Volume 2 Issue 2

KABUL FLEES TALIBAN
Capital city “couldn’t take it anymore.”
By Ludwig

KABUL, Afghanistan—Last week, in a huge development in the ongoing War Against Terrorism, Kabul fled from its Taliban controllers into the open arms of soldiers from the Northern Alliance.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore,” said Kabul, during our exclusive interview, “Those [expletive deleted] Taliban were too much! They beat women to death and kept on cluttering up my streets with army junk. Also they smelt funny.”

The Taliban was given the slip by the capital of Afghanistan, and they were forced to run away during the night. They hauled a bunch of foreign aid workers with them, whom they later released when they were relocating again. In fact, the Taliban has done a lot of relocating, since several of its cities have followed Kabul’s example.

“Personally? I have a great respect for Kabul,” said Jalalabad, which welcomed Northern Alliance ownership shortly after Kabul did, “In fact, Kabul is my hero. So there was really only one option for me, and I think I did the right thing.”

A proud Mazar-e-Sharif, which was the first domino to fall in the Northern Alliance’s string of victories, also had a few words. “I started it,” said Mazar, “It was all me, baby. Without my sudden actions, Kabul would still be just sitting there getting shot at.”

Indeed, not getting shot at would seem to be great incentive for Afghan cities to flee the Taliban, however some cities have remained firm in Taliban support.

“I ain’t goin’ nowhere,” said Kandahar, the birthplace of the Taliban, “I created these guys, and I ain’t letting nothing touch ‘em.”

President Bush responded to Kandahar’s statements with his usual Frowny Face, which he uses when something serious is going on, and then he told Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld to push the Red Button, issuing this statement.

“I am deeply saddened to learn of Kandahar’s opinion in this matter,” said Bush, “but there is still hope for diplomatic resolutions to this conflict. I only hope that the results of the Red Button will bring Kandahar around to our way of thinking.”

CONGRESS TO ATTACK MEDIA VIOLENCE
Lawmakers plan to help kids get into real violence faster.
By Baron Ziegfeld

WASHINGTON, D.C—Congress took action recently to try and limit the spread of media violence, seeking to cleanse the evils that the violent material plants in the heads of children.

Led by Democrat Joe Lieberman, a faction of Senators and Representatives have agreed to push the Media Marketing Accountability Act, which punishes media sources for marketing mature material to minors. They also plan to further their crusade to attack other aspects of media violence, and ultimately shut it down for good.

“Media violence is an outrage,” said Lieberman. “Just think about it. Every day, kids sit in front of their television sets and behold violent television or, worse, interact with violence via violent video games. This is absurd! This indulgence in pretend violence is wasting valuable time that could be spent partaking in real violence!”

Hilary Clinton, D-NY, supports the sanctions proposed by Lieberman. “Children were blasting other children’s heads off long before the media had a direct effect on their lives. I think all my colleagues will agree with me when I say that no amount of pretend violence is equal, or even close to, real violence. Our children are being deprived of participation in a historic American pastime, and it’s high time we did something about it!”

On the Republican side, John McCain was won over by Lieberman’s suggestions as well. “Kids should not be watching people get mauled on television screens. They should go do it themselves, maybe even join a sports team. This way, they will get cheered for their violent acts, particularly if they choose to play football. Dislocated joints always bring huge applause, and team fights have always been a cornerstone of American entertainment. Why are we depriving children the satisfaction gained by having their parents congratulate them for ‘showing that jerk who’s boss’?”

Lieberman has long been an opponent of violent media, which he claims sparks definite violent behavior in children even though there is absolutely no scientific proof of this, but apparently the violence he claims is provoked isn’t enough, and so he plans to defeat media violence once and for all.

“It’s time for the youth of our nation to get back to beating each other up the real way,” he said, “the American way.”

SHARON INSISTS ON WEEK OF PEACE; LEADERS DESPAIR
Fly, little piggy…
By Kou Cao

JORDAN, Israel—Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has issued a statement that he would not back down from an earlier statement in which the stately statesman stated that he would not begin peace negotiations with Palestine, nor freeze Israeli expansion, until there was a week of peace. Sharon wanted Palestine to prove that, by being nonviolent for a week, it was indeed worth pursuing peace talks. This is fine and dandy except for one small detail: it’s insane.

“Oh!” said Israel’s Shimon Peres in between fits of laughter, “Oh that’s funny! Oh boy! Ha ha ha!”

Even Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat got a good chuckle out of it. “This man, how much has he been drinking, lately?” Arafat got serious then, and continued. “He insists on a week of peace and blames us when it fails. He forgets that his own people must keep their weapons holstered, too.”

The whole week of peace plan has been tried on numerous occasions, and some jerk has screwed it up each time. Therefore, world leaders thought they were getting somewhere after the September 11 terrorist attacks that took America by storm, when Israel and Palestine both knocked it off for a while. However, with old hostilities rising again, Sharon has resumed his previous position, meaning that chances of resuming peace talks soon probably just went down the toilet with a big whoosh.

“We’re hoping that Mr. Sharon will eventually realize that a full week of peace is probably not going to happen,” said Secretary of State Colin Powell, “and that he’ll try to negotiate peace in the absence of peace, so that these two countries can agree on a new deadline, break it, and do all this again.”

Hopes are indeed dim for a hasty resolution, and while this time the week of peace might actually happen, The Experts at Odessa are not very optimistic.

“One or, preferably, both of [Sharon and Arafat] need to put their foot down,” say The Experts. “They need to call upon all their countrymen, as Mr. Arafat did after the September chaos in America, and urge a cease fire with all their being. Be sure to have a camera ready on this day, since those Flying Pigs will be something you’ll want to remember for the rest of your lives.”

So, are all hopes lost here? Not really, for as was stated earlier, a week of peace could happen. The next step would be allowing the leaders of both countries more time to sort out their differences civilly and agree on a situation that benefits both nations. The Experts were consulted on this issue as well:

“Did we mention flying pigs yet?”

LETTER X SUES EVERYONE FOR SLANDER
Misused letter demands that people stop tacking it on to things that ultimately fail miserably.
By Baron Vince

X TOWN, Planet X—The letter X recently released a statement in which it declared that it was sick and tired of being horribly misused, and that it was fighting back this time.

“I’ve been tacked on to the dumbest of things,” said X, “and it’s giving me a horrible reputation. Therefore, I’m suing you—yeah, you, as in everybody—for damages stemming from the slander I’ve endured.”

The letter L, a lawyer for X, was able to clarify his client’s motives. “My good friend X has been added to things that tend to fail, and he’s getting tired of the embarrassment. For starters, let’s take a look at the XFL. Really, that’s all I should have to say period. The XFL was the biggest failure of anything since…well, ever. It was an even bigger failure than Al Gore’s drama coach. My client was furious at being used as a part of the XFL’s name, and I cannot blame him. Also there’s this Xbox gaming system from Microsoft. When compared to the other gaming systems out there, Xbox failed during its first week sales. People would not buy it, and those that did complained of crappy sound and poor games. My client didn’t like being a part of this system’s name, either, and again, I cannot blame him.”

Bill Gates of Microsoft, who absolutely has to talk whenever something comes up involving his company, tried to reassure the letter X.

“Give the Xbox some time. Like all Microsoft products, it was engineered to strengthen our iron hold on the universe, and it will take over the gaming markets.”

“Nice try, pal,” replied X, “But you’re still on the list.”

REPORT: DO NOT STAND UNDER GIANT FALLING OBJECTS
You can’t catch them. It doesn’t work that way.
By The Experts

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A new report issued by the Defense Secretary, of all people, states that it is best for people’s health if they do not stand directly underneath giant objects plummeting from the skies.

“This is mainly geared at the citizens of any country receiving airborne food packages,” said Secretary Rumsfeld, “I wish to make clear that when we drop the packages, which are big and heavy, from the air where they may speed towards the ground picking up much kinetic force, it is a bad idea to stand under them and try to catch them. This may bring agony and death, as well as ruining people’s appetites.”

The report also states that Americans themselves should avoid standing under heavy falling objects, such as ladders with people on them, unusually large hail, and cows.