Odessa 2 Issue 4

BUSH TO AMERICANS: “YOU WILL ALL DIE!”
First State of the Union speech by popular President goes quite well.
By Baron Vince

WASHINGTON, D.C—President Bush gave his first State of the Union address recently to a gaggle of Congresspersons and other special guests, and did fairly well for a first timer.

“We were pretty skeptical at first,” said Democrat Richard Gephardt, “and weren’t really paying attention. Then he told us we were all going to die, and after that, we were hooked.”

President Bush was stuck with a difficult political situation to explain to his fellow legislators, voters, and people-who-looked-bribable. Faced with controversy over American handling of war captives, the war against terrorism itself, the fiasco surrounding staggering economic superpower Enron, an aggravating tendency to stutter, and most importantly a certain incident involving a pretzel, it seemed like Mr. Bush was doomed before he started. However he proved everyone wrong and kept the American audience spellbound and captivated by using a brilliant tactic he calls “Scare The Hell Out Of Them”.

“The terrorists are out there,” said Bush during his address. “They’re still lurking, still plotting, and still being aided. So you see that we must strike out against them, and the other countries that harbor them, such as Iran and Iraq. Otherwise they will roast our intestines on a George Foreman grill.”

When it came time to discuss the country’s sagging economy, Bush gave a very detailed and informed report of the economy’s status, and then proposed several thought out ways of dealing with them.

“The terrorists are still out there,” proposed Bush. “We need to direct many more millions to our defense and offense. Yes, I know that industry and agriculture could use some aid, but what would you rather be: unemployed, or being gutted like a fish by a terrorist?”

Bush also gave a detailed account of the war in Afghanistan.

“The Afghan leader wants American troops to stay in Afghanistan. Why should he fear the Taliban, I ask? All their base are belong to us, and bin Laden is on his way to destruction. It’s other countries we need to worry about, which is why we should spend Social Security money to defeat Saddam Hussein, or else we’ll be crushed to bloody pulps by terrorists in tanks, or something even more hideous!”

PRETZEL NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF INSANITY
The Devil made him do it.
By Baron Ziegfeld

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—A jury recently returned the verdict deciding the fate of a troubled young pretzel accused of trying to assassinate President Bush. After thirteen hours of deliberations, the jury found Mr. Salty not guilty by reason of insanity.

Mr. Salty, a fresh young pretzel straight out of the bag, was always slightly troubled. His childhood friend Crumbly, who testified at the trial in his fellow pretzel’s defense, gave us a statement.

“Back in the day when we were all dough, Salty was always having these weird ideas,” said Crumbly. “Like, this one time he shoved Mort up this human’s nose, which was cool because Mort was a total jerk. Anyway, Salty also had these weird visions, and he said that the Devil was making him do these things.”

Mr. Salty’s lawyer used this testimony to insist that Salty had always been troubled, and his past history of violence indicated a lifetime of neglect and rough handling by potential eaters.

“I didn’t want to hurt Mr. Bush,” Salty insisted when he took the stand. “That man just picked me out of the bag, and I thought, ‘Finally, my life will have meaning!’ And then the Devil Man, he just came and said ‘You IDIOT! You’re about to DIE! KILL him!’ And then I lost all control, and the next thing I knew I’d been jettisoned from the President’s gullet and I was all wet.”

“I didn’t need to know that,” said Juror Number 8.

“We all recognized the special needs of Mr. Salty,” said the jury’s Foreperson. “Even though he committed a terrible crime, is it really fair to confine someone to a jail cell where they can’t hurt anyone simply because they’re possessed by Satan? We didn’t think so. We’re sure that now Mr. Salty can get the help he needs.”

“I promise to provide adequate mental health care that suits Mr. Salty’s needs perfectly,” said Ross Ambrose, the pretzel’s new psychologist. “I will make sure he gets all the latest state of the art treatments, after which I will probably eat him.”

ENRON JUST A “CONFUSED, MISUNDERSTOOD” RUTHLESS CONGLOMERATE
Corporation merely wanted attention, affection.
By Kou Cao

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Sick and tired of the relentless assaults against his old company, Enron’s ex-CEO Kenneth Lay finally broke his silence and issued a statement to the world regarding the economic powerhouse.

“Enron is not the ruthless conglomerate you think it is,” said Lay to the public. “It is merely a confused, misunderstood ruthless conglomerate, and that, my friends, makes all the difference.”

Lay went on to insist that Enron was tired of being “just another one of the Almighty Companies Of The Earth” and “wanted distinction from all the others. Enron just wanted attention. It wanted affection.” At this point Lay burst into tears.

Enron, which has faced gigantic economic problems and even faces downsizing and death, though very unlikely, has been under fire for certain quote unquote illegal activities. Important files to the legal cases being thrown against the company have vanished, and to this day no one knows who was a part of the committee headed by Dick Cheney or where they went to, though it is speculated that they were all vaporized by the Vice President’s pacemaker.

If Kenneth Lay’s words are to be taken seriously, we have new possibilities to consider. Are the legal fiascos Enron is throwing itself into really cold hearted, ruthless Rich People tricks? Could the threat of bankruptcy be a desperate cry for help?

“Yeah, ya think?!” said the new CEO.

SHIT HITS FAN
It’s as bad as it sounds.
By Ludwig

BROOKLYN SUBURB—This story proves that the editor assigns me, Ludwig, with the worst possible stories to cover. Yesterday disaster struck a small suburban household when a phrase went on the rampage. The phrase left a mess that won’t be easy to clean up, and the psychological effects of the phrase’s attack will never be completely erased.

“All over the carpet!” said one of the victims, who made us absolutely swear not to name her. “All over the walls! All over ME! Where was the oregano when I needed it?!”

Yes, at 2:00 P.M. yesterday, the shit hit the fan and due to issues of political correctness I am not allowed to retype that phrase, even though I probably will anyway. When the phrase occurred, the substance was predictably scattered around the room, as the fan was turned on. No one was killed, though everyone involved wishes they had been.

Damage was dealt to the walls and carpet of the room containing the fan, and those in the professional career of interior decorating describe the damage as, in their sophisticated jargon, “smelly”. The fan survived the attack, though police negotiators are still trying to talk it out of suicide.

“I always thought it was just a saying, you know?” said another victim who I pinky-sweared not to name. “’When the shit hits the fan, you’ll be sorry!’” Let it be noted that it was the victim who said the phrase again, and not I. “But now that it’s really happened, and I know how serious it is, I can’t say it lightly anymore! Matter of fact, I can never say it anymore, period. Who would do something like this? I want justice! That fan better kill itself, cause I’m just sending it to the grinder if it doesn’t!”

Authorities are stumped as to how the shit managed to encounter the fan, but a throw has not been ruled out. If that is the case there is a very sick individual out there, hopefully one with gloves. There is also the possibility that we are witnessing the first of a string of bioterrorism attacks predicted by Bush in the State of the Union in the statement where he said that terrorists would unleash devastating biotechnology upon us, and unless we devoted more money to stopping Syria the entire country would be plagued with Athlete’s Foot.

NEW STUDY STATES SLEEPING PILLS MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS
But it’s just a possibility, you know.
By The Experts

WALGREENS—After a recent breathtaking experiment funded by five hundred thousand government dollars, it was scientifically concluded that sleeping pills may, in some but not all cases, cause drowsiness.

“We were getting lots of complaints from people using sleeping pills that they were falling asleep, usually while operating heavy machinery,” said Dr. Stuart Collins of the American Medical Association. “While it could be argued that they should know better than to take pills when on the job, we felt it was necessary to make sure of the effects of the sleeping pills. Now that I know consumers can realize the exact effects of the medicines they take, I can sleep at night. Heh heh! Get it? Oh, I kill myself!”

The result of the study is that now you will find on the side of sleeping pill canisters a warning that says “May Cause Drowsiness”. This is sure to be a great aide to consumers everywhere, just like some other cases the study cited. For one, a box of chemicals that had “Do Not Turn Upside Down!” written on the bottom of the box. Or, how about the brand of airline peanuts with the warning “May Contain Nuts”? Who knew? There was also a report on that warning on matchboxes that states “Warning: Flammable”. This is yet another helpful hint that Americans probably never thought of.

The study insists it is not making any of these things up, and we, The Experts, have proven them correct by frolicking in the endless sea of knowledge that is the Internet. This is said because we want you to believe our personal favorite, a warning on a Swedish chainsaw that says “Caution! Do not attempt to use on hands or genitals.”