This candle was added in loving memory by her daddy, William Carlos Hester.







As most of you already know, I was going to have a baby on the 20th of February 1999. Well, unfortunately, she was born on the 11th of October 1998, at 6:59 p.m., Eastern Standard Time, at Mercy Hospital in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. My beautiful baby was a girl, and we named her Brittanney Nichole Hester. She was still born, and weighed only 8oz. No, that is not a typo, that is 8 ounces, and she was only 8 3/4 inches long(22 centimeters in length).


Basically what happened was this: I found out I was pregnant in July, I was 9 weeks along when I found out. At first, I was not happy, because I wasn't ready emotionally, or financially for a child, and the father and I weren't getting along, and we had shortly broke up after I moved out. So, I wasn't ready, and I felt ashamed and hurt that my child would have to be brought into the world, to a mommy that was not doing too great with things going on. I love my child very very much, and although I was not a very happy person at first, I eventually grew to understand that God was in control, and left it up to Him. Well, He is a mysterious being indeed. He gave me the strength to get through the pregnancy, and gave me and the baby good health, and gave me Carlos who at the time was not only my significant other, but he was my best friend as well. We met on the computer, and when I told him what had happened with the father breaking up, and me being pregnant, and lost as to what to do, he offered to help me raise the baby and take care of her. Somehow I knew that I was having a girl, I wanted a girl anyways.


Well, Carlos eventually moved to Pittsburgh, and things were going real good, there were a few problems, mommy getting an infection, and being treated for that, and then getting a severe migraine and having to have a shot of Demerol to make the pain somewhat go away. Well, after that, things were going real good. I got a job as a nanny for 2 kids, Carlos and I were inseparable, and all my dr's visits were exciting and filled with good news that the baby was healthy and progressing well.


On the 23rd of September 1998, Carlos and I had a very exciting appointment, our baby's first pictures, an ultrasound. Well, everything looked great, and then the technician said she wanted to go develop the prints she had saved, and another tech would come in shortly to look over the sonar. Carlos and I just passed it off as she missed something on the baby and would leave it to the other tech to try and get a better picture. So, the second tech came into the room, and was doing more pictures, and then they were talking about the baby. I could tell something was wrong, but I didn't want to admit it to myself, nor did I want to worry Carlos. So, I let them do their thing, and they told us that the Doctor would come in and talk to us shortly. That really scared us both.


So, we waited patiently for the doctor to come in, and when he did, he took a look at the screen and told us that as far as he could see there was something wrong with the baby. At the mention of this, I got really frightened, and I just lay there on the table, not able to speak at first. Carlos held my hand, and I could tell he was crying. I tried to fight the tears, but they have a mind of their own and came anyways. I just told myself that this doctor was insane, and that I didn't hear him right. He didn't just tell me there was something wrong with my child! That couldn't be right! Everything was going so well, and now this?! I just kind of choked out my question, and didn't like the answer I got. I just lay there and whimpered, "did you say there is nothing wrong with my baby, or there IS something wrong with my baby?" He told me that he was terribly sorry, and that there was something wrong with the baby. Carlos and I broke down right there, and as they were cleaning the jell off me, they said that they were going to call Dr. Waetjen (my obstetrician at Magee Women's Hospital in Pittsburgh...And Dr. Waetjen, if you are reading this, thank you for taking such good care of me during the time I was going to you for prenatal visits...And thank you for being so compassionate with the horrible news you had to share with Carlos and I. God bless you.) and she would talk to us about what our options were, and what an anencephaly meant.


Dr. Waetjen told us that the 3 options she had were to get an abortion, HELL NO, induce labour right away, or to wait it out till the due date. Well, being I don't believe in abortion, I couldn't understand why she would say such a thing. I loved my obstetrician, and although I could tell she didn't want to tell me those things, I didn't like the idea that she would suggest me getting an abortion. That couldn't be done. Brittanney still had a heart beat, and as far as I am concerned, once the baby is conceived, that is still a LIFE, and I could NOT just take her life like that. How horrid. So, I just asked if we could think this through and get back to her on it, and she said she had no problem with that. So, Carlos and I went home, and cried together, and talked it out. I told him I was NOT getting an abortion, there was NO WAY IN HELL that was going to happen, so I just tried to find a different hospital to go to, that doesn't do abortions. A difficult task, let me tell you! Well, I got a hold of a lady I have gone to church with a few times, and she gave me the name of a good obstetrician at Mercy Hospital, in downtown Pittsburgh, a good Catholic hospital. This couldn't have come at a better time, I was converting to Catholicism, and I thought that would be the best thing. Unfortunately, I had to break the news to my obstetrician at Magee, another hard task, because she seemed more of a friend to me than anything. So, I called her, I had kept in touch with her here and there as it was, trying to find some how to save my baby's life. I was willing to even go to the far reaches of the universe to get my baby's life saved, but it couldn't be done...


Anencephaly means the baby's brain didn't develop fully in the first few weeks of pregnancy, and that the baby's brain had just enough to keep the heart and lungs, and basic body functions such as reflexes going. There is no kind of treatment, no surgeries, or anything that can be done to reverse this problem, and most babies with this condition either die in utero, or, they don't survive much longer after birth, if carried to term. My Brittanney was born 4 months early, and was stillborn....


On Saturday night, early Sunday morning, I was having pains in my back, and some in my lower abdominal area. I told Carlos, and he got worried, and I told him that I wanted him to go get my roommate, so she could bring me out to Mercy, to see what was wrong. He got REAL worried then. Well, the pains were slightly backing off, so I figured it was something that I may have ate for dinner that the baby didn't like, and didn't agree with me, so it was just a minor stomach cramp. So, I told him don't worry, I would try to sleep it off and see how I felt in the morning, but if I still felt this bad, I wanted to go in and get looked at just in case.


He and I fell asleep, and later on that morning, while we were watching the telly, I started getting them AGAIN. So, I went upstairs to the bathroom, and checked what was wrong. On the tissue, I saw this awful sickening brown mucus stuff, and I knew from previous pregnancies, that is BAD when the baby isn't due yet for several months. I got scared and called the emergency room, and the nurse told me to get down there immediately to be evaluated, that it didn't sound good. Well, I told Carlos, and we went to the hospital. They took me up to the labour and delivery ward, as I was over 20 weeks into the pregnancy, and got me hooked up to the monitors. The doctor came in shortly after that, and did some poking and prodding, doctor stuff, and said that it didn't look good, that my body was going into labour, and it would be dangerous to both myself and the baby if he was to try and stop the labour from continuing.


4 1/2hours later, Brittanney Nichole Hester was born. Carlos was with me the entire time. One of the nurses there, Bonnie, told me that she went through a similar experience, and that she felt my pain. She said she had baptized my baby for me, and when she told me this, Carlos and I thought she was a Nun, but she said that in cases like this, you can do a conditional baptism, which is what she did. I can't thank her enough, nor can I thank the rest of the staff enough for putting up with me that day, and being so wonderful when the baby died. I have 3 pictures of her, and when I can get access to a scanner, I will have them put on here. She was small enough to fit in the palm of Carlos's hand, and weighed only 8oz. She is so beautiful, and even though she is so tiny, I know God is taking care of her right now, as we speak, she is whole, she is healthy, and she is safe.


I just want to thank my friends and family, and the hospital staff at Magee and Mercy for being so kind and compassionate through this whole thing. I thank God for His infinite wisdom and love, and although I don't understand why He took Brittanney, I know He is taking care of her. I also thank God for Carlos, for being there for me when I needed him, for putting up with me when I got into my crabby moods, and for holding me when I need to be held. I know things didn't work out for us in the end, but I am still thankful that he was there. God bless you, Carlos.




*******************To Our Sweet Brittanney********************






God's Littlest Angel



Mommy and Daddy don't cry for me.
To walk the earth was not meant to be.
I'm in God's house you see.
I watch over you every day.
I know that you love me in a very special way.
You wanted me to be healthy and whole,
So you had to let me go.
You will get to see me every day
As you look at the children who past your way.

I may be the little boy with the dimple in his chin
Or the little girl with the golden curl.
You will know what you did is right Because
When you look in the sky on a clear star filled night,
I will be the star that is shining so bright.
I love you Mommy and Daddy good night.


Dear Brittanney,
I know that God has you in Heaven with Him and your brother. I know that He loves us all, and He is taking care of you for mommy, and I want you to know that Mommy loves you very much. Right now, I hope you are with the Blessed Mother, and Jesus, looking out for Mommy. I am trying to be a good person here, so I can be with you and Wolfie later, when God wants me to come Home. When I first found out about you, I was angry, not with you, but with myself. Your biological father had not been a very nice person to me, and when I found out I had got pregnant by him, I was so angry with myself, because I had tried to kill myself 3 days before. I felt like a bad parent, and when the doctor reassured me that you would be okay, I got happy again, and was real excited that God gave you to me. I wanted to be a good mother to you, I spent long hours thinking about you, and when I met your daddy, I couldn't have been happier. He loves you, too, and he misses you as much as I do. We know that God loves you, and He is keeping you safe, and we are glad that you are with Him, not having to go through all the pain and suffering here on the Earth. One day, God will call us to Him, and we will be with you. And when that day comes, I will be so happy, I will be with you and Wolfie, and your Great-Grandpa. I want you to know that I tried so hard to keep you safe, I cried so hard when I found out that you weren't going to be with us. I guess God decided you should be with Him, so He could take care of you, because mommy was having problems, and she was trying to work through them. I know that God had a reason for calling you to Heaven, and although I don't know that reason, nor do I understand, I will just leave it up to Him, and let Him do what He feels is the best thing. Daddy and I love you, Brittanney, and we will see you again someday.

Love always,
Mommy



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This award was given to me by Ben's Mommy...Thank you, Pauline!!!