| Odessa Files |
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| Publisher: Master Justin |
| Volume 2 Issue 9 |
| 8/12/02 |
| Stars twinkle in Morse code. |
| ARAFAT ACCUSES SHARON OF WAR CRIMES; EXPLODES SELF IN MALL Down with oppression and hypocrisy! By Baron Vince TEL AVIV—Taking a personal stand in the Middle East conflict, Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat accused Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon of war crimes and called upon him to end oppression and hypocrisy. Arafat then activated a nail-filled bomb fitted around his waist and detonated in the crowded Tel Aviv mall, killing fifteen innocents. “The Israeli invasions of Palestinian neighborhoods are cruel and tyrannical!” Arafat shouted. “Minister Sharon is a corrupt man running a corrupt government, a government laden with deceit, oppression, and hypocrisy!” Seconds later fragments of Mr. Arafat’s pelvis broke the skull of Sara Rabin, loving mother of two children. “For a man who accuses the Palestinians of terrorism and evil, Mr. Sharon, you do a pretty good job yourself! And then you have the gall to point the finger at us!” Nails from the bomb impaled the spine of Yitzhak Rosenblum, a twelve year old who just wanted a new shirt. “I, Yasser Arafat, spokesman of the Palestinian state, demand that the United Nations recognize our plight, and do proper justice to Sharon, the war criminal who terrorizes innocent people!” Also killed in the blast was a family of six, none of whom had ever so much as thrown a stone at a Palestinian. The revolutionary party (terrorist group) Hamas immediately claimed responsibility for Arafat’s suicide mission, and upon hearing the death count, Hamas members and other Palestinian men, women, and children danced in the street like it was the Fourth of July. The United States of America broadcast the attack details on every major network, and President Bush expressed his outrage. Israel, on the other hand, reacted rather sluggishly. Normally they’d calmly and casually send a tank regimen into Palestine, but this time, as tank commander Motti Gorin puts it: “What the hell? There ain’t nobody to quarantine!” |
| JERRY FALWELL FINALLY GETS AROUND TO HATING CARE BEARS It was only a matter of time… By Baron Ziegfeld JERRY FALWELL’S SECRET LAIR—Today religious figurehead Jerry Falwell announced via a press conference that he’d had a revelation regarding the Care Bears—those lovable multicolored little bears who spread peace and happiness—and blamed them for the Somalia incidents of the 90s. “Is anyone surprised?” Jerry Falwell asked. “No, really, is anyone surprised? You are? Well you shouldn’t be! Honestly, how long did you think that the Good Lord was going to tolerate our allowing our children to watch demonic little voodoo dolls run around throwing magic dust and activating strange symbols? Of course God was going to cause trouble in Somalia, and forsake our soldiers. How could it have been any plainer for us?” Falwell referred to the famine of Somalia and the clash of warlords that left the country in shambles and prompted the deployment of US troops to Mogadishu. The US troops received heavy casualties and the then President Clinton brought them home shortly after. “Now you may ask me, you may say ‘Now Jerry, just how exactly do you come to this conclusion?’ And I will say to you that I had this realization after watching that movie, what was it? Slack Jawed Clown? Well, whatever the title was, it was all about the Somalia incident, and I got to thinking, I asked myself ‘Now why in the world would the Good Lord allow such a thing to happen to those fine upstanding young men?’ And then the movie ended, and we switched the channels and there they were…the Care Bears. “You know of what I speak,” Falwell continued. “Those stuffed animals that somehow walk and talk. Only demonic powers could cause something like that to happen. You want further proof that the bears are imbued with Satan’s might? Look at the symbols on their bellies. Half moons, suns, rain clouds, all of that druid stuff. Satanic images! And they even glow and take action in the cartoon series. And we let our kids watch this! We sit them down and tell them to watch this show, and then they go out and worship the Dark Powers! “Well, then it obviously became clear to me that the Good Lord was only sending a message to us, the neglectful elders of America. He punished us, His wayward children, for our blatant disregard of his Word. And that, my brothers and sisters, is why the Somalis shot down our helicopters and mutilated our sons! The Care Bears!” Stay tuned next week for the next episode of Jerry Falwell, Professional Dickwad in which Jerry chastises Legolas the Elf from Lord of the Rings and his pagan Elf religion for causing the existence of France. |
| AREA MAN HAS BUTTERFLIES IN STOMACH; CATERPILLARS IN ESOPHAGUS Nature in action! By Ludwig AREA—Area man John Wainwright is twenty minutes away from the audition of his life, and he reportedly has “butterflies in his stomach”, leading experts to the conclusion that he must also have caterpillars in his esophagus. Wainwright has been rehearsing for weeks for this role, and woke up this morning “ready and raring to go”. His energy was high as he ate breakfast and looked over his lines one final time. Wainwright then reported to the proper theater where, after receiving word that he would be up in twenty minutes, “I began to get kind of nervous…you know, pre-stage fright, sort of. There are butterflies in my stomach.” “This could be serious,” says Wainwright’s physician, Lou Dobson, who was informed of his patient’s condition by a man who overheard Wainwright at the theater. “If John has these fluttering bugs in his stomach, then we must first look at the fact that these are no ordinary butterflies. An ordinary butterfly would disintegrate in the digestive enzymes that coat the walls of the stomach. These butterflies, if they are still there, have obviously developed some super structure that allows them to survive in this harsh atmosphere.” Then there came the question about how the butterflies managed to infiltrate Wainwright’s stomach. “Butterflies do not start out that way, you know,” Dobson explains. “First they are caterpillars, and then they go into cocoons and come out as butterflies. Somehow, while he was eating breakfast, perhaps, John must have gotten a caterpillar on his spoon and it crawled into his esophagus, where it formed a cocoon and vegetated until the butterfly emerged, and found its way into Wainwright’s stomach. Now, from the sound of things, John has not one but several butterflies in there, which means he really could stand to watch what he’s putting into his mouth.” Wainwright claimed that he was “all right” when he went up for his audition, where he performed long and hard for his position as the new Taco Bell spokesman, prior to the vanishing of the Chihuahua. Right at the end, however, he started coughing and hocked up a big slimy caterpillar. “You’re hired!” shouted the director. “Eet’s loco, man,” observed the caterpillar as he exited, stage left. |
| NO, I DON’T WANT FRIES WITH THAT (Editorial) By A Crotchety Old Man Listen up, whippersnappers! Y’all can call me Ed, and I’ve got a point to make! Hey, you, siddown and respect yer elders! All right, now, where was I? Oh yes, I’m Ed, and I’ve got a point to make! You know those flashy fast food restaurants? Hah! Fast food! There’s an oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one. What’s that you say? What does ‘oxymoron’ mean? Confonnit, don’t they teach you kids anything anymore? What’s wrong with yer mammy and pappy, sendin’ you to these half-baked schools with their new fangled computers? Why when I was your age, we didn’t have computers! We had abacuses! I bet you dunno what they are, either! That’s fine, I suppose. Hated the damn things, myself. The balls kept popping off. Now where was I? Oh that’s right, fast food! Well when you finally get your order from those sluggish, useless teenagers they got working there—who don’t have a single brain cell to call their own—you gotta check it over and over to make sure they didn’t screw up and put on something you didn’t order, like, say, a cat. And even before that, when they take your order it’s always “Do you want fries with that?” No, I don’t want fries with that! If I had wanted fries, well then confonnit I woulda asked for some fries! What makes these people think that everyone wants fries, hmm? When ol’ General Custer was getting mowed down by Chief Sittin’ Bull, did the chief say “You want fries with that?” When the Nazis opened fire on the Allies on Normandy, did they ask, “You want fries with that?” NO! I know…I was there! So basically, alls I’m tryin’ to say here is, stop askin a man if they want fries with everything. All right, I’m done. Now get over here, whippersnapper! Make some good of yourself and change my colostomy bag! |
| ADVANCED ANTI-WRINKLE CREAM KEEPS SKIN, BRAIN LOOKING YOUNG Taking vanity to a whole new level. By The Experts SEATTLE—The Seaton cosmetics company has just unveiled a revolutionary new anti-wrinkle cream that will keep your skin and brain looking smooth and young for ages. The cream is specially designed to both close pores and smooth out skin, and is in effect both an anti-blemish and an anti-wrinkle cream. What really puts Seaton’s product on top of the market is its ability to smooth out the many ugly wrinkles of the human brain. “It is our crowning achievement!” says Jenna Castwillow, the lead designer for the new cream. Castwillow and her team of specialists spent six months developing Seaton’s new “Think Straight” cream and only now felt confident in releasing the results. “Think Straight smoothes out all the wrinkles in that big gray mass in your head, and gives you that smooth, healthy, sexy brain you’ve always wanted!” To demonstrate, Castwillow called forth Mindy Sheets, who received the first cerebral dose of Think Straight. “Tell ‘em what you think of your new, smooth, wrinkle-less brain!” Sheets stared for about five seconds before shouting “BING BONG!” at the top of her lungs and running into a wall. “The insanity is just a minor price to pay for beauty!” Castwillow insists. |
| STAFF Master Justin-editor in chief Baron Vince-managing editor Baron Ziegfeld-assisting editor Ludwig-editor editor The Experts-what a bunch of losers… |