First off, let me say that I never really wanted to be a filmmaker. Just through some vast conspiracy, most of the people in my young life have been amateur directors: my best friend from elementary school through high school made "movies" on the school’s video equipment, my roommate in college was studying cinema in hopes of making his own film, the lead singer/accordionist in my band has made several experimental short using old Super-8 film. So, growing up when I wanted to go to a movie with friends, it always meant the small art houses but never the giant cineplexes. That means I’m one of maybe 1200 people to have seen juliendonkeyboy in the theatres, while I’ve yet to have watched Jurassic Park, Titanic, The Matrix, or the new Star Wars movie. Without intending to, I’ve become something of a film snob.

The other effect of growing up around amateur auteurs is that I’ve done a lot of volunteer work on a wide variety of films. Everything from super low budget features on 16mm, to super no budget videos. I have appeared in more films than several people who actually want to act. I’ve done everything from holding lights to co-writing scripts, from composing scores to watching someone else edit. And so I know what type of person it takes to be a director. And what directors have to go through (i.e. a headache so big that if you tried to write Excedrin all over it you would run out of ink before you finished the frontal lobe). Besides, filmmaking is the most collaborative of all creative endeavors - and I don’t work well with people.

So when I first heard about Project Greenlight I immediately contacted my friends and neighbors, but was not about to sign up. Project Greenlight is apparently the brain child of Ben "like the back of a Volkswagon?" Affleck and his permanent man-slave, Matt Demon-spawn. Apparently the idea is to hold a nation-wide contest to find the new unknown film for Ben ‘n Matt to produce, and HBO will turn the making of said film into a reality TV show ala Survivor or The Real World.

First step: write a screenplay and then submit it. Then you will be required to read at least three other scripts and evaluate them to see who goes on to the next round. Now, like I said, I had no interest in being a filmmaker per se, but the second step sort of caught my attention. Here I was being offered an opportunity to prevent one more stupid, mindless, cookie-cutter Hollywood production from being created. A chance to promote good writing, interesting characters and original plots in Hollywood. A chance to redeem myself after making Teen Wolf Too!

Okay, so I didn’t actually make Teen Wolf Too (starring Justin Bateman as a college wrestling werewolf). But I still felt guilty all the same. See when I was younger, before I started really hanging out with all my Tarintino-wannbe friends, my parents took me to the mall. As usual we split off (you know, meet at the Orange Julius at 7). And being a boy (and having already looked through the entire toy store) I was bored. So I was wandering around when one of those clipboard people came up to me. Now my Mom had always given me plenty of strategies to aid in the avoidance of these survey takers, but having nothing better to do - and being just a bit curious - I said yes to this one. I was then shown a bunch of marketing PR regarding a new movie they wanted to make. And being at the time a mild Michael J. Fox fan, the idea of a sequel to Teen Wolf made me very excited. Not just excited, sort of excited, or not excited at all. So I marked the appropriate box. Flash forward approximately 300 years (I was a kid, microwave popcorn seemed to take forever), Teen Wolf Too comes out. And I feel personally responsible.

And the only way to make up for my sin is to join Project Greenlight. So I dusted off an old film script I wrote in high school, (A very derivative Woody Allen-esque piece of junk that had no chance of winning), grabbed a cell phone, a bottle of Evian, and an insincere smile and decided to play Mogul for a Day. I began reading scripts. The first three are assigned randomly. Nothing spectacular - but what did I expect? It’s just the first three. I couldn’t hope for Citizen Kane my first time out. After the first three though, you can search the P.G. database to find scripts about whatever topics you’re interested in. Some search words turned up nothing. Penguin, Lactating, Booger. Others you’d be surprised by. There was not one but THREE different movie ideas about cloning Jesus from the Shroud of Turin. Number of scripts containing words like Lesbian, Green, or Television were enormous. The number I wanted to see actually get made? Zero.

I needed more scripts. I submitted another script under a pseudonym - I made sure the script would be ineligible to win (it was an adaptation with too few pages), just to make sure I didn’t get caught. I was hoping for something startling or new or original. I figured this wasn’t Hollywood. These are professional hacks. They’ll tell stories that Hollywood is afraid to touch. But no. Rare was even the script that didn’t feature a protagonist in his (yes, almost always HIS) twenties. I was starting to worry. If they thought I was rejected all the competition just to increase my own chances, they’d throw out all my reviews. I was beginning to sympathize with Hollywood producers - a category I had formerly equated with used car salesmen and politicians. If I had to read this crap everyday I might start to think Big Momma’s House was a good idea, too.

Not to despair though, after reading some 60 or 70 scripts, there were three or four I could submit a good review. Which I guess is probably about the ratio at which real Hollywood players give films the "greenlight".

Actually more disappointing was the lack of totally horrible scripts. Where are the new Ed Woods going to come from? Nothing reeked of totally amateurish sincerity and a glaring blindness to their own lack of skill. Even the scripts I liked, I liked because I thought they would make good "real" movies. They seemed professional. Nothing had that neglected runt with big puppy dog eyes look to it. Oh well, I’d like to think that those people are still out there, and making movies to their own unique, inept vision. It makes me feel better.

So step one in my role-playing fantasy was complete. I held the fate of a movie in my hands. Wielded the power (in my own head at least) to make or break someone... well, at least someone’s future in La-La Land. But then there was the other half being a Hollywood player. To have the fate of your movie decided by someone else’s whim. To live or die on the opinions of a handful of ignorant slugs. I was going to get my reviews back. Or maybe even find out if I went on the next level. Sure, I told myself that I didn’t want to be a filmmaker. I deliberately picked scripts that I thought wouldn’t (or couldn’t) win - not that I had any that I did think could win, but after reading all those others, I started to think if I put a little more effort into this... who knows? It’s that fear of rejection. I want them to like my movie. I want them to make my movie. Oh crap, I admit it now. I want to make my movie, and now the moment of truth is at hand.

I didn’t make the cut. Am I disappointed? Yes. But look at the odds. 250 out of over 7,000. I shouldn’t be surprised. Besides look at who picked them. The people who wrote this stuff wouldn’t know quality if it jumped on their leg and humped it. Still if I had known beforehand how good a shot I could’ve had... Plus, look at how easily I set up another account using a fake name.

I read some these "winning" scripts. They had to have illegally voted for themselves. Hmm... I wonder if I could do that myself next year.

They are going to do this again next year, right?

Right?