Odessa Vol. 2 Issue 1

TALIBAN MISUNDERESTIMATES BUSH
Omar Fails To Receive Subliminabable Messages
By Baron Vince

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN-Taliban spiritual leader Mullah Omar released a statement Friday admitting that the ruling regime may have “Misunderestimated the capability of [American President] George W. Bush to blast us to tiny pieces.”

This admission comes after American forces succeeded in destroying yet another of the Taliban’s never ending “front lines”. To add insult to injury, the Taliban is losing strategic bases like wildfire to the Northern Alliance, a group of the “real” Afghans.

Meanwhile at the White House, Omar’s statement was received warmly by a confident President Bush, who flashed a grin at the camera and offered this statement.

“I tried to use subliminabable messages to get through to the Taliban,” said Bush. “They were told to hand over bin Laden and the generals of al Qaida, and the subliminabable message was that if they didn’t, we would blow them to slag.” We at Odessa agree; that definitely goes without saying.

“I did not receive this ‘subliminabable message’,” said Omar, “What is a ‘subliminabable message’? Is it more of that fool man’s stutter garbage?”

While Omar—and the rest of the world leaders, at that—translates Bush’s speeches into real words, American fighter pilots continue to seek out and destroy random front lines, Taliban camps, and those pesky Red Cross bases.

MILLIONS OF TURKEYS ASSASSINATED
String of brutal murders shocks nation; farmer mafia under investigation.
By Baron Ziegfeld

ALL OF IOWA- Every year since the founding of this nation, during the month of November a hideous string of killings ravages the free world. The killers are remorseless. The victims are helpless. And worst of all, no one seems able to stop it.

Yes, it happened again; millions of turkeys around the nation were assassinated and their corpses were sold to merchants, who in turn sold them to the public, who were ever eager to devour what was left of the poor creatures. It’s a gruesome ritual that occurs every year, and people have named it “Thanksgiving.”

“No one knows when or why Thanksgiving really came into being,” said Thom Rawlings, a professor of history at Some University Somewhere, “But one thing is for sure: it really brings out the best in people. People are usually generous, chipper, and family like for a whole day! This never happens. In fact, the only downside is that the human race cold-heartedly slaughters untold numbers of helpless turkeys to satisfy their lust for birdflesh. No one really knows why.”

“It’s because it tastes really good!” said Ernest Blomphmeir, an expert turkey consumer.

In addition to our prior questions, Professor Rawlings was able to clarify a bit more about one of the suspected origins of Thanksgiving.

“It’s been said that two cults started this vile practice,” explained Rawlings. “Apparently, when white people first came to this country they had a cult called the ‘Pilgrims’. And these ‘Pilgrims’ aligned with another cult called the ‘Indians’ and in a bizarre cult ritual they rounded up a bunch of animals, killed them, stripped their flesh from their bodies and roasted it, and then finally consumed it all. This feast went on for three days. I mean, have you ever heard something so utterly disgusting?”

As it is November, turkeys are being assassinated by the bunches, and as usual, no leads are turning up. There is some speculation that the band of killers known as “farmers” have something to do with this, but such reports are still unconfirmed.

“We are investigating the tips,” said Iowa’s chief of police, who asked to remain anonymous so I wouldn’t have to look up his name for the sake of accuracy, “But we can find no evidence linking Bubba “The Plow” and Cousin Yonkers to the crime.”

As some doubt that these killings will never be solved, we at Odessa say, who cares? After all…

“It tastes really good!”

CONDIT ADDRESSES BIN LADEN
“Phew!” says Condit.
By Ludwig

SACRAMENTO-Congressman Gary Condit, D-Calif, recently released a statement directed towards Saudi dissident and all-around-jerk Osama bin Laden.

“You did me a big favor!” said Condit. “But you’re still a loser.”

This statement comes after terrorists supposedly in the service of bin Laden’s al Qaida network slammed commercial jets into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11, thus taking the spotlight off Condit’s personal life, which was under investigation following the disappearance of his “close friend” Chandra Levy.

“What you did was wrong,” said Condit after he composed himself, “but it did succeed in turning the heads of Americans towards what really matters, and not the personal dealings of one of their trusted leaders who may well be implicated in a murder plot. For a second there, I thought I’d have to put morality and respect for human life ahead of my political career. Phew.”

Condit quickly denied being glad that thousands had to die to move the spotlight, and we are actually inclined to believe with him.

Condit had been affected with the serious Foot-In-Mouth disease for some time now since the scandal broke, but the symptoms are gradually beginning to recede.

BEARDUS TERRORISTICUS
It’s alive!
By Kou Cao

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN-Last week it became official: Osama bin Laden’s beard was recognized as a life form with a mind of its own.

The beard, which strongly resembles a clump of steel wool, certainly looks like a hairy creature attached to bin Laden’s face, and it reportedly eats, sleeps, breathes, and even excretes.

Osama bin Laden’s beard (scientific name: Beardus terroristicus) apparently has a special place in what passes for the terrorist mastermind’s heart, as reported by one of bin Laden’s lieutenants.

“I have often seen Osama stroking and petting his beard,” says the lieutenant, “And he occasionally uses affectionate titles when speaking to the beard, such as ‘my precious’.”
“We all hope our beards strive to obtain the level of success Osama’s has,” said a Taliban official. “We all want our beards to be happy. They are our best and only friends.”

The fact that these men talk to facial hair should say something about their mental stability. As far as opinions on Beardus terroristicus, the people we interviewed do not, as usual, speak for the majority of the Muslim faith.

NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT AMERICANS ARE UNBELIEVABLY PARANOID
Don’t worry. It’s not going to be ok.
By The Experts

WASHINGTON, D.C-A recent study conducted by The Jerk Who Is Sending The Anthrax has concluded that, in a breakthrough scientific statement, American citizens are extremely paranoid. However it could be argued that paranoia is not only a logical response to the country’s recent Anthrax crisis, but it’s a downright intelligent one.

“I ain’t getting no anthrax!” insisted Duane Connolly, a mail carrier who reported to work Monday wearing a HAZMAT suit and a gas mask, “No siree!”

While America freaks out, we the Experts insist that there really is nothing to worry about. Despite what the news would tell you, most Americans agree with us.

The height of the paranoia was reached during the Spamthrax Episode, when thousands of Americans were fooled into believing that email attachments contained anthrax. We, The Experts, speak for the world when we say “What a bunch of goobers.” Come on, email anthrax? But people bought it, and Microsoft was quick to capitalize on it. Their Anti-Anthrax patch came out last Wednesday and is compatible with Windows 98, 2000, but not ME, because frankly, nothing is compatible with Windows ME. This capitalizing on American gullibility earned Microsoft another frowny face from the attorney general, and they are in the process of removing their product from the shelves.
The anthrax threat is dying off, so we can put our gas masks away for now. Settle down, already.

It has been argued that the media is partly responsible for the panic, mostly because they won’t shut up about it. Well, we agree, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to shut up about it.

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