GOAL FOR OUR CHILDREN


We want our children to live and grow--to feel good about themselves, to have high self-esteem--to be self-regulated, and to have a high regard for the feelings and rights of others. We want to live in an atmosphere of mutual respect.

We all go a bit nuts sometimes because of the stresses of parenthood. But that's no excuse to beat a child. It's frustrating being a parent. It's hard when children don't come with "instruction booklets," like a vaccuum, or a microwave, but a child is a little miracle. A gift from God. It's not right for people to just let stress take over and beat the poor child senseless. I hope by reading this page, you will either bookmark it, or print it. I want everyone to know there's NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE!

This is really sad, anyone who would do this is very creul and has no love in their heart.
"Misty"

My name is Misty
I am but three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,
I must be stupid,
I must be bad,
What else could have made
Made my daddy so mad?
I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.
I can't speak at all
I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked up
All the day long.
When I awake I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren't home
When my mommy does come
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll get just
One whipping tonight.
Don't make a sound,
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie's Bar.
I hear him curse
My name he calls
I press myself
Against the wall
I try and hide
From his evil eyes
I'm so afraid now
I'm starting to cry
He finds me weeping
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.
He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And I run for the door.
He's already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.
I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.
"I'm sorry!", I scream
But its now much too late
His face has been twisted
Into unimaginable hate
The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!
And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor
My name is Misty
And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy
Murdered me.


There are thousands of kids out there just like Misty. And you can help. And please pass this poem on because as crazy as it might sound, it might just indirectly change a life. Hey, you NEVER know. PLEASE forward if YOU are against CHILD ABUSE!!!

The Ten Commandments for Parents


1) I will appreciate my children for who they are, not for who I want them to be!

2) I will relate to each child as an individual, instead of as "THE KID!"

3) I will take good care of myself as a person, and not live my life through my children!

4) I will acknowledge each and every little acceptable behaviour, not just the "biggies!"

5) I will give my children as many "FACTS" as I am able, and trust them to weigh these facts and make responsible decisions!

6) I will not allow my children to use or abuse me, for i know this will damage them!

7) Knowing that my children are on a short-term loan to me, I will introduce them to every possible responsibility, so that they won't be too shocked at "INDEPENDENCE!"

8) I will let my children know that I love them unconditionally, whether I like their decisions or not!

9) I will allow my children to face the consequences of their own actions and not constantly protect them, as I know I will want to do!

10) I will feel successful when I am no longer needed as a parent!


STOP USING ROAD BLOCKS!!!


Some road blocks are negative and very damaging!

1.) We criticize!
2.) We threaten!
3.) We blame and compare!
4.) We shame and embarrass!
5.) We namecall and label!
6.) We lecture and preach!
7.) We order, direct and command!


They hurt children, cause bad feelings, and start arguments and lead to loss of control.



Other roadblocks might seem less damaging but also raise doubts, create anxiety, deny feelings and stop communication.
1.) We reassure.
2.) We sympathize.
3.) We divert.
4.) We question.
5.) We offer unbelievable, "global" praise.
6.) We are too quick to suggest solutions to problems.


Even reassurance, sympathy, questioning, diversion and praise can cause bad feelings and low self-esteem.

Don't give solutions

Don't diagnose

Don't judge

Don't label

Don't preach

Don't lecture

Don't criticize

Don't shame

Don't name call

Don't compare

Don't blame


ROADBLOCKS AND HOW THEY SOUND


1.) CRITICIZING, JUDGING, BLAMING
You're being very careless.///This would not have happened if you had paid more attention.

2.) THREATENING, WARNING
3.) NAME CALLING, RIDICULING
Okay, little baby. You're acting like a spoiled brat.///

4.) LECTURING, PREACHING
When I was your age, I really had it tough.///College can be the most important decision you'll ever make.

5.) ORDERING, DIRECTING, DEMANDING
Don't talk to me that way! Clean up this mess right now! Stop crying!

6.) MORALIZING, PREACHING
You know better than to do something like that.///You don't realize the importance of studying.

7.) REASSURING, SYMPATHIZING
Don't worry, everyone goes through this.///You'll feel better tomorrow.

8.) DIVERTING, WITHDRAWING, DISTRACTING
Oh, let's not talk about it now, have a cookie. Did I tell you what happened to me yesterday? No one will notice your hair, your eyes are so pretty!

9.) QUESTIONING, PROBING, INTERROGATING
Why did you do such a thing? Who taught you that? Why don't the kids play with you?

10.) PRAISING, BUTTERING UP
You're too smart to worry about that...///Well, I think you're really beautiful.
11.) ADVISING, GIVING SOLUTIONS
You need to study harder, then you'll get better grades. Why don't you just play it their way; you'll have fun.

12.) INTERPRETING, ANALYZING
You don't really believe that, you're just jealous of your sister. You always want to bother me when I'm tired.


FEELING VOCABULARY


happy/sad
glad/asmamed
proud/upset
satisfied/dissatisfied
sure/uncertain
fair/confused
respected/cheated
warm/distant
accepted/worthless
courageous/afraid
brave/ejected
secure/inadequate
confident/irritated
comfortable/accused
trusted/attacked
assertive/blamed
important/unimportant
excited/deceived
honest/dishonest
encouraged/inefficient
sympathetic/indifferent
dependable/hated
independent/dependent
ambitious/guilty
patient/impatient
liked/disliked
responsible/irresponsible
content/unsettled
cheery/resentful
delighted/ignored
thrilled/disgusted
cherished/embarrassed
recognized/lonely
prized/lonely
needed/abandoned
wanted/lost
impressed/insulted
grateful/interrupted
understood/misunderstood


WHEN THE CHILD OWNS THE PROBLEM~


When the child's behaviour is related to those things they should have ownership of, i.e., their peer relationships, bodies (clothes, hair, etc.), school, room...

1. AVOID ROADBLOCKS~~ they are received as judgments and they lead to loss of control and low self-esteem.

2. LISTEN WITH AN ACCEPTING EAR~~Children need to know their feelings are acknowledged by parents. It's central to their concpet of well being.

Try silence
Listen with empathy
Restate or reflect back what the child has said, "You were rejected from the game..."
Give the feeling a name, "You're disappointed you weren't invited."
Find one word you can use to express interest, yet not judgment, "Oh", "really", "Hmmm", or "Tell me more."


3. LEAVE THE PROBLEM WITH THE CHILD~~Problem solving abilities start when the child knows that parents trust them to solve their own problems.


WHEN THE PARENT OWNS THE PROBLEM


When a child's behaviour interferes with your rights and dignity, costs you time or money (a need or a want), or threatens the child's health and safety...

DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE....
DESCRIBE HOW YOU FEEL....


If necessary, tell the child what needs to be done. When I'm trying to read and am disturbed, I feel deprived of any time alone. Please try and wait until 1:00 p.m." or "I'll be all yours in another 30 minutes."
4. Address the deed, not the doer; the behaviour, not the person.
5. Remember~There is a direct connection between the words you use and the way children feel about themselves and consequently, the way they behave.


WHEN YOU BOTH OWN THE PROBLEM

When family problems continue to cause conflict and you don't feel discipline is appropriate...

PROBLEM SOLVE:

1. DEFINE THE PROBLEM from BOTH points of view. Be an accepting listener.
2. BRAINSTORM SOLUTIONS. All suggestions count and are equally weighed. TRY TO AVOID ROADBLOCKS.
3. EVALUATE which solutions will work. You're looking for a WIN-WIN solution.
4. RE-EVALUATE if necessary. Congratulate yourselves on a job well done.


DISCIPLINE

When the skills mentioned above are ineffective over time and the child's behaviour interferes with the social order of the family, your rights and dignity or their health and safety, limit setting, giving choices and taking action are appropriate.

1. STATE THE LIMIT~~"No screaming."
OFFER A CHOICE~"You may tell me quietly what you need or choose to tell me later. You choose." or "You may tell me in quiet words or go to a different area of the house until you are ready. You choose."
2. TAKE THE ACTION~~"I see you chose not to be here now. I hope you'll return soon with quiet words."
3. Remember, the action should be related to the misbehaviour. LOVING DISCIPLINE IS FLEXIBLE AND FORGIVING.,br> 4. L-C-A works best with health and safety issues. Other issues can be handled by use of descriptive language and problem solving.


STRESS MANAGEMENT~~

Parents need ways to manage stress. Raising children is the most challenging job they will ever encounter.

1. Respect yourself and your own limits.
2. Learn to talk to yourself and about others IN A POSITIVE VOICE.
3. Ask yourself-Is this worth your children remembering 5 years from now that you fought over unimportant things?
4. Take time out for yourself--exercise, call friends to confer, find time to honour the things you love to do. If you don't treat yourself with respect, it's hard to treat others repectfully.

IF ALL ELSE FAILS, LISTEN TO OUR CHILDREN AND HUG THEM EVERY DAY.

101 WAYS TO PRAISE A CHILD


Awesome! Good! That's incredible! You're a treasure. I knew you could do it! Outstanding performance! You made my day. Super! Looking good! You're important! Superstar! What a good listener! Bingo! Hurray for you! Remarkble job! Way to go! You're on target. Nothing can stop you now! You make me laugh! You're a joy. You're incredible. You mean the world to me. Hip, Hip, Hurray! You're wonderful. You mean a lot to me. A+ job! Great discovery! Good for you! You're darling! Bravo! You're on your way! You're catching on! Creative job! Beautiful work! You're sensational! How nice! You've discovered the secret! You're fantastic! You're A-OK, my buddy! You're exciting! Remarkable! I like you! Outstanding! You're spectacular! Nice work! You figured it out! Neat! You're important! What an imagination! You're growing up! Beautiful sharing! That's correct! You're on top of it! You brighten my day! You've got a friend! Fantastic! Good job! How smart! You're beautiful! You are fun! You're a winner! Now you're flying! You're a real trooper! Now you've got it! Beautiful! I'm proud of you! You make me happy! Super work! You're precious! Magnificent! Fantastic job! Phenomenal! Terrific! Marvelous! Dynamite! You care! You're perfect! I trust you. Big hug! You're unique! Exceptional performance! You're special! You learned it right! You tried hard! That's the best! Excellent! You are responsible! Spectacular! A big kiss! I love you! Great! You belong! Well done! Hot dog! Super job! You're a good friend! I respect you! Wow!


you may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you."


101+ WAYS YOU CAN PREVENT CHILD ABUSE


AS A PARENT

Laugh with your child every day.
Keep a list of helpful phone numbers handy.
Make an effort to spend more quality time with your children.
Listen to and talk with your child.
Seek help if you have a problem.
Be a positive role model for your child.
When necessary, take time to cool down.
Compliment your child often.
Set basic rules and limits.
Monitor your child's telebvision, video, video game, and internet use.
Hug your child and tell them you love them.
Recognize that you are the most important person in your child's life---what you say to them and how you treat them determines how they feel about themselves. Learn tips on choosing appropriate day care providers.
Show your babies that you love them by holding, cuddling, and talking to them. Resist any urge to label or compare your child to another.
Teach your babies to trust you by paing a lot of attention to them and comforting them when they cry.
Learn and utilize household safety tips.
Notice the uniqueness of each child. Know who your child is spending time with and what they do.
Display your child's artwork on your refrigerator.
Read books and sing songs with your child.
Help your child develop a support system.
Creat a trusting, open relationship in which your child can talk to you about problems.
Encourage awareness and appropriate expression of feelings.
Tell your children how proud you are of them.


With the Local Media

Ask local media to help share the importance of child abuse prevention.
Write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper about the importance of child abuse prevention.
Get in touch with TV and cable stations to advocate for positive chidren's programming.


With Local Businesses


Ask local businesses to distribute fliers (ie. grocery stores, restuarants, and laundromats).
Ask local retailers to print a child abuse prevention message on their receipts, marquis, and their windows.
Ask local businesses to do special promotions or donate a portion of their sales to a child abuse prevention program.
Ask local medical offices, dentist offices or veterinarians to set up a display with parenting/child abuse prevention materials.
Encourage your local businesses to provide baby changing stations for both mothers AND fathers or parking spaces for expectant or new mothers.
Educate sales staff about the needs of parents.


With Parents


Give a hug or listen to a parent who needs support.
Mentor a parent who is struggling.
If you know a parent who is under stress, offer to give him/her a break from their children
Start a conversation with a parent in a public place (ie. a grocery store) who appears to be under stress to direct attention away from the child.
Give praise to parents and children who appear to be interacting in a positive way.
Give parenting packets at baby showers and as holiday gifts.
Avoid negative remarks or looks when a parent appears to be out of control---these reactions have a tendency to make matters worse.


With Children


Get involved when a child's well-being is at stake.
Request a speaker to talk to youth (ie Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, church youth groups)
Mentor a young person in your neighbourhood.
Drive carefully through areas where children may be playing or walking.
If you see a child left unattended, take action (ie. stay with the child until the parent returns, contact store manager, etc.)
Share a smile with a child.
Make a donation during significant events in a child's life to a child abuse prevention program (ie. birth, baptism, graduation, etc.)
Display children's posters, essays, and drawings on the topic of parenting/families in public places (ie. libraries, restaurants, or recreation centers).
Take time to enjoy the world with a child, from their perspective.


At Your Child's School or Daycare Center

Encourage your child's school to plan an activity to prevent child abuse and neglect.
Implement a fundraiser and donate the proceeds to a child abuse prevention program.
Ask your child's school or daycare center to send home parenting materials or blue ribbons in children's book bags.
Request a speaker on discipline, stress management, or child health care at your child's school PTA/PTO meeting or daycare center.
Promote self-esteem and positive conflict resolution programs in schools.
Help develop policy to prohibit corporal punishment in your child's school or others.
Have a conversation with your child care provider about appropriate care for your child.


As a Family


Post and do activities from a self-esteem or family fun calendar.
Eat dinner together.
Have family discussions on topics such as child abuse, making positive decisions, conflict resolution, and self-esteem. Attend your child's special school, music, or sports events.
Celebrate special occasions and accopmlishments of your child.
Let your child plan a fun day for the family.
Ask for your child's input on family decisions.
Have a family meeting each week to discuss family problems or concerns.
Express feelings in words, not with violence.
Take a "zero tolerance" stand against violence in your home.


In Your Community


Learn more about child abuse by attending a community seminar.
Volunteer at a local child serving agency.
Distribute parenting, child abuse prevention, or volunteer recruitment fliers.
Rally public officials and community leaders to support child abuse prevention efforts.
Establish a block watch or special neighbourhood group to increase awareness of children's safety issues.
Plan and implement a neighbourhood fundraiser and donate the proceeds to a child abuse prevention program (ie. garage sale or walk-a-thon).
Plan and implement a block party or children's festival to increase awareness of child abuse issues.
Adopt a needy family.
Encourage your local recreation center or library to create a study corner with materials on family issues, positive parenting, and child health care.
share information about child abuse and neglect with friends, family and neighbours.
Start a neighbourhood play group or parent support group.
Encourage your local law enforcement to sponsor forums to educate the community on long erm effects of abuse (ie. delinquency, crime, gangs, and teenage pregnancy).
Hold a town meeting or start a coalition to discuss child abuse and neglect prevention issues in your community.
During election time, cast your votes for candidates who have demonstrated genuine support for children and families.
report suspected child abuse or neglect to your local child protective services.
Create a community recognition process to honour people who have made a positive impact on a child's life.
Organize a babysitting network with trusted individuals in your neighbourhood.
Give a warm welcome to families who have just moved to your neighbourhood.
Report suspicious vehicles in your neighbourhood.


At Your Place of Worship


Ask your clergy to do a sermon on child abuse prevention.
Help with child care for a parent's night out or a parent meeting.
Insert a notice or flier in the church bulletin.
reuest an expert on parenting/child abuse to speak during the service or to a church group.
Display parenting materials.
Do a special activity on self-esteem in Sunday school classes.
Collect a special offering and donate to a child abuse prevention program.
Sponsor a parent support group or a free family activity.
Designate a "week of the family."
Adopt a child abuse prevention program/agency.
Adopt a needy family.


At Your Work Place


Display parenting materials and community resource information by the coffee machine or in lunch/break room.
Send a child abuse prevention message via e-mail or with paychecks.
Make an announcement at staff/departmental meetings.
Request a brown bag lunch speaker on parenting/child abuse prevention.
Plan and implement a fundraiser to help prevent child abuse (ie. "dress down day")
Write an article or request information to be put in your company's newsletter.
Sponsor a support group for parents at lunch or after work.
Adopt a program/agency or provide staff to tutor, mentor, or provide special activities for families. Encourage your employer to be family-friendly.
Sponsor or underwrite the cost of providing specialized training to community child abuse prevention volunteers.


TIPS FOR POSITIVE PARENTING

To Build Self-Acceptance


"Catch" your child being good.
Give praise for trying, not only for succeeding.
Include your child's opinions when making plans or decisions.
Give your child age-appropriate responsibilities so they feel useful.
Show your love. Say, "I love you;" give them hugs; have fun together.
Accept children for who they are. no one is perfect, not even you.
Encourage hopes, dreams and curiosity.


TO PROMOTE GOOD COMMUNICATION


Be honest and encourage your child to be honest with you.
Use good eye contact; stop and give them your attention.
Take time to LISTEN.
Use language your child understands.
Encourage them to ask questions for clarification.
Mistakes are part of learning. Admit your own mistakes and help your child admit theirs.



There's no such thing as a "BAD" child. Only bad behaviours or poor choices.



BEHAVIOUR MANAGEMENT

Make your child's life predictable:

1. Be consistent and fair with rules, expectations, and consequences.
2. Take your child's age and abilities into consideration.
3. Be sure ALL caretakers work together.
See to it that consequences for behaviours "fit the crime."
Allow "natural consequences" to take their course when possible.
Try to ignore inappropriate behaviours while focussing on positive ones.
Follow through on both rewards and consequences.
Rewards for positive behaviour can include:

1. extra or extended privileges (later bedtime, choosing family activity, etc.)
2. special time or attention from you.
3. increased independence.
REMEMBER: Rewards do not have to be big or cost a lot of money. Your time and attention are the best rewards.


ROLE MODEL BEHAVIOUR


By your actions, teach your child tolerance.
Set a good example. Children learn from HOW you act as well as by WHAT you say.
Treat children with the respect you wanted as a child.
Demonstrate appropriate ways to disagree, to be angry, or to be fearful.
Teach children problem-solving by letting them see how YOU do it.
REMEMBER: The way you care for yourself (hygiene, diet, dress, habits) directly influences your child.



STATISTICS

In 1998 approximately three million child abuse reports were made. (Prevent Child Abuse America, formerly NCPCA)

The actual incidence of child abuse and neglect is estimated to be three times greater than the number reported to authorities. (United States Department of Health and Human Services)

Child abuse kills more children under the age of four than do accidental falls and drownings, choking on food, suffocation, or fires in the home. (United States Department of Justice)

More than three children die each day as a result of maltreatment in the home. (Prevent Child Abuse America, formerly NCPCA)

Head trauma is the leading cause of child abuse death among babies. This includes Shaken Baby Syndrome in which 25% of the victims die and the majority of survivors suffer brain damage. (United States Department of Justice)
Nationwide, an estimated 84,320 new cases of child sexual abuse were accepted for service in 1997. (Prevent Child Abuse America, formerly NCPCA)




VICTIMS


Between 1995 and 1997, 78% of child abuse and neglect deaths were children under the age of five; 38% were children under one year of age. (Prevent Child Abuse America, formerly NCPCA)
Girls are sexually abused three times more often than boys; while boys are at greater risk of emotional neglect and serious physical injury. (Cornell University, Ithaca, NY)
Women sexually abused before age 18 have lower levels of interpersonal function and social adjustment and are less likely to form trusting relationships. (United States Department of Health and Human Services)
Abuse and neglect have become one of the biggest threats to the lives of infants and small children in America. (Child Abuse and Neglect in the United States, Published April 1995, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Advisory Board on Child Abuse and Neglect; figures from the National Safety Council and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.)



PERPETRATORS


Substance abuse, lack of parental skills, poor understanding of a child's normal development path, young maternal age, poverty, and a history of domestic violence are common indicators for the occurrence of child abuse. (Prevent Child Abuse America, formerly NCPCA)
An estimated one-half of all homes with adult violence also involve child abuse and neglect. (United States Department of Justice Child Abuse in America)
Child molestation remains a crime most often perpetrated by relatives and acquaintances, rather than children or step-children, the majority of whom were age 12 or younger. (United States Department of Justice)
More than half the child victims of rape or sexual assault are age 12 or younger. (United States Department of Justice)


WHAT ARE THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF ABUSE AND THEIR REPERCUSSIONS ON A CHILD?
~*~Abuse type~*~: Physical Abuse
Physical Indicators: Unexplained bruises and welts~~on torso, back, buttocks, thighs, or face; identifiable shape of object used to inflict injury (belt, electrical cord, etc.); appear with regularity after absence, weekend or vacation. Unexplained burns~~on soles of feet, palms, back, buttocks, or head; hot water/immersion burns (glove-like, sock-like, or doughnut-shaped burn on buttocks or genitals); Unexplained fractures or dislocations; bald patches on scalp.
Behavoioural Indicators: Child states he/she "deserves" punishment; fearful when others cry; behavioural extremes~~aggression, withdrawal; frightened of parents or caretakers; afraid to go home; child reports injury by parents or caretaker; inappropriate/immature acting out; needy for affection; manipulative behaviours to get attention; tendency toward superficial relationships; unable to focus, daydreaming; self-abusive behaviour or lack of concern for personal safety; wary of adult contact.

~*~Abuse Type~*~: PHYSICAL NEGLECT
Physical Indicators: Not meeting basic needs~~food, shelter, clothing; failure to thrive~~underweight, small for age; consistent hunger; poor hygeine; inappropriate dress for season or weather; consistent lack of supervision; unattended physical problems or medical needs; abandonment.
Behavioural Indicators: Begging or stealing food; early arrival to or late departure from school; frequent visits to the school nurse; difficulty with vision or hearing; poor coordination, often tired or falling asleep in class; takes on adult roles and responsibilities; substance abuse; acting out behaviour; child verbalizes a lack of caretaking.

~*~Abuse Type~*~: SEXUAL ABUSE
Physical Indicators: Difficulty walking or sitting; torn, stained, or bloody undergarments; pain, swelling, or itching in genital areas; pain when urinating; bruises, bleeding or tears around the genital area; sexually transmitted diseases~~herpes, crabs, vaginal warts, gonorrhea, syphilus, HIV, AIDS; excessive masturbation.
Behavioural Indicators: Unwilling to change for gym or participate in P.E. activities; sexual behaviour or knowledge inappropriate to the child's age; sexual acting out on younger children; poor peer relations; delinquent or runaway behaviour; report of sexual assault; drastic change in school performance; sleep disorders, nightmares; eating disorders; agression; withdrawal, fantasy, infantile behaviour; self-abusive behaviour or lack of concern for personal safety; substance abuse; repetitive behaviours~~handwashing, pacing, rocking

~*~Abuse Type~*~: EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT
Physical Indicators: Speech disorders~~stuttering, baby talk, unresponsiveness; failure to thrive~~underweight, small for age; hyperactivity. Behavioural Indicators: Learning disabilities; habits~~sucking, biting, rocking; sleep disorders; poor social skills; extreme reactions to common events; unusually fearful; overly compliant behaviours~~unable to set limits; suicidal thoughts or actions, self-abusive; difficulty following rules or directions; child expects to fail, so does not try.


CHILD ABUSE

The following statements apply to all children and minors as defined by individual state law.

Forms and Definitions:

~*~Physical Abuse~*~ non-accidental injury to a child.
This includes hitting, kicking, slapping, burning, pinchin, hairpulling, biting, choking, throwing, shoving, whipping, paddling.

~*~Emotional Abuse~*~ any attitude or behaviour which interferes with a child's mental health or social development.
This includes yelling, sreaming, name-calling, shaming, negative comparisons to others, telling a child they are "bad" or "no good" or "worthless" or "a mistake."

~*~Sexual Abuse~*~ any sexual act between an adult and child for the gratification of the adult.
This includes fondling, penetration, intercourse, exploitation, pornography, exhibitionism, child prostitution, group sex, oral sex, or forced observation of sexual acts.

~*~Neglect~*~ PHYSICAL==failure to provide for a child's physical needs.
This includes lack of supervision, inappropriate housing or shelter, inadequate provision of food, inappropriate clothing for season or weather, abandonment, denial of medical care, inadequate hygiene.
EMOTIONAL==failure to provide for the physical and intellectual well-being of a child.
This includes ignoring, lack of appropriate physical affections (hugz), not saying, "I love you," withdrawal of attention, lack of praise, lack of positive reinforcement.


IF YOU SUSPECT A CHILD IS BEING ABUSED:

1. Contact your local child protection agency.
2. Suspicion of abuse is all that is necessary to file a report.
3. Your information can be given anonymously.
4. Information which will be most helpful when filing a report: the child's name, age, address, gender, school attended (if known), and the names of the parents.
5. Upon receiving your information, the child welfare agency will determine the appropriate course of action according to individual state law.

Should you have difficulty finding the reporting number for your area or require additional assistance, please contact CHILDHELP USA'S National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD. REMEMBER: The safety and welfare of the child is the most important thing.


SURVIVOR: One who continues to live or exist despite traumatic life events.


Someone who is an adult survivor of childhood abuse may experience: flashbacks, depression, anxiety, self-destructive thoughts and feelings, anger, shame, eating disorders, dysfunctional relationships, dissociations, drug abuse, or poor decision-making skills, poor ability to set limits, sexual identity crisis, trust issues, or other destructive feelings, actions, or reactions.

If any of the above are affecting your life, there IS help available. It is important to seek the support and assistance of professionals who specialize in survivor issues. These professionals would include psychiatrists, psychologists, counselours, and therapist-led support groups. Peer support groups are also available in many areas.

Additional things you can do to help yourself:
1) Be sure you are safe.
2) Remind yourself that the abuse happened in the PAST, it is not happening to you NOW.
3) Make a decision that you deserve to feel better.
4) Build a support system of family, friends, and/or community.
5) Write in a journal.
6) Identify relaxation techniques for yourself. (deep breathing, soft music, warm bath, imagery, yoga, etc.)
7) Take care of your basic needs (eat, sleep, be safe).
8) Physical activity: walk, exercise, dance, etc.
9) Avoid people and situations that are not helpful.
10) Do not "beat yourself up" with words or actions.
11) Allow positive thoughts to enter in.
12) Use non-destructive, creative, emotional outlets (drawing, painting, clay, dance, etc.)
REMEMBER: IF YOU NEED MORE INFORMATION OR ASSISTANCE, CHILDHELP'S HOTLINE IS AVAILABLE 24 HOURS A DAY Call 1-800-4-A-CHILD


Self Help/Adult Survivor* Booklist


THE COURAGE TO HEAL (also) BEGINNING TO HEAL by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass~~Identifying feelings and aspects of surviving abuse.
DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF by Richard Carson~~Practical approach to problem solving (light reading).
SENSIBLE SELF HEALING by David and Rebecca Grudemeyer and Lerissa Nancy Patrick~~Seven steps to self-healing.
WOMEN AND SELF-ESTEEM by Linda Tschirhat Sanford and Mary Ellen Donovan~~In-depth, lengthy information on what is self-esteem and how to improve it.
*SAFE PASSAGE TO HEALING by Chrystine Oksana~~Surviving ritual abuse. *IT'S NOT OK ANYMORE by Greg Enns and Jan Black~~Workbook format, healing past abuse.
*CONSPIRACY OF SILENCE by Sandra Butler~~Collection of personal accounts, how abuse affects self and others.
*WHY ME? by Lynn Daugherty~~Admitting and accepting past abuse.
*BETRAYAL OF INNOCENCE by Susan Forward and Craig Buck~~Types of incest and how to heal.
*CHILDREN OF TRAUMA by Jane Middletown-Moz~~Rediscovering your inner-self after abuse.
*VICTIMS NO LONGER by Mike Lew~~For male survivors.
*MALE SURVIVORS by Tim Sanders~~12 steps to recovery/healing
*RITUAL ABUSE by Margaret Smith~~What it is, why it happens, how to help and heal.
*UNCHAINED MEMORIES by Lenore Terr~~8 true stories of abuse survivors.
FEELINGS BURIED ALIVE NEVER DIE by Karol Truman~~Identifying emotions and how to deal with them.
YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE by Louise Hay~~Positive thinking and self-discovery.
*BROKEN BOYS, MENDING MEN by Stephen Grubman-Black~~Healing of male survivors.
*DOUBLE DUTY by Claudia Black~~Factual information for survivors.
*GHOSTS IN THE BEDROOM by Ken Graber~~For partners of adult survivors.
THE ANGER WORKBOOK by Lorraine Bilodeau~~Anger management and expression.
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen~~Simple, common sense advice for daily living (easy reading).
RAPID RELIEF FROM EMOTIONAL DISTRESS by Gary Emery and James Campbell~~3-step approach to acceptance A-C-T.
I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE EVERYTHING ALL BETTER by Gary and Joy Lundberg~~Helping yourself help others without losing yourself.
KEEPING LIFE SIMPLE by Karen Levine~~500 tips for simplifying your life.
FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY by Susan Jeffers~~Take that first step encouragement.


PARENTING READING LIST

POSITIVE PARENTING FROM A TO Z by Karen Renshaw Joslin~~Practical guide, questions and answers 2-12 years (easy reading)
1-2-3 MAGIC by Thomas Phelan~~Three-step formula for discipline, 2-12 years
DR. SPOCK'S BABY AND CHILD by Benjamin Spock and Michael Rothenberg~~guide to development of infants and young children
COMMON SENSE PARENTING by Raymond Burke and Ron Herran~~based on the principles of Boy's Town, 5-18 years (easy reading)
RAISING GOOD CHILDREN by Thomas Lickona~~Examples of parenting from infants through adolescents.
HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN/HOW TO LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK by Adele Farber and Elaine Mizlish~~Information and examples, 10-18 years.
TEEN TIPS by Tom McMahon~~Practical guide for surviving the teen years (easy reading)
THE COMPLETE SINGLE MOTHER by Andrea Enger~~Overview of being a single parent (includes fathers, time management, etc.)
THE PARENT'S JOURNAL GUIDE TO RAISING GREAT KIDS by Bobbie Connor~~Situation/solution format, informative.
DAY BY DAY ACTIVITY BOOK by Susan Ohanian~~365 ideas for having fun with your children (easy reading)

CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION AFTERMATH
THE SILENT CHILDREN by Linda Sanford~~Parenting guide about abuse, prevention, and development (easy reading)
CHILLY STOMACH by Jeanette Caines~~Story for young children, teaches them to honour their feelings and tell adult (easy reading)
JUST BEFORE DAWN by Jan Hindman~~To help families and therapists with sexual abuse issues
SPIDERS AND FLIES by Donald Hillman~~Guide for parents and teachers of sexually abused children
THE TROUBLE WITH SECRETS by Karen Johnson~~How to help children deal with and talk about abuse.
CHILD LURES by Ken Wodden~~What parents should know about preventing abuse and abduction.
THE MOTHER'S BOOK: HOW TO SURVIVE THE MOLESTATION OF YOUR CHILD by Carolyn M. Byerly~~On feelings of parents and children, legal options, etc.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE FOR BEGINNERS by Alissa Deltufo~~ simple terms, examples (easy reading)
BREAKING FREE by Jerry Brinegar~~Brief overview of how to get out of an abusive relationship.
VIOLENT NO MORE~~for men who batter and want to stop.

ADDICTION AND RECOVERY
MANY ROADS, ONE JOURNEY by Charlotte Davis Kasi~~Beyond the 12 steps, lengthy (medium - difficult reading)
THE RECOVERY BOOK by Al Mooney, Arlene and Howard Eisenberg~~Overview of recovery, question and answer format.
A.A.; A SIMPLE PROGRAM by Bill Pittman~~update of original Alcoholics Anonymous charter.
DON'T CALL IT LOVE by Dr. Patrick Carnes~~For recovering sex abuse addicts.

HEALTH RELATED
AIDS: THE FACTS by John Langone; (also)
AIDS: TRADING FEAR FOR FACTS by Karen Hein and Theresa Foy~~data and information on AIDS (easy reading)
NO TIME TO WAIT by Nick Slano~~Guide for care and living with HIV ALZHEIMER'S by Howard Greutzer~~The caregiver's sourcebook, informative.
OTHER:
IS IT A CHOICE? by Eric Marcus~~300 questions about gay and lesbian issues (easy reading)




SHAKEN BABY SYNDROME


Definition: The manual shaking of an infant in a whiplashing motion, usually while the child is being held by the shoulders or torso. Due to an infant's immature brain and weak neck muscles, this action causes the brain to slam against the skull. Possible results may include death, brain damage, paralysis, seizures, blindness, deafness, mental retardation, ADD, motor dysfunction, learning and developmental disabilities. There are often no external physical signs of trauma (bruises, skull fractures, swelling).
Symptoms may resemble the flu.

DO:
~*~Support an infant's neck and head.
~*~Choose caregivers carefully (know how they play with children; know how they respond to children's needs and behaviours.)
~*~Learn positive methods of coping with children's behaviours and moods.

DON'T:
~*~DON'T EVER SHAKE A BABY!
~*~DON'T take your stress out on your child.
~*~DON'T shake a baby as a means of first aide (to check alertness; to prevent vomitting or choking; to aide in breathing.)

REMEMBER:
Crying is one of the main ways an infant communicates its needs. While this can be frustrating, remember the child is not purposefully trying to make your life miserable.


Helpful Suggestions May Include:
1. Check for basic needs (food, diaper, illness, pain, colic)
2. Rock or walk while holding the baby close
3. Massage the baby's back.
4. Offer a toy, pacifier or other distraction.
5. Sing or play soft music.
6. Take the baby for a ride (stroller, car)
7. Put the baby in a wind-up swing
8. Wrap the baby gently in a warm, soft blanket.
9. Call a friend or relative for more suggestions, to keep you company, or to give you a break.
10. Walk away if necessary, put the child in a safe place, and check on them every five minutes as you regain control.
11. If crying occurs without cause and over an extended time period, check with your pediatrician.

If you are frustrated and need support, please feel free to contact CHILDHELP USA's National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD. The hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, seven days a week.




WHY A CHILD DOES NOT TALK ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE
It is hard enough for an adult to talk about sexual abuse. For a child it is even harder. Some of the reasons are:
1. The child is physically, financially, or emotionally dependant on the abuser. 2. The abuser has threatened the child's safety or that of the family.
3. The child blames himself or herself for what happened.
4. The child has been taught that adults are right and assumes responsibility for the abuse.
5. The child fears no one will believe him or her because the abuser is a family member or an adult.
6. The child believes sexual issues should not be discussed.
7. The child does not have the words to explain what happened.
8. The abuser tells the child that the parents will no longer love the child if the abuser is revealed.


AS PARENTS, ALWAYS:
Keep lines of communication open.
Do not judge.
Use understandable words.
Teach your children to say no, get away. Get them to tell someone they trust if there is a problem.
Remember it is not their fault.





If you or someone you know may be a victim of abuse, there is help! Dial 1-800-4-A-CHILD. The service is free, confidential, and available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you need the hearing impaired line, it's 1-800-2-A-CHILD. I speak from experience when I say these men and women are wonderful to talk to. Don't hesitate to call them, they can help you and are willing to! That's why they are there!





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