I never intended on doing what I did. I didn't I have a plan to hurt you and your sisters like this. I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to see you. The whole time I was away you were practically the only thing I thought of and when I got back you weren't there. Nobody was.
When I left you were still my little girl and then... two years are a long time. I thought everyone was waiting for me. When I got home no one was there. You were at a dance, Liz was at a play-date, Marie was at the park, and your momma was at something for the Red Cross. The whole time I was away I thought you all were sitting in the living room writing me letters that got lost in Army Mail and knitting me sweaters. I thought you missed me.
I sat there, at the train station, waiting for someone to pick me up. I know that I could've easily walked home, but I was waiting for you all to come around the corner with balloons and a banner. I sat until Lucy, the cleaning lady--what happened to Susan? --came to ride home and noticed me sitting on my suitcase, wearing my uniform. She walked up to me and said in some strange accent that she worked for a Burns family in this town. Apparently, she'd never heard of me.
*Words divide
Touched down on a southwest runway
Time collides
Shipments that never came
I drank enough
To almost feel at home right here
But not enough to make me disappear*
So, why did I do it? That's the first thing they ask you. It's a reasonable question, but do they actually expect you to answer? That's not fair-- I would've asked it. I have asked it. You'd think I would know how to answer it.
I don't know how to answer any of their questions. They ask you all of these yes/no questions. "Did you..." "Do you..." Some things aren't yes or no. "Did I do it?" Yes but no. I did it but I didn't. I can remember it happening... just not doing it. It was like a dream. It was like watching a horror film and not being able to stop the bad guy from.... I could see my hands doing it but I didn't know why.
I don't wish I didn't. I don't wish for anything. I'm completely numb right now. I'm sad, yes; death row does that to you. Don't cry, I won't... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I wished for so many things back then. I wished that your mother would quit her work at Red Cross. I wished for that magic power that would make me daddy again. I wished that one day I would come home from work that you'd all be there, running toward the door, jumping on me when I come in.
None of my wishes come true. Never did. There's no point in wishing. Almost as pointless as regret. I wish, I dream, I regret. I wish they wouldn't hound you when you go into school and that the media would forget my name. I dream of being a better man who didn't do such things to his family. I regret... everything.
*Breaking rules and breaking down
Never thought twice about it
Pushing drugs and skipping town
Now we just talk about it
What if we never even make it back? I don't have the answer
I dropped the ball; we lost our only chance to have luck on our side*
You never asked me about Korea. I guess your mother told you not to. Too bad she didn't get to everybody else.
I was the town hero. I was the man who fought the Communist Devil and came home, as decorated Lt. Col. It was nice for a while. At the liquor store I could get as much as I wanted free of charge. Everywhere the perks were there. Police Officers who hated me were letting me off from tickets.
Then the news came. It was Sunday, after church. (You were at Gale's Grill, you wouldn't remember.) I was eating a sandwich when Liz yells that my boss is here. I walk over, puzzled, and see an MP. Before I know it, I'm being arrested while my six-year-old daughter watches.
Promise you won't hate me if I tell you why. You can hate me, just not for this.
The MP takes me "downtown" like Joe Friday. I'm left in an empty room. Soon, a major walks in. Then... then... I'm gone. He- he tells me... somebody in Korea filed a report on me. On something they saw me do.
*Revolving doors
Kept the neighbors up and talking
Unsettled scores
Face offs that never came*
Once, when you were little, you wanted an apple so bad before dinner that you took from the neighbors' tree. You wanted that apple so bad and you were so hungry that you needed it. I needed it, I was hungry.
It was lonely. The people, who were supposed to like me, hated me and were quite willing to show it. My commander didn't listen to me, and everyone else thought I was a fool. I did have a friend Margaret but she was only using me for my power and I'm pretty sure she didn't like me. Then he showed up.
At first, I thought it was an elaborate joke from Pierce, but when he said that Pierce "wasn't his kind of man", I was pretty sure he was sincere in his attempts for friendship.
So life went on. I had someone to eat with in the mess. Someone to back me up and talk me down.
*I thought a lot
This is not a life I can defend
And after this how could I face my friends
Seconds burned*
I felt guilty. Me, running around having... doing the wrong thing, while you were all worrying about me. If only I knew. If only I knew.
*Throat dry I swallowed my pride and...
Lesson learned
I looked hard and I'm to blame
Fuck it all*
The sad thing is, the worst is yet to come.
*Repressing thoughts of suicide
A part of me three years I've had to hide*