SCENE 1- Intr. of a coffee shop. Day.  EUGENE, an average slightly under-exercised yet thin, alienated, urban 27 years old, wearing a nice tan jacket and an understated blue shirt, no tie. He is waiting patiently and eating a donut. Then KYLE enters the shop. He is sportily dressed & dark haired. He is wearing Ray-Bans and is perhaps fondling a tennis racket.

 

KYLE

      I got your message. What happened?

 

EUGENE

What do you mean what happened? TERESA and I are splitting up. Getting divorced. Kaput. The end.

 

KYLE

      That’s terrible. You two always seemed so perfect for each other.

 

EUGENE

That’s what I thought. Where were you last week anyway?

 

KYLE

      I told you that I’d be in Mexico all week.

 

EUGENE

Geez, I don’t remember you telling me that. I’ve tried to call you almost every day.

 

KYLE

      I know. I know. You left seventeen messages on my recorder.

 

EUGENE

I’m sorry. I just didn’t know who else to talk to.

 

KYLE

      It’s O.K. So . . . so how did it happen? Was there another man?

 

EUGENE

No. No there wasn’t. Although she’s already moved in with somebody else.

 

KYLE

      I thought you said this only happened a week ago.

 

EUGENE

It did.

 

KYLE

      And she found somebody else so fast?

 

EUGENE

She met him at the health club just three days ago.

 

KYLE

      Who was it?

 

EUGENE

She didn’t say. Tom somebody I think.

 

KYLE

      But she didn’t know him before this.

 

EUGENE

No, she’d never been to a gym before.

 

KYLE

      Then why did you guys decide to split up?

 

EUGENE

Well, up until a week ago, our marriage was running pretty smoothly, I thought. Then, TERESA read an article in Cosmo about how married couples should see a marriage counselor . . . even when they’re not have problems. Sort of like giving your car a tune-up. I thought it sounded like a waste of $50, but I didn’t say anything. I just wanted to keep TERESA happy. So, the next day there we were at this marriage counselor’s . . .

 

SCENE 2 - Fade to Intr. of a marriage counselor’s office. The office is cluttered with little bizarre trinkets. The desk is covered in papers and various other paraphernalia. The walls are lined with happy cute little posters alá the dentist’s. The counselor - a large, chubby-plump (almost but not quite fat), sadistic lady wearing horn rimmed glasses, bright purple and pink swirled blouse and a string of pearls is sitting behind the desk. In front of the cluttered desk sit (in uncomfortable plastic chairs) EUGENE and TERESA a well built, tanned, blonde with serious blue eyes. She is wearing a modest white miniskirt and a denim long-sleeved work shirt. On top of her head (she’s not wearing them) is a suitable pair of sunglasses.

 

COUNSELOR

So . . . why don't you explain what's going on, Eugene?

 

EUGENE

Oh, well, nothing really.

 

COUNSELOR

      Oh, come now. Something must be bothering you guys.

 

TERESA

Nah. We're just fine.

 

COUNSELOR

      Well, there has to be some reason why you two are visiting me.

 

TERESA

We're here to give our marriage a little spit shine. Nothing like a tune-up to keep the engine running.

 

(laughs snortingly)

 

EUGENE

      Uh, yeah, . . . that.

 

COUNSELOR

I know I'm the one getting paid around here. But I can't do any work unless you guys tell me something. I am a marriage counselor you know.

 

EUGENE


I know that in your line of work you probably get the idea that all married couples are having some sort of problem, but we're doing O.K. actually.

 

COUNSELOR

(Rummaging through her papers, finally finding what she was looking for)

Hmm, Let me just look at the checklist. So, TERESA, is it Eugene here sleeping with his secretary?

 

TERESA

What! Well, of course not! He doesn't have a secretary . . . he's a violinist.

 

COUNSELOR

      O.K. Does he go out of town a lot?

 

TERESA

(getting a little irritated)

No. As a matter of fact, he plays for the local symphony just across the street from our house. I go to most of his concerts.

 

EUGENE

Just what are you driving at here?

 

COUNSELOR

Nothing but, surely there must be something bothering you two. Couples don't just come to see me for no reason. Now what's troubling you?

 

EUGENE

No, really, our marriage is pretty close to perfect. I'm mean not everything's perfect but usually . . .

 

TERESA

(Interrupting)

      What do you mean not everything's perfect?

 

COUNSELOR

Yes, Eugene. I think that it's time that fully communicated with Teresa. Let out all your complaints and grievances so we can work them out together and make a happy, wonderful marriage. So, go on. Tell Teresa what you don't like about her. Go on and tell her.

 

EUGENE

Well, uh, gee, I don't know. It's just that . . . oh it's nothing really.

 

COUNSELOR

(getting a little frustrated and yelling)

      Tell her you, nitwit!!

 

EUGENE

Well, Teresa, honey, darling, it's not that I don't think you're a wonderful cook. It's just that well . . . I don't know. Maybe we should eat something other than spaghetti, you know just once and while.

 

TERESA

(disheartened and sad)

      You don’t like my spaghetti? I work at it all day.

 

EUGENE

No, I . . . I love your spaghetti. It’s the best spaghetti I’ve ever had. It's just that it’s been over a year and half now and I'd like to taste some meat.

 

TERESA

(accusingly)

What's the matter? My spaghetti not good enough for you! Or maybe you just want me to be a slave to the oven isn't that right, you little chauvinist pig!! Barefoot and Pregnant, that's what you want isn't it, Gene?!?

 

EUGENE

(trying to be funny)

      Can't get pregnant without sex.

 

COUNSELOR

Isn't this wonderful? We call this problem-sharing. When one of you has a problem, you talk about it with your spouse until you come up with a solution like this one.

 

EUGENE

      Solution! What solution? Are we still having spaghetti for dinner?

 

TERESA

(abruptly)

      Yes.

 

EUGENE

(to the COUNSELOR)

      Thanks a lot.

 

COUNSELOR

Now that we've got that settled. TERESA, is there any "problem-sharing" you'd like to do with Eugene?

 

TERESA

      He squeezes his toothpaste from the middle.

 

EUGENE

      What?!?

 

TERESA

Every night he squeezes it out from the middle instead of rolling it up from the ends.

 

EUGENE

(apologetic)

      I'm sorry. I didn't know how you liked your toothpaste squeezed.

 

TERESA

(angrily)

      You never asked!

 

EUGENE

(sarcastic)

      Well, I'll just stop brushing my teeth.

 

TERESA

      Fine.

 

EUGENE

Yep. I'll let them turn all yellow and guky and they'll fall out. And I'll . . . I'll die from gingivitis.

 

TERESA

Just fine.

 

COUNSELOR

      Actually you can't die from a case of gingivitis.

 

EUGENE

      You stay out of this!

 

TERESA

And I hate the way he dresses. Particularly that ugly green and purple tie . . .

 

EUGENE

      Hey! My Uncle Charlie gave me that tie.

 

TERESA

(confidentially to the COUNSELOR)

The same Uncle Charlie who was arrested for fondling 8-year old girls.

 

EUGENE

      I still say he was framed so he'd lose the re-election.

 

COUNSELOR

Tell me more about your husband's problems, TERESA.

 

TERESA

And he’s still plating second violin . . .

 

EUGENE

Uncle Charlie always liked you. Ever since we were kids. Remember all those Christmas presents he gave you when you were a little girl.

 

TERESA

. . . He could be making twice as much money. All he has to do is ask for a chance to audition and they’ll move him up. I think he's afraid of the concertmaster

 

(glares at EUGENE)

 

Donald Karlin. He only makes $18,000 a year, but he’s still afraid of him.

 

EUGENE

I am not afraid of Don Karlin. I just don’t think I’m ready for the first violins yet. And why are you always harping at me about money. We make enough to live don’t we?

 

COUNSELOR

Well, now this is good. I feel we're doing some real heavy-duty problem-sharing. Now, Eugene, you promise to quit your lousy and job, stop squirting the toothpaste from the middle, and throw away that nasty little tie of yours.

 

EUGENE

      What!?! When did I promise this?

 

COUNSELOR

Well, that's what problem-sharing's all about, Eugene. Everybody has to make compromises for the sake of the marriage.

 

EUGENE

      Compromises? Compromises! Whose side are you on anyway?

 

COUNSELOR

(righteously indignant)

Well, I know I’m not supposed to take sides on this, but I think you’re the one who’s abusing your rights as a husband.

 

EUGENE

      This is ridiculous! She’s the one who’s using me.

 

COUNSELOR

Now, we know that in 83% of all failed marriages, it is the man who’s taking advantage of the woman.

 

EUGENE

(getting up to leave)

      Well, we were both doing fine until we came in here.

 

TERESA

I don’t know about that, Gene. We do have some problems we need to work out. Maybe it’s time we thought about a separation.

 

EUGENE

TERESA! Are you talking about a divorce?

 

TERESA

      I wasn’t going to go that far, but since you suggested it . . .

 

EUGENE

(to the COUNSELOR)

You call yourself a counselor?!? You've single-handedly undone my entire marriage.

 

COUNSELOR

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. This is my first day on the job.

 

TERESA

Could you recommend a good divorce attorney?

 

EUGENE

      What? Already? You’re not even going to think about this?

 

COUNSELOR

A Mrs. Clairy gave me a couple of her business cards. Said I might need them.

 

(hands one to TERESA)

 

EUGENE

      What is this . . . I can't afford an attorney.

 

TERESA

Now that I'm dating again . . . do you know any interesting men?

 

COUNSELOR

Well, my last couple just broke up. The guy seemed really nice to me, but I . . .

 

EUGENE

      How? How could you do it?

 

TERESA

Me? ME?!? It's all you fault!

 

SCENE 3- Back in the coffee shop. EUGENE and KYLE are still talking.

 

KYLE

      That’s awful. How could you let that woman do that to you?

 

EUGENE

Oh, the marriage counselor was only doing her job. I really think there were some underlying tensions before then. I had just never noticed them.

 

KYLE

I’m not talking about the marriage counselor. How could let Teresa do that to you?

 

EUGENE

Well, I don’t know. I guess it was kind of my fault. I should’ve asked her how she liked her toothpaste squeezed . . . I don’t know.

 

KYLE

Eugene. The woman was taking advantage of you. She wanted to be a housewife without doing any of the work. And you let her get away with it.

 

EUGENE

      Well, I loved her.

 

KYLE

No, you just loved the fact that someone would actually marry you. How many women did you date before you met Teresa?

 

EUGENE

      I, uh, don’t remember. It was long time ago.

 

KYLE

      Less than two years.

 

EUGENE

Well . . . I’m more selective about the women I date than you. You’ll ask out anything on two legs.

 

KYLE

      I’ll bet you she’s the first woman you ever really dated.

 

EUGENE

      That’s not true. I took Sally Jo out to the senior prom before that.

 

KYLE

You see? You took the first girl who came along. That’s how you ended up in so much trouble.

 

EUGENE

      Beggars can’t choosers.

 

KYLE

Geez, Gene, you’re not a beggar. You’re nice and funny and well-off and . . . and even vaguely attractive. I bet the girls would just love to get their hands on you.

 

EUGENE

      Now you’re the one who’s acting crazy.

 

In the background, slightly out-of-focus while all this dialogue is going on, we can see the cashier. First a very fat woman comes up and orders a large box of doughnuts, pays for them grabs her purchase and leaves. Then some guy wearing a ski mask comes up and pulls out a gun. The cashier puts his arm in the air. The two appear to be arguing for a short while and then the cashier apparently recognizes the robber. The two shake hands and then hug like two old friends who haven’t seen each other in a long while. The two each grab a cup of coffee, sit down at a near-by table and start talking . . .

 

KYLE

      No. I’m serious. You know what you need, Gene?

 

EUGENE

      What?

 

KYLE

      A good fucking.

 

EUGENE

      What?!?

 

KYLE

      You need some sex. I could recommend a couple girls for you.

 

EUGENE

Geez, Kyle, Is . . is that your answer for everything? You act as though sex could cure cancer.

 

KYLE

      Hey that’s never been disproven you know.

 

EUGENE

I don’t think I could do that. The divorce won’t be finalized for another week or two. I’d . . . I’d feel like I was cheating on TERESA.

 

KYLE

      She’s already moved in with someone else.

 

EUGENE

Well, yeah, but still. I think there is more to a relationship than just the . . . uh, you know physical end of it.

 

KYLE

I happen to know that you weren’t getting any with TERESA.

 

EUGENE

It’s not exactly her fault that she’s . . .

 

(quieter so the other patrons can’t hear)

 

frigid.

 

KYLE

      I wouldn’t be too sure of that.

 

EUGENE

      Well, it wasn’t MY fault anyway.

 

KYLE

      I wouldn’t be too sure of that either.

 

EUGENE

      Wha- What are you saying? That she was faking it.

 

KYLE

      Women have been known to fake almost anything.

 

EUGENE

      Like, I’m going take advice about women from you.

 

KYLE

Now, Gene, we must admit that I’ve had much more experience than you have. You were married for two years, you know.

 

EUGENE

      It was only 19 months.

 

KYLE

      Still, it gave me a chance to meet a lot more women than you.

 

EUGENE

Those . . . those were not women, they were girls. There’s a difference you know.

 

KYLE

Close enough. I still have more experience.

 

(sips his coffee thoughtfully)

 

You really liked being married didn’t you?

 

EUGENE

(sighing with regret)

More than I liked TERESA herself probably.

 

KYLE

      I couldn’t stand it being tied down like that. I’ll never get married

 

EUGENE

I know. You’re idea of a good time is someone you don’t have to see again after the night’s over.

 

KYLE

Hey. You don’t have to worry about alimony payments after a one-night stand. Which brings up a good point, how are you two going to settle the legal end of all this?

 

EUGENE

She’s got this lawyer, Mrs. Clairy, who’s going to handle all of that for both of us.

 

KYLE

That’s not such a good idea Eugene. Each one of you should bring in your own attorney. It’s safer that way.

 

EUGENE

Well, I’d like to but I can’t really afford to. Besides I don’t think that Teresa would take advantage of me.

 

KYLE

      I think that she already did.

 

SCENE 4 - Outside of EUGENE’s house. He walks to his door, removes his key from his pocket and puts it in the doorknob. It doesn’t fit. He checks the key. It still doesn’t fit. Finally, he gives up and rings the doorbell. TERESA answers.

 

TERESA

      What do you want?

 

EUGENE

      I . . . I want to go inside. What are you doing here?

 

TERESA

      I live here.

 

EUGENE

      You live he- This is my house.

 

TERESA

      Not any more.

 

EUGENE

      Did Mrs. Clairy do this?

 

TERESA

      Yes.

 

EUGENE

This isn’t fair! I don’t have a lawyer yet. You can’t start using yours till I’ve got one of my own.

 

TERESA

      You’re being childish again, Eugene.

 

EUGENE

      I am not, am not, am not!

 

TERESA

(reprovingly)

      Eugene.

 

EUGENE

Why do you need this house? I thought you moved in with someone else, anyway.

 

TERESA

      I did. Tom sold his place. Now we live here.

 

EUGENE

      But - but this place is right across the street from the symphony.

 

TERESA

      I know. That’s why we love it so, here. So much culture.

 

EUGENE

      I . . . I work there.

 

TERESA

I don’t see why you need a house this size for yourself anyway. There’s two of us and only one of you. Why don’t you just get yourself an apartment or something?

 

EUGENE

Because I already paid for this house. Or at least most of it anyway. I’m not leaving this lawn until you give me my house back.

 

TERESA

Now, don’t make me call the cops, Eugene. I could do that you know.

 

EUGENE

Really?

 

TERESA

Yes. It’s called trespassing.

 

EUGENE

      But . . . I live here.

 

TERESA

Not anymore you don’t. You don’t want go jail now, do you Eugene?

 

EUGENE

No. No. No.

 

TERESA

Then are you going to leave?

 

EUGENE

(resigned)

I’m leaving. You can have the house.

 

TERESA

See you later.

 

EUGENE

(starts to leave, but then turns around quickly)

       Could I get my stuff out first?

 

TERESA

      Here I’ll get it for you.

 

She goes inside and rustles around a little bit. When she does return she is carrying only a violin in a violin case and a ton of disorganized papers, mostly music, in a folder.

 

EUGENE

      What?!? This is it?

 

TERESA

      Pretty much. Yeah.

 

EUGENE

      I don’t deserve this you know.

 

TERESA

(Indicating the entire house and every thing that’s in it)

      I know, but I do deserve this.

 

SCENE 5 - Door of a small run-down apartment. The word “MANAGER” is printed on it.  EUGENE is trying to juggle all of his paper and violin in one arm while knocking on the door with the other. As the door opens, EUGENE loses grasp of everything and it all comes falling out, flying all over. At the door is the manager of the apartment building. She is a small, mousy woman in her late 20’s. Her hair is short and she is wearing a pair of round, wire-rimmed glasses that seem too big for her face. She is dressed like a lonely librarian. Not the prude, up-tight kind, but more the shy, small, would-like-to-be-somebody-but-doesn’t-know-how-to-act-well-around-people kind. Her name is SHAUNA.

 

SHAUNA

Yes?

 

EUGENE

(on his hands and knees trying to gather all his things)

I, uh, thought that, well, I read in the newspaper that you have some, uh, apartments to lease.

 

SHAUNA

      That’s right.

 

EUGENE

(having picked up everything and straightened himself again)

      I’d like to lease one of them . . . please.

 

SHAUNA

(checks her watch . . . as if she had something else to do)

Uh, yeah. Sure I could show them to you right now.

 

EUGENE

      Why thanks. Thanks a lot. You’re a lifesaver.

 

SCENE 6 - Intr. of a large empty lavish apartment.

 

SHAUNA

(saying something obviously memorized that she really doesn’t care about)

. . . 4,000 square feet with real Red Oak paneling. The kitchen has a . . .

 

EUGENE

(Interrupting, but still trying to be polite to this small fragile woman)

Uh, just how much does it cost?

 

SHAUNA

But I didn’t show you the kitchen yet.

 

EUGENE

Look. I really don’t care right now. My wife just took my house and I need somewhere to sleep tonight.

 

SHAUNA

      So . . . you’re single?

 

EUGENE

      I guess, technically, I am.

 

SHAUNA

      Hmm . . .

 

EUGENE

Not really. I wouldn’t want to bore you with the details right now. So, what’s the price on this baby?

 

SHAUNA

Right now it’s going at . . . uh . . .

 

(checks a stack of papers she has with her, does some calculations in her head)

 

$1,400 a month.

 

EUGENE

      Ouch. I really could use some place a little cheaper.

 

SHAUNA

Well, I’ve only got one other space that’s open immediately.

 

SCENE 7 - Intr. of EUGENE’s apartment-to-be. It is littered with overturned furniture, dirty clothes and magazines. It is dirty and quite small.

 

SHAUNA

. . . 500 square feet. With real

 

(checks the wall with her fingernail)

 

plaster walls . . .

 

EUGENE

      What happened here?

 

SHAUNA

Well, the family who used to leave here had to leave suddenly.

 

EUGENE

      You mean a whole family lived here?

 

SHAUNA

      Yeah. There were eight of them.

 

Suddenly realizing how ridiculous that was, the both of them begin to laugh. Slowly at first until they become quite well amused . . . they are not cracking up over this however.

 

EUGENE

You don’t seem like a real landlady to me.

 

SHAUNA

      Huh? Why not?

 

EUGENE

I don’t know. I always think of landladies as crabby, old, women, I guess. You just seem too nice.

 

SHAUNA

Well, actually I’m not really a landlady. What I really want to be is a poet. My father used to own this building till he died. Now I just run it to keep a steady income coming in.

 

EUGENE

      Hmm . . . Have you got anything published?

 

SHAUNA

What - no. I, uh, don’t like it when people reading my poetry, actually.

 

EUGENE

      That’s too bad. I’d like to read it sometime.

 

SHAUNA

No really it’s O.K.

 

(trying to change the subject)

 

This place is only $450 a month.

 

EUGENE

      Oh, great. I’ll take it.

 

SHAUNA

I’ve got the lease right here.

 

(shuffling through her papers, finally producing the correct document)

 

Sign this, deposit - what? - oh, $50 and you can start moving in as soon as you get everything you need.

 

EUGENE

This is everything I own, now.

 

(drops his stuff on the table, signs lease, and pays SHAUNA)

 

What’s your name?

 

SHAUNA

Me? I’m Shauna.  Shauna Renaltro.

 

EUGENE

Hi. My name’s Eugene Simon. Uh . . . (very nervous) Since you’re the only person I know in this neighborhood. I was, you know, wondering if you would like to have some dinner with me tomorrow night? Assuming you’re single.

 

SHAUNA

Yes. Yes, quite. Well, um. Yeah, yes. I’m single that is, but tomorrow night I’m eating with my sister. So . . . s how about Thursday?

 

EUGENE

      I’ll be working Thursday evening.

 

SHAUNA

      Oh? Where do you work?

 

EUGENE

I’m a violinist for the local symphony. Second violin.

 

SHAUNA

Really? I love hearing you guys. Last season when you did Rossastrani’s Overture, I wept.

 

EUGENE

      That’s great. So, how’s Friday then?

 

SHAUNA

Yes. Friday’s good. I like Fridays.

 

EUGENE

      I’ll pick you up around seven.

 

SHAUNA

Perfect. Seven’s good . . . Great. That’ll be perfect. You know where I live then?

 

EUGENE

      Yes, I remember. I was just there.

 

SHAUNA

I’ll see you Friday at seven, then.

 

EUGENE

Friday at seven.

 

SCENE 8 - Dissolve to the same shot (as we left off with) of the intr. Of EUGENE’s apartment. It is now well kept but still quite small. EUGENE is sitting in a chair. He is playing the violin. He’s playing long notes that don’t change. You can sort of hear him counting under his breath to keep from losing his count within these interminable notes. We circle around EUGENE

to see the sheet music from which he is playing. It reads “Symphony #13. 2nd mov.” Underneath are scores and scores of whole notes being held together. At the very beginning of the piece are 36 bars of rests. He plays for a while (long enough for us to get the joke that he isn’t really playing anything - yet not so long that we all get bored.) And then the phone rings. He sets down the violin and answers the phone.

 

EUGENE

Hello . . . Oh hi mom . . . Oh I’m doing fine . . . What? . . . no, I haven’t seen her in a while . . . I heard she’s moved in the someone else . . . I’m not bitter, mom . . . I know, I know, you told me it never work out . . . No I haven't met anybody yet, geez . . . So how are you? . . . That’s good to hear . . . I, I hope those sea otter really appreciate that . . . Oh nothing mom . . . So how’s Patience? I haven’t heard from him since he ran off and joined that nudist colony in Florida . . . What? He’s - he’s dead . . . Oh that’s terrible . . . How did it happen . . . That’s a terrible way to die . . . especially if you’re naked . . . Huh? . . . Oh sure, I’ll come out for the funeral . . . Yeah, I’ll see you there . . . Oh, I don’t think it would be a good idea to bring your camera . . . Why? Well some people don’t like it when you take pictures at funerals . . . Who? I don’t like it when you take pictures at funerals . . .Yes, I know the whole family’ll be there . . . O.K. bring it I don’t care . . . Yeah bye, mom . . . Love you . . . Bye.

 

Dials another number.

 

EUGENE

Yes hello, Shauna? . . . No my apartment’s fine . . . No, no everything’s great, I love it . . . Yes, well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about . . . I won’t be able to make it . . . No I Haven’t changed my mind . . . I still like you fine, Shauna . . . It’s just that my brother died . . . what? no I’m O.K. . . . Well, he wasn’t actually my brother . . . He was my half brother . . . But the wake is going to be held in Florida, so I’m afraid that I’ll have to cancel our da - dinner tonight . . . well, I should be back in town by Sunday. Why don’t we try again then? . . . How about Tuesday? . . . No I’m meeting with my ex-wife and her lawyer that night . . . Yeah, were going to get it all finalized . . . Heh - heh, right. Free at last, free at last . . . . Yeah Monday will be fine . . . at seven then? . . . O.K. I’ll see you then . . . thanks for understanding . . . bye.

 

SCENE 9 - Intr. of the same coffee shop from the beginning. EUGENE and KYLE are talking. They are wearing different outfits, as it is another day.

 

EUGENE

      Thanks for coming by on such short notice.

 

KYLE

      No problem. What’s up?

 

EUGENE

      I was wondering if you could water my plants for me while I’m gone.

 

KYLE

      Sure. You would do the same for me.

 

EUGENE

      If you ever told me when you were leaving.

 

KYLE

Hey, look. I don’t have any plants. What do I need you to do? Water the carpet? Where you going to anyway?

 

EUGENE

Florida.

 

KYLE

      Ooh, so you decided to take my advice.

 

EUGENE

      What?

 

KYLE

      Lot of nice looking chicks there . . . in bikinis too.

 

EUGENE

      No. That’s not it at all.

 

KYLE

      Why else would anyone go to Florida?

 

EUGENE

My brother - well, half brother actually. He just died and I’m going to his funeral.

 

KYLE

      Still, you should have some time after that. You never know.

 

EUGENE

Look. I’m not going to pick up on any chicks at my own brother’s funeral. Besides he’s going to be buried at his nudist colony . . .

 

KYLE

Those are the best. It’s a lot easier to get nudist than a nun to take her clothes off.

 

EUGENE

You’ve got a sick mind, Kyle. Oh, would you mind telling the guys why I won’t be in for practice on Thursday.

 

KYLE

      No problem. (pause) I heard you didn’t make first violin again.

 

EUGENE

      Yeah.

 

KYLE

You never told Teresa about all those times you auditioned, did you?

 

EUGENE

Uh . . . No. She thought I was a much better musician than I really am. I didn’t want to disappoint her.

 

KYLE

      I think you did anyway.

 

EUGENE

You know, I’ve auditioned for that guy like seventeen times now. I swear that Donald just has it in for me. I don’t know what I did . . .

 

KYLE

Eugene, listen, listen: Don Karlin doesn’t hate you.

 

EUGENE

I didn’t mind before. He hasn’t tried to kill me . . . yet. I made enough to live. Teresa and I were happy . . . I thought. But now I’ve got alimony payments to worry about. And if I don’t get a lawyer soon, I’m not going to have anything left. Teresa’s lawyer, Mrs. Clairy, already got a ridiculous amount of my stuff. I just can’t afford this. In fact, you wouldn’t happen to . . .

 

KYLE

      What? No, uh , sorry. I left my wallet at home again.

 

EUGENE

(sighing)

That’s O.K. this one’s on me.

 

(sips coffee)

 

I still can’t figure out what I did to make Donald so mad at me, though.

 

KYLE

You’re just paranoid. I’m sure that if you give it one more shot he’ll let you in the first violins.

 

EUGENE

      Sure.

 

SCENE 10 - Intr. of an airplane. Med shot of EUGENE is seated next to some unknown character. He is short fat dark haired going bald and wearing a cheap blue suit and tie. We can seem them both equally well. EUGENE is sitting next to the window. The other man is sitting to EUGENE’s left on the aisle seat.

 

EUGENE

Yeah, my half brother, Patience, was a lot more like my mother than I was. He was five years younger than me. Son of a Encyclopedia Salesman who came to our house once. I don’t think he was even the faintest idea what happened. If he did he certainly wouldn’t have let her name his son Patience. I always felt sorry for Patience. He constantly trying to rebel against mom, yet no matter how weird he acted, she always accepted him. Most of the time, in fact, she supported him. That drove Patience nuts. I guess the last thing he could think of to try and offend our mother was joining the nudist colony. And even then she came out and visited them every two weeks . . . in the nude, even. Yeach.

 

MAN SITTING NEXT TO HIM

You know my mother was the same way. No matter what you did, if she gave birth to you she loved you. But I don’t know maybe it’s just something that all parents do. Do you think it is a given or a learned parental thing? I mean does it have to be genetic, or can someone feels the same way about an adopted child?

 

EUGENE

Don’t ask me. I don’t know anything about parenting. True, I’ve had parents but . . . but I’ve never really been one.

 

MAN SITTING NEXT TO HIM

I’ve never been one either, but child rearing was always in my blood. My parents had children. My parents’ parents had children. Even my Great grandparents all had children. Coincidence? I think not. Of course I haven’t met the perfect woman yet, but that never stopped me. I’m racking up a lot of frequent flyer miles down at the sperm bank if you know what I mean. (jabs him with his elbow and chortles) It’s a crazy, crazy business, but hey, I feel I’ve done my part. Of course I’d like to actually raise one of my children, you know do the fathering thing, but I don’t know. I haven’t met the “mother of my children” type, yet.

 

EUGENE

      Do you think you’ll ever meet that certain special someone?

 

MAN SITTING NEXT TO HIM

Oh, maybe someday . . .

 

A stewardess comes walking down the aisle pushing a drink cart. She is tall, gangly, awkward in her uniform, redheaded, and with a whiny New York accent. Her lipstick is a grotesquely too bright shade of pink.

 

STEWARDESS

      Would you like anything, sir?

 

MAN SITTING NEXT TO HIM

      Yes I’ll have a . . .

 

The two stare at each other for a while and then passionately and madly begin to kiss and grope each other. “Love Theme from The Death of . . .” EUGENE

pulls out a in-flight magazine trying his best ignore them as we fade-out.

 

SCENE 11 - Med. shot of a plane-landing, day. Cut to Intr. of Airport. EUGENE

is getting off the plane. Waiting for him near the ticket booth is his mother, LYNDA. She is somewhere in her 50’s Her hair is gray and she has a couple of wrinkles. She does have a camera around her neck. The two see each other and embrace.

 

EUGENE

Long time, no see. How was your trip?

 

LYNDA

      I still don’t see why you couldn’t have taken the train instead.

 

EUGENE

      I thought I told you, mom. That would take an extra six hours.

 

LYNDA

      The train is more environmentally sound.

 

EUGENE

(sighing)

      I know.

 

SCENE 12 – EUGENE and LYNDA are walking down the concourse. EUGENE is carrying a lot of baggage while LYNDA seems unencumbered.

 

LYNDA

You know me, I’m always broke. Enough to live that’s all I ever needed. But you . . . If you need some money I don’t see why you don’t ask your boss for a promotion.

 

EUGENE

I’m a violinist. You don’t just ask for a promotion. You have to audition to get into the first violins, and then they start paying you more.

 

LYNDA

      Then why don’t you audition?

 

EUGENE

      I did, but that stupid Don Karlin won’t give me a break.

 

LYNDA

Then why don’t you talk to this Don fellow face to face? Explain that you need the money to afford your alimony.

 

EUGENE

You don’t just talk to Donald Karlin face to face. Not unless you’re standing on a chair or something. Besides I know that guy won’t listen to me. I think he hates me.

 

LYNDA

You’re crazy Eugene. Nobody hates you.

 

(kisses him on the cheek and then pulls out a black armband and hands it to EUGENE)

 

Oh, you might need this.

 

EUGENE

      What for?

 

SCENE 13 - Wide angle of a cemetery. As we zoom in slowly we see a group of people gathered at a wake. There are about three rows of them sitting down facing the casket and behind that the pastor. As we get closer we see that everyone there is naked (this includes LYNDA). Everyone that is except EUGENE, who is wearing traditional, all-black, funeral clothes. Except they are not completely nude. On their arms are black armbands. As we get closer still we begin to hear what the pastor is saying. Aside from his clerical collar, he is naked too. Luckily the casket is positioned in such a way that you can’t see “anything” In fact in the following scenes, you never see “anything” except bare backs, shoulders, arms, and heads.

 

PASTOR

. . . who realized early on who clothes inhibited the natural man. Hampering the releasing of our natural energies. And Patience who naked from the moment he found this truth, till right now, as he lays naked . . . but dead in this coffin. (pause) But Patience Simon was more than just a man with no clothes on. He was a kind man, a gentle man, a - dare I say it? - patient man . . . with no clothes on.

 

SCENE 14 - A buffet table. It is just after the funeral services and everyone (except EUGENE) is still naked. LYNDA is snapping photos.

 

EUGENE

      Mother! Knock it off.

 

LYNDA

You said I could bring my camera.

 

EUGENE

      I was being satirical.

 

LYNDA

There is nothing wrong with death. It is just another biological function. I can take pictures of my friends if I want.

 

EUGENE

      I don't think they're exactly dressed for the occasion.

 

LYNDA

Oh . . . now I remember why you don't like me taking pictures at funerals. You're still upset about Uncle Charlie.

 

EUGENE

      You shouldn't take pictures of people when they're in their coffins.

 

LYNDA

It was my last chance to get a picture of my brother.

 

EUGENE

You stuck toothpicks in his mouth so that he'd look like he was smiling!

 

LYNDA

Now that's not true. The stupid mortician wouldn't let me. I thought I showed you the family album. He's scowling in all of those pictures.

 

(pause while EUGENE eats something from the buffet table.)

 

EUGENE

      At least you didn't take any pictures of Patience.

 

LYNDA

      Well, actually . . .

 

EUGENE

      What?!? You took pictures of 21-year-old dead man . . . in the nude!

 

LYNDA

      He was my son.

 

EUGENE

      That's dis- Mom, promise me you won't be at my funeral.

 

LYNDA

      Now Eugene, you know I wouldn't miss your wake for the world.

 

LYNDA pats his cheek and then wanders off snapping pictures. EUGENE is alone at the buffet table. He grabs a carrot and starts munching. He looks out into a part of the cemetery that is deserted. There, next to a large shade tree he (and we) see, The GRIM REAPER, scythe, skull-head, black cape, everything . . . for only a second. We cut right back to the shot of EUGENE’s face. He blinks a couple of times, astounded, as if to verify what he saw. Then we cut back to the shot of the tree, but the REAPER has vanished.

 

SCENE 15 - Med shot of the extr. of the “Florida Hotel.” It is night. The moon is out and crickets are chirping. Cut to Intr. of Florida Hotel room. Close up on EUGENE's head against the pillow. He is sleeping. Using the typical dissolve, we enter EUGENE's dreams.

 

SCENE 16 - All from EUGENE’s P.O.V. We see the satin lined intr. of a coffin. EUGENE’s hand reaches out and opens it. From where he is laying we can see a podium and straight up whoever’s speaking’s nose. The first man to talk is the same pastor at Patience’s funeral, only this time, he’s clothed.

 

PASTOR  

Eugene Simon was a man. Not much of a man, but he was still a man. He had very few friends and so we have decided to let each one share a few thoughts about Eugene.

 

The PASTOR leaves and KYLE takes his place at the podium

 

KYLE

I’m . . . I’m going to miss you Eugene. You were a great . . . well very good person. Not too big on the social score. A pretty mediocre musician, but still . . . If someone didn’t have any money or they forgot to bring their wallet or they just didn’t want to break a twenty, you always picked up the tab. Even if I was making twice as much as you, you still felt obligated to pay for our meal. They say there is no such thing as a free lunch . . . and now that Eugene’s dead I guess they’re right. I’ll miss you, big guy.

 

KYLE leaves and TERESA comes up.

 

TERESA

Eugene Simon was a nice man. He was very . . . nice. He squeezed his toothpaste from the middle, still he was . . . nice. When people ask me - if anyone did ask me - what I remember most about Gene, I would have to say . . . I don’t remember. Yet he was so . . . nice to me. What more can I say? Even though I had to leave him, I don’t regret the year and a half that . . . well maybe I do regret some of it . . . but I don’t regret leaving Eugene. You were the be- one of the be- a true friend.

 

TERESA is helped off by some strange man. The last speaker is LYNDA

 

LYNDA

He was my son, what can I say? He never accomplished much. He always strived for mediocrity. Never made a political statement. Never tired to write the Great American novel. Never went bungee jumping. He wanted to be like all the others. I asked him “Why don’t you want more?” “Why don’t you want to be better than the others?” He was convinced that he couldn’t be any better than the rest. Maybe he was right. Maybe not all men are destined for greatness. And as such he filled what destiny he had. When my other son, Patience, died it was tragedy because there was so much more he could’ve done.  Eugene’s death is just not as great a loss, because . . . there was nothing more for him to do here on earth.

 

Then LYNDA grabs her camera. She leans in really close to the (movie) camera and starts snapping pictures.  EUGENE screams “NO!” In the middle of this scream we cut to

 

SCENE 17 - Intr. of Florida Hotel room. EUGENE is still screaming. He is all sweaty and sitting up in bed.

 

SCENE 18 - Intr. of Airplane. Same shot as last time, only in the short, fat, balding, guy’s place is a young heavy metal teenage boy listening to a Walkman and banging his head in time with the music. He obviously can’t hear, but EUGENE feels like talking to him without looking at him. Instead he’s staring out the window.

 

EUGENE

That dream really shook me up. I didn’t get any sleep that night. I guess it really shouldn’t have surprised me though. I had been thing about my death a lot recently. First there was the death of my younger brother, which really scared me. If he was old enough to go, so was and I. And then there was the title to this whole movie, “The Death Of Eugene Simon” That’s not very optimistic if you know what I mean. (sighs) I’m sure glad this guy can’t hear what I’m saying.

 

TEEN SITTING NEXT TO HIM

(pulling one earphone out of his ear to hear what’s going on)

      What?

 

SCENE 19 - Intr. of a large concert hall. Obviously and orchestra practice is going on (by the tuning up noises) EUGENE’s profile fills half of the screen. In the other half, slightly out of focus, we can see TERESA and KYLE talking, the two of them kiss and then walk off together. EUGENE doesn’t notice them. He swallows hard and moves on. He taps on the shoulder of DONALD. He is bigger, stronger, smarter, taller, all around just better than EUGENE. He is not however nicer.

 

EUGENE

      Um . . . Donald . . . Mr. Karlin . . . sir?

 

DONALD

      Yeah. What did you want?

 

EUGENE

I was wondering if I could you know maybe try out for the first violins again.

 

DONALD

      Why?

 

EUGENE

Well, my wife and I are splitting up and I could use the extra money right now.

 

DONALD

      Do I have to sit through this again? I’m getting sick of you Gene!

 

EUGENE

No . . . no really sir I’m getting much better now and you know I think you’ll really like me this time.

 

DONALD

      I’m busy after practice today.

 

EUGENE

      Please.

 

DONALD

      Stop by my apartment at 7:00. O.K.?

 

EUGENE

      Uh, well, gee, I was kind of planning on . . .

 

DONALD

(sterner, interrupting)

      Seven o’clock! O.K.?

 

EUGENE

      I’ll be there.

 

SCENE 20 - Hallway in the same auditorium. EUGENE is speaking on a pay phone.

 

EUGENE

Hello, Shauna? . . . This is Eugene again . . . No, don’t say that . . . . I’m not canceling again . . . yes, I like my apartment . . . No don’t raise the rent . . . I’m not standing you up again, I’m just postponing it an hour . . . . Look, It’s just one hour. I promise to take you to the greatest restaurant ever . . . uh, Edwardo’s . . . How about something Chinese . . . Sure . . . Sounds like fun . . . O.K. . . . I’ll see you at eight then. Thanks again . . . see you . . . bye.

 

SCENE 21 - Apartment Hallway. We see EUGENE’s wrist in a close-up. His watch says 6:59 p.m. We follow his hand as it moves to ring the doorbell. Now we see a shot of EUGENE’s back. He is keeping his other hand back there. In this hand he is holding a bouquet of flowers. The door opens. There is a beautiful young woman there in an elegant dress.

 

WOMAN

Oh, Michael!

 

As we pull back, we see that the owner of the hands and flowers is not EUGENE at all, but someone else entirely.  EUGENE is actually four doors down the hallway watching them. He has his violin (in a case) with him. He then knocks on the door in front of him.

 

EUGENE

(timidly)

      Hello. Donald? Is anybody there? Hello?

 

EUGENE opens the door and enters the apartment. It is completely dark and we can see no one there. Just as he flicks on the light we see DONALD towering over him with a meat cleaver. Luckily EUGENE happened to have his violin case raised at just the right time. The cleaver become embedded in the violin. EUGENE is knocked into a corner.

 

EUGENE

      What are you doing?

 

DONALD

      What does it look like I’m doing? I’m trying to kill you!

 

EUGENE

      What? But why?

 

DONALD by now has given up on trying to rescue his cleaver and has now got a baseball bat.

DONALD

(smashing his bat down barely missing EUGENE and thoroughly destroying a near-by table and vase)

Because I hate you! I’ve always hated you and I always will! You are the most hideous vile scumbag and the face of the earth!!

 

EUGENE runs out of the apartment and slams the door behind him.

 

EUGENE

      Glad to know I wasn’t just making this up.

 

EUGENE runs through the hallway and down the stairs. DONALD (with bat) emerges in time to see him flee. He chases after, but instead of going down the stairs, pushes the elevator button and waits. Cut to shot of EUGENE running down the stairs. Back to DONALD still waiting for the elevator. Shot of EUGENE finishing his descent down the stairs and running out of the building. DONALD is still waiting.  EUGENE runs down the street a bit, turns around and notices that no one is following him. DONALD’s elevator arrives and he gets in.  EUGENE is leaning against a building panting and trying to catch his breath. DONALD emerges from the elevator and goes outside the building too. There he sees EUGENE resting. The chase is on again. We alternate between the two of them running down the street. Finally EUGENE pulls into a clichéd dark, dead end alley. There are group of five gang-banger street punks await for him. They are all carrying blunt weapons of some kind (no knives or guns please)

 

GANG LEADER

      Hey, there mister. Lost?

 

EUGENE

Look. I don’t have time for this right now. Just . . . just give me your address and I’ll mail you my wallet later.

 

GANG LEADER

      I’m afraid it’s not going to be that simple, man.

 

EUGENE

      You don’t understand. Somebody’s trying to kill me!

 

GANG LEADER

      Yeah.  Us.

 

EUGENE

      Listen. I’ll give you guys $20 each if you go mug that guy instead.

 

Finally DONALD arrives on the SCENE.

 

DONALD

      What’s going on here?

 

EUGENE

      These guys are trying to rob me.

 

DONALD

(to the gang)

      Hey! I’ll give you guys $100 and you won’t see nothing, right?

 

GANG LEADER

      Yeah, well . . . what if we get to him first?

 

EUGENE

(pleading)

One of you has got to save me from the other . . . please.

 

As they begin to close in on him, EUGENE sees, in the background, at the entrance to the alley, The REAPER.

 

EUGENE

(calling to the REAPER)

      Help! Hey! You with the scythe! Help Me!!

 

The REAPER is no longer there. The Attackers with their weapons raised form a knot so tight that we can no longer see EUGENE. We Fade-Out to black

 

SCENE 22 - Intr. of a hospital room.  EUGENE is in bed. He has a black eye and one leg in a cast. A DOCTOR is with him.

 

DOCTOR

      You were very lucky that you weren’t hurt any more, Mr. Simon.

 

EUGENE

I’m . . . I’m very good at faking my own death, Doc. I read somewhere that they’ll stop beating you if they think you’re dead.

 

DOCTOR

      That’s good for you. You could’ve very easily died for real last night.

 

EUGENE

      Thanks. You just brightened my day.

 

DOCTOR

      Don’t worry you’ll be out of here in a couple of days.

 

EUGENE

(sarcastically)

      Sure.

 

The DOCTOR leaves and KYLE enters.

 

KYLE

      Geez. You look pretty beat up there.

 

EUGENE

      Yes, but it’s what on the inside that counts right?

 

KYLE

      I don’t know, man. You look pretty sick from out here.

 

EUGENE

Well, I feel pretty sick from in here too, Kyle.

 

KYLE yawns.

 

EUGENE

      And you look pretty tired. Didn’t you get any sleep last night?

 

KYLE

Well, I was . . . “busy” last night. (Confidentially) Trust me, Gene I’ve never had a woman as good as this one.

 

EUGENE

      Oh? What’s her name?

 

KYLE

It’s Terrrrrrr

 

(realizing that he had better not say it)

 

. . . I forgot.

 

EUGENE

Classy, Kyle, very classy. You sleep with the greatest woman in your life and then you don’t even remember her name.

 

KYLE

      Well, uh . . . so when are you getting out of here?

 

EUGENE

      A week or so.

 

KYLE

      Well, don’t try to call me till Thursday. I’ll be in Bermuda.

 

EUGENE

      Oh, great. Leave me in my hour of need.

 

KYLE

Listen there’s not much I can do for you until you’re well enough to start to, you know

 

EUGENE

For the last time, I don’t need you to recommend any of your girls for me.

 

KYLE

O.K. O.K. Oh, by the way, I heard they caught those guys who beat you up last night.

 

EUGENE

      Well, it shouldn’t have been hard to find Don Karlin’s house!

 

KYLE

      Donald Kar- what does he have to do with this?

 

EUGENE

      He helped them beat me up! Really.

 

KYLE

I don’t know what they’ve got you on, Gene, but I think you should cut the dosage.

 

SHAUNA walks into the room.

 

SHAUNA

      I just heard what happened to you. I was so worried last night.

 

KYLE

      Who is this?

 

EUGENE

Kyle, this is my landlady, Shauna Renaltro.  Shauna, this is my friend, Kyle Johnson.

 

KYLE

 (slyly, nudging EUGENE)

      Why didn’t you tell me about her?

 

EUGENE

      What’s there to tell? I mean we’re just, well, uh . . .

 

SHAUNA

      I’m sorry for all those things I said about you last night.

 

EUGENE

      Things? What things?

 

SHAUNA

Well, when 8:30 rolled around and you still weren’t there. I said some pretty nasty things about you. That’s when the hospital called me . . . I was so worried. I forgot all about you missing our date.

 

KYLE

      Date?

 

EUGENE

      Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I wanted to be there but I was . . . busy.

 

SHAUNA

Getting beat up.

 

KYLE

      You didn’t tell me about any date?

 

EUGENE

      I knew you’d make too big a thing out of this.

 

KYLE

      What? Your first date in two years?

 

SHAUNA

      I think that is a wonderful thing to celebrate.

 

EUGENE

      It’s only been 19 months.

 

SHAUNA

      Still, that’s kind of special.

 

EUGENE

You know, you’re right. I tell you what, Shauna, as soon as I am out of here let’s go out to The Imperial Garden and celebrate.

 

KYLE

      Sounds like fun, you two.

 

EUGENE

      Hey, why don’t you bring your nameless date and come along with us,       Kyle?

 

KYLE

      I, uh, don’t think she, uh, likes Chinese food, Gene.

 

EUGENE

      Ah, c’mon. We’ll have a great time.

 

KYLE

      I don’t know . . .

 

SCENE 23 - Intr. of The Imperial Garden, A small, nice, classy, Chinese restaurant. Sitting around a table is EUGENE, KYLE, SHAUNA, and TERESA. The atmosphere is strained and tense to say the least. TERESA is not eating her food; she’s just staring at it with disgust. The others are eating heartily.

 

EUGENE

      You look well, Teresa.

 

TERESA

      Thank you.

 

KYLE

      She’s been working out a gym.

 

EUGENE

      I know.

 

Awkward pause

 

SHAUNA

      So, Kyle, Eugene here tells me you’re a percussionist.

 

KYLE

      Yes.

 

SHAUNA

      I bet that’s a lot of fun.

 

KYLE

      Well it beats accounting.

 

SHAUNA laughs. The others stare at her. She stops instantly.

 

SHAUNA

      Beats? Percussion? Don’t you get it?

 

KYLE

(confused)

      No.

 

Awkward pause.

 

EUGENE

      This is really great food.

 

SHAUNA

      I love Chinese food.

 

KYLE

      Mmm, yeah. This is a really good restaurant.

 

TERESA

      I hate Chinese food.

 

KYLE

      Well, for a Chinese restaurant, this is pretty good.

 

TERESA

      Not really.

 

KYLE

       It’sssss . . . very clean though.

 

TERESA

      Yeah, it’s clean.

 

SHAUNA

      Well, this is my favorite restaurant of all time.

 

EUGENE

      I think it’s a wonderful place. Thanks for suggesting it.

 

Awkward pause.

TERESA

(standing up)

      I’ve got to go to the restroom. Will you guys excuse me?

 

KYLE

Sure dear. We’ll be waiting for you.

 

TERESA leaves.

 

EUGENE

(to SHAUNA)

      Do you need to go too?

 

SHAUNA

(puzzled)

      No.

 

EUGENE

      I thought that all women had to go to the bathroom in packs.

 

SHAUNA

No, that’s just a stupid myth concocted by mindless sit-com writers and believed by pigheaded chauvinists.

 

EUGENE

      That’s what I thought too. I was just making sure.

 

Awkward pause.

 

EUGENE

(angrily to KYLE)

      How could you be dating my wife?

 

KYLE

      You’ve been separated for two weeks.

 

SHAUNA

(quickly)

      I’ve got to go to the powder room, Gene.

 

SHAUNA leaves.

 

EUGENE

We don’t sign the papers until tomorrow. She’s still technically my wife.

 

KYLE

      Well, you’re dating someone else, too. Why can’t she?

 

EUGENE

      That’s different.

 

KYLE

      Why?

 

EUGENE

Just because . . . I said so. I don’t know. You didn’t tell me that you were sleeping with Teresa!

 

KYLE

      I knew you were going to get upset.

 

EUGENE

      Upset?!? She told me that she was frigid.

 

KYLE

      It isn’t my fault that she was lying to you.

 

EUGENE

      And . . . and you’ve moved in with her? Into my house?

 

KYLE

      No. That’s the other guy, Tom.

 

EUGENE

      There’s another guy?

 

KYLE

      Yeah. You know the guy she met down at the gym.

 

EUGENE

      How many guys was she seeing while we were married?

 

KYLE

C’mon Gene, You know me better than that. I didn’t start dating her until I heard about your separation. As far as Tom goes, I’m . . . pretty sure she didn’t know who he was until that one day at the gym.

 

SHAUNA rather shyly returns to the table.

 

SHAUNA

      Uh, Kyle. Your date just left with some guy she met at the bar.

 

KYLE

Damn! That’s the second time she’s done that to me this week.

 

(leaving hurriedly)

 

Teresa!  Teresa, come back here!

 

SHAUNA and EUGENE sit and look at each other with a “Now What Do We Do” look. Fade-out.

 

SCENE 24 - Intr. of EUGENE’s apartment. He is sleeping in the uncomfortable cot that he uses for his bed. Using the same dissolve as last time we enter EUGENE’s dreams . . .

 

SCENE 25 - A field in the middle of the day. The sun is shining and there are flowers on the hills. Shot of EUGENE

. He is quite a bit more athletic and tanned looking than in real life. He is wearing a white button down type shirt with puffy sleeves and ruffled cuffs. All the buttons are undone, save for the bottom one, exposing his chest. The other shot is of SHAUNA. She is wearing a white, Victorian dress and a large sunbonnet. Her hair is much longer now and is blowing gently in the breeze. She rips off her glasses in a clichéd movie way that indicates “Now I Am Beautiful, All You Guys Who Scorned Me Are Now Jealous” In the same cheesy, Hollywood way, we alternate between shots of EUGENE and SHAUNA running towards each other in slow motion, with muzak strings playing in the background. SHAUNA’s hat flies off. Then when they are both finally in the same frame (about 1 foot from each other) EUGENE gets machine gunned very thoroughly (splattering blood on SHAUNA), and dies. The slo-mo stops, but the “Love Theme from The Death . . .” plays on through the rest of the SCENE.

 

SHAUNA

      Huh? What happened?

 

We now see TERESA who is wearing a sleek, villainous, black, tight dress and is holding a rather large smoking machine gun.

 

TERESA

      What do you think happened? I just killed Eugene.

 

SHAUNA

      But why?

 

TERESA

      I hate all this mushy romance kind of stuff.

 

SHAUNA

      But I hardly got to know the guy and now he’s dead.

 

TERESA

      Then I saved you just in time.

 

SHAUNA

Wellllll . . . I guess you’re right. He did seem like kind of a dork. I don’t know. I guess I should thank you.

 

SCENE 26 - Intr. of EUGENE’s apartment, night. EUGENE suddenly wakes up.

 

SCENE 27 - Intr. of the same coffee shop that we opened in. This time EUGENE and SHAUNA are having breakfast.  EUGENE is handing a stack of papers back to SHAUNA.

 

EUGENE

      These are . . . are really lovely.

 

SHAUNA

      Do you really think so?

 

EUGENE

      Yes they’re lovely.

 

SHAUNA

(embarrassed but thrilled out of her mind)

      Which one do you like best?

 

EUGENE

      Oh . . . I don’t know. They were all so good.

 

SHAUNA

      Are you saying that they’re all the same?

 

EUGENE

What? Oh no no. Each one is unique and different. I liked some better than the others.

 

SHAUNA

      Which ones didn’t you like?

 

EUGENE

I . . . uh . . . well, I liked all of them. It’s just that some are more . . . well bet . . . no they we’re all different each in their own special and unique way.

 

SHAUNA

      Oh really. Which one was your favorite?

 

EUGENE

The . . . uh . . . the . . . that - that one . . . where you compare love to a rose.

 

SHAUNA

Yeah, that’s one of my favorites, too. I bet no one’s ever compared love with a flower before. It just fits so beautifully.

 

EUGENE

Yeah, how sweet it smells and yet how painful the thorns are it’s almost tragic. One thing you forgot to mention was that both roses and love are darned expensive too.

 

SHAUNA

You’re the first person I’ve ever let read my poetry. I’ve always dreamed that one day, millions of people would be reading it, but I was always too afraid.

 

EUGENE

      You shouldn’t be afraid to share your gifts.

 

SHAUNA

Are you saying that my poems are a gift? You mean you really really like them?

 

EUGENE

No! They’re inane pointless and repetitive. The symbolism is clichéd, the metaphors are over-used and your subject matter has been beaten down into the ground with a large anvil. Your “poetry” has the gastronomical effects of consuming 300 antacid tablet and a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. Your poems are so bad even Hallmark wouldn’t publish you.

 

SHAUNA

(somehow not hearing a word he just said)

      What? I didn’t hear you.

 

EUGENE

I just said that your poems made me weep. You have to get them published.

 

SHAUNA

Oh, thank you thank you. No one has ever supported me like this before.

 

The two of them hug over the table.

 

SCENE 28 - Intr. of a sports arena. EUGENE and SHAUNA are watching a basketball game. He has lots of paraphernalia with him; she is just sipping on a soda and eating a hot dog.

 

EUGENE

No, no, no. See, the blue guys are now trying to put the ball into the other basket.

 

SHAUNA

Oh I see. I thought they were just confused or something. That happened at the other basketball game I saw.

 

EUGENE

      Those were the Harlem Globetrotters. They were supposed to do that.

 

SHAUNA

      I don’t know. The green guys got pretty mad.

 

EUGENE

      That was . . . entertainment, this is professional basketball.

 

SHAUNA

You mean this isn’t supposed to be entertaining. It’s doing a good job then.

 

EUGENE

No this is . . . technically a form of entertainment, too. But there’s so much more to it than just enjoying it. There’s much more to it than that. You’ve got to get a feel for the game, keep track of a team statistics, study the scores of previous games, and start to know some of the players.

 

SHAUNA

You actually know some of the players. Do you know the guy who does those shoe commercials? I think he’s in basketball.

 

EUGENE

I don’t mean I know the players personally. I know their statistics. I know how well they can play and what they’re going to do.

 

SHAUNA

      If you know what they’re going to do, why do you watch the game?

 

EUGENE

      Because it’s entertaining.

 

SHAUNA

I just don’t get it. The other game I went to was very entertaining, but this one is just . . . blah.

 

EUGENE

      You were only twelve years old at the last game you went to.

 

SHAUNA

I think they should have let they guy who was balancing all those balls keep on going.

 

EUGENE

      But the time-out was over, the game needed to get started again.

 

SHAUNA

I don’t know why those guys couldn’t have waited. They make enough money. He was only three balls short of breaking a world record.

 

EUGENE


       He was just the entertainment. He’s not why we came here.

 

SHAUNA

I thought we did come here for entertainment.

 

EUGENE sighs.

 

SCENE 29 - Intr. of a small dark musty coffee shop (nothing like the “stop on in for breakfast” one at the beginning) There are flyers posted erratically all over the walls and there are no windows. Everywhere there are large, icon-like, black and white posters of James Dean. There is a raised stage with a single microphone and a spotlight on it. EUGENE and SHAUNA are sitting at a table in the back.  SHAUNA is nervously clutching a sheet of paper. She is dressed completely inappropriately for her surrounds. She is wearing her good Sunday dress, which is a flower-patterned sundress in white, pink, and yellow. EUGENE is sipping on a cola in a glass with a straw. The MANAGER a small portly man walks on stage and adjusts the microphone to his height. The audience is small and quiet, but very appreciative.

 

MANAGER

Welcome all you poetry-lovers to The Filthy Hole-in-the-Wall’s Thursday Open Mike Poetry Night.

 

(mild applause)

 

We have quite a line-up for you this evening. Including many familiar faces and a couple of new ones too. But before the festivities begin I’d like to tell everybody about our two-for-one coffee nights on Sundays from 11:30 till 4:00. It’s the best damn coffee in the business, and it’s only served here at The Filthy Hole-in-the-Wall where James Dean himself, or somebody who looked a lot like him ordered a cheeseburger and even took a leak at what is now the Jimmy Dean Urinal Shrine just 28 years, 7 months, and three days ago from today.

 

(Loudest applause yet)

 

Now to open up tonight’s readings is local favorite . . . Johnny Tuteldge.

 

(mild applause)

 

On stage wanders JOHNNY. He is a funky weird guy with all-black clothing, a beret, and a goatee. His movements are very fluid and loose like he has had too many drugs in his collective lifetime. During the reading of his poem his voice’s emotions jumps around sporadically as if trying to convey some feeling that really isn’t there. He also gestures to fit the words.

 

JOHNNY

O.K. Cats, this one is called “Bearded Nuns In Bondage” and it’s dedicated to all you cats out there who actually exist on this plane of reality. I feel sorry for you.
      Oh how the wind wind howls like
      a mother learning that she just killed
      her only child. And so the trash of the
      ages grabs hold of my foot.
      The foothills of the Rockies are not Purple
      They are not purple and green infested with
      Froot Loops. My mother doesn’t love you.
      No. No. No. No. No. No. They are lies.
      Lies set upon the foothills of the Northerly Wind.
      Oh how it howls. Howls at the moon.
      Howls at the stars. Howls. Howls.

 

(he actually howls like a wolf here)

 

Mr. and Mrs. Howell.
      The Professor and Mary Ann. I love you.
      Kill me now!!!

 

Mild applause as JOHNNY bows wildly and thanks the crowd as if receiving a standing ovation. The MANAGER comes back on stage.

 

MANAGER

Next up, we have a delightful young lady named Shauna Renaltro. This is her first visit to The Filthy Hole-in-the-Wall, so lets give a big warm welcome to . . . Shauna Renaltro.

 

(no audience response whatsoever)

 

EUGENE

Don’t worry honey, you’ll do fine. You can’t do worse than that last guy anyway.

 

SHAUNA

(slowly finding her way on stage, nervous out of her mind)

Uh . . . hello? The, uh, poem that I’m going to read is “The Rose”
      My Love is like a red, red rose.
      With some care it grows and grows.
      Its perfume fragrance fills the air.
      I’d like to smell it everywhere.
      And though it is a tiny flower.
      I’d like to watch it every hour.
      But when you touch it please be wary.
      The thorns are sharp and very many.
      I know some day my rose will die.
      Just like the love of you and I
      And when it does I’ll cry and cry.
      It’s not too late for good-bye.

 

The Audience goes nuts. They love her poem.

 

SHAUNA sits down and EUGENE hugs her. We pull back and see this other beatnik couple in the foreground.

 

BEATNIK 1

I think that the Rose is actually a symbol for the decline of poetry and its importance into culture today.

 

BEATNIK 2

I liked the way it took an almost William Carlos Williams simplicity and stretched it into a satirical farce of the entire history of modern American poetry.

 

BEATNIK 1

It was quite subtle. One wonders if even the poet herself knows what she is saying.

 

BEATNIK 2

Are you speaking politically or philosophically? Because her call to a matriarchal society was so blatantly obvious it had to be intentional.

 

SCENE 30 - Intr. of the same coffee shop as in the beginning. Once again KYLE walks in and EUGENE and him start talking.

 

EUGENE

      Long time no see.

 

KYLE

Yeah. Look I’m sorry for what happened at the Imperial. I should’ve told you first.

 

EUGENE

Don’t worry about it. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I figure I’d rather have you dating Teresa then some other jerk.

 

KYLE

Actually, the other guy that she was living with, Tom, the guy she met at the health club, was something of a jerk. But they just broke up so I wouldn’t worry about it much.

 

EUGENE

O.K. uh . . . sure. Whatever. I’m not going to worry about it. We’re split up now and so it’s none of my business.

 

KYLE

I hear you’ve been spending a lot of time with your landlady recently, what’s-her-name . . . Shauna.

 

EUGENE

      Yeah.

 

KYLE

So, tell me about her. You like a woman who knows how to do things with her hands?

 

EUGENE

Actually, whenever she has to fix something in the apartments she just hires some guys to take care of it. I think they’re overcharging her a bit, but things rarely break over there for some reason, so . . .

 

KYLE

      That’s not what I meant.

 

EUGENE

      What?

 

(thinks about it a second)

 

That’s disgusting.

 

KYLE

      I know. So, have you done it yet? What’s she like?

 

EUGENE

No, I have not “done it” yet

 

(suddenly embarrassed to admit it)

 

. . . well, not with her at least.

 

KYLE

Sure. Listen buddy, both you and I are guys. We know that there is no such thing as romance, just sex. We say “romance” all the time to get them to go to bed with us, but we know it doesn’t really mean anything.

 

EUGENE

I happen to be a firm believer in romance. Besides what’s all this rush to get into bed?

 

KYLE

The longer you wait, the less you get. You never know when you’re going to die.

 

EUGENE

      Thanks for reminding me.

 

SCENE 31 - Wide shot of EUGENE blissfully walking down the street. He passes by a vendor’s and purchases and apple. He takes a bite of it and then walks on, tossing it in his hand thinking. Suddenly the apple explodes in mid-air. It has been shot. We turn to see DONALD Karlin with one of those silencer-sniper type guns. He is wearing black camouflage (which really makes him stand out in the middle of the city in the middle of the day). He is overly prepared. He has rope and an extra string of bullets tied around his chest. He has on special boots and infrared goggles.  EUGENE soaked with apple juice, stares as DONALD slinks away crouching, badly imitating some sort of ninja.

 

SCENE 32 - Intr. of a police station, day. The policemen are all chatting noisily eating doughnuts and whatnot. It doesn’t seem like a lot of work is being done.  EUGENE bursts in the door.

 

EUGENE

Help! Help!

 

(the police ignore him)

 

Help? Somebody?

 

(no reaction)

 

There’s a man out there trying to kill me!

 

(nothing)

 

Look. He shot my apple!

 

(holds up remains of shattered apple, still nothing happens)

 

Hello? Is anybody here?!?

 

(nothing)

 

Fire! Fire! Quick everybody leave the building! Hurry!

 

(nobody pays any attention to him)

 

I’ve got a bomb and I’m not afraid to use it.

 

(The level of the hubbub doesn’t even flicker)

 

The Doughnut Shop is under attack by aliens!

 

(In a wild frantic stampede all the policemen rush past EUGENE out the door. It is now totally empty and quiet save for EUGENE)

 

What? Wait come back here. Stop. Stop. I was just joking. This guy is trying to kill me and . . . oh never mind.

 

Once again he sees the REAPER.  He is just standing in the middle of all these abandoned desks and file cabinets.  This time he waves amicably to EUGENE.  He shakes his head as if to clear it of something. We look back and once again, the REAPER is gone.  He walks out of the police station disconsolate.

 

SCENE 33 - EUGENE is in his bed sleeping. For the third time we enter EUGENE’s dreams . . .

 

SCENE 34 - Bright white, heavenly place. No trees or buildings or walls, just a thick layer of fog up to about mid-calf level. There is a long line. Everyone is dressed in white robes.  EUGENE files in behind them, dressed in the light blue pajamas he was sleeping in.

 

EUGENE

      What? Where am I?

 

MAN IN FRONT OF HIM IN LINE

Take a wild guess buddy. Pearly gates. White robes. St. Peter in the clouds. Anything coming to you?

 

EUGENE

      D- Do you mean I’m dead?

 

M.I.F.O.H.I.L.

If you’re not, you definitely need to check your road map pal.

 

EUGENE

      I don’t remember how I got here, though.

 

MIFOHIL

      Maybe you should’ve turned left at Chattanooga.

 

EUGENE

      Very funny. This has got to be some kind of joke.

 

We quickly follow the line to its very start at the pearly gates. On top of the Pearly Gates are the motto “In Heaven Everything’s Fine.” There is a man sitting on a stool in front of a white podium with the words “St. Peter, Esq.” printed on it in gold. On top of the podium is an extremely large book. The man is bald with glasses and a long gray beard. He is talking to the first three people in line.

 

ST. PETER

I’m running late so I’ll just ask you each one question.

 

(to the FIRST GUY)

 

Tell me, why do we have Easter?

 

FIRST GUY

      Uh . . . that’s when Jesus was born wasn’t it?

 

ST. PETER

I’m afraid not. I can’t let you in.

 

(the FIRST GUY falls through a trap door. To the SECOND GUY)

 

Do you know why we have Easter?

 

SECOND GUY

Certainly, that’s when Jesus parted the Red Sea for forty days and forty nights.

 

ST. PETER

No. I’m afraid that you’ll have to go too.

 

(he falls screaming through the trap door. To the THIRD GUY)

 

Can you tell me why we have Easter?

 

THIRD GUY

      Easter . . . that’s when Christ was reborn.

 

ST. PETER

      Hallelujah!

 

THIRD GUY

      He was in the grave for three days . . .

 

ST. PETER

      Yes?

 

THIRD GUY

And after three days he comes out, sees his shadow - and that’s why we have six more weeks of winter.

 

With the literal “bu-dung ching” sound of a comedy club rim-shot, we move back to EUGENE. There are already some other people lining up behind him.

 

EUGENE

      This isn’t just a joke; it’s some sort of sick Henny Youngman routine.

 

MIFOHIL

      I know, I know.

 

EUGENE

(looking around him)

I sort of expected more out of heaven than this. What’s with this line? I feel like I’m at the Post Office.

 

MIFOHIL

A friend of mine told me that the best part about Heaven is just the fact that you don’t have to worry about dying any more.

 

EUGENE

      That’s it? You mean this is it? For the rest of Eternity?!?

 

MIFOHIL

I guess so. Now help me study.

 

He pulls out a book that reads “Eternal Salvation For Dummies” Suddenly out of the mists we see DONALD Karlin. He is wearing a red devil’s outfit. He raises up a bow and arrow and then lets one fly. It hits EUGENE, killing him and getting his pajamas bloody.

 

MIFOHIL

(to the corpse of EUGENE)

Well, I guess he was wrong. You still have to worry about dying even after you’re dead.

 

SCENE 35 – EUGENE wakes up one more time. This time he has decided on something.

 

EUGENE

These dreams are getting annoying. I haven’t slept in months. I’ve got to do something about this.

 

SCENE 36 - Intr. of a Psychiatrist’s office, day.  It is very normal looking. Oak Paneling.  Certificates on the wall.  Lots of books.  EUGENE is sitting (not lying) on the couch.  In a large leather, brass-studded armchair is the PSYCHIATRIST.  He is wearing an argyle sweater with a tan sports jacket over it. He is thin, has a goatee, reading glasses, a German accent, and is going bald. He also has a notebook and pencil.

 

PSYCHIATRIST

      So . . . uh, (checks notebook) Mr. Simon is it?

 

EUGENE

      Yes.

 

PSYCHIATRIST

      And this is your . . .

 

EUGENE

      First time.

 

PSYCHIATRIST

      First time.

 

EUGENE

      Yes. Yes it is.

 

EUGENE, very unconsciously, crosses his arms The PSYCHIATRIST jots something down in his notebook

 

EUGENE

      What are you writing in there? I just folded my arms.

 

PSYCHIATRIST

      Mm-hmm. May I ask you a personal question, Mr. Simon?

 

EUGENE

      That’s what I am paying you for, right? Heh-heh.

 

PSYCHIATRIST

(totally un-amused)

      Are you threatened by my sexuality?

 

EUGENE


       What?

 

PSYCHIATRIST

(muttering to himself and writing something down)

      Denial.

 

EUGENE

Are you saying that I feel threatened by your sexuality just because I crossed my arms? I was just getting more comfortable. Is that wrong?

 

PSYCHIATRIST

I’m not saying anything Mr. Simon. Now, what first prompted you to get psychiatric counseling?

 

EUGENE

      I’ve been having these dreams.

 

PSYCHIATRIST

      What kind of dreams?

 

EUGENE

      Really weird, kind of scary ones.

 

PSYCHIATRIST

      About the Washington Memorial perhaps?

 

EUGENE

      No.

 

PSYCHIATRIST

      About large hot dogs or salamis?

 

EUGENE

      No.

 

PSYCHIATRIST

      How about oversized novelty pencils?

 

EUGENE

(getting irritated)

      No! They’re all about death.

 

PSYCHIATRIST

      Death?

 

EUGENE

      Yes. You know, like in dying, dead, death.

 

PSYCHIATRIST

      And there is nothing elongated and round in any of them.

 

EUGENE

      No, just death.

 

PSYCHIATRIST

      Hmm . . . I think what we have here is a fear of death.

 

EUGENE

Well, of course I have fear of death. Doesn’t everybody have a fear of death?

 

PSYCHIATRIST

      Yes.

 

EUGENE

I just want to know why I have such an acute fear of death? And why it won’t let me sleep?

 

PSYCHIATRIST

      Because death is scary. It even frightens me.

 

EUGENE

Yes. But why? It’s just a natural biological function. It happens to everybody. There’s no escaping it. It’s inevitable. I can see it out there waiting for me.

 

PSYCHIATRIST

See, the real problem with death is that no one has ever died and then lived to tell about it.

 

EUGENE

(sarcastically)

       Oh, thanks, doc. You’ve been wonderful. I feel so much better now.

 

SCENE 37 - Intr. of a fortuneteller’s.  It’s small, dark and eerie.  There is woman dressed like gypsy seated at a round table with a paisley covering (with fringe).  The table almost looks like it should have a glass ball on it.  There are various obscure astronomical charts on the wall.  EUGENE nervously walks in.

 

EUGENE

      This place reminds me of my mother’s house.

 

GYPSY

      What is it, O troubled one?

 

EUGENE

      I’m trying to find out what these dreams I’ve been having mean.

 

GYPSY

Sit down. (he does) Now, Dream Interpretation. That’ll cost you $30 a dream.

 

EUGENE

      O.K.

 

GYPSY

Now, let me see your palm. (He does) Hmm . . . It says here that you will die before you turn 25.

 

EUGENE

      But I’m already 27.

 

GYPSY

(measuring and judging something on his hand)

      Maybe. But you’re going to die soon anyway.

 

EUGENE

      Tha- that is what all my dreams are about. Me dying.

 

GYPSY

Pick a card.

 

(he does. It is the 6 of clubs)

 

Not good. You have six more weeks to live.

 

EUGENE

Oh no. Can’t you stop it? Isn’t there like some sort of cure you could give me? Cast a spell? Something?

 

GYPSY

No. I will not play with death again. You are just going to have try and deal with it the best way you know how. Don’t worry about death. It’s not that bad. I’ve died several times and I almost even like it.

 

EUGENE

      Reincarnation?

 

GYPSY

Yes. I have an amulet for only $50 dollars that if you are wearing it at the exact moment that you die, you will make sure that you do not come back as a microscopic creature of any sort.

 

EUGENE

      Fifty dollars?

 

GYPSY

      It comes with a lifetime money back guarantee.

 

SCENE 38 - Intr. of EUGENE’s apartment.  He is very busy studying.  Strewn about him are works by Camus, Sartre, Nietzsche, Plato, Socrates, and Woody Allen.

 

EUGENE

(thinking out loud to himself)

I think, therefore I am . . . I think. I thought so. Wait a minute, am I? Nietzsche says, “If it doesn’t kill me it makes me stronger.” . . . But what if it does kill me? That’s what I’m worried about. Death. I’m pretty sure death will kill me. Does it make me weaker? Or - or do I still exist? And if I don’t exist would I really mind eternal nothingness? Is death the end? If not why? And How? Is there a God? How could he be such a jerk sometimes? Maybe he is dead? Or just doesn’t care. Or is taking a vacation? And who is this God? Does he have a last name? Is he dating anyone? Who am I supposed to know? Can anyone truly know anything? What is knowledge? Truth? Art? Science? Philosophy? Beauty? Life? Who cares? I’m hungry.

 

EUGENE gets up and eats a sandwich.

 

SCENE 39 - Some sunny pathway in the middle of a quiet park.  EUGENE and SHAUNA are strolling and talking. The camera stays in front of them the whole time not switching angles or shots or anything. It is fall out and the two of them are silhouetted by some sort of impressive skyline or something.

 

EUGENE

      Shauna?

 

SHAUNA

      Yes?

 

EUGENE

      What would you do if died?

 

SHAUNA

Right here? I would probably call the cops and tell them to pick up your body before it started to stink up the whole park.

 

EUGENE

I don’t mean that. Just what would you do if you came into my apartment one day and there I was, dead on the floor.

 

SHAUNA

(giggling)

      Rummage through your pockets for spare change.

 

EUGENE

      No really, what would you do?

 

SHAUNA

(pulling out a handy pamphlet)

      Let me just check.

 

EUGENE

      What is that?

 

SHAUNA

      This? Oh it’s Cosmo’s handy guide to relationships.

 

EUGENE

      What?

 

SHAUNA

No, watch. It actually works. It predicted when I would meet you. No how long have we been seeing each other?

 

EUGENE

Uh, two months, I think. Yeah, I’ve had to pay the rent twice now, so it has to be two months.

 

SHAUNA

O.K. (flips to a certain page) It says here that, in this stage of our relationship, if you were to pass away, I would subconsciously harbor feelings of guilt. Afraid that the next man I got involved with would die too. I would be unable to date anyone else for . . . uh . . . three months. At that point I would meet the man of my dreams. We would settle down and have a family. Six years later, he would run off with his secretary, leaving me with the kids.

 

EUGENE

      Three months? That’s not very long.

 

SHAUNA

That’s one month longer than you’ve known me. I’d end up grieving for you longer than I actually knew you.

 

EUGENE

      Well, those Cosmo things can be wrong you know.

 

SHAUNA

Of course they can. It says here that we were supposed to physically consummate our relationship by the third week.

 

EUGENE

      What?

 

SHAUNA

      Sex, Gene. They’re talking about sex.

 

EUGENE

Well, uh is that what it says . . . well, uh, I didn’t know that . . . I didn’t want to, I mean, I didn’t think you wanted to . . . well, I didn’t think we should rush things. It’s not that I didn’t want to . . . If you want to, I mean . . . I could, It’s just that, I don’t know . . . I mean we . . . we can back to my place right now, if that’s what you want but I thought . . .

 

SHAUNA

Relax, Eugene I like it this way. It’s very gentlemanly of you not to force me.

 

EUGENE

      I did offer though, you know.

 

She leans her head on his shoulder and they walk off.

 

SCENE 40 - Intr. of a PREACHER’s office. It is tastefully decorated in Jesus paraphernalia. The PREACHER (not the same one from the PATIENCE’s funeral) is a tall dark haired man in his forties. EUGENE is seated across the desk from him.

 

PREACHER

      What is it my son?

 

EUGENE

      I was just wondering . . . what happens after death?

 

PREACHER

Your soul leaves your body. If you’ve accepted Jesus as the savior you’ll go to Heaven.

 

EUGENE

(incredulous)

      That’s it?

 

PREACHER

      Yes, just accept him and you won’t have to worry about death anymore.

 

EUGENE

      All have to do accept him as the savior and I go to heaven?

 

PREACHER

      Well, there is more to being a true Christian than that . . .

 

EUGENE

Who cares about being a true Christian, I just want to avoid hell when I die.

 

PREACHER

      That’s a laudable goal but . . .

 

EUGENE

All I have to do is accept the fact that Jesus is the savior? O.K. I can accept that. After all I accepted the fact that “Three’s Company” was a hit show. Now I can go to heaven.

 

PREACHER

      I don’t think so.

 

EUGENE

I also accepted that Adolph Hitler was the leader of the Third Reich. Does that make me a Nazi?

 

PREACHER

      Now see here . . .

 

EUGENE

      Somehow that seems a little too easy to me.

 

PREACHER

No, that’s not it at all. It takes more than just saying you’ll accept him. You have to show

 

EUGENE

Now we’re getting somewhere. So, tell what do I have to do, and don’t lie to me this time.

 

PREACHER

      Well, first you’ve got to follow the ten commandments.

 

EUGENE

      Got ya. No Problem.

 

PREACHER

      Then you must follow these Ordinances.

 

He gives EUGENE a rather large pamphlet/book.

 

EUGENE

(perusing the pamphlet)

Thou shalt not be homosexual nor shalt thou support their political movement in any way . . . Thou shalt not have beer or fish or ham or high-calorie diets . . . Thou shalt not have sex while your in the clergy . . . Thou shalt not have sex before you’re married . . . Thou shalt not have sex by yourself . . . Thou shalt not have sex after you’re married . . . This is ridiculous! There is no one in hell that can follow all of this!!

 

PREACHER

      Of course not. That’s why they’re in hell.

 

EUGENE

First you tell me it’s too easy. Now it looks like it’s impossible. How do people live like this? I mean, everyone in your congregation must be lying to you. You must be crazy thinking anyone can do this.

 

PREACHER

      I did it. My flock did it. I’m sure you can do it too.

 

EUGENE

      Right.

 

PREACHER

Oh there’s one more thing I forgot to mention.

 

EUGENE

      Oh?

 

PREACHER

      Tithing. You must give me all that you can.

 

EUGENE

All?!?  Then I’ll have nothing left for groceries and I’ll starve to death.

 

PREACHER

      The Lord knows how much you can give so don’t try and hide.

 

EUGENE

Starve to death.  Death!  Don’t you get it?  That’s what I’m trying to avoid.

 

EUGENE leaves.

 

SCENE 41 - Church hallway.  EUGENE has just left the preacher’s office.

 

EUGENE

Stupid religion! Who does God think he is anyway? Telling us what to do.

 

(throws pamphlet into trashcan)

 

None of this has been any help. I figure that the best way to deal with death is by living. Yeah, but what kind of life do I have. People tell me to get a life and I don’t even know what they’re talking about. My only friend is living with my ex-wife. My life is terrible. I should look forward to dying; everything in my life is so pitiful. At least Shauna still likes me.

 

SCENE 42 - Intr. of SHAUNA’s apartment, day. We are in the small kitchen. Both EUGENE and SHAUNA are standing in there. Both are yelling, moving around and gesturing quite animatedly.

 

SHAUNA

      You never listen to me.

 

EUGENE

      What?

 

SHAUNA

      There you go again.

 

EUGENE

      What?!? What did I say?

 

SHAUNA

Every time I open my mouth, it feels like you just stop paying attention.

 

EUGENE

I am too paying attention. I heard every single word of that last sentence.

 

SHAUNA

      Then you’re always interrupting me . . .

 

EUGENE

(interrupting)

      I do not interrupt you.

 

SHAUNA

      You just did.

 

EUGENE

      Did what?

 

SHAUNA

      Interrupt me.

 

EUGENE

      I’ve never interrupted you.

 

SHAUNA

      You’re ALWAYS interrupting people.

 

EUGENE

      Other people, yes. But I don’t interrupt you. I like you.

 

SHAUNA

      Yes you do . . .

 

EUGENE

I don’t know what you’re talking about. We were just sitting here talking and suddenly you exploded on me.

 

SHAUNA

      You were doing the talking.  I was just watching you!

 

EUGENE

      Don’t yell, neighbors’ll hear.

 

SHAUNA

      So? I own this building!

 

EUGENE

      Yes, but still we wouldn’t want them to think . . .

 

SHAUNA

      Will you shut up!

 

EUGENE

Listen to yourself. Will you listen to yourself? You’ve been tense all night. Tell me what’s wrong.

 

SHAUNA

       Nothing.

 

EUGENE

C’mon something must be bothering you. Is it . . . is it some sort of cold or something?

 

SHAUNA

      No. It’s not cold. Thank you very much.

 

EUGENE

      Well, then what’s bothering you?

 

SHAUNA

If you have to know, I got a letter from Black Tie Press today. A . . . a . . . rejection letter.

 

(she begins to weep.)

 

EUGENE

      Oh, that’s terrible.

 

SHAUNA

      It’s the fifth one this week.

 

EUGENE

(putting his arms around her and comforting her)

Look, I’m sorry I pushed you into sending your manuscript off to those guys. Maybe you weren’t ready yet. Those publishers, they just don’t now a good thing when they see one.

 

SHAUNA

      It’s not your fault.

 

EUGENE

      And . . . and I’m sorry that I interrupted you during dinner tonight.

 

SHAUNA

      That’s O.K.

 

EUGENE

      Hush, Hush, SHAUNA.

 

(pausing to stroke her hair and rock her back and forth gently)

 

I’m kind of glad we had this little fight. Because, you know, my ex-wife and I never fought until the day we decided to split up. I think that caused a lot of unresolved tensions that just helped to tear us apart. But . . . but if now I, like, stop interrupting you and being so rude and such then . . . then our relationship will grow.

 

SHAUNA

(wiping away the tears)

Yeah, yeah, I guess so. How is TERESA? I haven’t heard from her in a while.

 

SCENE 43 - Intr. of a chapel, day. The first thing we see is a shot of TERESA in a wedding dress head to foot. We pull back and we see her father standing next to her. The wedding march begins and as we pull back even farther. We see EUGENE and SHAUNA sitting rather awkwardly in the back row. Everyone is dressed traditionally and appropriately. Finally, TERESA’s father veers off and KYLE takes her arm. Finally they have made it up the aisle to the PREACHER (the same one from SCENE 40)

 

PREACHER

Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today to insult Eugene Simon in the most public and open way possible by joining his best friend . . . or at least his former best friend and his recently divorced wife, who only pretended to be frigid while she was married to Eugene. Not that I can’t really blame her. Have you ever seen anyone as unattractive as that man back there?

 

(points at him, everyone turns and stares, EUGENE gives his “What? Who Me Look?”)

 

I think that Eugene deserves everything he’s getting don’t you? He is stupid and lazy and ridiculously paranoid. I think I should snuff out his pitiful existence right now. Or do you want to kill him for me, Teresa?

 

TERESA

      I do.

 

PREACHER

And what about you, Kyle? Do you think that Eugene is the simple-minded gullible buffoon and should be slowly boiled in hot oil?

 

KYLE

      I do.

 

PREACHER

I now pronounce you man and wife; you may now kill the 35th president of the United States.

 

KYLE and TERESA kiss.  EUGENE rubs his eyes shakes his head. Obviously he was imagining all that weird stuff.

 

SCENE 44 - Intr. of an elegant dining room. It is the wedding reception.  EUGENE and KYLE are standing at the buffet table.

 

KYLE

      I don’t know how you did it, Gene.

 

EUGENE

      Did what?

 

KYLE

      Let a wonderful girl like that slip through your fingers.

 

EUGENE

I didn’t let her slip through my fingers. She jumped out of my hand, as you may recall.

 

KYLE

      Oh yeah.

 

EUGENE

(to SHAUNA who has now joined them in order to refill her plate with cocktail weenies)

       Can we go now?

 

Suddenly in bursts TOM a well built, tan, pumped-up, air-headed, California-type. He is wearing a “Gold’s Gym” tank top.

 

TOM

      Stop!!!

 

TERESA

      Tom? What are you doing here?

 

TOM

      Trying to stop you from making the worst mistake of your life.

 

TERESA

      But I already have. I mean...

 

TOM

      The invitation said it started at 3:00

 

TERESA

      No. The reception is at three. The wedding was at 2:00

 

KYLE

      You gave this guy an invitation?

 

TOM

      Come home with me, TERESA.

 

TERESA

      I can’t. I’m married now.

 

TOM

If you don’t come back to me

 

(whips out a hand-grenade)

 

I’m going to kill myself . . . and every single one of you bastards.

 

TERESA

      Wait, no. Tom. Don’t.

 

KYLE

Listen. If you really want her, I suppose you can have her. Just don’t hurt me.

TERESA

      Shut up Kyle.

 

KYLE

      I’m . . . I’m sorry dear. I panicked. I do love you.

 

TOM suddenly becomes more threatening by putting his finger around the pin (or something) The crowd collectively gasps in fear.

 

KYLE

      What, whoa, sorry big guy.

 

EUGENE

(in a terse whisper)

Shauna. Now be very careful. I want you to slip outside and call the cops.

 

(Turns around to see that she’s not there)

 

Shauna?

 

Then the cops burst in, led by SHAUNA.

 

SHAUNA

      There he is!

 

COP

      Freeze, sucker!

 

TOM drops the grenade, in a few seconds the police have him arrested and handcuffed

 

EUGENE

      How did you get the cops to come?

 

SHAUNA

      I told them there would be free wedding cake afterwards.

 

EUGENE looks over and at the buffet table is, once again, The REAPER. This time, though, he is pouring himself a glass of punch. All the other guests around him are ignoring him. Using the same one-two-three technique: EUGENE is startled and the REAPER disappears.

 

SCENE 45 - Intr. of EUGENE’s apartment.  EUGENE is in bed, tossing fitfully. All of the sudden, in walks PATIENCE. He is glowing, translucent, and dressed in a white gown.

 

PATIENCE

Eugene.

 

EUGENE

(waking up)

What?

 

PATIENCE

      Get up.

 

EUGENE

      Who is it?

 

PATIENCE

      It’s your half-brother.

 

EUGENE

      Patience?

 

PATIENCE

      Yeah?

 

EUGENE

      I thought you were dead.

 

PATIENCE

      I am.

 

(pause)

 

EUGENE

      O.K.

 

SCENE 46 - Intr. of coffee shop from SCENE 1. Night. No one save for EUGENE

and the ghost of PATIENCE is in there.

 

EUGENE

      It’s . . . it’s good to see you clothed.

 

PATIENCE

      Thanks.

 

EUGENE

      I thought you didn’t believe in covering your body.

 

PATIENCE

I still don’t. This isn’t my body, Gene. My body’s dead. This is my spirit.

 

EUGENE

      Are you saying that is some sort of after-life?

 

PATIENCE

      Obviously.

 

EUGENE

      Are - are you in heaven now?

 

PATIENCE

      That’s what it looks like.

 

EUGENE

      So, tell me, which religion is - is the right one?

 

PATIENCE

      We don’t know.

 

EUGENE

      What?

 

PATIENCE

You see; the way we figure it is like this. If there is God, although none of us have yet seen him, he’s probably a pretty nice guy after all. So he judges us on what we try to do, not what we actually can do. That way it’s more fair.

 

EUGENE

      Yeah, but how does he judge you? By which church’s dogma?

 

PATIENCE

I hate to say this, Gene, but if you take out all the rituals and the clergy and the buildings, all religions are pretty much the same. They all boil down to the same thing . . . Be nice.

 

EUGENE

Be nice?!? That’s it? We’re going to be judged on how nice we are? Then what the hell were the Crusades for? Religious freedom and persecution? All of it? Just be nice?

 

PATIENCE

Temporary distractions. We’ve got plenty of them up in Heaven too. Look, Eugene, it’s time for me to go.

 

EUGENE

      Wait. Before you go, what is Heaven really like?

 

PATIENCE

There’s just one TV station up there, and it only plays re-runs of “Highway To Heaven”

 

EUGENE

      Oh. Well, then, what’s the difference between that and hell?

 

PATIENCE

The commercials.

 

(glancing at his watch)

 

Which reminds me, my favorite episode is starting right now, I’d really hate to miss it. There isn’t a hell of a lot else to do up there, so I’ve really got to go.

 

EUGENE

      Oh, well, bye then.

 

PATIENCE

      Bye

 

(slowly fades out, waving)

 

SCENE 47 - Intr. of EUGENE’s apartment.  EUGENE is in bed and he suddenly, fitfully wakes up.

 

EUGENE

      Now, this is really getting too weird.

 

SCENE 48 – EUGENE is walking down the street with his violin case. The

REAPER is following behind him. The two of them reach a street corner as the light is changing to “Don’t Walk” Now the two of them are side by side. The

REAPER unfolds a newspaper he was carrying and starts reading it.

 

EUGENE

      Would knock it off?

 

REAPER

      What?

 

EUGENE

      Following me around all the time.

 

REAPER

      Hey, look, pal. I’m just doing my job.

 

EUGENE

I know you’re just a figment of my imagination. Some sort of cinematic symbol, representing of my fear of death, but you’re really getting on my nerves.

 

REAPER

      Gee, I’m sorry . . . I didn’t mean to . . .

 

EUGENE

And every time I turn around and try to show you to somebody else, you conveniently disappear.

 

REAPER

Look man, I feel really awful about this. Let me make it up to you. Would you like some coffee?

 

EUGENE


      Huh?

 

REAPER

      I’m offering you coffee . . . to make up for my scaring you.

 

EUGENE

      You want to give me coffee?

 

REAPER

I know what you’re thinking, “Ooh, who’d want to be seen eating with the Grim Reaper.” Well, I am a person too . . .

 

EUGENE

      You are?

 

REAPER

I have feelings. Do you how depressing it is working with dead people all day? How many friends do you think I have?

 

EUGENE

No, wait. I’d be honored if you would buy me lunch. It’s sort of the chance of lifetime I guess. My name’s Eugene Simon

 

(extends hand nervously)

 

REAPER

(shaking it happily)

      I’m the Grim Reaper, but most people just call me Death.

 

EUGENE


      O.K. . . . Death then.

 

REAPER

      I like you. I think we’ll become great friends.

 

The REAPER places his skeleton hand on his shoulder and the two of them walk off. EUGENE is still very very nervous.

 

SCENE 49 - Intr. of that fabulous coffee shop from the beginning (I really ought to come up with a name for it).  EUGENE is talking to someone on the phone. We see the REAPER in the background at the table sipping coffee.

 

EUGENE

Shauna? . . . Oh hi . . . you’re never going to believe this . . . what? Yes I know I’m late for our lunch but . . . no nothing like that . . . No, I’m having coffee with death . . . you know the grim reaper himself . . . This is Eugene . . . I’m not making this up . . . No really he’s here . . . He puts creamer in his coffee . . . No, actually he a rather nice guy, kind of lonely though . . . you ought to meet him . . . No I’m serious, we should invite him over sometime . . .

 

SCENE 50 - Intr. of SHAUNA’s apartment. EUGENE has just introduced SHAUNA to the REAPER. The two are still shaking hands.

 

SHAUNA

      So you’re the Grim Reaper?

 

REAPER

      Please call me Death.

 

SHAUNA

Eugene here has told me so much about you.

 

REAPER

      Really?

 

The two of them sit down.

 

SHAUNA

      So tell me, death, how’s business lately.

 

REAPER

Not too good actually. Nobody waits for me to show up before they die anymore. It seems like the only place I’m doing any work these days is either at Old Folks homes or really superstitious backwater places down south. You know, where everyone marries their own first cousin.

 

SHAUNA

      That’s too bad.

 

REAPER

I can understand why people who get shot or in a bad wreck wouldn’t want to wait. But all these people with like AIDS and cancer and such. Surely they can wait a few more minutes for me to get there before they kick the bucket.

 

EUGENE

      More coffee?

 

REAPER

      Thank you.

 

SCENE 51 - Intr. of SHAUNA’s apartment later that night. The REAPER has left and EUGENE and SHAUNA are washing dishes.

 

SHAUNA

I don’t know. It was kind of creepy at first, but once you got to know him he seems like a really nice fellow. I wouldn’t want to be in his line of work however. He needs some self-confidence seminars like the ones I had. The way he stayed here till one in the morning. I thought he’d never leave. Telling us his whole life or . . . er death-story, but still . . .

 

EUGENE

(interrupting)

Uh, Shauna. I’m glad we’re alone now cause there’s something I’d like to discuss with you.

 

SHAUNA

      Oh?

 

EUGENE

Yes. It’s about my apartment. I . . . I want to move out.

 

SHAUNA

      What but why?

 

EUGENE

It’s nothing against you. I mean, we both knew the place was only temporary until I found something else.

 

SHAUNA

You don’t like me?!?

 

(She is beginning to cry)

 

EUGENE

No. It’s not that. I like you. I . . . I love you even it’s just that the apartment is much too small for me. I found this other place. It’s only two blocks from here so I can come over when you want me to. It’s really a charming little place. I’m sure you’ll love it.

 

SHAUNA

      I don’t want you to leave me.

 

EUGENE

I don’t want to either. This was a very convenient set-up but I need more space.

 

SHAUNA

(pleading)

      You won’t have to pay the rent any more.

 

EUGENE

I’m sorry, Shauna. I didn’t mean to hurt you but my bathroom’s so small I have to brush my teeth sideways. It’s just rid . . .

 

SHAUNA

You could move in with me.

 

EUGENE

What?

 

SHAUNA

      You could live here . . . with me.

 

EUGENE

You mean live together?

 

SHAUNA

If you want to cause, I mean if you just want to leave me that’s O.K. I’d understand I just thought since you wanted more space . . .

 

EUGENE

      I’d love to.

 

SHAUNA

      Huh?

 

EUGENE

I’d . . . I’d like to live with you. I mean I guess I think that well I’m ready to take this next step. I’m not afraid of commitment. I’ll just call that other guy and tell him I’ve changed my mind. And I’ll start packing tomorrow.

 

SHAUNA

      Oh thank you . . . thank you, Gene (the two hug)

 

SCENE 52 - Intr. of SHAUNA’s bedroom. Day. EUGENE has just dumped a suitcase full of clothes down on the floor and is looking at SHAUNA inquisitively.

 

SHAUNA

Let’s see

 

(checks both sides of the bed for comfort)

 

You can have the left side.

 

EUGENE

Thanks. Are you sure you wouldn’t be more comfortable if I slept on the couch?

 

SHAUNA

That’s what living together’s all about Gene. If we can survive sleeping together in the same bed, we can survive anything.

 

EUGENE

      We won’t actually be sleeping together though.

 

SHAUNA

      Not yet.

 

EUGENE

      Are you sure this is possible? I mean biologically?

 

SHAUNA

      You were married for nearly two years you should know.

 

SCENE 53 - Intr. of SHAUNA’s bedroom night. Night. Both EUGENE and SHAUNA are in bed, wearing pajamas of some kind. She is on her side, sleeping peacefully. He is on his back looking rather uncomfortable and wide-awake, staring at the ceiling. Several moments drag by with nothing but the sound of a clock ticking. Finally EUGENE closes his eyes and starts (using everybody’s favorite dissolve one more time) to drift into dreamland.

 

SCENE 54 - Extr. Of a hill. Day. As we pull in closer we see a trio of crosses looking like a religious icon. On the far left cross is EUGENE. He is inexplicably wearing a tuxedo and sunglasses. His mother, LYNDA, walks up to him.

 

LYNDA

Gene! Come down off that crucifix right now! You know better than to play with things that don’t belong to you.

 

EUGENE

      I can’t mom. I’m, I’m nailed up here.

 

LYNDA

      You can do anything if you put your mind to it.

 

EUGENE

      I don’t think so.

 

LYNDA

      There is nothing that you can’t do if you want to.

 

EUGENE

      I couldn’t live forever if I just wanted to.

 

LYNDA

      Why not?

 

EUGENE

      Because I’ve been crucified mother. There isn’t much time left for me.

 

LYNDA

      You could never die if you really wanted to.

 

EUGENE

      Then why isn’t every one immortal?

 

LYNDA

      Because no one wants to live forever. We all want to die eventually.

 

EUGENE

      I don’t.

 

LYNDA

      Then don’t.

 

EUGENE

I can’t.

 

LYNDA

I can see that there’s no talking any sense into you. I’ll come back tomorrow.

 

EUGENE

(as LYNDA is walking off)

I won’t be here tomorrow. I’ll be dead, mom, dead. Come back here . . . Mom?

 

GUY ON THE FAR RIGHT CROSS

(sniffling)

My mother never came to visit me . . .

 

SCENE 55 - SHAUNA’s bed, same night.  EUGENE suddenly pops his eyes open.  SHAUNA rolls over and starts snoring.  EUGENE resumes staring at the ceiling.

 

SCENE 56 - Intr. of SHAUNA’s (& EUGENE’s) apartment. Night. SHAUNA, EUGENE, KYLE, and The REAPER are seated around a card table playing poker.

 

KYLE

Thanks for inviting me over, Gene. I mean, I love TERESA and all but sometimes it’s nice just to get away from her every now and then. She does get a tad overbearing if you know what I mean.

 

EUGENE

Trust me I understand.

 

REAPER

      How many would you like?

 

SHAUNA

      Uh . . . two.

 

EUGENE

      I’ll take three.

 

KYLE

      Just one.

 

REAPER

      And the dealer takes two.

 

SHAUNA

I fold.

 

REAPER

      Eugene?

 

EUGENE

Oh . . . well . . . a nickel.

 

(tosses one in)

 

KYLE

      I see your lousy nickel and raise you twenty-five cents.

 

REAPER

      I’ll call that.

 

EUGENE

      Too rich for my blood.

 

REAPER

      Let’s see what you got, Kyle?

 

KYLE

      Read ‘em and weep. A pair of sixes.

 

(starts to reach for the money)

 

REAPER

      Not so fast. I believe a pair of nines is higher.

 

KYLE

      You’re a real bonehead, do you know that Death?

 

SCENE 57 - Intr. of SHAUNA’s apartment. EUGENE is sitting in a chair reading some book about death when SHAUNA comes in.

 

SHAUNA

      I’m sick of it Eugene.

 

EUGENE

      What?

 

SHAUNA

      Death.

 

EUGENE

Oh, well you won’t have to worry about him for the next two weeks. I convinced him to take a vacation.

 

SHAUNA

(incredulous)

      Death takes a holiday?

 

EUGENE

      He’s going down to the Bahamas.

 

SHAUNA

      That’s not what I was talking about.

 

EUGENE

      Well, what then?

 

SHAUNA

      Your fascination with death and dying. It’s morbid.

 

EUGENE

Well, death is very important thing, Shauna. It’s one of the few things in life you can depend on.

 

SHAUNA

      Yes but why worry about it now? You’re alive so why not live?

 

EUGENE

I do. I am living. Right now. I mean . . .

 

SHAUNA

      You re-did your will three times this month.

 

EUGENE

I don’t want to leave anything . . . or anyone out.

 

SHAUNA

Last night you went through your wardrobe looking for something to be buried in.

 

EUGENE

Well, you never know when you’re going to go. And I don’t want to spend the rest of eternity dressed poorly.

 

SHAUNA

Then why do you want to be buried in that ugly green and purple tie? It’s the most hideous and vile thing on this earth.

 

EUGENE

I like that tie. It was present from my Uncle Charlie.

 

SHAUNA

      You just worry about death too much Gene. It’s getting on my nerves.

 

EUGENE

I just want to be prepared when it happens to me.

 

SHAUNA

My daddy once told me that the best way to prepare for death is to live all you can.

 

EUGENE

I . . . I wish I could be that optimistic. I really do. But there’s got to be more to life than that. I mean, it’s seems too simple. Too easy.

 

SHAUNA

Believe it or not, Gene, but you’re not going to die tomorrow. You’ll end up living for a long time. And what’ll you do then?

 

EUGENE

I don’t know.

 

SHAUNA

      Why don’t you try to be a little less morbid then?

 

EUGENE

I’ll try . . .

 

SCENE 58 - Extr. of a Putt-Putt golf course. Day.  EUGENE and SHAUNA are playing.  EUGENE bends over to retrieve his ball from the hole when the windmill trap right next to him explodes. He pulls up quickly to see DONALD Karlin.

 

EUGENE

(Finally pushed over the edge)

       Would you knock it off! I’m getting sick of this!

 

DONALD looks quite stunned and afraid. He panics and grabs SHAUNA hostage pointing a gun at her neck. She lets out a small scream.

 

DONALD

      Take one more step and I’ll shoot her.

 

EUGENE

(walking slowly towards him)

No you won’t.

 

DONALD

      Why not?

 

EUGENE

Cause I’m going to hit you in the head with this putter.

 

(He does it. DONALD falls over knocked out. The people around him at the Putt-Putt course applaud.  SHAUNA continues standing as she was, wide-eyed in total shock. She does not flinch)

 

That was awfully stupid. He could’ve killed me . . . or you even. He already hates me as it is. What was I thinking? Shauna?

 

(Waves his hand in front of her face. She doesn’t respond)

 

Hello?

 

SHAUNA

I’ve never come that close to dying before.

 

EUGENE

Scary isn’t it?

 

SHAUNA

You were going to let him kill me.

 

EUGENE

I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I lost my head. I was trying be heroic or something.

 

SHAUNA

I was about to die. My whole life flashed before my eyes. That would be it. The End. Finis. No more Shauna Renaltro. Ever. For all eternity.... Hold me, Gene.

 

(He does)

 

SCENE 59 - Intr. of a Karaoke bar. It is not very well lit. On-stage is

KYLE. He is singing “You Don’t Own Me.” by Lesley Gore. He is obviously very drunk. We turn to the point of view from the stage and see EUGENE, looking shocked that he would have guts to sing this, SHAUNA, enjoying the music and obviously not knowing what’s going, & TERESA, who obviously knows what KYLE is trying to say to her. Her arms are folded across her chest and she looks like she’s ready to explode. When KYLE gets to the chorus part “So don’t tell me what to say, and don’t tell me what to do . . .” TERESA snaps

 

TERESA

Kyle! Get down from there right now! You’re embarrassing me!

 

KYLE

(complacently)

      Yes, dear.

 

A Japanese WAITER comes up to EUGENE as KYLE is leaving the stage while the machine is still playing the music without the vocals.

 

WAITER

Phone call for you, Mr. Simon.

 

EUGENE

Thank you.

 

EUGENE goes over to the phone at the front desk. As EUGENE picks up the phone we get a split screen allowing us to see who’s on the other line. It is a NURSE

 

EUGENE

Hello.

 

NURSE

Is this Eugene Simon?

 

EUGENE

Yes, this is he.

 

NURSE

You told us to call you if there was any change in Mr. Karlin’s condition.

 

EUGENE

Yes.

 

NURSE

Well, it seems like things have taken a turn for the worse. You see, Donald suffered from severe brain damage.

 

EUGENE

Before or after the incident?

 

NURSE

Well, both. Anyway, if the doctors can keep him alive through the night, there’s good chance he’ll live and even recover to semi-normal state. It’s just the next 24 hours that are important.

 

EUGENE

If he dies, what will happen?

 

NURSE

No need to worry about that Mr. Simon. There were twenty-eight different witnesses. They all say it was self-defense.

 

EUGENE

Thanks.

 

EUGENE absently hangs up the phone without waiting for the NURSE to say good-bye. He walks about to the table. He is in total shock as he sits back down.

 

EUGENE

Donald might not live through the night.

 

SHAUNA

Serves him right. Trying to kill me.

 

EUGENE

I’m a murderer.

 

KYLE

      He’s not dead yet. You haven’t killed anybody.

 

TERESA

It was self-defense, you dummy. No jury in the world would convict you. Stop being such a sissy.

 

EUGENE

All this time I was worrying about my own death, and now I’ve nearly killed someone because of my stupid paranoid fantasies.

 

SHAUNA

You weren’t paranoid, Gene. The guy had a gun pointed right at me. I think that’s as good a justification as any.

 

EUGENE

I don’t know.

 

SHAUNA

Kyle. TERESA. It was nice seeing you but I think it’s time for us to go home.

 

KYLE and TERESA wave good-bye as SHAUNA helps the near comatose EUGENE out.

 

SCENE 60 - Intr. of SHAUNA’s bedroom. SHAUNA and EUGENE are sleeping. EUGENE

is tossing fitfully. And - you guessed it - EUGENE’s next dream . . . .

 

SCENE 61 - A prison cell. EUGENE is sitting alone on the cot in a denim prisoner’s outfit. A guard unlocks the door and in walks the PREACHER. He sits down next to EUGENE.

 

PREACHER

Are you sorry for what you did?

 

EUGENE

Yes. Yes. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do it. What can do to make up for it? I feel terrible.

 

PREACHER

There is nothing you can do? Death is irrevocable.

 

EUGENE

Nothing?

 

PREACHER

There’s only one thing that can make up for destroying one person’s life. Destroying your own.

 

EUGENE

You mean the . . . the . . . the electric chair?

 

PREACHER

Yes. Only through your own blood can the other’s be avenged. Now come along my son.

 

EUGENE follows the PREACHER and two guards out of the cell into the room with an electric chair. The two guards strap EUGENE. One guard walks over to the switch. The music builds finally . . . He throws the switch.  EUGENE screams.

 

GUARD #1

Nothing happened.

 

GUARD # 2

Did you plug it in?

 

GUARD #1

Oops.

 

The guard plugs in a simple three-prong plug into the outlet and then throws the switch again. EUGENE screams.

 

SCENE 62 - SHAUNA’s bed.  EUGENE is sitting up drenched in sweat. He is still screaming.  SHAUNA pulls a pillow over her ears.

 

SHAUNA

(Very drowsily)

Go back to sleep Gene. 

 

SCENE 63 - Intr. of SHAUNA’s apartment. Day.  EUGENE is pacing impatiently by the telephone. The phone rings. EUGENE hurriedly rushes over and picks it up, knocking over the stand it was sitting on and falling over himself.

 

EUGENE

How is he? . . . What? . . . huh, no . . . Aunt Bella? . . . You have the wrong number! . . . Well, don’t let it happen again.

 

(slams the phone down and lies where he lays. The phone rings again)

 

Hello? He did? Great! That’s terrific. Thank you. Oh thank you thank you.

 

(starts dancing around leaving the phone off the hook).

 

SCENE 64 - Intr. of Hospital room. DONALD Karlin is in bed with great about his head.  EUGENE comes in with a small bouquet of flowers.

 

EUGENE

Knock knock. You O.K. Mr. Karlin?

 

DONALD

I’m going to kill you!

 

EUGENE

I don’t blame you but please don’t do that, sir. I brought you these flowers.

 

DONALD

(throwing the flowers back at EUGENE)

      I hate you!!

 

EUGENE

I know. I know. I keep trying to tell everybody that, nobody believes me. I just want to know why? Why do you hate me so much?

 

DONALD

You hit me in the head with a putter!

 

EUGENE

I didn’t mean to. You were going to kill my girlfriend.

 

DONALD

So?

 

EUGENE

Why do you keep trying to kill me?

 

DONALD

I don’t remember.

 

EUGENE

What?

 

DONALD

(holding his bandaged head)

Everything before I got hit is kind of blurry.

 

EUGENE

You mean, that you’ve been trying to kill me for six months and now neither one of us knows why? I’m never going to find out why you hate me? What I did to inspire this intense loathing of me? This is going to haunt me for the rest of me life! How could you get Amnesia? This isn’t fair!!

 

DONALD

(who obviously lapsed into a child-like state during EUGENE’s tirade)

I want my dolly!! Wahh!!! The aliens! They’re surrounding me!! Captain, captain, prepare to disembark! Bang bang bang!

 

SCENE 65 - Some grassy hill. Day. SHAUNA and EUGENE are having a picnic.

 

SHAUNA

Penny for your thoughts.

 

EUGENE

Paul.

 

SHAUNA

Who?

 

EUGENE

Paul McCartney, the Beatle. I really think he’s dead.

 

SHAUNA

What?

 

EUGENE

I think that John Lennon faked his own death so he could concentrate on writing songs for what’s-his-name, the guy they’re paying to replace him.

 

SHAUNA

If I were John, I’d fake my death, just so I wouldn’t have to be married to Yoko anymore.

 

EUGENE

All the pieces fit. First he took five years off, pretending to be a househusband or something, but even that wasn’t enough time. So, Carter funded the cover-up while John paid Mark David Chapman to take the fall. It all comes clear now.

 

SHAUNA

But why would John end his career just to write crap like “Ebony and Ivory” for his dead ex-partner? The Beatles are over, so why won’t they admit to the hoax?

 

EUGENE

That’s just the point. He was trying to ruin Paul’s reputation while making himself out to be a martyr. He’s still jealous of Paul. I don’t even think George and Ringo know what’s going on entirely.

 

SHAUNA

      Sure, Gene.

 

EUGENE

And did you ever notice how much Hillary Rodham Clinton looks like Linda McCartney?

 

SHAUNA

      She does?

 

EUGENE

Yeah, they could be sisters or twins or something. Maybe they’re even the same person. This conspiracy reaches everywhere.

 

SHAUNA

They don’t look anything alike.

 

EUGENE

Well, kind of . . . sort of . . . in a really squinty-eyed sort of way.

 

SHAUNA

      Not really.

 

EUGENE

Well, they both have the same colored hair.

 

SHAUNA

Blonde? It’s not that unusual.

 

EUGENE

Trust me. I know what I’m talking about. I read it in the newspaper.

 

SHAUNA

Yeah and John F. Kennedy was actually killed by Oliver Stone and the CIA.

 

EUGENE

(with mock sincerity)

      Hey, I believe everything I read in the National Inquirer.

 

Along the bike path the two of them are sitting by jogs a fatter older Elvis in a sweat suit and his trademark sunglasses. They stare at him. He waves to the two of them as he goes by. EUGENE and SHAUNA stare at each other with that “Whoa - What was that” shocked look.

 

SCENE 66 - Intr. of the “Beginning” Coffee shop. EUGENE and KYLE are talking.

 

KYLE

      I’m getting so sick of her. I want to kill her.

 

EUGENE

Don’t do that. Why don’t you tell her?

 

KYLE

      I can’t. She never let’s me speak.

 

EUGENE

Well, you could threaten to divorce her.

 

KYLE

      I couldn’t do that. I love her.

 

EUGENE

Why?

 

KYLE

      Well . . . uh . . . I don’t know. The sex is still great.

 

EUGENE

I don’t want to hear about it.

 

KYLE

      Oh that’s right.

 

EUGENE

You’ve got to do something.

 

KYLE

      Maybe. I don’t know, maybe I should be more understanding.

 

EUGENE

It’s up to you. But if I were in your position, I wouldn’t let her do that to me.

 

KYLE

You were in my position. You were even more spineless than I was. So don’t tell me what to do.

 

EUGENE

I know.

 

(they sip on their coffees)

 

KYLE

      If you need some extra money, I’ve found something for you.

 

EUGENE

What?

 

KYLE

The Death Piggies are looking for a violinist to help record one of their ballads. If you’re interested the audition is tomorrow. It pays pretty well.

 

SCENE 67 - Intr. of a small smoky recording studio. Three rather lethal, stoned, crazy, degenerate members of the Death Piggies: SPIKE (the big burly shaved head type), BLOOD-SUCKER (mostly likely to have a prison record type), and WAYNARD (the skinny one in the sunglasses who looks like he’s about to waste away) are sitting in three comfy chairs. EUGENE is standing in front of them looking quite well dressed, comparatively. He is shaking hands with all of them as they are introduced (except WAYNARD)

 

SPIKE

Hey. My name’s Spike. I play drums.

 

EUGENE

I’m Eugene Simon

 

BLOOD-SUCKER

Blood-Sucker. Bass is my thang . . . .

 

(EUGENE extends his hand to WAYNARD. He doesn’t respond)

 

That’s Waynard Peabody the III. Guitar.

 

WAYNARD

Wow! Look at the colors.

 

SPIKE

You play the uh . . .

 

BLOOD-SUCKER

Oh what’s that thing called? The brown thing . . .

 

WAYNARD

Don’t ask me, man. I literally have hornets flying around inside my skull.

 

EUGENE

Violin.

 

SPIKE

Yeah that’s it. I knew I’d think of it eventually.

 

BLOOD-SUCKER

You any good?

 

EUGENE

I like to think so.

 

BLOOD-SUCKER

Fine. You’re hired.

 

EUGENE

      What do you want me to play?

 

SPIKE

Something, you know, classical. Like what all those dead German guys in wigs played. You know, like Mozart and stuff.

 

BLOOD-SUCKER

It’s in the key of . . . uh . . . what’s it . . . Oh yeah, C. Hell, all of our stuff is in the key of C. (The Death Piggies all laugh appreciatively)

 

EUGENE

How does it go?

 

The Death Piggies all start humming something. It sounds like each one of them humming a different tune. Then all three of them sing simultaneously the phrase “My Mother is Satan” then they go back to humming that same atonal mish-mash. EUGENE is completely lost.

 

EUGENE

This is supposed to be a ballad?

 

BLOOD-SUCKER

Yeah, it’s a startling and new sensitive direction for the Death Piggies.

SPIKE

Just think. Horny teenage boys will be slow dancing to this at the prom.

 

WAYNARD

Wow, man, like too conceptual.

SPIKE

      So, do you think you can you do something with that?

 

EUGENE

      I can fake something.

 

SCENE 68 - Intr. of SHAUNA’s apartment. Day. EUGENE and SHAUNA are sitting eating lunch.

 

SHAUNA

I think I’ve come to a conclusion.

 

EUGENE

Oh? What’s that?

 

SHAUNA

There is no such thing as one true love like in all those fairy tales.

 

EUGENE

Huh?

 

SHAUNA

The odds are just too astronomical for it to be possible. I mean, what are the chances that the two of you were even born in the same time period. You may end up being fifty years older than her or she could’ve been raised sometime in ancient Egypt. Then you two have to be born in the same country, same city . . . in the same part of town most likely. And even then it’s possible that you two will never meet.

 

EUGENE

Then how come some many people fall in love every day?

 

SHAUNA

You see, love is actually an ability handle a person’s different eccentricities and quirks. Along with the maturity to solve any problems that arrive in a relationship. Given enough time, a strong desire, and the right circumstances, any two people will eventually fall in love.

 

EUGENE

But - but what about Romeo and Juliet? >

 

SHAUNA

That’s exactly my point. If Juliet had not been so near-sighted to kill herself right then and there, she would’ve mourned for a little while and eventually fall back in love just as deeply, if not more so having gained something from the added experience. Besides she got Romeo on the rebound anyway.

 

EUGENE

I know but that’s terrible thing say. There is no love.

 

SHAUNA

I’m not saying there isn’t such a thing as love. All I’m saying is that there is no “one true mate” that you were destined all your life to be with. That kind of fairy tale love is just impossible mathematically.

 

EUGENE

Yes, but, I still love you . . . like that.

 

SHAUNA

I know, dear.

 

SCENE 69 - Extr. of a small eatery (possibly the coffee shop from the beginning). EUGENE is walking by when he happens to look inside. He sees SHAUNA and The REAPER sharing a sandwich. EUGENE walks in to see what they are doing.

 

EUGENE

Hi guys. (they respond) I didn’t know you were home already, Death.

 

REAPER

      Yeah I just got in yesterday.

 

EUGENE

Well, you should’ve given me a call. So . . . how were the Bahamas?

 

REAPER

It’s really warm down there. If I had any skin I’d tanned . . . if not sunburned.

 

EUGENE

      What are you doing here, Shauna?

 

SHAUNA

Well, Death called while you were out and I . . . that is we decided to have lunch together. We would’ve invited you if you were in. But you weren’t so we didn’t. This is completely innocent I assure you.

 

EUGENE

       That’s fine.

 

REAPER

Look, Gene, I’ve got to be going now.

 

(he stands up)

 

 

SHAUNA

Here, I’ll walk you home.

 

The two of them leave EUGENE sitting alone looking a tad befuddled.

 

SCENE 70 - Med. shot of EUGENE walking down the street, Day. As he’s walking a large grand piano falls just a few inches behind him. EUGENE swivels around quickly and yells at the people who dropped it. They apologize. He walks on. A few feet later, an anvil falls within a few feet in front of EUGENE. Nervous he walks even faster. Then a sheep (or cow) falls to the side of him. EUGENE pulls out an umbrella, unfolds it, and practically runs off screen.

 

SCENE 71 - Extr. of SHAUNA’s apartment. EUGENE closes his umbrella and opens the door. Inside he sees SHAUNA giving the REAPER a small, innocent kiss on the cheek.

 

EUGENE

What’s going on here?

 

REAPER

      I was just demonstrating the Kiss of Death to Shauna here.

 

EUGENE

Are you cheating on me?

 

REAPER

      How could she cheat, unless your relationship is a game?

 

SHAUNA

Don’t worry about it, Gene. We were just conducting a little experiment. See what it’s like to kiss someone without any lips.

 

REAPER

       You can kiss me too if you want to Eugene.

 

EUGENE

Uh . . . gee . . . not right now, thanks anyway.

 

REAPER

O.K. Say you two up for a game of Putt-Putt?

 

SCENE 72 - Intr. of

SHAUNA’s apartment. Day. The answering machine turns on as EUGENE, his arms full of groceries enters the apartment, juggling too many things and with his keys in his mouth.

 

KYLE’S VOICE (on the machine)     

Eugene?  Hello?  This is Kyle. I need to speak to you as soon as possible so give me a call. Or stop by the coffee shop. I’ll be there till 3:30. Please call. Please. Thanks.

 

(hangs up)

 

SCENE 73 - Intr. of “The Coffee Shop From SCENE 1” KYLE is sitting by himself, sipping coffee and looking rather disconsolate as

EUGENE walks in.

 

EUGENE

I got your message, Kyle. What’s up?

 

KYLE

She left me.

 

EUGENE

Who?

 

KYLE

Who do you think? Teresa, of course.

 

EUGENE

Oh, that’s terrible. You two seemed like the perfect . . . O.K. I could see it coming a mile off. But still it’s awful. I’m sorry Kyle. How’d it happen?

 

KYLE

She ran off with Tom.

 

EUGENE

Tom? You mean that whacko who tried to kill us all with a grenade at your wedding?

 

KYLE

Yeah the guy she met down at the health spa.

 

EUGENE

That’s terrible. Why isn’t he in prison?

 

KYLE

They found him to be temporarily insane.

 

EUGENE

It looked pretty permanent if you asked me.

 

KYLE

She’s probably in Vegas now. She just had Ms. Clairy leave the papers at the house.

 

EUGENE

At least you got the house . . . my house.

 

(the two sip on their coffee)

 

KYLE

 I’ve decided that you were right.

 

EUGENE

About what?

 

KYLE

Sex isn’t the answer.

 

EUGENE

Yes, but what is?

 

KYLE

I don’t know.

 

EUGENE

I’d like to know.

 

KYLE

How are things going with you and SHAUNA?

 

EUGENE

Good. Great. Terrific. Fine. I’m . . . I’m going to ask her to marry me.

 

KYLE

      Sounds great. Fantastic. I’m so happy for you.

 

KYLE starts weeping uncontrollably. EUGENE looks around the room, embarrassed, hoping no one is noticing.

 

SCENE 72 - Intr. of a JEWELER’s shop. Day. EUGENE wanders in. He looks very out of place. A very refined, mannered, snooty old bald JEWELER is behind the counter.

 

JEWELER

      May I help you sir?

 

EUGENE

Uh, yes. I need a ring.

 

JEWELER
Well, you’re in the right place. What exactly are you looking for?

 

EUGENE

I, uh, need an engagement ring.

 

JEWELER

Male or female?

 

EUGENE

Female. It’s for my wife, uh, fiancée, uh, girlfriend.

 

JEWELER

Can’t be too careful these days sir.

 

EUGENE

      I see.

 

JEWELER

How much are you planning on spending?

 

EUGENE

As little as I have to. heh-heh.

 

JEWELER

(sarcastically)

Well, glass is very nice this time of year.

 

EUGENE

That sounds fine. I’ll take one.

 

JEWELER

No, sir. You don’t want to buy a glass ring for this woman. She will laugh in your face.

 

EUGENE

Oh. I’m sorry. This is the first time I’ve ever done this. Last time she went out and bought the ring for me.

 

JEWELER

      Before you proposed?

 

EUGENE

Yeah. She kept with her and waited for me to pop the question. It took a lot of pressure off me.

JEWELER

      She told you about it?

 

EUGENE

      Yeah.

 

JEWELER

      That was in poor taste, sir.

 

EUGENE

Yeah, I know. But I was so young and foolish then. It was almost two years ago.

 

JEWELER

(sighs)

      What size is her finger?

 

EUGENE

      Who’s?

 

JEWELER

Your girlfriend’s.

 

EUGENE

Oh. Oh yeah. Uh, just normal finger size I guess.

 

JEWELER

You don’t know?

 

EUGENE

I never asked. It’s not something you bring up in normal conversation, you know. Like “Gee, honey, what’s your finger size today?”

 

JEWELER

      We’ll go for a six and half. How about that?

 

EUGENE

      Sounds good.

 

JEWELER

      Be sure to hang to the receipt, she’ll probably need to return it.

 

EUGENE

      Fine.

 

JEWELER

      Now over here we have a wide selection of one-diamond bands . . .

 

EUGENE

Damn! Look at these prices. Now I know why TERESA didn’t want my help selecting hers. Well, it’s as good a way as any to spend the money I got from the Death Piggies.

 

JEWELER

      You know the Death Piggies?!?

 

EUGENE

Yeah, I played on one of their songs. One of their ballads.

 

JEWELER

Really? Could you get me their autographs?

 

(hands him a book with a pen)

 

EUGENE

I don’t think I’ll ever see them again. But I’ll try.

 

JEWELER

Tell them to make it out to Hymie and Margaret.

 

EUGENE

I’ll just take that one over there.

 

JEWELER

Don’t you want to peruse some more? I’ve got three more cases just of diamonds. And then there are emeralds, rubies . . .

 

EUGENE

They all look the same to me.

 

JEWELER

O.K.

 

SCENE 73 - The hall outside of SHAUNA’s apartment. EUGENE opens up the case and checks the ring one more time before he gets to the door. When he gets there he sees several suitcases and violin case sitting outside the door. On the door is a note that EUGENE reads out loud (or possibly a voice-over).

 

EUGENE

Dear Gene, I hate to say it, but I don’t love you anymore. Or maybe you were just getting on my nerves. Anyway, I wanted to run off with Death but then I remembered something, I own this building. So now you’re leaving me. All your stuff is here. Please don’t be bitter. We can still be friends, but don’t call me or try to get in contact with me in any other way. Sincerely, Shauna Renaltro.

 

(knocks on the door)

 

Shauna?  Shauna? Are you in there? I love you. Will you marry me? Hello? Are you in there Shauna?

 

 

REAPER

(opening the door)

Can’t you read, Gene? She doesn’t want to see you again?

 

EUGENE

(yelling past Death at whoever)

Shauna? I know you’re in there. I want to marry you. I got a ring. Why did you do this? What did I do?

 

 

SHAUNA’S VOICE

(from somewhere in the apartment)

You squeeze your toothpaste from the middle.

 

 

REAPER

Good-bye, Gene. I’ll see you later. We can still be friends.

 

(slams door)

 

EUGENE

(indicating the ring)

I’m glad I kept the receipt on this thing.

 

SCENE 74 - Extr. of KYLE’s (formerly TERESA’s, formerly EUGENE’s) house. EUGENE has all of his stuff with him as he rings the doorbell. KYLE answers.

 

KYLE

      Hello.

 

EUGENE

Hi. I was wondering... could I stay here tonight.

 

KYLE

      Why? What happened?

 

EUGENE

Shauna threw me out.

 

KYLE

      Oh, that’s awful.

 

EUGENE

She’s living with the Grim Reaper now.

 

KYLE

       Really? I thought you two were friends.

 

EUGENE

We were.

 

KYLE

You can stay here as long as you want. I know exactly how you feel. Like someone has taken a ball peen hammer and driven a railroad spike through your chest.

 

EUGENE

Something like that, yeah.

 

KYLE

      The couch folds out into a bed.

 

EUGENE

I know. I used to own it.

 

(The two of them go inside)

 

SCENE 75 - Intr. of KYLE’s house. EUGENE is sleeping uncomfortably on the foldout bed. And for the last time we see what EUGENE is dreaming . . .

 

SCENE 76 - Extr. of a cemetery. As we go inside we see a tombstone marked “EUGENE SIMON” From somewhere underneath it we hear EUGENE’s voice.

 

EUGENE’S VOICE

I don’t know about you guys, but I kind of glad I’m dead.

 

UNIDENTIFIED TOMBSTONE NEXT TO HIM

I know what you mean. Once your heart stops beating it can be broken.

 

(various other dead people around chime in their agreement)

 

EUGENE’S VOICE

Then why do we fear death so much, if it is actually a comfort?

 

UNIDENTIFIED TOMBSTONE

Most people never realize how much pain and suffering it takes to enjoy life. It takes perceptive to realize that it honestly isn’t worth it.

 

EUGENE’S VOICE

Hmm. Is it just my imagination, or am I in Spoon River?

 

A GRAVE MARKED “THORTON WILDER”

Actually you’re in Grover’s Corners.

 

SCENE 77 - Intr. of KYLE’s house. EUGENE wakes up, yawns and stretches. It is morning. We see KYLE in kitchen sitting at the table.

 

KYLE

      Good morning.

 

EUGENE

Hey. What are you doing?

 

KYLE

I’m going to sit here and contemplate suicide all day. Why don’t you go out and get us some breakfast?

 

EUGENE

O.K.

 

SCENE 78 - A typical street. Wide shot. EUGENE is walking along, carrying a bag of doughnuts. He is eating one of them when all of the sudden he starts choking. He grabs at his chest and collapses to the ground, dead. We see a crowd gather around him and later we hear some ambulances coming, but we don’t see them. We close in on EUGENE’s dead face as we fade to . . .

 

SCENE 79 - It is completely dark except for one large bright white light. EUGENE is there and he is walking very slowly over towards it. There is a large, echo-y, God-like voice speaking.

 

VOICE

Come to the light. Go into the light, Eugene. Come into the light . . .

 

EUGENE

(suddenly stopping)

No. Wait a minute. I’m not moving another step until somebody explains to me what all this means.

 

VOICE

Fine. Have it your way.

 

And with the sound of an ordinary household light switch being flicked off the screen goes entirely black. Then this legend appears on the screen: “The moral of this story is: You only die once, so make the best of it.” Then “THE END” As we roll final credits, EUGENE’s voice is still heard.

 

EUGENE

Wait. Hold on a sec. I didn’t mean to . . . C’mon. Can’t you take a joke? I was just kidding. Get it? Ha - ha - huh? Is anybody there? Hello? Anyone? Come back here. I know you can hear me. Help. I’ve never been dead before. C-could someone please help me. Anyone? I can’t see a thing. So . . . uh . . . this is it? What is this some sort of symbol for eternal nothingness? No. There was a voice. A voice and a light. So there is a God. Was that you God? God? I’m sorry for what I said back there. Look, I didn’t know who it was and I was just . . . Sorry. Is this supposed to be hell? The continual loneliness and boredom is going to torture. Drive me crazy. Well, look. I can handle it. It’s not such a big deal. So I have nothing to do, no one to talk to for - how long? O.K. Maybe you’re right, God. This is hell. You got to get me out of here. If this is about that guy I hit with my miniature golf club, it was completely in self-defense, honest. There were witnesses. Are you listening to me God? Are you out there? Just thunder or something if you can hear me. Hello . . .

 

EUGENE’s voice fades out as the credits end. After which the words “Thank you for sitting through the credits. I’m sure somebody appreciates it, but don’t you guys have something better to do? Time is precious. You never know when you’re going to die.”