses it. Even people who believe in the strangest, most illogical things, believe through some sort of twisted logic that you know, God or ghosts or Elvis or whatnot actually do exist. You may argue that someone’s logic . . . that they are not using logic correctly. But we never argue that they shouldn’t be using logic or . . . I mean, logically how do we know logic works? How do you - How do you prove that logic works? I mean that’s the thing about logic - it doesn’t allow for any other method to co-exist along with it. So the only way to prove that logic works is through logic. Which is um, circular logic. Which is, of course illogical . . . and and I know you could be saying, “Experience”. I mean . . . You could say that logic experience is what teaches us that logic . . . I don’t know why, but it always has worked . . . experience. But then, again we have to say something like, well, how do we know that experience works. I mean how do I know that just because the last 50,000 times I stuck my hand on a red stove my hand burned, that it will do the exact same thing this time . . . or next time. Well, logically - A HA! Circular logic again. I mean how do we know those last 50,000 times were real. Memories can be falsified, or just inaccurate or . . . You see, logic is illogical. Which sort of leaves us wandering hopelessly without any . . . I mean I’d like to be happy. I try to be happy. But without logic or . . . I just don’t know how to be happy. I mean, I just - I - uh . . . I don’t know. I don’t know. I mean really that’s about the only true answer we can ever give is, “I don’t know”. ‘Cause, I mean, you can say that you are absolutely sure that . . . but does that mean you really know? And how do you know that you’re sure . . . I mean I think I think I’m sure that I know . . . It just gets complicated. Any and every sentence can be appended with a Maybe. Ask yourself: C - Can we ever truly know anything? If not, how do we know this? What is . . . what is knowledge? If we can gain, you know, incorrect knowledge for good information, then - then can we draw true conclusions from false input? I - I hat to sound clichéd, but what is truth, anyway? And how do we know this? Uh . . . You can go around asking yourself these questions forever and ever and - and never come up with a good . . . sufficient answer. Because what we are questioning here is, well, the very nature of the questions and answers themselves, so . . . To exist in this universe, one must be able . . . willing to make certain assumptions, you know. Things like, um . . . I do exist. And and the other people that I both see and hear around me, and uh those I have never met but um, I’m told live in places like Somalia and - like Nepal - or even just in that uh - ugly pink house down the street. You have to . . . um assume that these other people do exist too - and have a sense of consciousness similar t - to our own. We also have to assume stuff like: time does move - moves forward . . . in - in the way we perceive it. And that that what we sense or . . . experience is real. And if what we just seen disagrees with rational . . . um, logic . . . I mean you can’t believe what you’ve just seen with your own two eyes - then something is wrong with the way we worked out our logic and not with the concept of logic itself. I - you could’ve been hallucinating or - or there’s a huge government conspiracy or something. We take for granted that our memories . . . that what we remember happening did in fact happen and they happened way we remembered them . . . and they happened to us. There are other assumptions that almost everybody makes, like - like our teacher wasn’t lying when she said we need air to survive, but uh . . . Those kind of assumptions people can, well, uh - not everyone has them. Or doesn’t have to have them, but uh - those other basic, essential assumptions, there kid of prerequisite for existence but, there is really no basis or proof for any of these assumptions. They all require a uh, leap of faith . . . of their own. A small one, no doubt, but there is one . . . nonetheless. So . . . Everything else we know . . . or - or think we “know” is based on one or more of these - unfounded, ludicrous assumptions. No knowledge is ever perfect. ‘Cause - ‘cause you can question any knowledge - any fact down to one of these propositions. And - and at which case the argument comes . . . redicticum ad absurdum. So uh . . . But then what do we do? If you are unsure of your own existence . . . or the existence of anything - which you can and should be - although nobody truly - is how can you . . . live - breathe - move - eat - just act in any . . . ? The fact is: y - you can’t. It is quite impossible to continue living like that. So, uh, no one does. I mean if anyone had any doubts - real real doubts about th - the reality of reality they would be - completely paralyzed with fear - unable to move, and they would probably turn into philosophers or vegetables who - who have no social contact and urinate all over themselves. The thing is we can all talk about . . . you know . . . all this as - as an abstract theoretical concept, but no one ever truly feels in their heart of hearts that the wall they see in front of them isn’t there or even might not be . . . ‘cause though there is no such thing as a perfect knowledge, we can still be completely - totally - unshakably sure of - of whatever anyway. And I mean sure you can be a pragmatist . . . there are very scientific, skeptical people who claim that they don’t believe anything they can’t see with their own two eyes, you know so that way they can be sure that . . . they are sure. But, what they don’t seem to realize is that by saying . . . what they are really saying is that they will believe anything they - they do see. Even atheists have some faith that there is no . . .Agnostics have to believe that they don’t know if there is a God, because there could be some small part of them that’s saying, “you really do know there is - or there isn’t - or whatever”, you see? A small portion of faith is necessary with . . . required by any form of knowledge. ‘Cause, ‘cause there can be no pure knowledge of anything. Take for example, um . . . the . . . we all know that we’re going to die. It’s just a - a “fact of life” that all humans are mortal. But did you know, there is no proof for this? There is no hard scientific proof, that you . . . or anyone has to d - die. I mean just because everyone else has died doesn’t necessarily mean that you will too. True, th - the odds are against you . . . Elvis . . . or anyone else alive being truly immortal, but there is nothing - nothing physically wrong with any of us that means we’re going to . . . gives a some kind of expiration date. It’s just like when each of us is born, the oracle at Delphi declares that someday we will be dead. No reason to believe her - uh, uh, no reason to doubt her either. We just have to take it a face value. We - it doesn’t matter - we will all die. We all know this for a fact, or we’ve all been told this . . . by everyone. We have all seen plenty of examples of . . . But not everyone believes it. And, in fact, I - I doubt that any one of us really “feels” like we’re . . . or that they’re going to die. I mean, with this - this universal lack of proof - definitive proof, our faith - our belief will go wherever . . . wither it wants to and . . . We don’t want to know that we’re mortal s - so we could not know . . . Everybody has to temper the “knowledge” of their own . . . impermanence in some way or another. S - some try religion to give them a kind of hope in an afterlife to, uh, but even if we do live after we die - that doesn’t change the fact that we do die. Some um, channel their creative energies into creating masterpieces of art uh - d - thinking “My work will live on after I . . .” but that your art, it might survive but you won’t. Besides if no one is around to appreciate it, ‘cause we’re all going to die and this race can’t go on forever, still uh . . . who cares if your art lives on? Eventually all the atoms that compose everything - and I mean everything - all the protons and electrons will cancel each other out and - there will be nothing left but an infinite, evenly spaced sea of of stable neutrons and - and what will matter then? Will Nazism and child abuse still be so bad then or will it ultimately not matter . . . So others adopt a totally hedonistic view of life. Live for today, that’s all you may have, but - uh - but what about tomorrow? Compared to the future the moment of now is really really tiny. Is that all there is? It doesn’t matter what we do - how good or smart or happy we become - eventually the whole universe will disintegrate into a . . . it may take billions of years, but eventually it won’t matter if you’re as talented as Shakespeare or as evil as Michael Bolton. N -no one around will be there to praise or punish or . . . no one will remember. There won’t even be a no one. It is only us . . . as human beings that giving meaning to an uncaring - senseless - random universe. Only we are giving it a meaning that it doesn’t have. Everything - everything we think, feel, touch, want, see, and smell is really nothing . . . as far as we can tell. I mean it’s worse than Nihilism - you can’t even believe in nothing. Not really. Yet in the face of these facts we continue to - to work - to fight - to struggle for more. Reality is nothing more than a collective hunch, a game of make-believe gone awry, one of but an infinite number of possibilities . . . but we keep pretending anyway. We have to. Now - now all this is not saying that there isn’t any . . . information to support what we . . . what people “know”. I mean, th - there is. Most people couldn’t live or, you know . . . without something to back it all up. See? ‘Cause while perfect knowledge is impossible - d - at least theoretically . . . It seems like perfect faith, which I suppose is possible, is even rarer. When I’m talking about perfect faith . . . it’s a sort of “knowledge” or, well, belief I should say, that - that doesn’t need information - and in most cases doesn’t have any. On the other hand, imperfect knowledge - which is all other of what we call knowledge - requires um, two components. Number one: Information to suggest or propose the uh possibility of a “fact.” And two: The blind faith to believe the information or - or to make up for what the informationn lacks. You can place your faith wherever, I mean wherever you want t - to in accordance with . . . the information you got. There was nothing really - you know - wrong with the information that the people in Columbus’s time had - the people who all said that the world is flat. But, uh, they just misplaced their faith. And and you can’t really blame them - you look at your land and it looks flat well, you sort of tend to assume that it is flat. I mean, it was just a lot easier for them to think that. With the information they uh, had on could’ve believed that the world was round or cylindrical or infinite or . . . and that everyone was lying to them. But uh, how do you know - or think you know that the world is round? You haven’t seen it from space, you’ve only seen possibly doctored photographs. Have you ever been around the world? How do you know you didn’t fly past Asia and ended up in an another North America on the other side of it that - that’s exactly the same as the one you left . . . the Earth could be like a - uh - repeating pattern of wallpaper with an infinite number of Americas alternating between just as many . . . Afro-Eurasian land masses. And on each is an - identical set of people remembering and doing the same . . . See? For all you really know the world isn’t round. It’s just where you’ve placed your faith . . .with the information you’ve got. You can have as much - or as little information as you want, but like some disease - once you got it you can’t lose it. Excepting like amnesia or just forgetting but . . . Sometimes the right amount of it . . . certain information will make it obvious . . . or nearly impossible to place your faith anywhere but in one certain place. This is often . . . you know, at this point is where a lot of people, well, claim to have a perfect knowledge of something, but uh . . . However, more information can always come along. Take for example - for a long time I knew . . . or I thought I knew that there were only 101 elements in the periodic table. Nobody told me that mankind could make more, I figured . . . I had no choice but to place my faith in the incorrect information or - or - or to keep seeking for information, even though I could foresee no need to do so . . . That’s where insight comes . . . Insight is nothing more than an unexpected . . . a new place t - to place your faith. Often, once you’ve - you’ve got the insight you have to . . . find more information to support - to back it up in order to, uh, prove it to other people - which without is possible . . . not to prove it to others but to, uh, show why they should - if they should - follow your example in . . . resetting their faith around given information - which they may or may not decide to do according to their own whims - ‘cause you can never prove anything . . . force anyone to think a certain way - which I guess is another case against the existence of any - uh, real knowledge - ‘cause if there were such a thing, once, we found and, uh, shared with someone else, they would have no choice . . . you couldn’t deny it. However once you’ve come up with your own new insight on something, well, it’s hard to deny it, at least to yourself, just because it seems so undeniable, perfect, or clever . . so yours. That doesn’t make it true or uh . . . I don’t know. At least until your search for additional information to support your hunch . . . when this leads to a “fact” or . . . that contradicts your insight - your faith which, if doesn’t imply another knowledge, does - or should - obliterate the, uh, knowledge your insight lead you to believe - or want to believe. Information is always correct. If it wasn’t it - it wouldn’t be information, it would be . . . a fib. We can all sometimes get some . . . mistake a lie for information which would lead to a misplacing of your faith into an incorrect knowledge - or at least a provably incorrect knowledge - or maybe incorrectly gotten, but ironically accurate . . . There is nothing we can know to ever be completely right - or true - but there are some things that are, uh . . . flat out wrong. And then th - there is on the other hand . . . misleading information. Two particular pieces of information can tend to suggest something that would be proven wrong - or as proven wrong as we can attempt - with just a little more information. Our patterns of faith try to . . . well, normally they look for the easiest knowledge to believe. This - this was Oedipus’s problem. He couldn’t just . . . accept what was the obvious pattern of reasoning - even if it was factually inaccurate. He kept on questioning and probing and asking until his faith has . . . has nowhere else to reside or at least what seems like nowhere . . . He no more “knows” who he is and what he really did at the end of Oedipus Rex than - than he did at the beginning of the play. Of course, we - we think that Oedipus was “wrong” until he learns the “truth”, but that’s because we had - have more information than Oedipus does. If we knew only what Oedipus d - did at any one particular time, we would consider him right at all times . . . well, until it was over and then we thought back on - on the whole experience. Nobody ever . . . thinks that they are wrong. I mean, suppose if someone . . . did say that he may be wrong he still feels that he is . . . right about his maybe being wrong. That - that’s what the whole definition of “think” or “feel” really is: What we think - or feel is right. And, you know really considering everything else - that is as close to knowledge as we, as a race, can ever hope to get. Oedipus doesn’t “know” anything until the very end of Oedipus Rex. But - but he could’ve very easily decided to settle his faith anywhere along the line and not have looked for the next piece of information - that led to the inevitable conclusion and - and downfall. I suppose he could’ve kept on asking after when he did decide to stop . . . and blind himself . . . and decided on the “truth” sometime later. Although the information he would’ve received . . . afterwards would, well, probably have led to same end result . . . anyway. See? That’s the real tragedy of Oedipus . . . it’s not that he searched for his identity, but that he searched too far and - and reached what might have been it - but didn’t have to be. I mean, if you look through the play . . . I know, now I’m assuming that all of you here have read the play, but, um, if you haven’t you really should. Anyway, Oedipus’s witnesses would, always beg him not to . . . inquire any further. “Stop.”, they’d say. “You don’t want to go any further. You don’t have to go any . . .” Had he listened he would’ve been a happy . . . and sighted man - or fictional character, right now. I mean, maybe our government’s lying to us - but maybe we should be glad that they’re lying to us. The deed was already done, there - there was no punishment as a direct result of his . . . um, atrocities. It was only because of . . . in his asking did the tragedy come. However if he had like never even started . . . asking he would be fine. In fact, he didn’t ask for nearly eight years and - and nothing happened to Oedipus at all. If you know, sleeping with his . . . if that wasn’t his crime, his sin, then what was? How can there be . . . uh - any kind of morality - definitive, universal, absolute right and wrong . . . in the face of such a - uncertain, un - unknown, harsh reality. Nothing poor Oedipus did was - was really his fault. It was really a - a result of his . . . personality. His situation. His upbringing. His mood. The time of day. Any number of things could’ve influenced him . . . beyond his control. If you take . . . assume this to be a completely cause-and-effect type of universe, then - then how could anything you do really be your decision. Everything that happens - will happen, can happen - is the result of something earlier - something previous. You can trace your every action to being, well, nothing more th - than an inevitable reaction to an event or any number of uncontrollable situations or events that - that preceded your birth. In fact, I mmean, you can really go back to as far as you can think . . . the Big Bang or whatever . . . and even then think of it as nothing more than - than a response to something so - so unbelievably antiquated we can even conceive of it. Nothing is our fault - t . . . or anybody’s really. So . . . then why do we try so hard . . . to “do the good” . . . or - or anything for that matter? Or is this - this attempting to find and live the good . . . what we imagine the good life to be . . . is this as inevitable and uncontrollable and fate-driven as everything else that happens? It was Oedipus’s . . . or more like Oedipus’s parents’ attempt to escape . . . his fate lead him to fulfill it. Not only did Oedipus have no choice in sleeping with his mother and killing his father, but he also had - had no choice than to run to Thebes to escape . . . had no choice also in going to Delphi to find out about the prophecy in order for everything else to follow . . . did he really even have any choice in what toga he . . . “decided” to wear each morning? Consequently, that - that man at the party in . . . oh, where was it? . . . Corinth had no choice but to drink too much and then blurt out Oedipus’s, um, questionable heritage. Really . . . then what do we really control. What can we do? C - can we do anything or is life totally predetermined. Assuming . . . you can change yourself - then you can change your m - mind. You can change you opinion. You can change your body. You can change your . . . . outfit. You can change your sex. You can change everything about yourself. But then who . . . WHO is really doing the changing. Your body? Your mind? Your soul? Then how is it yours if it is . . . Nothing truly yours. There - there’s nothing left. We . . . you . . . they . . . I are all nothing. Once again we are in conflict with one of our - our basic unproven assumptions. Then what do we do? What do we . . . The same we’ve been doing all along. Nothing. Or - or . . . At least that’s what I think. I may be wrong. I don’t know. Or at least I don’t think I know. Or at least I’m trying to doubt everything. ‘Cause - ‘cause everything can be doubted and you should doubt everything you can. But - but I doubt you can doubt everything . . . like, like Descartes claimed to have. D - do you guys know who René Descartes is? I didn’t think so. So - well . . . um, Descartes is, uh, probably best known for coming up with, “Cogito Ergo Sum” . . . you know “I think, therefore I am.” Well, um, in order to make sure of what he was sure of, Descartes locked himself up in this little hovel . . . and tried to doubt everything he - he could to see what he couldn’t doubt . . . at least theoretically . . . and see what was left. And assuming that that was definitely true we would try - working from there in a semi-mathematical fashion to - to prove the - uh - existence of everything else . . . including God. So that’s, what we started with . . . himself. He figured you know . . . Well, he is often assumed to be the first person to have ever have really doubted everything. He wrote several books about it. While - you know . . . not everyone agrees with his . . . subsequent conclusions . . . Most people agree that he did, doubt . . . and that his “I think . . .” statement is fairly accurate proof of one’s own existence. But, uh, did he really? Or could even he even doubt everything that could be . . . ? As I may have already said, “y - you can’t doubt everything.” But then again, maybe you can. I don’t know, but I doubt it. Or at least I try to . . . Anyway, I don’t really think that Descartes did . . . I know that doesn’t count for much but . . . While I’ll freely admit that - that Descartes probably doubt much further than anyone else in question reality since, well, since Socrates, but he - he didn’t go all the way, Namely ‘cause you really can’t. No, wait listen to me . . . At the end of the road - there’s nothing so right, no one can get there ‘cause if you got there - you - you’d be there so there wouldn’t be nothing there, so you wouldn’t be there yet? Do you see? Um . . . so, um, what didn’t Descartes challenge - doubt? His method. Time. Memory. Causality. Logic . . . well, his logic. He may or not have, um really doubted God, but that’s like a whole other discussion that . . . when Descartes was tearing down his house, this is one of his, uh, favorite metaphors . . . when he was tearing down his house, and - and started over from scratch with nothing but the “plumb-line of reason” . . . But - but why place your faith in that plumbb-line? Hmm? He was - he was going to work out . . . everything in quote-unquote reality, like it was . . . as if it were just a giant geometry problem. But then, um, what he forgets is that everything in geometry, you know, like um, points, lines, numbers, triangles . . . they are - they aren’t - they’re made-up. I mean, they don’t really exist in real . . . we know we made them up . . . Nothing could exist that didn’t have any width of height . . . The rules of geometry work only in this - this special non-reality that was created specifically created just so that these rules would work. Sure everything comes out neat and - and clean in ge . . . well, sometimes, . . . and that’s a nice thing to try and emulate in, but, uh, the real world doesn’t work like that . . . or at least it may not work like that. The question here is once again, one of causality. Does A really cause B, or is it just a massive coincidence that every time that A happens B happens shortly thereafter. Or at least as far as we . . . or anyone can remember A or, um B followed A. But what about memory itself? I mean we’ve all heard about . . . oh, uh, false memory syndrome dealing with long repressed memories of child abuse . . . or just when you’re talking to someone from your past - you remember something happening one way and they remember it happening . . . Suppose that Descartes actually got around to thinking up his “I think” thing. He writes it down on his little piece of paper and then . . . gets up to use the bathroom or - or put another log on his stove. When - when he walks back to his desk, how does he know that it was really he who wrote it and not some sort of . . . evil demon trying to trick him . . . by making him think he remembers writing it? He’d . . . he’d have to go through the whole metal process again just to prove . . . He could never get past it. Anytime he tries to prove . . . he tries to build upon it, he is no longer . . . immediately doing it . . . so it then becomes a memory and - and open to suspicion and doubt. Anything in the past is . . . which brings up the whole . . . thing about time. How do we know - I know this is going to sound a littlee juvenile, but, uh, how do we know that we’re going forward in time? Or - or for that matter how do we know that time is going at all? For all we . . . well, “know” . . . the only time that - that exists is this instant now as my vocal chords are creating this syllable that you are now hearing. Even thinking - the whole basis of “I think therefore I am” - even thinking requires some small time passage. How do we know that we are the . . . same person that we were . . . or remember being - when we began this thought that - that lead us to leap to the conclusion of our own existence. The time period we’re dealing with is so . . . Infinitesimally small is nothing at all. This amount of time . . . this “now” we’re dealing with is really no time at all. We can’t even comprehend . . . everything is either past of future. Both of which are susceptible to doubt. I know, the whole . . . issue of time is a very hard one to doubt, but it is possible. Most people are willing to put up with a little discomfort and pain right now, with the . . . “knowledge” that it will serve them later. Build character or whatever . . . you know, in the long run. I mean, the basis of almost all religion or ethics require some . . . post-dated, eventual reward for your actions . . . or else why would anyone do it. But then there might not ever be a later to collect your booty in. No one ever forces them to prove . . . asks them to show that there is a tomorrow to worry about . . or that the person who will be collecting your reward then will really be you . . . or just think that it’s you . . . I know it goes against every fiber in our being to doubt time seeing as how it’s so firmly . . . brainwashed into us . . . but we should doubt everything possible. If we don’t doubt the powers-that-be or reality-that-be or whatever, we - we are capable of unknowingly turning a blind eye to some . . . horrific, . . . . something we could’ve done something about. And everything is doubtful . . . or at least doubtable . . . it is impossible to doubt everything . . . or at least, no one has ever done it . . . or at least I don’t think anyone’s ever . . . That’s just one of those wacky contradictions that the reality we . . . seem to experience presents to us. So, uh, I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on poor old Descartes for . . . it wasn’t his fault he didn’t doubt . . . I could try to prove logically why you couldn’t doubt everything, but - but in order to do that . . . logic itself must be . . . right . . . which it may not be. I mean, I’d like to think that personally I have doubted everything . . . but I doubt I have. I don’t know. I’m not sure what it is exactly that I haven’t . . . that I have just blindly accepted without reason. Maybe, it’s bluntly obvious to you out there, but . . . I can’t even come up with a possible culprit. Whatever it is, I’m probably . . . incapable of questioning it, anyway so . . . That’s really why I like . . . well, respect Socrates more than, Descartes - although I probably have more in common with Descartes . . . I mean, both were quite, um, fervent in their use of questioning, doubting, whatever. In fact, Descartes probably did a lot more of that than Socrates ever, um, dreamed of, but . . . uh, unlike Descartes, Socrates never did accept anything . . . at least not consciously . . . he always claimed to “know nothing”, he actually did - or thought he did - or as close as we can get - but, uh, that’s another story. We can’t really blame Descartes for failing in his impossible mission . . . in fact, we probably should applaud him for the advances he did make. But uh, if we can’t why should we . . . or at least try to doubt everything? Why don’t we just accept everything at face value and - and work from there? If we know that the road leads nowhere, and we can’t even walk all the way down it anyway, why . . . be so futile? Because, it is wrong. Or worse, it might be wrong, and we’ll never know. Doesn’t that bother you? It just . . . ooh, annoys the hell out of me. Maybe that’s the one thing I can’t doubt: the - the purpose . . . the usefulness of doubt itself. But, I do doubt it, all it does is keep me from my ultimate objective . . . happiness. I wish I could give it up, but I can’t until . . . I am unable to think of anything else. I - I can’t be happy until I . . . I can’t do anything else. Nothing else matters, if we don’t know what . . . is . . . I don’t know. Boy, I’ve talking for quite a while now, nut, uh, well, um, no one else has come in and well . . . I don’t want to bore you, but, uh don’t know what else to do. So, I’ll continue. Maybe I tell you a little something about myself. My name is Chris. I’ve just graduated from high school and will be moving out to the university dorms in a couple of weeks. Let’s see, I’m 18 years old and - uh - I want to be a writer. Or at least I thought I wanted to . . . I used to write tons of stuff. But lately, well, I’ve been unable to write anything . . . for the past two and a half months. I don’t know, well . . . I’m not sure exactly why. You know, I should be feeling some sort of . . . heady freedom soaring me to new heights - yeah, well mixed with a bit of trepidation, but well, I’ve hated high school with such passion that . . . I should be ecstatic but - but, instead I just feel unfocused and directionless. I feel like I - I haven’t done anything since I got out of there. Nothing really new or original. N - Nothing at all really. It’s not like, I, Have a lot of stuff to do. I don’t have even have a . . . well, I’ve never really had the, uh, right personable temperament to get a job. You know, no one wants to hire some guy that hates everybody to work for them. So, I - I have a lot of time on my hands, but still I haven’t been able to . . . Am I out of ideas? I mean, I - I used to have millions of great ideas. Now, I have millions of ideas that . . . well, seem great to me, but I - I well, really know they aren’t. I want . . . I expect my work to be, to get better now even though . . . my “talent” hasn’t really done - progressed since I started writing. I mean, I never was a very good writer - e - even for an unpublished, high school . . . I just had great ideas. Or - or at least crazy ideas. But a good idea just . . . it just isn’t enough anymore. These new ideas are just like the old ones . . . t - only more so. I don’t . . . that’s the problem, I don’t even bother starting them - these ideas . . . much less seeing them into completion, because, because I already know how they’ll end and - and - and just how bad they will . . . how badly I’ll mess them up. I guess, writing novels that - that I know no one will read . . . it just doesn’t interest me anymore. I know I should, well, I should at at least try to try and write a . . . something serious. I mean people always laugh at . . . so I guess it was a comedy, but you I thought when I was writing it . . . Maybe that’s it - that’s my problem, I’m too, you know, now on - on trying to write something serious. But then when I try to write a drama or a tragedy without - without my little bizarre twists and - and quips. You know I stared something like that - but then . . . but it ended up just sounding pr - pretentious, whiny and paranoid. Annoying and . . . like me, you know. I couldn’t even . . . even finish the first paragraph. The only ideas I ever follow through are the ones so surreal, so meaningless, so stupid crazy that they’re funny. You know, ‘cause maybe I’m just afraid that people will . . . I don’t know, but if I tried to be serious, then . . . there wouldn’t be enough there ‘cause seriously I don’t know what I believe - what message I’m trying to get across to the audience - I have no through-line. What I think is so stupid and unconvincing that - that -that the only way I can . . . trick people into reading it is to . . . you know spice it up with my . . . quirky nonsensical . . . But I’m completely serious about them while I’m doing them. I don’t - I don’t even think about it. I don’t ever consciously think about any of my writing beforehand. Bu afterwards . . . only now that I’ve written . . . written out enough of these “ideas” . . . now I can see how - how trivial and silly they really are, and well . . . I’m not willing to put up the . . . energy it requires to create something so . . . insignificant. Maybe - maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I’m just bored and lazy. But I you know, have been bored and tired before, that - that has never stopped me before. Really, I mean, really that - that’s what inspired me to - to uh . . . take up the pen in the first place. It was, it was something to do . . . I guess. The thing is: I just don’t enjoy writing anymore . . . assuming, of course that I ever did, which I doubt. I mean, I - I don’t like any of it. I don’t like getting the idea. I don’t like starting. I don’t like finishing. I - I don’t like proofreading or editing. I don’t even like other people reading the finished . . . of course, I’m not there when it happens but, uh - well, maybe that’s my problem. I should go into something a little more . . . performance oriented. But, I - I don’t even like the idea of someone else reading . . . and it’s not like I’m embarrassed or ashamed by . . . like Kafka. You know, it’s not like it’s too private for strangers, I mean, I’m . . . I’m not even in my writings. They’re not about me, or who I am, or what I feel. They’re just, they’re just supposed to be funny, but uh . . . I don’t know. I was never one of those . . types who always loved words, couldn’t stop reading . . . always had a story to tell or even had something to say. I never had anything new to say. None does or has for a long . . . I think it’s all been said . . . I just said it in new - or what I thought were new and - and creative ways. I suppose, that . . . well, if you want to, um, write something serious, you’ve - you’ve got to have something . . . anything that you feel . . . that you want to tell the audience . . . that you think they need to hear but . . . Even if it’s only small and trivial. The problem - my problem is that - that I don’t know what I believe or . . . or even if I believe anything at all. Everything we know, learn, or remember, I mean, you know as susceptible as they are . . . it all - everything comes to us, you know, from either our own logic or own perceptions. Yet, you know, it seems that these two things are so . . . they’re constantly at odds with one another . . . contradicting one another. You shouldn’t, you can’t assume anything. Only to do this you have to . . . well . . . doubt everything. But it’s - it’s impossible to prove anything in . . in an absolute, final, finite, concrete way. Like I said, knowledge . . . knowing anything requires that - that leap of faith . . . no matter how miniscule or - or - or how much it seems that everyone else has made it. And then, and then, once I realize that . . . that I’m going to have to take something at face value and - and cease to question it, well, I can’t believe in it anymore. I mean, you know, even my own existence as I’ve said . . . I don’t - I’m not really sure if I really exist . . . yet I’m not really sure if - whether or not I - I am truly unsure or . . . if I’m just playing semantics with myself. The thing is everyone else . . . assuming of course that anyone else can and - and does exist . . . has either not asked this question. Or - or they have asked themselves . . . and then somehow come up with a way - somehow - to deal with it’s . . . unanswerableness. Some way that they have neglected to tell me, ‘cause . . . or they have come up with a - an obvious, simple, inexpressible answer to all of this. And - and that somehow I’m . . . I am the only one in the universe who hasn’t been able to - hasn’t come up with it . . . yet. Or maybe they’re - everybody - they’re all putting up a false front like - like I am trying to do. But they’re doing a much better job at it than I am - or than I think I am. Maybe - maybe to other people I act like . . . I appear to be as - as completely happy, normal, and . . .. at ease with myself as everyone else around me is - or seems to be. You know, ‘cause I would think it’s obvious . . . I always feel like everyone else can see right through my charade . . . facade into my troubled, t - insecure, paranoid delusions, but for all I know I am . . . I could be doing a better job at faking it than I imagine, than I should. And if that’s . . . and so could everyone else. Maybe I’m not the first . . . to ask himself these kind of questions . . and I could just be the - the first one to articulate . . . vocalize these fears, thoughts . . . Or maybe somebody else has. You know, ‘cause I - I’m not very well read. Maybe - maybe there a tons of people who are . . . saying the same things kin of things I am . . . or that I’m trying to . . . only they - they’re saying it all in much more subtle . . . thought-provoking, eloquent . . . deep . . . intelligent way than I could ever hope to do. I don’t know. These are all just theories and - and conjectures. I’m very good at . . . I can ask a lot of questions, yet I - I am unable to come up with even one answer . . . one answer to even the simplest question. I mean, like, you know, um what is 2 + 2? If I was . . . I would put 4 down on a math test because I know . . . or at least I think I . . . that that’s what the teacher expects . . . but is it really true. What is 4? An adjective? A state of being? A number? Can 4 exist without it being 4 of something? Can such a simple answer, like like 4, really . . . adequately address such a complex problem like 2 + 2? Can - can you ever truly . . . add two things together so that lose their uniqueness and become one . . . or 4? If 2 + 2, if that is a question ultimately requiring an answer or - or solution, and 4 is a fact - a figure - a numbering of . . . if one is a question and the other is an answer - then how can we say they are - that they are ever truly equal or - or the same. 2 + 2 is one thing, 4 is another, how can they be . . . ? Is one 4 - assuming 4 can exist without . . . is one 4 better than another? Or can - can one thing ever truly be better than the other, or just different each having some good qualities and some bad? Which 4 are we using . . . What are we adding? Nothing ever comes out as neatly in life as it does in math so are there actual numbers in . . .? Four maybe as close - to 2 + 2 as . . . as we can humanly get but who - who knows? You can’t come up, I don’t know of an . . . You can’t come up with an equation that will really give you the answer. I mean is Life too unpredictable and messy or Science too inadequately . . . unrealistically precise? I don’t know. I don’t - you don’t know. Or at least I don’t think that . . . well, nobody really knows. The thing is: we don’t even really know what we don’t know or . . . take, for example, um, Schrödeniger’s Cat. I don’t know how many of you out there are . . . um quantum physics, theoretical - type of guys. But uh . . . well, Schrödeninger’s cat is this cat that’s, uh trapped in this box and - well, this box is attached to this poison gas . . . it just a thought experiment. There is no real cat, ‘cause that would be . . . but, well, this poison gas comes in and - and kills the cat when this particular atom deteriorates. And no body knows when this . . . well, so no one knows if the cat is dead or alive at any given time. But, uh, the theory goes that - because we don’t know if . . . I mean, if someone were to look in the box the experiment would be ruined but . . . you don’t know if the cat is dead or, so, so theoretically at least, - this cat is both alive and dead simultaneously. But you know - for all we know . . . the cat, isn’t, isn’t really even cat at all - it’s just - it’s just according to all our sensors . . . but really it’s some sort of - mutant alien creature that has already beamed up to the mothership and - or - um - the cat could’ve suffered a sudden burst of . . . evolution and has figured out how to diffuse the - uh . . . and is quietly clawing its way out. All these - possibilities - no matter how remote - are all - uh, co-existing with . . . . they don’t think of this in the theory but - there are all these other possibilities that are - also . . . . for all we know. The cat’s head could be tilted to the left or . . . so there’s like two cats in there, one with his head to the left and one to the right. We just don’t know. For - for all we know the hair on the back of our head could’ve changed - green, and we just . . . .It could’ve been like this for - since the last time you saw the . . . at the barbershop. It’s . . . . could’ve been green and just no one has told you. They could’ve fixed the mirrors so that . . . in fact what you think you look like is in fact . . . a fabrication of Lucas’s Industrial light and magic. We may never have landed on the moon it could all be . . . just a T.V. show so . . . I don’t know. I don’t even have the vaguest . . . “I don’t know” when you - when you get right down to it that’s how I feel about everything. “I don’t know” At least that’s what I think I feel about everything. I may be wrong. I don’t know. But either way, it’s keeping me from doing what I love . . . Or at least what I thought I loved - but really hate . . or do I? . . . although I’m starting to doubt it . . . Writing. It’s was only recently - maybe a year or two ago that I started to express any interest in literature . . . well, not other people’s but creating my own. So . . . and I always wanted to be a fiction writer - never messed with essays or stuff like . . . unless I had to for school. But I never saw the point . . . and you know why, with my views on reality and truth . . . I never saw the point in non-fiction. So, you know first thing I did, when I decided - discovered . . . whatever I was going to be a fiction writer, the first thing I did was start writing. Novels, screenplays, stories, poems, you know . . . ‘cause I knew a bunch of people who - who called themselves “writers” but they uh - I never saw them write anything, so I . . . I always thought it was a little hypocritical because - well, to them being a writer was all about . . . wearing black clothes and - and - and listening to Coltraine in some smoky coffee club . . . and, uh, while I like Coltraine - I just sort of thought that was all irrelevant. But then - then, well, I realized that I . . . everyone who read it said my stuff was good, but uh, I had no way of telling the difference . . . I had no idea whether or not my stuff was like revolutionary or obvious or had already been done before or . . . ‘cause see I didn’t have much of literary background. So about six months ago I decided that I would study . . . I would read all the classics of western civilization . . . the classical canon as it were. And do you know what I discovered? I hate books! I hate literature! I hate words! I hate words! I had - I had never spent a lot of time on my own just reading - reading for fun before. And now . . . and now I knew why. I mean I got, it was, you know, I got really depressed. I really wanted to be a writer. What - and now I had to face up to why I had wanted to . . . in something I really didn’t know anything about. And what - what I discovered was . . . well, what other job allows to stay at home . . . not lift more than five pounds a day . . . not talk to other people . . . and still be creative? That - that - that’s why, “writer” came back as - as the only option when I filled out that . . . oh . . . um . . . Occupational aptitude, attitude test in ninth grade. What was I supposed to do now? You know, my - I - became really depressed and - and - and bored and desperate and . . . What did I do about it? I, uh, nothing. My - my whole reason for living . . . and my hope for making a living - as slim as it was . . . had all gone up in smoke. I was going to college in two months and - and suddenly I had lost . . . I didn’t even have the vaguest clue what my - my career objectives were . . . or even why I was going to college anymore. I’ve always been - as you can obviously tell - a tad anhedonistic - but uh, now things were . . . Before I could . . . I had been always able to at least hope that things would get better, but now - now even if I had the - the best of all possible worlds - it still would’ve sucked, you know. It’s - it’s worse than pessimism. Pessimists at least like being pessimists, but . . . I doesn’t matter if things are good or bad . . . I still can’t enjoy it. Maybe - maybe - maybe I should’ve just kept on writing . . . tried do develop a style of literature that I - or that people like me could’ve liked. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t work that hard on . . . And the thing is people told me I should continue to . . . that I was good - or at least that I was funny and that I should try something serious but . . . I don’t ever want to write again. I quit. It’s that Mozart’s father/Ed Wood question again. You know whether you should . . . like Mozart’s father forces little Wolfy to make music without ever asking him . . . before he even got a chance to make up his mind. Whether it’s better to do what your good at, even - even if you hate doing it. Or to do what you love, like Ed Wood, even if you have . . . absolutely no aptitude or ability or talent at it, whatsoever. You know . . . should you . . . the problem is: You know . . . what is good? What is . . . It’s hard to say what is good or what is bad in art - but then again, it’s hard not to. That’s because evaluating . . . critiquing any piece of . . . the merits of . . . it’s neither objective nor subjective . . . but something in between. I don’t know. Susan Sontag . . . I don’t know how many of you are familiar with . . . well, I don’t blame you, she’s pretty boring . . . but in her Against Interpretation she talks about how . . . you know, we should stop being so elitist and - and snobbish and start to enjoy camp, because, because, just because you can’t intellectual understand why enjoy a certain piece of art . . . that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t . . . that you didn’t already enjoy it, which is all . . . Some one once said - I forgot who - but they said, “A good piece of art of is one that you can talk about for hours, but you don’t have to.” I don’t know . . . See, ‘cause some things are obviously better than others . . . the Beatles are better than Michael Bolton . . . and doesn’t matter if no one ever sees it, it’s just . . . mathematically true. But other things, like, um . . . it’s just a matter of taste. While some taste is said to be better than others . . . or more high-brow . . . The thing is I used to pretend to like kitsch, you know stuff like John Tesh, Abba, Pia Zadora, Lawrence Welk, Olivia Newton-John, Mr. T, Donnie & Marie Osmond, Mothra, Midget Wrestling, Vanilla Ice, Edward D. Wood Jr., “Weird Al”, The Monkees, “Ishtar” and the like . . . I used to go around acting like I really liked them - not because I did like it but I thoughht that by pretending to like it, I would be satirizing - showing others how foolish they were to . . . you know like Zippy the Pinhead . . . but soon I found myself listening to more Pia Zadora than Beethoven. And it’s not like - like - I didn’t like that great stuff, but uh . . . I started to think - what’s wrong with novelty. You know, if - if someone were to come out of the woodwork with - positive, definitive proof that . . . that they were the long lost great great grandchild of William Shakespeare . . . and uh, suppose that they had written a play . . . It doesn’t matter how good or commercial or - the play was, it would be on Broadway and - and lots of people would go to see it. But it - it’s only with that kind of guaranteed audience could an artist . . . the best way to introduce a new form or to - to revolutionize any medium, is through . . . ‘cause it could be really good and the only way it could’ve ever been produced is . . . That’s why I always buy albums by actors or - or movies by musicians or . . . ‘cause you never know when there could be - a bit of under-recognized . . . These days that’s the only thing that ever occasionally make me happy is . . . other people’s art. Not other people’s books, obviously, but uh . . .the thing is it doesn’t always work. Some novelty is extremely bad . . . and not in a personal, relative, subjective . . . but that’s the cool thing about art. All arts - and I’m not talking about literature so much, since that’s really a coded form of communication, but uh, just propaganda, but . . . like Music and Paintings and stuff, the beautiful thing about it is - is that it’s just completely superfluous. There is no practical, utilitarian purpose for . . . a Vivaldi string quartet. I mean, there’s always some anthropologist coming along saying, stuff, like, um, you know, mankind could not survive without it’s . . . psychologists claiming that growing up without some stimulation causes retardation and disease, both physical and . . . but that’s just . . . see, we never had, but - if we never had it, we would never miss it. Really, we don’t need any - to continue to live and survive and propagate and - Well . . . every now and then there’s someone trying to come up with an actual use for . . . like baroque music helps carrots grow or something . . . but that’s just ridiculous, I mean it might, but not by a lot. So, um . . . well just think of all effort, all the thought and energy that . . . that we have poured into this completely unnecessary . . . it was created just for our appreciation and enjoyment. I mean, um . . . think of all the pure science that has gone into the creation of . . . a guitar tuner. Do we really need something that can . . . ? It’s amazing what kind of . . . the thing is I don’t like science - or technology - or math - or - or anything that can be applied tto . . . the sad part is, I did much better on the Math then the verbal section of the SATs, but I can’t . . . there’s no reason to waste your time on something that allows you to live longer, or better, or . . . when you can work on something so beautifully pure and - and devoid of purpose . . . I mean, that’s why it seems the only time I’m ever happy is when I’m - I’m watching a movie or a . . . well, watching a good movie - either personally or absolutely good, but, uh . . . and nothing’s more depressing than a bad . . . ‘cause here we have this totally - you know the only worthwhile achievement in the history of mankind and when someone messes it up, it’s so . . . And there is so little that’s truly fulfilling the needless purpose of art that . . . I’m pretty much never happy. But - well, I can’t think of any other way to find . . . without so much heartache. Maybe I should . . . I wish I could fall in love, but uh . . . well, I’m interested in sex, but I realize that I’m never going to . . . The thing is I don’t even know how to get started. What do I find attractive? Why is thin attractive? All that it could possibly . . . you know, it says that they have some sort of athletic physical prowess that, could mean, they’re really good at . . . but I mean, I don’t know what I want. I can’t imagine finding anyone who found me attractive very . . . . but then, again I can’t imagine anyone ever finding me . . . So, while, I would love to be in love, I just . . . the thing is I can’t understand anyone who doesn’t completely agree . . . you know, I just - I just can’t sympathize with anyone who would . . . who would . . . you know, not like “Blue Velvet” or - or be able to eat fried eggs or . . . It seems so completely alien - foreign to me that . . . I don’t belieeve they’re real. I mean, I have trouble believing in my own existence, but other people’s is even harder. You know, when I was a little kid, I used to be very solipsistic. I used to imagine that all the rest of world were robots and that every night they got together in . . . some sort of big meeting to discuss how they were going to torture me the next day. I - I remember sitting on top of the playground slide thinking, that if were to suddenly, without ever telling anybody . . . really quickly were to go to China, I wouldn’t find anything there . . . ‘cause the rest of the planet hadn’t anticipated . . . . so they didn’t have time to construct it for me. I don’t know. Maybe I just need . . . I know it sounds impossible - and that’s partly because it is impossible - but uh, . . . you know I would enjoy being some sort of, wacko, lunatic fringe, David Koresh, type cult . . . where I didn’t have to think for myself, so , uh . . . where I would constantly, unquestioningly know - who I am and - and what I was supposed to be doing . . . I envy people who can be so blind. They maybe wrong, but they don’t even think about . . . you know, they’re happy. And I’m sure I would be happy if . . . but, even assuming for one minute, that -that I exist . . . and that everything around me exists as I seem to perceive it to, assuming all that - which is something I occasionally have to do if I want to like - eat or order plane tickets or . . . I just have a hard time believing in God. I mean, I can’t imagine that anything smart enough to create all of this, would be dumb enough . . . to create all of this. And - the thing is: I, I’m, I don’t really believe in . . . you know the scientific myth . . . The Big Bang created the . . . and for some unknown random, lucky - or unlucky, depending on how you look at it. That for no reason at all that this lone little rock floating in the midst of all eternity - managed, somehow to . . . create life and allow it live long enough to evolve into the completely inept race that you see today. So I don’t know . . . if that makes me an agnostic or atheist or . . . I don’t think we could ever think of something that could think of us, so . . . whatever’s going on up there, in order for me to believe that it is powerful enough to do . . . well, it has to be beyond my comprehension. But even just saying that . . . somehow gives me a grasp on it that I should be unable to have. But, then . . . I just need someone to do the thinking for me. I’m sick of thinking for myself . . . it only leads me in circles. I just want to be happy. That’s all it comes down to . . . It doesn’t even have to be a religious sect, like if I could just get into like, um, the National Enquirer or . . . or the Baltimore Orioles. That’s another thing - as far as sports goes, I could never . . . I know it sounds as useless as Art, but - well, aside from like, building up muscles that could be useful in capturing your prey in a post-apocalyptic . . . but uh, I could just never care who won or lost . . . maybe that’s ‘cause I always lost, but um, when I was little I used to root for the New Orleans Saints . . . not ‘cause, I - I didn’t even know who was on the teamm or how well they . . . I just liked the color of their uniforms. So, I , uh, physical activities never really . . . I hate hiking, I hate camping or running or . . . I don’t know. Maybe I should have more of a social life . . . ye - get a group of friends. Someone who I can talk to, or - or hang out with. But, I - I’m never sure if . . . . the reason I don’t have any friends is because I don’t like them, because they’re not like me, or - or they don’t like me, ‘cause I’m not like them. While, I don’t fit in with the crowd, I try not to just . . . not to, because, I don’t . . . That’s what . . . You know what the real problem with the world is . . . conformity and individuality. There are, well, um, only three reasons why anyone tries to . . . does anything these days. 1.) To be like everyone else 2.) To be different from everyone else. Or - or 3.) To be better than everyone else. I say . . . but I don’t know, I mean . . . Do what you want to. Do what works. Do whatever. Do things because there's no real reason not to. If someone else is doing the same thing . . . great! If no one is doing the same thing . . . great! Who cares!?! Well, a lot . . . if not most . . . people do, but they shouldn't. In fact even I do occasionally even though I try really hard not to. You should, well . . . The worst is that a lot of people, well, it’s sad that . . . those who call themselves "nonconformists" are really just doing the, um, opposite of what the majority is doing . . . or what they perceive the . . . In the end they are just giving into peer pressure as much as . . . I mean a part of a clique that is as petty, strict, and hypocritical as the groups they are quote-unquote rebelling against . . . or at least they’re supposed to . . . or at least claim to . . . but . . . And it seems like, even they are just doing it for the money. ‘Cause well, anyone would . . . but some people would. I don’t know. Money is a lot more powerful a motivator than . . . Forget what all those Bible study classes or - or - or Saturday morning T.V. has been trying to tell you . . . I mean, they may be right, but they’re just not effective . . . they’re probably counter-productive, but uh . . . You see, we've all been brain-washed to think . . . from birth to think that money is happiness. We get it - we get it from commercials - from our peers - from our parents - from - from Disney and Capitalist public education and - and . . . if you think about it, even school is just a bribe. They tell you to sit up straight, and that you should . . . do your homework, and a - and shut up when the teacher tells you to and then, and then you will get a good grade. And if - if you get good grades you will get into a good college. If you get into a good college you will or you’re supposed to have an easier time getting a good job. And if you get a good job you will get . . . that's right . . . more money. And if you get more money you should be . . . you'll be happy. So, uh, stop complaining and do what you’re told. And the people who do that are happy - or are at least happier than me - or at least they . . . and I think so. But, uh . . . let me tell you a secret I've gained form my short but . . . well, short experience in this life: There is no consistent formula for happiness. It just comes and goes. Nothing, not money - Good Sex - popularity or - or freedom or True Love or, um, victory - honesty - adventure - friendship or alcohol or um . . . tranquility and security and peace, not even self-esteem, or uh, s - spirit - ecology or religion or having impact or memory, fun - approval, anticipation of . . . respect . . . nothing is happiness. Sometimes you're happy and sometimes you're miserable and there's not a hell of a lot you can do about it. Well, that's not exactly true. There are lost of little things that make people happy - back rubs - good ice cream. People collect these things and - and without even consciously thinking about it use them to . . . Maybe for you happiness could be a little known sketch by Picasso, or a local newspaper columnist that - that makes you laugh or - or maybe it's "In Dreams" by, uh, Roy Orbison. But for me, while uh . . . most people have so many of these little things that it . . . but for me the only one I could ever find is - is a little known actress by the name of Yeardley Smith. I don’t know if you know, but, um . . . She played Louise Fitzer, the uh, secretary on that old Fox sit-com, "Herman's Head." She also does the voice of Lisa Simpson on "The Simpsons." I mean, that’s her really voice, she, uh - she actually sounds like that naturally. That - that’s probably why she doesn’t get more parts, and why you haven’t . . . well, haven’t really heard of her. She did a cameo on "Murphy Brown" she was a . . . she was playing a character named Phoebe Crater. A really desperate, pathetic, woman she was trying to hit on - well, she was practically throwing herself at Miles while he was trapped in this tropical airport. This was, supposed to be funny. I don’t know. She also played Connie - the uh, newly-wed in that uh, Stephen King movie . . . which he even directed, "Maximum Overdrive" . . . she played Karin in that T.V. movie about the ballerina with cancer, "Silence like Glass", and uh, played Putter in "The Legend of Billie Jean” which was Christian Slater’s first film. Let’s see . . . she was Kathryn for like, two scenes in the movie "Heaven Help Us" with Donald Sutherland. That was - that was her first film role, but uh . . . Her biggest film role - at least as far as screen time goes, although, almost no one’s ever heard of this movie. It’s uh, it was that of Bonnie Cleator in the three character film "Ginger Ale Afternoon." Low-budget, trailer park cult film without a cult. It was based on some play . . . She appeared in the background as a cheerleader in the film - I don’t know if you remember "Three O’clock High." Um, she uh, did the voice of Cecilia on that one kiddie flick, “We’re Back!” with the dinosaurs and everything. Probably her most noted film role. . . the only one that most people have seen, is, uh was her three minutes in that Billy Crystal flick "City Slickers." She played Nancy, the check out girl who was having an affair with Daniel Stern . . . you know she comes in during the party and says she might be pregnant. It wasn’t much, but it got her a lot of attention. She - uh - she was in that movie, “Toys” with Robin Williams, she plays one of like five researchers, and has . . . maybe two or three lines. She was also in the ABC Afterschool special "Mom's On Strike." I - uh, unfortunately I haven't been able to see this yet. If you have a copy of this . . . or you know where I could get one . . . please contact me after the show or . . . Also, I - I'm looking for are Yeardley appearing with Hank Azaria in a 1991 episode of the short lived talk show "Into the Night with Rickie Dees". I doubt anyone in the world taped this, but, uh . . . I just . . . I - I'm not saying that she is world's greatest actress. She has very good comic timing, but she . . . I don’t know about . . . well, she has never really been given a serious chance to try drama although she uh . . . well, I think she would probably be good at it. I don't know. Some people, producers I guess, just . . . maybe they think her voice naturally just sounds so . . . funny that no one could ever take her seriously in a drama. But I don’t know. I mean, personally I think she’s good but, uh objectively . . . The thing is: that, I - I don't think there is really such a thing as a . . . as a good actor or actress. Some people are - are really good at playing certain parts, like um, like Woody Allen or Clint Eastwood. While others can . . . some have the ability to play a wide range of roles like uh, Tracey Ullman or - or Merryl Streep. But I don’t know if I just love her, or if I just love . . . her work . . . or whether I just like the idea of someone who is famous that - that nobody knows. Or maybe - maybe it’s just her name, Yeardley Smith. Yeardley sounds so . . . looks so weird and . . . it’s actually Gaelic from her father’s middle name - don’t ask me how I know all that, but uh . . . Yeardley is such a great first name and then - and then, Smith is - well, is just the worst most, bland uninteresting . . . I don’t know what it is, but uh . . . if I was any more obsessed with her I would probably - probably end up stalking her to her house and - and before you know it at least one of us would be dead or - or arrested. And then, then we’d both end up on "Hard Copy" and they . . . I just couldn’t do that to her. I know that in Nietzchean philosophy . . . or at least as much of it that I understand . . . this blind faith - well, not really faith or belief, but, uh, I don’t know . . . this acceptance of something, no what matter how small or silly, is - is what is keeping me from ever truly becoming an Überman. Of course, what - what I’m trying not to do is to . . . become one of the Übermen, because it’s making me miserable. I wish I could be more . . . um . . . accepting. I wish I was a better herdsman. Although, at least I do . . . or at least I used to "create" so I think that I could maybe be considered a part of Herd 2. If - if you don’t know Nietzsche, well, I - I could explain it to you only I don’t have the time . . . or - or really understand it well enough to . . . But still I don't see much point in becoming an Überman . . . the way I figure it you're either born a . . . born being able to become one or - or you're not ever going to learn how to . . . Maybe that’s my problem. I’m trying not to be and Überman, when I really am . . . but I don’t really believe that I or Fredrich . . . Fredrich Nietzsche or you or anyone has or - or can - or ever will be what N - he was trying to tell us to be . . . that we should enjoy existence as is. And do the best we can with what pathetic, miserable, painful . . . we got. So maybe I don't enjoy my suffering - or - or my joy. And maybe I do - maybee I only question everything except Yeardley Smith. But - but really, you got to have something to rely on or your my mind will explode . . . at least mine will . . . or at least I think it will. I don’t know. I have almost no faith in . . . well, I don’t think I have any faith in anything. Maybe - just maybe, the only thing that I think that I know . . . that I truly know for sure is that somewhere, somehow, out there is a short, squeaky-voiced, redheaded actress by the name of Yeardley. ‘Cause - ‘cause we all got to believe in something . . . anything - even if it isn’t real. For all you know, you could - you could be just a mass of semi-intelligent protoplasm on some scientist's table . . . and he’s got what you perceive of as your senses hooked up to some . . . they’re just being electronically stimulated by some computer program. Or maybe you're a . . . you’re just a middle-age housewife some . . . 50 years in the future, who is getting so entranced . . . caught up with a period piece 3-D virtual reality movie, that for just this one single second, this sudden now . . . with an odd irony of my talking about. Maybe she just temporarily thought that she was here - that she was you. You don’t know, but you can’t not know anything if, you know . . . Everyone believes in something . . . and not talking about something necessarily big, like . . . God or reality or . . . I mean, that’s my problem, that I . . . what I believe in isn’t very big - or big enough to . . . well, she doesn’t have any commandments or - or answers about my reason for living. Maybe that’s why I believe in her instead of God. She - I don’t know, she just seems more realistic. Did I ever . . . you know, when I was little and impressionable my parents took me to church every week, but, uh, did I ever really believe in God and now have come to doubt? Or - or was I always this skeptical? I mean, taking from Nietzsche: God is Dead . . . Paul is dead . . . yet, Elvis is alive. I don’t know. Is God dead? I don't know. Somehow, I doubt that if there really is a God it is impossible that he should be completely mortal. That leaves us with two choices: either God is a collective figment of humanity's imagination . . . which has happened before . . . or there is an all-knowing, all-powerful being is alive and well probably eating at Burger King with Elvis. Me, I'm kind of frightened about the whole . . . God theory - here I’m assuming of course that there is a me and - and there is a universe for him to create. I - I hate to admit it, but I'd really likke to finish someday and - and cease to exist as - as a form of consciousness sometime. I mean, eventually its got to end, or I’ll go mad or . . . I would - I would get bored with eternity . . . no matter what it’s like, after a while . . . I mean, what is there to do - to think about - to be . . . Eventually I want to retire - to kick back - to drive off into the sunset until I couldn’t see myself anymore. I’m already sick of being . . . sick of me. If I thought that . . . If I was sure I could snuff out feeling by - by killing myself, I would've committed suicide a, uh, a long time ago. However . . . you know, with my luck, if there is a God and a afterlife and and a judgment day and . . . and I - I did kill myself, I would have to . . . I would spend the rest of my after life - eternity having to feel guilty about it . . . and probably even going to Hell. You know what . . . My worst fear is that I'll be just - you know just barely good enough to get into heaven, and then - and then when I get there . . . I'll hate it. I could see all the people b - being these stuck-up snobbish prudes, and there would be no need for art or - and no more new episodes of the Simpsons or . . . Of course, there would be . . . I assume no new episodes in Hell either. That’s another thing, how could I enjoy . . . when there’s all these people . . . How could I relax knowing they were in eternal torment? They didn't deserve it. No one did - well, no one does. If you ever talk too people one on one, you'll find that they all . . . well, almost all of them have good intentions. They all think that what they're doing . . . and they way that they are doing . . . that it is right. Why - why else would they even do it? Unless they thought it was . . . Only in comic books do you find people who do evil - you know - purely for the sake of evil. That is of course assuming that I really am the person inside of this body whose eyes I am now currently looking out from - ‘cause if I don’t exist then I doubt that I would have to worry about . . . I don’t know. I just don’t know. It seems possible that . . . but that might really be evidence to the contrary. You, know in like stories or - or jokes, you know that - that things are not what they seem. Why do thing even bother seeming then? All appearance is - or well, could be a delusion. I know that . . . or at least it certainly seems probable that - that nothing is ever what it seems. Things are . . . it's always . . . well, not always, nut seems like they’re always, the opposite of what it looked like. I always hated . . . because in "Optical Illusions" and stuff where . . . the two lines or dots are always the, uh . . . the same size, if only because one looked larger than the other or what not. They never trick anybody ‘cause even though they look like . . . well, you’ve seen so many of them you just know. I think . . . I just think, I think . . . I think, uh, I think therefore I am. What is that? I uh . . . It really should be . . . Descartes should’ve said: I think, therefore I - I think that I am, and I might as well pretend that I am, because . . . because if I really am not, then, you know, there isn't a heck of a lot I can do about it. I don't know. I'm pretty sure that I am real and do exist at least on some level - or at least I act like I do, and I think that I think that, I . . . I don’t know. The only thing that I'm sure of . . . the Meaning Of Life is: Yeardley Smith. I'm not quite sure Yeardley Smith . . . what? or how this all relates, or what I am supposed to do, but what the . . .? I just . . . I love everything about her. Her Voice, her face, her body. I'm not saying that I want to have sex with her or anything. Maybe I do . . . maybe this has - has nothing to do with philosophy and I’m just suffering . . . from some sort of crush. Celebrity worship. The whole concept of an unknown celebrity is just . . . She’s just so . . . Truth is: I don't even think that I really want or well, need to meet her. I mean, I wouldn’t pass up the chance to . . . but I’m not going to like, fly out to California and stalk her to her house or . . . If I ever saw - if she ever walked up to me, I would probably just . . . pass out. Back, back in high school my career counselor said that - that I could be anything that I wanted to be, but you see, um . . . my only problem is that I didn't want to be anything. The only thing I ever wanted . . . not would like to have or see, but uh . . . the only thing I ever wanted was Yeardley Smith. Did I want to her for myself? No. Did I want her to have larger roles in better films? Probably. Did I just want her to be happy? Maybe. I don't know. Am I in love with her? I doubt it, I’ve never even met her, I’d like to think that - that love is more than . . . but for all I know . . . Oh Well . . . The problem is: they’re is just not enough of her - of her work, information about her, etc. out there to make me . . . not very often . . . I mean, I watch all her shows and stuff . . . and I love looking at her pictures and - and . . . but what all can I do with her? I don’t know. Maybe I . . . I don’t know if this will make any sense, but, uh, maybe I should be glad that I’m not happy. You know, it’s wrong to be . . . well, it should be wrong to be happy when there’s so much suffering in the world. I mean, it’s - it’s selfish to be, in any way, enjoying yourself when there are - are political prisoners being tortured . . . starving children by the million that - that - that you could be doing something about. And - and instead you’re just soaking in your Jacuzzi eating your - your microwave pizza. That - that isn’t right. Something should be . . . you shouldn’t be able to be happy unless everyone else is happy. I don’t know. I don’t know. I just don’t . . . can’t trust my instincts. ‘Cause - ‘cause I’m not even sure what they are . . . or - or if I have any. ‘Cause the minute I - I - I start to think, O.K. what - what would be my natural - spontaneous reaction to this . . . well, by then the moment’s gone and you’ve lost . . . but maybe it’s good thing that I . . . for - for all know, um, my main instinct may be to - to jump out there . . . and - and stab you all repeatedly with a - a turkey knife. So - so I don’t know . . . it might be a good thing that I don’t just follow my intuition - I mean, ‘cause that’s what you have to be careful of. If you don’t . . . well, you could end up in big trouble if you don’t plan ahead occasionally, but, um . . . it could be that, you know, I would be a lot more relaxed, and - and happy if I could just . . . well . . . I don’t know. Maybe I’m not apathetic enough. I care too much whether or not I’m right - or doing the right thing or - um whatever . . . sometimes I - I don’t care what other people think of - or at least I don’t think that I care what people think of . . . at least not consciously - maybe subliminally I’m worried about . . . maybe I’m worried that people might think I’m doing - whatever - just because they’re all doing it. I - I don’t know what it is that I care about but, I mean if I didn’t care - were carefree I could do - do whatever I wanted. But obviously . . . the thing is assuming that everything is as I see it - then - then I’m at least better than average or . . . I don’t want to seem boastful - but why shouldn’t I? Anyway . . . at least I think that I think that I could have anything I want - I work hard I . . . I whatever - I could do anything that I want the problem is that - that I don’t know what it is that I want so - so it’s kin of hard to work towards . . . I - I - I once thought that what I wanted was to know what I want . . . but once I thought that I shouldn’t’ve wanted it anymore, right? If I only wanted to know what I wanted then I should’ve felt . . . I don’t know . . . satisfied or - or - fulfilled or . . . so obviously I didnn’t care whether or not I - I knew what it was that I wanted so - so long as I had it, but . . . I just maybe I want to be happy . . . but I can’t be happy until I have what I wanted . . . kind of a catch 22 only - only - I can’t imagine that all I want is to be happy I mean maybe . . . it’s more important to be good . . . or I don’t popular or famous or righteous or . . . I don’t know. Sometimes I wish I was more self-centered or - or - not that I’m interested in what is the cool, hip, popular . . . but I am worried about whether what I’m doing is - is - is correct or accurate or - I just wish that it wouldn’t matter to me and I could - I would just go around and do whatever makes me happy or gives me pleasure or you know - just think of myself and . . . the thing is . . . I want to be . . . maybe that is what’s real - what’s true - what’s accurate or whatever - you know - whatever is good for me is just good - or as good as we can get. You know, whatever works for you is all . . . the problem with relativism is that - that - I mean, if everyone else doesn’t have to do it why do I? If there really is 8 billion different moral value systems all of them equally valid then - then - then what’s the point? Who’s going to enforce these . . . rules. If that’s true how can anyone act unethically - if you can just change the only value system that counts whenever you have to - then - then how could anyone sin? I mean, even if - even if relativism is true and whateveer you believe is . . . well, then I don’t believe in relativism then, at least for me, it isn’t true - but if there isn’t anything else governing . . . then there isn’t anything. If all moral meaningful value judgment is in the hands of mankind then - then what happens when all go? Assuming, of course that we do go? What then? Will anything be wrong once there are no longer . . . any observers to call it such? Some days I wake and ask myself, “Why do I even bother?” I - I used to joke that the only - the only reason I didn’t kill myself was that I - I was too squeamish. I mean, I used to think about it . . . about killing myself all the time, the problem is - once again - we don’t know what’s out there. I’d kill myself if I thought that was going to help, but it could just make things worse so - so I don’t even bother thinking about it anymore. Nietzsche said, that if it doesn’t kill you it only serves to make you stronger - but - but what if it does kill me? Does it make me weaker or . . .? The problem is . . . I hate life, but I fear death. I need another option if - if - there were something other than those two . . . If I could only keep myself busy. Some rote - mindless - eternal - envelope stuffing type job or . . . If I had something to do - something else to think about then I wouldn’t keep ending up in this . . . I just can’t do anything until I resolve this - or at least I won’t allow myself to . . . I could involved in politics, only . . . I mean, you might find this odd, I tend to be very liberal, you probably thought that I wouldn’t be able to make up my mind about . . . well, I’m not always sure of . . . but I usually find myself - maybe just through my upbringing be very . . . am I the only one left who still believes in politically correctness? I mean, everyone should be able to say whatever they want, but - but they should want to not say stuff like that - just be nice. I mean, why offend anybody? If they asked us to stop calling them - the minority or whatever - well, we shhould respect their wishes. Even - even if only a small percentage of the population of the group . . . I mean, sure - it’s true, almost anything I say will offend at least one person, but we - we fricking enslaved them, don’t they deserve something? If - if they all wanted to be called super-studs or - or something, well, that’s fine. I’d be happy to. I like affirmative action. I think - I think we owe them, even if it isn’t fair. And - and to be frank I mean, we haven’t even come half to fair on our side - racism is still rampant so - so - so what if there are tons of welfare cheats and it’s costing us tons of tax dollars, they need it more than we do. Just politically - I think that everyone should be able to do whatever they want so as they don’t harm anyone involuntarily - and by that I include the environment. I mean - if - if you think, say, homosexuality is wrong for - for religious reasons . . . I can’t think of any other plausible reason why someone would . . . but suppose you thought that the Bible said that being gay was wrong - and I’m not saying it does - doesn’t mean that you can discriminate against or - or treat them differently just because they don’t agree with . . . I mean you wouldn’t start exiling Buddhists or Krishnas or whatever - just because they don’t believe in the Bible - whatever it say about . . . whatever. Maybe I’d have more respect for the death penalty if - if our justice system was a little more accurate. I mean, suppose we’re right even - and this is stretching it - say 95% of the time. Well, well, I really don’t want to go around killing that extra 5%. I mean, I mean, for all we don’t know about death, the one thing that we can assume, is that it’s very hard to undo. So crime is rampant, and there’s metal detectors at schools and . . . And - and - and sure it’s true . . . there are no common family values and - and everyone’s fighting with each other and - our whole society is going to hell in a hand basket, but - but - but what did you expect? If we really want a free democratic society where everyone can do whatever they want essentially . . . then - then of course everyone’s going to do something different and - you’re not - not going to like a lot of them . . . and they’re going to - to - to come into conflict. But that’s the price you pay for . . . whatever. So - so - maybe abortion is killing. Even if that fetus isn’t a human being yet - someday it will be . . . So what? There are too many people as it is. I - I hate to sound cold-hearted and somebody’s got to go. And - and who’s going to miss it the least? The -the problem with this whole issue is that it’s it’s so blown out of proportion. It’s the Geraldo effect. In order to make the news - or the media - or -whatever. They only present the most exxtreme sides of the case. Until - until you’re almost embarrassed to sided with either. So everyone - everyone was getting all upset about these 4,000 quote-unquote non-essential government employees who . . . who were all temporarily laid off during the latest budget crisis. Everyone was like - like this was the first time they had noticed them . . . so everybody’s like, “We have 4,000 unnecessary employees! We should fire them all, that we we’ll all have less to pay on our income tax.” Particularly those 4,000 who no longer have an income. I mean, really. How essential is your job? Hunter-gatherer-investment banker. All that we really need is enough farmers to grow apples for everybody - we - we have enough buildings to - to shelter everybody. Get - down to brass tacks - do we really need a - any government employees? Let’s all agree to get along and . . . or not. Let’s go feudal everyone for themself. Doctors? We don’t need - need them. Just let the sick people die. They were going to die anyway . . . Really how essential are any of us? Suppose we all die tomorrow . . . things will go on. Nature will cope. And even if we did kill all living things - things will keep going, the earth will keep spinning. Non-essential. And even if the entire universe disappeared - everything in existence ceased to exist - well, so? There would be nothing there to miss it. Things - or the lack thereof would be fine. Everything is unimportant, nonessential, unnecessary, meaningless. Existence and everything in it is ultimately trivial. Nothing matters. Or maybe it does. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I try and be nice. Somehow . . . well, I think it¹s important. Or at least I think I think it¹s . . . maybe it¹s just some sort of subconscious - from my strict religious . . . anyway, I always felt it was a good thing to be nice. The way I look at is if - and I¹m not saying I have the slightest clue either way . . . If there isn¹t a God - well it doesn¹t matter how we act cause we¹re going to end up . . . so we might as well make the trip as pleasant for everyone as possible. And if there is - a God or- or whatever. Well, if there¹s a God that¹s like, you know, the way I think everyone - well, almost everyone - imagines him to be. Well, then he¹s a . . . fair, just . . . and he wouldn¹t punish someone if- if they didn¹t know what the rules were. That¹s why - even though it could be the most important . . . what ever . . . that¹s why I figure the less I know about religion the better. 'Cause God won¹t send me to hell if I had no idea specifically what to do. Of course I - I may have already jinxed myself by saying . . . so I try and and be nice 'cause I figure. Well, all religions - most religions - if you boil them down are - are really trying to tell you to . . . just play nice. Of course each one has different, conflicting . . . views on - on what is nice. But I generally thing that if there is a God, he wants us to be - I hate to keep using this word - but, nice . . . then again, it could be that God isn¹t, you know . . . that he is petty and egocentric and vain and - and whatever, mean. ‘Cause sometimes he can certainly seem to . . . You look at the Old Testament. ³Your God is a jealous God² You ever watch the 700 Club? God hates you if you¹re liberal or - or gay - or voted for - you know if - if that¹s true. Well, then . . . Fuck God. That¹s what I say. Just cause he has all the power in the universe to . . . enforce his little whims - just because he created me and the universe and . . . and everything - just because I owe him everything - my existence. Well, I didn¹t ask to be . . . who could I? I didn¹t exist. And if I did, I would¹ve at least thought about it . . . Even so . . . just because he is everything and - and he can make what he thinks to be true - to be right. That doesn¹t mean I have to listen to him. I can choose to follow a higher . . . Even if he doesn¹t want me to be . . . The problem is - I¹m not sure most of time what the nicest thing to do in any given situation. I try and and act like everyone is equally important. But there¹s just so many people - I - I can¹t keep track of . . . How can coonsider the person standing right in front of me to be as meaningful to me as - as some random guy in China I will, never have any sort of interaction with - or as important as myself. I mean, should I not care about myself at all - or am I supposed to treat myself just as anyone else - and how can I do that, since everything I do will effect me, while most things I do will - will never reach you or . . . Maybe the the thing is to treat everyone with love. Maybe that¹s what being nice is. But then - then - I have no idea exactly what love is. Some people have done some awful - what I¹d consider truly awful things . . . in the name of love. Is that love or . . . ? Love is what you define it as, and as such may not exist, most likely rendering the universe completely meaningless, which may or may not be such a bad thing, and either way is beyond our control. I was listening to Julee Cruise the other day. I am somewhat . . . loathe to mention the specific artist, seeing as how it sounds like, I don¹t know, a - a shameless plug for my own personal taste, but well . . . it¹s true. Anyway, I was listening to Julee Cruise¹s first album the other day, and the final song, ³The World Spins² came on. And when she reached up to that B on the line - now I can¹t sing but . . . ³love / don¹t go away / come back and stay², I began to . . . weep. Seriously. Now, I¹ve heard this album, you know, dozens of times, and nothing ever, no crying or . . . nothing ever happened before. In fact, I was never . . . a particularly big fan of that song. But, but this time . . . I guess I realized that I was never going to get to ache for anything . . . long for, truly need, anything that badly. There was no one - nothing in my life that, if it were taken from me, I would ever . . . miss that much. Well, it finally it hit me - Maybe it was better - I hate to say this, but maybe it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. You know, before, I had always thought that this was . . . just something people say to make them selves feel better or . . . you know, after getting dumped. After all, no one has ever - well I don¹t think it¹s possible - by definition - to have loved and not loved simultaneously, therefore a . . . real side-by-side comparison was . . . Maybe Juliet would never have been that . . . happy, loved, ecstatic . . . whatever being in love feels like. Maybe she wouldn¹t¹ve felt . . . had she not run into Romeo, but she still would be . . . alive for thing, and - on occasion, I¹m sure she would¹ve been - happy. You never know what you¹ve got 'till it¹s . . . so if you never have it how can you . . . really ever know. But I have never loved. And even though I don¹t know what I¹m missing, still I . . . maybe it was just a case of ³the grass being greener² or what ever . . . Everyone I¹ve ever talked to who have been in . . . been there or know what I¹m talking about. You know they all say - at least once - told me that they envy my . . . loveless, un heartbroken . . . position. Other times though - you can tell that they would never trade it . . . Here I am, nineteen - and still, I have never been on a date . . . never held hands at the movies . . . never gazed deeply into another¹s eyes . . . never slow danced . . . never kissed . . . never fucked. I - I had never even had a crush on anyone. When I was in fifth grade, this is silly but . . . I pretended - to myself - that I had a crush on . . . what was her name? Sarah Nunn - mostly 'cause everyone else in my class had a crush and I - I wanted to fit in . . . like it was some sort of new fad that all the kids were getting into or . . . But in my perverse desire to go against - you know make fun . . . add a sarcastic . . . root for the underdog, I picked the least popular, quote-unquote ugliest girl in the class. She wasn¹t that bad, but . . . Of course, I was too - I don¹t know - by my fabricated crush and I never actually told or - or did anything about it - so nothing happened. And I¹ve never ask . . . even thought about asking anyone else out. I mean, and sure . . . one problem is I don¹t know who I¹d ask. The only females that I spend any time with . . . and I like both of them but . . . well one¹s my sister and and the other¹s my bassist¹s girlfriend - both of whom I¹d consider off-limits - plus they¹d both say no anyway. That¹s a joke. I wouldn¹t . . . Now my lack of . . . feminine companionship - even platonic . . . whatever, isn¹t due to some sort of . . . misogynistic impulse. At least I don¹t think it¹s . . . I don¹t know a lot of guys either. I suppose there were other girls I could have met. Or did meet, and could¹ve . . . remembered. Tried a little harder to talk to . . . just make friends. But that was never a skill with which I was . . shall we say, well-equipped. And what am I looking for in a . . . potential girlfriend? I don¹t know. I hate to have any, you know, preconceived notions, just in case, someone did come along and didn¹t fit all of them, wasn¹t blonde or - or under five-foot-ten or . . . you know whatever. Be sides I¹m not really a - a visual person. It¹s much more . . . I¹d rather have someone smart, and creative, and sensitive, and intelligent, and . . . but even then, I try not to get to hung up on, well, she has to be this - or that - or whatever . . . I don¹t want to - to be disappointed, and ruin what could be a - good thing just because the other person wasn¹t . . . After all beggars can¹t be choosy. I¹ll - I¹ll take whatever I can get at this point. Of course, I realize saying that - you know I come off as . . . makes me sound like a - a prime candidate for one of those . . . the statistically insignificant number of abused husbands or boyfriends or . . . But I can¹t even seem to find or attract the one of those . . . really aggressive man-beaters. Oh well - sigh. That¹s another joke. It may be true but it was supposed to be . . . I did think I might be . . . gay for a while. On my eighteenth birthday I said to myself, ³I¹m 18 and I¹ve - I¹ve - I¹ve never had a date with a girl. It¹s not them . . it¹s not . . . it¹s obviously me - something to do with me. Maybe I should look at what - check my option or . . . whatever.² And - this is going to sound stupid, but I - I really hoped I was . . . 'cause I figured once I admitted this to myself, made peace with my inner . . . then I would be a lot more comfortable with myself, and happier, and less repressed and . . . But after about a week, I said to myself, ³I¹m eighteen and I¹ve never been on a date with - with a guy either². So, I guess I¹m stuck with nothing. I just couldn¹t picture myself, doing . . . it¹s not that homophobic or nothing - it¹s just every time I tried to - imagine myself doing . . . you know . . . well I just started getting queasy, nauseous. And I tried, I just couldn¹t even . . . th -think about . . . And - and it¹s not that I¹m - not interested in sex - or whatever. I have lots of . . . I . . . fantasies about women - something about Chelsea Clinton and Yeardley Smith in - in a hot tub full of Yoo-Hoo . . . now that was a joke. C¹mon people, I don¹t . . . I¹m not going to get into specifics, but I do have a lot of . . . you know, daydreams and whatever, but I¹m not in them. See, unlike some people, I guess - I like to have you know - just a - a touch of reality in my fantasy. And realistically I - I - I just can¹t see anyone . . . haviing sex with me. In fact that is my ONE - somewhat intellectualized - but . . . fantasy with me actually . . . in it. It¹s that well . . . someone wants - actually wants - to have sex with me. That¹s it. I don¹t care who it is, or what she . . . or he . . . looks like. They want, really want, to have sex with me, and - and that¹s enough. Of course, even though this is my own little imaginary . . concoction . . . I don¹t believe - I mean really - why would anyone? - I don¹t believe that they¹re sincere and so I ask them, why, and in my - my mind I can¹t think of anything for . . . the other person to say. I s just can¹t. I want them . . . to prove it. And then whoever . . . they get all offended and - withdraw their . . . offer. So even in my fantasies I - I - I can¹t score. I hate being male . . . having to be the one who asks . . . who makes the first move or whatever. I - I just don¹t know what to say, or who to ask, or what we¹d end up doing if . . 'cause anything is possible, if she said yes. That¹s why I like the idea of - of personal ads. They can make the first, . . . choose me rather than . . . Of course any - relationship I may have I would like to be completely . . . just to be based on - on honesty and trust. I¹ve, at one time or another, I¹m not happy about - I¹m not sure if it¹s nice or moral, but I . . . lied to everyone I know. But, I would never want to . . . lie to my . . . So I guess I couldn¹t . . . with anyone I know, ‘cause . . . I¹d want her to love . . . me, and if ever I lied, hid, or misrepresented myself - well, how could she love me when she never really got to . . . know me - all of me, every nook and . . . she was in love with something I created, which was pretty close to . . . but not . . . So in in those you know, ads - I end up being brutally honest - which sounds like I¹m . . . being terribly hard on myself - which is both really who I am and - and - and - and how I feel, but doesn¹t sound very . . . And so no one ever answers them. Of course if ever - extremely hypothetically here - if someone did fall in love with me, I would give her anything they wanted, even if . . . I didn¹t particularly like her . . . or him - because, well . . . because love is such - such a rare and beautiful thing, that I would never want to ruin . . . dash someone else¹s . . . just because I didn¹t happen to . . . share it. Now I realize I guess that sorta goes against my whole . . . honesty to loved ones policy, but I think that being in love with me is the - the most attractive quality anyone could - could ever posses. That¹s why I¹m all for biracial, cross-cultural, homosexual, polyamorous, VOLUNTARY incestuous, May-December, goofed-up, so that all their friends and family go on Jenny Jones to tell you to dump him . . . whatever, relationships. Because love is - is - is so hard to find, that any and all limits placed on it are . . . ridiculous. I¹ll, I¹ll even go as far as to say that - that we should lower the age of consent to like - twelve or thirteen, because even if loove doesn¹t really exist, the self-delusion of it is all we got and . . . is just as precious as the real . . . and everyone should be encouraged to find their one - or two or . . . true mate. Of course, I¹m not sure that I totally believe that . . . buy into those soulmate concept - that is one and only one . . . you were meant to be with . . . ideals. People tend to overlook a love - or an illusion thereof - which could be just as . . . fulfilling, waiting for that fairy tale white knight, Mr. Right, to sweep them off their feet. Truth is, it¹s - it¹s just not likely . . . mathematically impossible. Even there was only one person we were supposed to . . . meant to be with, they probably don¹t speak English, or live three continents away, or were born in 1587, or are a completely straight male too, or they died when they were six, or you¹ll always live two blocks away from them and just never meet or . . . whatever. Really if there is . . . then there would have to be . . . lots of people - lots of different people - possibly millions of people with whom you could fall in . . and spend the rest of your life with quite contentedly. Of course, if ever I happened to fall in love with with . . . I would most likely have to move abruptly. Out of the state. Because if - if ever I said anything about my intentions, and she didn¹t . . . she failed to reciprocate - well, I would be crush . . . I¹m not a strong man. And even worse, then the my personal heartache or . . . I would make her feel, you know, awkward and uncomfortable, ruining any possible friendship we might have had. And if I loved . . . the last thing I¹d want to do is to make her . . . hurt her in any way. But this is more than - than just a . . . fear of rejection. Because, if - highly unlikely - but if I admitted my feelings and . . . she claimed the same, I would end up . . . most likely make her a life - a living hell, I know me too well, I¹m not mature enough to handle my own feeling much less . . . I could just see it. I would be at turns unsympathetic and too sensitive, over-protective and ungrateful. It¹s just that . . I have no social skills and would end doing everything that . . . terribly wrong and - and hurting her feelings in the whole . . . process. And making myself feel like a chump for doing that to her. And yet, if I did love her - how could I help but say something? Being around her every, it¹d be all I could think . . . Thinking about her - driving me crazy - I would have to move, just just to keep from hurting her and hurting me for hurting . . . not that I¹m just watching out for . . . ‘cause if I did love her, then I wouldn¹t care about my own . . . but, I don¹t know. Maybe I should¹ve married that - that one girl. She had hung fliers on the . . . looking for a husband. Apparently, if you¹re under the age of twenty-four, the only way to be seen as a state resident - for tuition purposes - and financially independent of your paarents - for financial aid grants - is to be married. Now, I - I - I don¹t need any money for . . . but I nearly called the number on the flier anyway. I thought - I don¹t know why - just . . . what a wacky, spontaneous, sit-com-ie type of thing to do. And then I¹d have an - an excuse for my total lack of romantic interplay: faithfulness. Besides who knows, it could be . . . she and I could¹ve hit it off. It would¹ve been the ultimate clichéd movie ³meet cute² but . . . I don¹t know, I just never got up the nerve. And where does that . . . ? We don¹t need love to live, we just - we just need love to want to live. And I - you know, I know that I¹m the only one to blame for . . . my current situation, but I¹m not sure how to . . . just what exactly I¹m supposed to . . . Or if I even can. I - I¹ve heard it said that no one can love you until . . . you know, until you love yourself, but that always sounded like some sort of . . . I don¹t know - excuse to be petty and egotistical. You know, I can do whatever I want because . . . I am me and . . . I don¹t know, I just hate it that¹s all. I want to change. Even - even if I¹m wrong, I don¹t want to live like . . . I¹m sick and tired of being alone. I don¹t know. Maybe I just think . . . I think too much. But how do you stop? What can you say to yourself to make . . . see it¹s you who¹s saying, so why should I listen? I don¹t know. I¹ve babbled long enough. I¹m sorry to have you know . . . whined . . . anyway. You can go now.