Odessa 2 Issue 3

SANTA TO PETITION U.N. FOR PERMISSION TO FLY AROUND WITHOUT GETTING SHOT AT
What's this world coming to?
By Baron Ziegfeld

NORTH POLE-Santa Claus, who has always been known as a right jolly man, recently bombarded a meeting in New York where the United Nations was meeting, demanding in a fury of holiday cheer that he be allowed to fly across the world without being shot at on Christmas Eve.

“This beard, it is not what you think it is,” Santa Claus said during his address to Kofi Annan, “I am not a terrorist. You can all clearly see that I am not a terrorist. The bulky things in by bag are not bombs. My sleigh is not going to fly into a building. So I ask, when I fly around the planet and pass through several no fly zones and restricted areas and the occasional war zone-yes, I’m looking at YOU, Mr. Sharon-that you good people will not shoot a missile at me.”

Mr. Claus went on to point out that his reindeer were perfectly normal, except for the fact that they could fly. Comet in particular was very adamant about the whole “don’t shoot at us, because we are good” thing.

“I would like the world to know that my reindeer are good reindeer,” said Mr. Claus, “and that my elves are good elves. We all pay our taxes and donate to charities. We even vote, occasionally. All I ask is that you let us do our job.”

While Mr. Claus was fairly composed during this last address to the public, he has been under a lot of stress lately. The process of delivering toys to the world’s youth is

becoming harder and harder every day. Santa first has to produce the toys, which involves wiggling with the newly formed Brotherhood of Toymakers union, to which each one of his elves belongs. Then, Santa has to deal with his secretary, who handles the lists of those people who have been good and bad every year. The secretary, when not pleased with her working conditions, allegedly “goofs” with assigning gifts or coal to children, creating horrible mishaps for which Santa takes the blame.

Even when it comes time for the big day, the headaches continue. With the introduction of air travel to the world, Santa now has to clear with every air traffic control tower in the world before beginning his flight, a process which could take days, especially with that secretary.

“It’s nothing I can’t handle,” Mr. Claus insisted. “I’ll be ripe and ready for Christmas this year, just like any other! Ho ho ho! Just give me a second to get my passport in order.”

SOCCER MOMS OF U.S.A. GET IN HOLIDAY SPIRIT
14 dead, 37 wounded.
By Kou Cao

MALL OF AMERICA-As the Big Day draws near, soccer moms across the country have been flocking to many malls, Mall of America especially, to pick up gifts for their friends and loved ones in a stampeding frenzy of holiday cheer that left 14 dead and 37 wounded across the nation.

“I love this time of year!” said soccer mom Lisa Gordon, “It’s all a rush to spend every waking hour in one store or the other, frantically running back and forth to make sure you didn’t miss anybody and that everyone got what they wanted. Actually I hate that part, but the music! The music in the malls this time of year is great! They have all kinds of Christmassy tunes that just get you ripe and ready to make a mad dash to the toy store with the new Harry Potter book that your daughter wants so much and beat the woman next to you to death in order to get the last copy.”

The area where Christmas cheer was most rampant was in mall parking lots, where soccer moms frantically mowed down pedestrians who were in the way of hard to find parking spots.

“There were even some automobile battles,” said police constable Jerry Toole, “These people meant business. They would go to any lengths for these parking lots, man. I mean, think a bullfight. The cars back away from each other, the drivers glare at each other through the windshield, the holiday spirit flashing in their eyes, they rev the engines, and one person’s spark plug fails. They then have to walk home. I tell you, man, I just love this time of year.”

One of the more unlikely victims of the Christmas Spirit is the mall Santa Claus. These brave souls allow many children, some with not-perfectly-clean pants, to sit on their laps and name the toys, games, countries, and what ever else they want to receive for Christmas. Soccer moms in the line hurl their kids with extreme force onto Santa’s lap. In some cases brawls break out as to who gets to crush Santa’s lap next, in which case elves named Vito have to step in to defend their boss. After a long session, Santa’s lap is prone to falling off.

So what are you waiting for? Join in the Christmas Spirit; emergency paramedics are just a phone call away.

OTHER REINDEER STILL LAUGH AT RUDOLPH; CALL HIM NAMES
"The novelty wore off."
By Ludwig

NORTH POLE AGAIN-It seems that the other reindeer still laugh at Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, despite the ending to his theme song.

“We were really grateful and all when he led us through that foggy Christmas Eve,” said Dasher, “but then the novelty wore off, and we got back to making fun of him for being a red-nosed freak.”

“I know it’s what’s on the inside that counts,” insisted Blitzen, “I know not to judge a book by its cover. But that nose, man…it’s just…whoa.”

Not only do the reindeer mock Rudolph, but they allegedly refuse to let him join in any reindeer games. It’s not been confirmed exactly what a reindeer game is, but Dasher said they included elf-kicking and snowball fights.

“His nose has nothing to do with us not wanting him on our elf-kicking team,” Dasher insisted. “He’s just got awful aim…”

Amazingly, Rudolph himself is completely unfazed by the comments of his fellow Reindeer.

“Hey man, it’s cool,” said the hero of children’s lore. “I can understand if they’re a little jealous. I mean, it’s not everyone who can become world famous in so short a story...besides, I’ve got way too much fan mail to answer to play any reindeer games.”

Rudolph also had a message for his faithful fans.

“I’ll be coming right for you all on Christmas Eve! But if you see me kind of shaking and swerving from side to side, I’m not flying under the influence; Dasher is just kicking me again.” He paused for reflection. “I do wish he’d stop doing that…”

MAN FALLS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH FLAGPOLE
Not quite Shakespeare, but it'll do.
By Baron Vince

TIMES SQUARE COURTYARD-Recently a story has circulated around the globe about the touching love affair between a man and a flagpole.

Apparently, on a cold, icy winter day, Michael Cartwright was found locked in a passionate French kiss with a tall black flagpole.

“He was just standing there, flailing his arms around and making these strangled screaming noises, which were obviously cries of passion,” said Lieutenant Frank Drebin, (Copyright: Someone Much Cooler Than I Am) who found Cartwright earlier this morning. “I tell you, I’ve never seen anything like it. His tongue was pressed against that icy flagpole, and he looked like he was teasing it, trying to pull away, even desperately! But that flagpole loved him so much, it just wouldn’t let go.” Drebin had to swipe his handkerchief across his eyes. “It was just so beautiful.”

Indeed, the loving bond between Cartwright and the flagpole was so strong it could only be broken by firefighters with an axe and a heating pad.

“Isn’t it heartwarming?” Drebin asked of every firefighter. “Doesn’t it put you right in the mood for Christmas?” The firefighters then proceeded to stare at Drebin.

Cartwright is in fair condition in Trinity Memorial Hospital, occasionally mumbling questions about frostbite of the tongue. His lover still waits for him in the courtyard outside Times Square.

Yes, I know what most of you are wondering, but no, the gender of the flagpole remains unknown.

NEW REPORT ESTIMATES J.K. ROWLINGS WILL BE IN CONTROL BY APRIL
Is anyone surprised?
By The Experts

ROWLINGS’ SECRET LAB-A new report states that more than half of the experts we talked to believe that Harry Potter creator J. K. Rowlings will be in full control of the free world come next April.

Potter has taken the world by storm with his four adventures, and as Rowlings puts the finishing touches on adventure five, many fear the noose is tightening.

“This book’ll sell like wildfire!” said economist James McShaw. “The public will be eating out of Rowlings’ hand, even more than before!”

“It’s scary, when you think about it,” said a psychologist with a name too long to type. “Rowlings has created a series that burrows deep into the brains of its readers, keeping them hungry for more, kind of like marijuana, only the high is much better. All she has to do is write some subliminal message into her new book, and all the readers will pick up on it and do whatever she wants! For example, she could have Harry, say, lead a basilisk against Dumbledore and take over Hogwarts academy, and then millions of readers will start throwing garter snakes at George W. Bush!”

While people throwing writing creatures at the President is indeed funny, we must look at the greater picture here. The only one standing in Rowling’s way seems to be the Dark Lord himself.

“Phase One is complete,” said Rowlings, conspiratorially, “but now I must defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and then there will be no resistance!”

While much speculation has turned up as to the identity of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, actual evidence has appeared that seems to point towards the head of a multimillion-dollar corporation that holds a monopoly over computer operating systems, but we’re not mentioning any names.