Scene I - The Millhouse

Roxy: Aah! Oh, good, you're up. But you're dressed.

Max: Why does she have to be the first person I see in the morning?

Where'd you get those keys?

Roxy: Oh, I took yours and I had a copy made. I was going to surprise you with breakfast in bed -- doughnuts.

Max: I'm going to have to get that lock changed.

Scene II - The Millhouse

Roxy: You know, I don't really know you so well, so I sprung for the assortment. I got glazed, I got chocolate glazed, I got chocolate chocolate glazed. I got powdered, I got jelly-filled. I got crème-filled, I got Bavarian filled-filled.

Max: This woman is going to drive me to an early grave.

Roxy: I got ones with jimmies on them, I got mocha --

Max: Ok, just stop! Shut up about the fried dough! Everyone knows I like strawberries and whipped cream!

Roxy: Listen, I'm just trying to figure out what my bridegroom likes in his doughnuts. Uh -- you know, for future reference, I like chocolate chocolate glazed.

Max: I hate doughnuts. I hate all kinds of doughnuts, and I'm not your bridegroom. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

Roxy: Ooh, you got up on the wrong side of the bed. That's what happens when you lock your wife out of the honeymoon suite.

Max: It's not a honeymoon suite. It is my bedroom, and I got a news flash for you -- it is going to stay locked and barricaded, and if you decide you're going to try to scamper up the outside wall and crawl in my window, it is locked and nailed shut! What did I ever do to deserve that piece of trash?

Roxy: Why are treating me like that? It is so unlike you.

Max: You don't even know what I'm like! You don't know anything about me! I wish she'd brush that birds nest on her head.

Roxy: Oh, yeah, I do. I know all about my big, beautiful love machine, and, you know, maybe you don't remember anything about that wedding night in Vegas, but I remember.

Max: La, la, la...I'm not listening to word you're saying. It's all crap. Like our so called marriage.

Roxy: I remember every second of it, so if you don't lock your door tonight, I can show you all the things that I learned that you love.

Max: Which part of "I'm not interested" don't you understand? Where's Allison Perkins when you need her?

Roxy: You know, I think a doughnut would really improve your deposition.

Max: I -- I -- I don't like doughnuts! I don't like you! I -- I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to -- I don't want to sleep with you. I don't want to be married to you! I should have run off with Gabrielle when I had the chance.

Roxy: You are so unbelievably handsome when you get angry.

Max: And you're ugly! You're in denial.

Roxy: Uh-uh, baby. I remember everything that you said in Vegas.

Max: I was drunk! I was beyond drunk! Can't you get that through your ratty lookin' head?

Roxy: In wino, very tassel.

Max: You're an idiot. When is she going to leave me?

Roxy: No, man, it's Greek. Oh, you are so handsome and so amazing -- you know, that little vein in your neck juts out, it goes like, "thump, thump, thump" because I think that your heart is filling with thoughts of me.

Max: Get out of my house. I'm about to kill an ugly flea named Roxy.

[Roxy chuckles]

Roxy: There it goes -- thump, thump, thump, thump!

Max: Now! I have the urge to gamble again, but I would be doing Llanview a huge favor if I did her in right here and now.

Roxy: Hey, Max, you know, I got to tell you something -- you know, if you leave here and you divorce me, I get the house, I get all of the bar, and I get a half a million bucks a year.

Max: I don't care. 1..2..3..4...soon Roxeanne will be no more.

Roxy: Well, maybe you don't care about the money, but you care about me, so I'm telling you I am not leaving!

Max: I'll carry you out. She's a midget.

Roxy: I got a better idea -- why don't you carry me up to your bedroom.

Max: When hell freezes over. Why can't you face reality?

Roxy: Well, why can't you face reality? The reality is, Max, you and I connect! You know that! We do, we do! We connect! We do!

Max: No, no, we -- we -- we don't! Damnit, she made me studder!

Roxy: Ok, fine, fine! All right! You don't want to be here, fine! Fine! What's keeping you? You know, you could leave at any time. All right! So, go ahead. Who's forcing you to stay here? [opens front door]

Max: Oh great...it's my first ex. This day just keeps getting better and better.

Scene III - The Millhouse

Gabrielle: That was clever -- opening the door before I even had a chance to knock.

Max: I'm turned on.

Roxy: Who are you, and what do you want?

Gabrielle: I beg your pardon?

Max: She's Al's mother. And a fine mama she is, too.

Gabrielle: Max, it's a very good idea to hire a maid for you and Al, but couldn't you have found one with a bit more manners?

Roxy: Who the hell is Al?

Max: Al? My son? Duh!

Roxy: Ah, you mean legs!

Gabrielle: "Legs"?

Max: And a great pair you have, Gabrielle.

Roxy: Hey -- doughnut?

Gabrielle: No, thank you. Can't you go and find something to dust? [Roxy blows powdered doughnut in Gabby's face;lunges at her]

Max: Whoa! Her fiestiness makes me want her even more.

Gabrielle: Ahem.

Max: What brings you here? God, she smells good.

Gabrielle: Oh, I just thought I'd see how you and Al are getting along, see if he moved in all right.

Max: No, he's changed his mind. He's not moving. You could move in. Sex with you is great.

Gabrielle: Why? Everything was settled. What happened?

Max: Why don't we talk about this later. My bedroom..let's say 10 o'clock.

Gabrielle: Why can't we talk about it now?

Roxy: Because maybe he wants to spend the morning with his new bride.

Max: Damn! I almost had her.

Gabrielle: What?

[Roxy laughs]

Roxy: Yeah. We got hitched in Vegas. We had the Venetian fantasy. Isn't that right, Maxi?

Max: Excuse me while I crawl under a rock and die.

Scene IV - The Millhouse

Gabrielle: Your bride? This -- this is your bride?

Max: Look, I told you Al's not here. He's probably taking a final, so if you want to go over to the campus, you can probably find him. Yeah, get rid of her...what am I thinking? She's hot!

Gabrielle: And interrupt his studying? What sort of mother do you think I am? Besides, I haven't had the opportunity to properly congratulate you and the new Mrs.. Ho-- Holden.

Max: Why does that doughnut lovin' bimbo have to have my last name?

Roxy: Well, I know it can be very awkward when the ex meets the new wife, but I'm ready to be an adult about it if you are.

Max: God help me.

Gabrielle: You have nothing to worry about, dear. Gabrielle have interest in Max?

Max: What is she talking about? That british con artist is crazy about me.

[Gabrielle laughs]

Roxy: Well, your loss is my gain, honey.

Max: Wow. Gabrielle's hair has incredible shine. I love how the light reflects on the top of her head. I bet she uses 'Herbal Essence.'

Gabrielle: Yes. Yes, just such a shame -- I wish I were still the style editor of "The Sun." I would so love to do a series of articles on you.

Max: Not a bad idea. She'd be great for a Halloween spread. Hell, she could haunt houses.

Roxy: Really?

[Roxanne laughs]

Max: I can't believe that nit wit fell for it.

Gabrielle: Oh, absolutely.

Max: Ok. Ok, Gabrielle, you had your fun. We'll have ours later.

Gabrielle: I have barely just begun to warm up.

Max: I think it's time to leave. No, stay. I want Roxy to leave. Damnit, Max!

Gabrielle: Max -- my Max, you turned me down because I clearly wasn't good enough for the great Max Holden.

Max: Ok, don't do this. Why is she doing this to me? I want her so bad. I need a cold shower.

Gabrielle: But I can see that you were clearly right. Oh, yes, I do understand, now that I have seen what you were waiting for -- the prize you were looking for.

Max: I was drunk, ok? Ohhhh, she's sizzlin'. I want to grab her, take her upstairs and make wild passionate love to her.

Gabrielle: Darling, you must have been positively paralytic.

Roxy: Hey, stop making fun of my husband. I do not allow that.

Max: Damn, she turned away. I want to see her gorgeous face.

Gabrielle: Wow, what a lucky boy you are -- she's defending you. That's wonderful. I can't wait to hear what's going to come out of your mouth next.

Max: Ok, enough, Gabrielle. That's enough. [Gabs turns to him] That's more like it. Man, she's pretty.

Scene V - The Millhouse

Max: For your information, my wife is an exceptional woman. But you are the most beautiful, hot, sexy, extraordinary, sensational, multi-talented sex machine of a woman...and I've got to have you tonight!

Gabrielle: An exceptional con woman. From what I read in the paper, she's lucky she's not in jail.

Max: So are you. And for the record, I would rather spend the rest of my life with Roxy than one more minute with you.

Roxy: Oh, Maxi, I knew it.

Gabrielle: What could you possibly have in common with that piece of trash?

Max: You'll never know. Max, you idiot! She's the reason I bought the delux pack of condoms! Why the hell am I kicking her out?

Gabrielle: Would you like to know what I think you have in common?

Max: No, I don't! And you know what? I would like you to leave our home! And don't come back unless you have an invitation. I'm such a freakin' ass...the hottest woman in Llanview and I'm throwing her out.

Gabrielle: Well, that's fine. I wouldn't want to interrupt the honeymoon -- or the gourmet delicacies.

Max: Oh, this is killing me. I want to ride her like a bull.

Roxy: You are such a wonderful man. I knew you were going to come around. I just thought it was going to take a lot longer. That's why I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Max: What the hell? Get off me! Ew! Now I need disinfectant.

Roxy: Max, what? What? But you said -- you know what you said!

Max: You actually believed that garbage? What am I going to do with the strawberries and whipped cream? I even bought Michael Bolten's album with 'Baby That's What Love Is All About' on it.

Roxy: Yeah, but you know what you said.

Max: No -- I said that because I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of rubbing my nose in the biggest mistake I ever made in my life! I better go upstairs and hope Gabrielle is waiting for me. I hate that inflatable doll.

Roxy: Max, you don't mean that.

Max: Guess again, honey. Thank God I'm wearing my Sponge Bob Square Pants boxers. These pants are killing me.