| Odessa Files |
| Where will you be when the squirrels knock on YOUR window? |
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| Publisher: Justin the Hun |
| Volume 2 Issue 8 |
| 7/23/02 |
| BEAVERS LAUNCH COUP IN CANADA Eh? By Kou Cao TORONTO—Canada’s government was suddenly and alarmingly usurped today by a group of revolutionists consisting entirely of beavers. The coup began at approximately 8 this morning, when a career beaver known only as Mr. B casually entered the Parliament building with his twenty colleagues. Once safely inside, the beaver squad suddenly and forcefully attacked all the security guards and cornered Prime Minister Chretien in his office. “I remember it was kind of weird watching an organized platoon of beavers marching into the building,” security guard Nate Nichols said, after receiving medical attention for several bites and scratches. “I thought it was some kind of children’s show. You know, local circus, or something. I mean, sure we have security measures and all, what with the terrorist business. But who plans for beaver commandos, eh?” “They just became whirling blurs of fur,” Tommy Cole, a member of Chretien’s security detail, said. “Boom, bang, cut, scrape, and we’re down! There was nothing I could do. Beavers have teeth to cut down trees. They went right through our weak human flesh.” Authorities, with the help of a translator fluent in beaver, have recently made contact with Mr. B, who demands that the French—I mean, Canadian government surrender all power to him or risk bits and pieces of their leader thrown out a window. “The time has come, my brethren!” Mr. B said in a live broadcast to the world’s beaver population. “No longer will we stand around and gnaw on trees while the humans destroy our homeland around us. Now, we will watch the humans gnaw on trees, while we destroy their homes around them!” He even added a horrific beavery cackle. “Beavers of America,” Mr. B called out. “Join me in this victory over the British—I mean, the Canadian government!” “So like, I was chewing on this redwood, yeah? And this anteater, just out of nowhere…yeah, what?” asked America’s beavers. “Didn’t you hear?” Mr. B asked in alarm. “We took over Canada!” “Big deal,” America’s beavers responded. “It’s not like they have weapons.” “They do so have weapons!” “Well…it’s also really small.” “It is most certainly not small! It’s as big or bigger than the USA!” “Yeah, well…so anyway, this anteater, he just totally disses my tree, man, he’s just like…” “Ingrates,” grumped the new leader of America 2—I mean, Canada. |
| MOTHER EARTH, FATHER TIME FILE FOR DIVORCE You know what they say about celebrity marriages… By Baron Ziegfeld REALM OF THE MIGHTY—Today, in a landmark move that leaves the future of the world in serious question, Mother Earth and Father Time filed suddenly for divorce after several eons of peaceful coexistence. This surprise action left friends and family members of the involved parties shocked and confused. “None of the signs were there,” said the Rivers, Mountains, and Valleys, Mother Earth’s favorite children. “I mean, sure, dad came home drunk once in a while, but what did that hurt? A brief screw up in the international time zones, watches shorting out, nothing serious. And sure mom has her mood swings…just look at El Nino. But a divorce? Well, no one even considered it!” “All we can say is, we’re glad we’re not them,” said the Seconds, Minutes, and Hours, Father Time’s favorites, about the Rivers, Mountains, and Valleys. “We can exist without a planet to guide us. They can, too, I suppose, but without time things get all screwed up and out of place.” “Look, I’m sorry, all right?” Father Time said to alarmed reporters. “But I just can’t take that broad’s yelling and screaming anymore. I mean, normal people would just vent their anger by punching a pillow, or something. But her? No, she has to go and cause an earthquake, or blow some big volcano, and then she’s only mildly irked. Who gets the rest of the antipathy, you ask? Not you, pals. Me. And I’m sick of it.” “He’s such a goddamned elitist,” Mother Nature said to her own gaggle of reporters. “Him and his punctuality. Sure, it was nice while we were dating…he was never late to a date, not even once. But now, there has to be a schedule for everything, and if we don’t stick to it like glue, the world ends, or something! And when I protest, he just takes that tone and tells me to ‘stick to my area of expertise, while he handles his’. Hah. Who needs time, anyway? That’s what kills people. Guns don’t kill people, Time kills people!” Lawyers for Mother Earth and Father Time are currently locked into heated disputes as to who gets what. Never before has there been a divorce of such magnitude, magnitude 8 to be exact, and the half-and-half rule is hard to apply here. A tentative offer is to give Mother Earth all the rainforests and nice places that humans haven’t ruined yet, and then give the said humans to Father Time so he can make their schedules for the rest of eternity. Father Time said he was seriously considering this offer, as was Mother Earth, who liked the idea of getting even with the human pricks that kept poking holes in her. |
| LOCAL COWS GO HUMAN TIPPING Cows have fun. By Ludwig LOWELL, IN—In an effort to get back at the human pranksters who like to disturb the peaceful slumber of innocent bovines, a pair of rowdy cows hit the streets of Lowell today and engaged in the hilarious prank known as “human tipping” which includes charging humans and flipping them clear over so they land on the soft part of their skulls. “Dudes! Did you see that?” asks cow Mort. “He was just like ‘JESUS CHRIST!’ and went BANG right on the asphalt!” “I heard it from here!” cow Bessie acknowledged as the two cows all but fell over from the hilarity of their prank, while nearby humans inched as far back as they possibly could. “Hey,” Mort piped up, spying a character in the crowd. “I know that guy! He’s the jerk who tipped me last Monday!” The jerk, also known as Peter Cromwell, 18, promptly ran for his life, with Mort and Bessie running cheerfully behind him, moving rather quickly for cows. Cromwell had recently played a prank on Mort known as ‘cow tipping’, the hilarious action of tipping over a sleeping cow—cows sleep standing up. Reporters followed Bessie and Mort as far as they could before tiring out, and found Cromwell fifteen minutes later, sprawled out in the middle of the street, clutching the side of his head and shivering, while the cows and several crowd members laughed at the sheer comic genius of the entire incident. “Wow,” Mort observed, “we really gotta do this more often!” “Moo!” Bessie agreed, as they searched for another target, eventually locking onto a reporter for a satirical newsletter named HOLY MOTHER OF— |
| SODIUM HAS ILLICIT AFFAIR WITH CHLORINE “I did not have molecular relations with that anion.” By Baron Vince LABORATORY—Full coverage of the ChemLab scandal has finally been released to the public. Sodium and Chlorine, two elements well respected in their periods and families, have finally admitted to a long relationship involving chemical bonding and plenty of shared electrons. Sodium allegedly shared its positive charge with Chlorine’s negative charge, coming together to form Sodium Chloride, also known as table salt. This act outraged the families of both Sodium and Chlorine, which are more peppery kind of elements. “I would like to apologize to my fellow elements,” said Sodium in a recent press release. “I have not been entirely truthful. Indeed I did have an interaction with Chlorine. It was stupid. It was wrong. “But I do not contribute this relationship to a weakness in character,” Sodium went on. “No, it has to do with my molecular buildup. The attraction was just…so great. We both had the same charge number…I’m a cation, Chlorine’s an anion, and well…we just really bonded, you know? I’m not sure if it was covalent, nor does it matter.” “I’m extremely disappointed in Sodium,” said Hydrogen, which sits on the top of the left side of the periodic table. “It’s been a while since an interaction like this took place, and we’re ashamed that it started on our end of the table.” “Chlorine has lost the respect of its fellow elements,” declared Helium, which lords over the right end of the periodic table. “I can’t believe that it submitted to Sodium’s advances. I mean, Chlorine, you could have done so much better than Sodium. He ugly.” Added Helium: “At least it wasn’t with another element in your family. The last thing we need is incest.” |
| SURVEY SAYS 89% OF AMERICANS THINK ARIEL SHARON IS FEMALE Well…didn’t you? By The Experts TEL AVIV—A recent survey conducted among the American people revealed that 89% of US citizens believe that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is, in fact, a female. “I mean, come on, dudes,” said Norman Meier of Chicago. “That is so obviously a girl’s name. Think about it. ‘Ariel’. Who names their baby boy ‘Ariel’? Ariel was the name of the Little Mermaid. Everyone knows that!” “Miss Sharon’s last name clearly explains her gender,” said Cindy Winnaker of Detroit. “I’ve never heard of a man named Sharon.” “I know how he feels,” says Ashley Kipper, male resident of Orlando. “I used to go by ‘Ash’ but that Pokémon weirdo ruined that. Why do people do this to their kids?” When informed that Minister Sharon was indeed male, the surveyed Americans reportedly told Odessa reporters: “Yeah, sure, and beavers just took over Canada.” |
| STAFF Justin The Hun-editor in chief Baron Vince-managing editor Baron Ziegfeld-assisting editor Ludwig-editor editor Kou Cao-very special editor The Experts-what a bunch of losers… |