Selfish
by Liza

Selfish. Whatever I want, I get. Maybe not at my first try, but eventually. Everything goes my way, all the time. That's just the way it is.

Selfish. It's always been about me. When it came to dating all the countless girls I've dated, it was about what I could get from them, how I could benefit. How I'd just use them for physical pleasure. How being seen with them would intensify my reputation as the ladies' man. Everything goes my way, all the time. That's just the way it is.

Selfish. When Rory first came to Chilton, making her life hell was all about me. It was about how I had to keep up appearances. It was about how I had the social power to do whatever I wanted and influence this girl's school life. It was about intimidating her, and making me look "better" in the process. Everything goes my way, all the time. That's just the way it is. Selfish. When I saw her with Dean at the dance, all I could feel about hurt. I was blind to her happiness to be with him, I was blind to how much they obviously cared for each other. All I could think about was how she could have chosen someone like him... someone like him over me. I did the only thing I could; I ruined it for them. Everything goes my way, all the time. That's just the way it is.

Selfish. I couldn't stop being a complete jerk to Rory. I couldn't because being anything but a jerk would open me up to feelings and thoughts that I didn't want to have. Feelings and thoughts that were dangerous to me, to the person I had made myself up to be. So I went on the way I did, because that's the only way I know how to. I refused to acknowledge the hurt, the anger, and the dislike that was sometimes clearly shown in her eyes. Because seeing that would kill me, and make me worse that I already was. Maybe everything doesn't go my way all the time.

Selfish. When we kissed, I felt like everything was right in the world. Like every piece of my heart that I had ruthlessly crushed, every single piece that had lain in pieces had been mended together. I wanted to hold her close, and kiss her forever just so I would feel that way for the rest of my life. Complete. That's what I felt. And when she tore her sweet lips away from mine, it was as though she took away my lifeline. All I wanted to do was run after her, pull her close and bask in that feeling of completion again. But I didn't. Because I couldn't. Because I knew that she still liked Dean. Maybe everything doesn't go my way all the time.

Selfish. I went out with Paris only because she had asked me to. I would have done anything at that point, anything to change her opinion of me. Anything to make her see that I wasn't who she thought I was. And when things got sour with Paris, I wanted to comfort her, protect her and tell her that Paris didn't matter. I wanted to tell her so badly that she was the one I've had in my heart for so long. I wanted her to look in my eyes and see everything I feel for her reflected in them. But... everything doesn't go my way all the time. Selfish. I wanted her for myself, at least for one night. It was a foolproof plan, or so I thought. I didn't count on her turning me down. I didn't count on Dean coming to Chilton. I didn't count on hearing Rory declare her love for him right there. I didn't count on seeing them kiss. I didn't count on witnessing my heartbreak into a million tiny pieces. But nothing goes my way. Not when it comes to love. Especially when it comes to Rory Gilmore.

Selfish. Because at the end of it all, I just want her love for myself.

Finis