Scene 1
A dark stage. NARRATOR walks to D.C. Spotlight shines on NARRATOR.
NARRATOR FACE is the average 12-year-old girl. She is shy, polite, and intelligent. She loves to read, write, and do arithmetic. She is every middle school principle’s dream. IN is a not-so-average 12-year-old girl. She is loud and brash and always speaks her mind. She loves to dance, sing, and crack jokes. IN has pummeled every principal she has come in contact with. FACE and IN are almost completely opposite people, but they’re not. FACE and IN are the same person. FACE is what is shown and heard and IN is what is thought yet never said. This is their adventure with their new principal. [walks off stage]
Scene 2
It is dark. A light illuminates FACE as she walks across the stage to a chair at a table, housing PRINCIPAL D.C. She is the average 12-year-old girl. A little tiny and meek. Shy.
FACE SIR, you called for me? [she sits down]
PRINCIPLE Yes I did, Brandi. Sit down.
PRINCIPAL NOISES
Yes, sir. I know, sir.
PRINCIPAL NOISES
Not long, sir. Today’s my second day here.
PRINCIPAL NOISES
Chicago, sir.
[FACE freezes and the spotlight moves to IN who comes to life (from now on this will be called “switching”)]
IN The few, the proud, the South side! Home to God’s gift to sports… [like John Goodman on Saturday Night Live (she turns around her baseball cap, revealing a White Sox logo)] DA WHITE SOX! Oh, but one must not forget DA BEARS! The only team in the National Football League that can sing and dance! [singing and dancing]
We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you.
We're so bad we know we're good.
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would.
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone.
We're not here to start no trouble.
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle.
[switch, IN freezes]
PRINCIPAL NOISES
FACE [with visibly faux enthusiasm] Oh, yes, sir, I’m enjoying Sunnyside very much!
[switch]
IN I hate it here.
[switch]
FACE The weather’s nice.
[switch]
IN Except for the wind, the rain, and the insufferable fog.
[switch]
FACE Yes, sir. Of course, sir.
PRINCIPAL NOISES
Well, I attended a Montessori school for three years.
PRINCIPAL What’s a Montessori school?
A Montessori school is….
[switch]
IN Montessori. M-O-N-T-E-S-S-O-R-I. Montessori. Maria Montessori, the first female physician in Italy, founded the Montessori method of teaching. In Montessori schools, students work at their own pace with 2 and 3 dimensional materials. Student do not receive homework, however, they do receive strenuous in-class lessons on basic life skills and etiquette. Many Montessori schools can be found in Europe.
[switch]
FACE It’s quite different, sir.
PRINCIPAL NOISES.
No, sir. We did have a quite small class but
PRINCIPAL NOISES
it wasn’t
PRINCIPAL NOISES
We had farms and fields but those were only for agricultural reasons… so we could eat. No, sir, Chicago was not a farm town.
PRINCIPAL NOISES
I know we had Cows on Parade but those weren’t real cows they were statues.
[switch]
IN [in a trashy Southern accent] Y’all to see here yonder is a man who pro-fis-izes that I am what some city slickers who’d call a culchie. Hillbilly. Redneck. Yokel. Hick. [in normal voice] Of the people who do not wear shoes!
[switch]
FACE I know Sunnyside is the biggest city in America, but Chicago…. [beat] Yes, sir. You just told me that, sir. I know, sir.
[switch]
IN Did you know that “principle” means “God and bearer of all information”? And “Mid-West” is the Latin word for “hick town”? Astounding! You can learn all of these words and more in the principle’s dictionary, “I’m Smart and You’re an Idiot”. [shows book] [in a rushed voice] Five-ninety-nine plus shipping and handling required.
[switch]
FACE [persistent] The reason I wanted to talk to you was….
PRINCIPAL NOISES
[AGITATED] my math class. I would like to change my math class.
PRINCIPAL NOISES
FACE You see, my current math class is too difficult.
PRINCIPAL NOISES
FACE The level of difficulty in this class…
[switch]
IN I can take no offense, I can take the cake, I can take the A-Train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take five.
[switch]
FACE [as if she was possessed] My math class is too hard! I wish to be moved! [covers her mouth in shock] Oh my gosh, sir, I’m sorry.
[switch]
IN Don’t be! They say the squeaky wheel gets oiled first, well, we’re pretty squeaky! We can’t sleep! We’re insomniacs! Last night, I had a dream that I was sleeping and when I was dreaming it I was awake! Somebody call Dr. Freedman!
[SWITCH]
PRINCIPAL NOISES
FACE [sad, broken, near tears] I know, sir. I… I shouldn’t have yelled. It was just, that when I wasn’t yelling…
PRINCIPAL NOISES
[switch]
IN [in tears, to principle] Alright, if I talk politely and normally you walk all over me. If I’m assertive and straightforward, I get in trouble. What do you want?
[Switch]
PRINCIPAL NOISES
FACE starts crying and gets tissues.
[Switch]
IN Don’t you do that to me. Don’t make me feel like nothing, ‘cause guess what? I’m a lot more than you think I am. I see you sitting in your high chair, looking down on everybody! While everybody works to abide your petty commandments. Well, Mister, it’s time for you to know that you’re the same as everybody else. No higher, but maybe a little lower. So get off it! [does a John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever- esque dance move] [while in pose] That’s Chicago.
[switch]
FACE [wiping away tears] I should be getting back to class….
PRINCIPAL NOISES
You’ll change my math class, thanks.
[light shines on both ID and FACE. They walk away]
FACE + IN [while walking away] [mumbled, about principle] Meathead. [point and look at each other] Hey!
[FACE and IN freeze]
THE END