Bob
Greetings, earthlings! I am Bob. I am what you people call a genius. My theories of science, history, and life are genuine works of educational art. My spelling skills are enbelievable! My punctuation, is awesome! Get ready to be taught by a real teacher!
Outer Space
To begin, I will educate you know-nothings on the vastness of space. The planets were created by the Big Bang. The Big Bang theory is simple. God was bowling with his angels one night and had too many chili cheese dogs. He let the goose loose, I.E.: the Big Bang. Thus, the planets were created. Earth and Saturn were accidents, and Pluto was God’s masterpiece. (its very small) The sun and stars were products of acid indigestion, since God had not yet invented Pepcid.
Speaking of stars..... Stars like to play connect the dots. This is how constellations were formed. All that Greek and Roman mythological crap is pure fiction. When stars go to war, they self-destruct to destroy their enemies. This process is called a “nova”. There is some controversy that black holes were made by novas, but let me assure you, this is not true. Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Now, it is said that comets are giant balls of ice and asteroids are burning pieces of space debris. But this also is incorrect. They are both actually spit wads from the Gemini Twins, Castor and Pollux.
I can only hope that I, the Great Bob, have enlightened you on the endless vacuum of space.
Well, did my space lecture teach you anything new? What did I tell you? I’m a genius! And now, I give you the “real” history of the planet Earth.
Earth’s Past
Well, now that God had made planets, he decided he’d put one to use. He decided to make Earth into an army base in his never-ending war against Lucifer. He invented “life”.
Now, the first life forms on Earth were not amoebae, as some clueless scientists would have you believe, but the Beetles. Not the insects, the band. There was actually another Beetle, Alejandro. Alejandro was killed when he was scared into an alligator pit by the world’s first (and last) walking oyster.
Next were the moodocks. The moodocks were innocent creatures who made milk. They hid away when Dinosaurs, God’s generals, suddenly attacked. Dinosaurs destroyed all resistance and conquered even the Beetles. They made them sing show tunes. Dinosaurs also invented the world’s first Caste System: food and not food.
However, the most pathetic and neandertholic race ever created by God started to revolt against the evil Dinosaurs. Humans. Humans were created to be slaves to the almighty beings not yet in existence. They could not serve if they were eaten by the Dinosaurs, so they attacked. After a long era of bloody wars, humans invented fire and used it on the Dinosaurs. This allowed them to beat the vile lizards and save the Beetles.
Now, the humans figured that if they could crush the dinosaurs, they should not have to serve anyone. Just as they began a civilization, moodocks evolved into cows. Cows were meant to be the supreme beings. They decided to destroy their rebellious human servants. After more decades of war, the humans, led by Ringo Starr and John Lenon, managed to burn the cow’s hay. Forced into starvation, the cows surrendered. Even now, though, cows still hate their human masters and rebel in deadly stampedes. The cow race is EXTREMELY deadly, for remember, humans are one mind in one body. But cows are one mind in many bodies.
Now with the cows and Dinosaurs out of the way, humanity had a chance to evolve. They invented countries. Also, one of the most vile, sadistic, and cruel things ever surfaced: politics. Politics were created by Lucifer’s daughter in law, Lucy, on a bad day. There are many myths and legends about politics, but one can be easily dispelled. Come on, people! There is no such thing as Ross Perot!
Now, there was a house painter in Germany named Rudolph Hitler. Hitler realized that Germany wasn’t getting enough hamburgers. He rose to power, blamed the Jews, and proceeded to kill the majority of them. This angered France and England, but Italy clapped her hands and said “Yay!”. This caused war to break out in Europe. The United States of America declared that they would not fight. Then, Japan dropped a bomb on them. That hurt, so the USA dropped a bigger bomb on Japan, blowing them all to slag. With civilization in unrest, the cows saw their chance. They teamed up with Josef Stalin of Russia. But, Stalin double-crossed them and sold them to Germany in the form of hamburgers. This resolved the second world war.
And now, God’s influence is all but gone. Pretty much all life forms obey Satan’s command, especially the children who are all without a future. If only you had listened to the Great Bob sooner....
Children’s Television
So, you want to know WHY all the children follow Satan’s orders? The answer is staring you in the face. Children’s television. Although all the actors look like cute stuffed magical things, they are really demons. Don’t give me that look, just observe the Teletubbies! All the kids of earth somehow got to like big fat aliens with a screwy language. And the children still like the show out of their own free will? No, no, no. The Teletubbies are devils, hypnotizing the children with their blah stare into becoming Satan’s puppets.
Oh, and how can we forget Mr. Rogers? He walks like he had an accident, talks to a trolley car, and wonders about the dumbest things, like “Do fish laugh?”. DUH! Of course they do! King Friday sounds like a drunken frog, Prince Tuesday is a kiss-up, but Mrs. Cow is almighty! Could this be a sign of another cow revolution?
Then, there’s Lamb Chop. “HELP ME, SHEWWY!” Yeesh. I of course mean “Shewwy” as Sheri Lewis. Lamb Chop is a screwed up sock and Sheri was her master. Notice I’m using the past tense on Lewis because the good Lord hath smited her, and Lamb Chop is in a coma without someone to control her. However, thanks to this diabolic duo, millions of kids around the globe are caught in eternal song thanks to “The Song that Doesn’t End”. Horrible, just horrible!
Perhaps the most demonic of all Satan’s soldiers is Barney. Barney is a big purple dinosaur with huge green spots on his butt. He sounds like a dork and can’t sing for his life. So it is fitting that he is the idol of kids everywhere. Satan’s plan is simple: while Barney distracts the kids with Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches, his accomplice Baby Bop sprinkles them with evil dust from her notorious blankie. Unfortunately, these two evildoers still exist today.
So what did I tell ya? I’m a genius!!!! Until next time, pupils, I, the Great Bob, must be off. Farewell! ::a loud crash and swearing is heard::
Watch where you’re going you stupid cat! ARGH!