The Ninja's 5 Favorite Comedians

So I was over in Australia for Easter, and it's interesting to note that they celebrate Easter the same way we do: commenerating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant Bunny Rabbit... left chocolate eggs in the night.  Where do you get this shit from?  Why those two things?  Why not goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer.  As long as we're making shit up, go hog wild.  At least the goldfish with a Lincoln Log on its back going across your floor to the sock drawer has a magical connotation to it.  "Mummy, I woke up today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer." ... "That's the story of Jesus."  Who comes up with that stuff?  I've read the Bible, I can't find the words chocolate or bunny anywhere in the fucking book.

1.  Bill Hicks

I was watching Seseme Street with my nephew and I think "Good.  Now he'll learn how to count and spell."  But, watching it now, as an adult, I realize that it teaches kids other things.  Like how to judge people and label people.  They got this character called Oscar.  They treat this guy like Shit the entire show.  They judge him right to his face: "Oscar, you are so mean.  Isn't he kids?"  "Year Oscar, you're a grouch."  'BITCH, I LIVE IN A FUCKING TRASH CAN!'  And we wonder why our kids grow up to step over homeless people:  "Get it together grouch.  Get a job, grouch."  ...  They even had the nerve to put a pimp on there.  Now, they didn't come out and say he was a pimp, but I know a pimp when I see one.  He had a cape and everything.  They called him The Count.  You could just see him pimping, "Bitch, where is my money.  You've been late three times, I've been counting... How many times must I smack you before you act right?  *slap* One *slap* Two, two slaps, Ha    Ha    Ha."

2.  Dave Chappelle

I am Denis Leary, and I am The Lord of the Dance!  Fuck Michel Flattely, it's me!  The lord of the dance... the fuhrer of the dance... the mister of the dance.  What's that make Patrick Swazye, Michel, the president of the dance? Have you seen that show?  If you have, GET OUT!  If you've seen that show, if you own that tape, get the hell out of my show right now.  You seen that ads for this show, with him dancing out there with his flat stomach and his faggy little bull-fighting jacket, and his Jackie Stallone headband... and his pirate shirt flowing in the wind.  C'mon, folks, I'm Irish, you've seen us dance at weddings, we don't dance like that.

3.  Denis Leary

D.C.!  Home of the Million Man March.  All the positive black leaders there: Farah Khan, Jesse... Marion Barry.  Marion Barry, you know what that means? It means that even in our finest hour, we had a crackhead on stage.  Boo if you want, ya know I'm right.  How the hell Marion Barry get his job back?  Smoke crack, got his job back.  How the hell that happen.  If you get caught smoking crack at McDonald's, you can't get your job back.  They're not going to trust you aroung the Happy Meals.  They'll send your ass to Hardey's.  Smoke crack, got his job back.  All I want to know is who ran against him, who was so bad that they lost to a crackhead?  What was they're campaign like?  Were they on herion?  'Don't vote for Crack, Vote For Smack!'  How you going to tell little kids no to get high.  "Don't get high, you won't be nothing."  'I can be mayor!"

4.  Chris Rock

-The only good thing to come out of religion was the music. -There ought to be at least one round state. -In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first. -Why can't there be more suffering? -Where does the Dentist go when he leaves the room? -I almost don't feel the way I do. -There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. -Fuck soccer moms. -Ross Perot.  Just what a nation of idiots needs: a short, loud idiot. -The bigger they are, the worst they smell. -No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like. -Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror. -Sties are caused by watching your dog shit -We're all fucked.  It helps to remember that.

5.  George Carlin

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