Stress Relief
Jessie Clawson Style (Be Afraid)
                    by Zanymars

For anyone (including dummies, boyfriends and brothers’ best buds)) who are stressed out beyond belief & should have known better than to be in a stressful situation in the first place.

YES!! This instructive manual of information is for those of you who suffer from STRESS!! Yes stress! These unique techniques have been thoroughly and completely tested by our own Jessie Clawson of the MegaKat City Enforcers!!!…sorta!

((again, not going into technicalities))

Specially those who also had the misfortune and the lack of common sense to jump into a Jessie fight and witness the antics of our friendly neighborhood workaholic, kamikaze, tempered, NRA prez. she-kat! (of both Kats)

((Trust me those of you who didn’t, they need to relieve some stress))

Here it is!… the big book of stress relief…. Jessie Style!…. What’s behind stress?… thought you’d never ask!… Stress can be caused by minor things… say like… having your arsenal stock emptied… to major things… like having to hurt your boyfriend without knowing… doing exams for two months straight ((personal experience here))….or just plain stress for no reason ((also personal experience here!)).

This book is for all of you out there who suffer from stress!… you know.. that annoying little thing that keeps you from sleeping… that leads you to drink huge amounts of coffee (caffeine addicts such as Jess and myself not included of course)… that makes you stalk around your house in the wee hours of the night thinking that something is up and not knowing just what….

Have no fear!… after extensive studies and tries we have come up with the perfect solutions to relieve you of your stress!!!

First off: target the reason of your stress. How to do that?

Take a huge bazooka and aim. But stop…don’t fire!!!… That’s just to let you put it in perspective… thought a bazooka would look better than a magnifying glass. Why can’t you use the bazooka?… because it’s not as efficient as the techniques in this book that’s why!… why else would you be reading this?… ((don’t answer)).

What’s the reason?… doesn’t matter really does it?… this book’s techniques are for all!….. why the bazooka aiming thing then?… just to let you have some fun!… everyone likes to play soldier once in a while!

Now let’s get serious. ((Stop snickering out there!))

Here’s a list of thing to do during you day to relieve stress. If these don’t work. We have additional suggestions after it for those extreme cases out there and Jessie fight victims. But first… make sure your insurance is paid up and covers everything…..

Get out of the bed and get changed and go about your morning activities. None of which would involve beauty products. Most this involves strapping down huge amounts of guns and yadda to yourself and hope no one sets of a fireworks near you.

Eat breakfast. But don’t finish it. Halfway through get out to stop a catastrophe about to happen in the city. Preferably life threatening!.. That’s an important factor if you want to recover from stress!

Don’t even think of calling backup no matter how big the foe is.

Start the battle! En guard! Hiya!…whoa!… eheh… got carried away there…

Get an injury or two, the more serious the better!

Scare the heck out of your brother, boyfriend and best friend’s brother when they show up and find you half-dead but still fighting.

Get kidnapped by a slimy lizard Kat. Make it a point to have him wrap his tail around you. Don’t you forget that!

Insult the lizard Kat as he ties you down with his mutated ‘pets’.

Free yourself as the cavalry arrives and end up BEING the cavalry. And all through get teased for having his tail wrapped around you and that he might have a crush on you while you insist he is trying to crush you.

Go home and deny having any injuries.

Get discovered and forced into the infirmary.

Whether you stayed there or were sent home. Sneak back out.

Finish off whoever put you there in the place, and get even more injuries!… hey! ..the more injuries the more attention you’d get!…*wink*

Get the job done and go home after being chewed up by your worried brother, boss, friend, and brother’s best friend. Heck, if you’re really good at the job, they might just tranq you!

A more gentle chewing up from the boyfriend afterwards in private.

Now you’re ready for bed and a stress devoid sleep!

What? Can you keep the lights on? Whatever for? But fine.. keep 'em on if it makes you feel better… don’t forget to survive….. ehem…. go through this program everyday!…. ((psst…if you do survive send me how… even I don’t know!))

Still feeling stressed are we?… tsk tsk… you poor kats!  Again, have no fear! We have even more tips to throw in throughout the calm uneventful day we’ve planned for you in the previous list, so rejoice!

Go visit your brother and his best friend and find out they’re vigilantes, and your boss… kinda… wants them in custody!

Find out how many secret hideouts your archenemy has. Preferably, get caught in the process.

Get stalked by a serial killer and thrown into an alternate dimension in the process.

Put yourself as a target for said serial killer.

Have your brother mutate into…. Something.

Go in hand to hand combat with your other dimensional counterpart.

Stay as far the hell away as you can from a Jessie fight. Jet packs recommended for faster evacuation of the site for when in fight or flight mode. We recommend flight mode even though Jessie recommends fight mode. But I’m the writer so there!

Start talking to yourself. This would lead to you being thrown into an asylum. And if you’re a good little loony we might send you an invitation to Crazy Land ©. At least they keep you drugged so you don’t have to deal with the stress!

Nearly drown and have your boyfriend save or visa versa and then spend the evening beside a fire on the beach. Don’t forget to inject some relaxing atmosphere by having a disaster scheduled right after. Don’t want you stressed now do we?

Be the centerpiece of target practice. Especially in a battle. Red and white or black and white bulls eye luminous shirts optional though recommended.

Jump out of a window. Minimum of 8 floors up. Parachutes not required.

Get transported at least once a month to the past to fight huge prehistoric beasts. Preferably if you have no idea how to come back.

 

Now, after all that you are set for a relaxing and soothing night and evening. Wouldn’t you say? Oi! Why are you cowering in your bed and under the covers with all the lights on?… taptap… Hun, you’re too stressed… you must not have read the instructions very well have you, you naughty kitten!

After all this testing. Where do we find out tester, Jessie?…. in the most stressful situation ever. A quiet dinner with her boyfriend. Working yourself up to get more stressed and try out your methods again are you Jessie?….

Eheh… I wonder how fast I can run across the ocean with my life……..

And by the way! Don’t forget  the more of these you do the more…. Insane…. I mean…eheh… the more RELAXED you get!

Regards from the writer/editor/copywriter/etc….etc…etc….

Vex/AKA/Monia/AKA/Zanymars etc etc etc

© 2001

Martian Publications.

P.O.Box, The lighter side of Mars.

Post code, fourth rock from the sun. ((you know, the red one))

Email: zanymars@hotmail.com

The End?… probably not!

PS:

If anyone actually survived this and is not Jessie. I congratulate you with all my heart!