| Michigan Diner (Being A Man Ain’t What It Used To Be/The Neanderthal Extinction) CAST Dorothy and Toto—announcer and pet Doris—waitress Dwayne—big tough trucker Bertha—other trucker, Dwayne’s friend Cook—Elvis impersonator, acts like Elvis throughout whole skit Sue Ellen—a yuppie Toad—(Transcendental Organic Awareness Dude) Hippie socialist college student Pizza Guy Ray—pizza delivery boy Sushi Man—Japanese sushi delivery man Dorothy. (Enters with Toto scurrying around at her feet and barking) In our first scene, we’d like to take you to a small, typical diner outside Ann Arbor, Michigan. What better place to view a cross section of humanity, all with differing hopes, dreams, and lifestyles. But yet, they all yearn for the same thing—a cheap lunch. However, things have been changing lately. The truck drivers that have been stopping here for many years are seeing new faces, and with those come new ideas and lifestyles. They are finding their world concepts and social paradigms challenged. (Lights on. There’s a person at a table with their face hidden by a newspaper. Doris is waiting on Bertha’s table. Toad is at other table drinking coffee. Cook is in background flipping burgers and occasionally doing Elvis Moves) Doris. So how are the roads today, Bertha? Bertha. Not bad. I’m making good time and I’ve got a big load on my rig. Hey Doris, let’s play our game. I’ll bet you a dollar you can’t guess what I’m hauling today. Doris. Ok, you’re on. (thinks for three seconds) Let’s see. I’ll bet you’ve got a trailer full of hogs. Bertha. Right again, Doris. I don’t know how she does it…. Doris. (Chewing gum) You want me to warm up that coffee for you, Bertha? Bertha. Yeah, I could use another cup. Doris. (Holds nose as she pours) That makes seven cups, Bertha. Bertha. I know. I got another eight hours to drive my rig to Louisville. It keeps me going. Toad. I bet it keeps you going. You’ll be pulling over every ten minutes. Bertha. Very funny, smart Alec. Hey Doris, who is this guy? Doris. Him? He’s one of the college students from Ann Arbor. Bertha. What’s he doing way out here in the boonies? Doris. He doesn’t like it in Ann Arbor, he says all the students there are bourgeois fascists or something like that. Bertha. What is that? Some sort of disease? Doris. I don’t know, but if it is, it must be serious. Bertha. Hey kid, my name’s Bertha, what’s yours? Toad. My name is….Toad. Bertha. Toad? That’s a name? Your name is Toad? Toad. Yep. Bertha. Why on earth would your mother name you Toad? (To Doris) No wonder he likes to be alone. Doris. Yeah. Poor thing. Toad. No, it’s not my birth name. It’s my newly adopted name. It stands for Transcendental Organic Awareness Dude. Bertha. Doris, he’s scaring me. Doris. Don’t go near him, I think he has fleas. (Dwayne storms in.) Dwayne. Hi Doris! How are ya doing, beautiful? Doris. I’m doing just fine Dwayne. How are you? Dwayne. Well I’ve been better! I WAS having a good morning. I was doing great time coming into Kalamazoo from East Chicago until I got cut off by one of those shiny little red BMW convertibles. I darn near jackknifed my rig! Doris. What are you hauling, Dwayne? Dwayne. Grade A Army Surplus Napalm. The company in East Chicago is secretly selling it to WalMart. They repackage it and sell it as charcoal lighter. They’re making a million. Bertha. Isn’t that dangerous? Dwayne. There have only been a few injuries. Every once in a while, one of them Webber grills goes off like a cluster bomb. I’ll tell you what, if I had hit the ditch with that load, you would have heard it in Toronto! That skinny little yuppie almost killed me! Doris. Sorry to hear it. What are you going to have, Dwayne? Dwayne. I’ll have the usual, Doris. Doris. Let’s see, that’s 3 double cheese bacon burgers with an extra large chili-cheese fries and a double root beer float, cherry pie with vanilla ice cream and cheese on top. Dwayne. Doris, you are the greatest! I don’t know how you remember that. Doris. It’s not that hard Dwayne. You’ve had it every day for the last twelve years. (Doris walks back with order. Cook takes it and does some overtly Elvis dances as he cooks) Dwayne. Hi Bertha. What’s up, partner? Bertha. Not much Dwayne. Sounds like you had an exciting morning. Dwayne. Sure did. I’m a nervous wreck. I tell you what, Bertha, if I could get my hands on that little geek I’d rip him in half! (Person with newspaper starts shaking, rattling paper) Do you know what he was doing? He was driving down the road, gabbing away on this tiny little cell phone! He didn’t even know he cut me off! Toad. Typical! Can’t you see the bourgeois fascist pigs don’t care at all about the working man? It’s time for us proletariat to rise up collectively and overthrow the powers that be and share the wealth! Dwayne. Who is that, and what is he talking about? Sharing! What, is he nuts? Bertha. He’s some college student named Toad. Hey Toad, I ain’t sharing my wealth with anybody. I built my empire with my own two hands. And I’m keeping it. Toad. Can’t you see? All they care about is money, power, and greed. Dwayne. …What’s wrong with money, power, and greed? Bertha. I don’t know. It works for me. (They look at Doris) Doris. You got me. Hey Dwayne, you say he was driving a red BMW convertible? Dwayne. Yep. Doris. He must have money. Was he cute? Dwayne. Cute? How would I know if he was cute? He looked like one of them sissy, skinny little Calvin Klein boys! I tell you what, he may be cute now Doris, but if I ever get my hands on that little creep, he’ll never be cute again!!! And I mean it!!! (Newspaper rattles loudly—person behind is obviously afraid) Bertha. (Looking out window) Dwayne…you say he was driving a red BMW convertible? Dwayne. That’s right Bertha. Bertha. Is it like the one in the parking lot? What a coincidence! Imagine that! I ain’t never seen one around here before, and now there’s two. Dwayne. What! He’s here?! I’ll kill him! Where is he? I’LL KILL HIM! (Papers fly into the air as Sue Ellen screams and leaps to her feet) Sue Ellen. Stand back! Stand back! I’m armed! Dwayne. Ah ha! That’s him! That’s the little yuppie that almost killed me! Why I ought to take you out to that parking lot and skin you alive. Toad. Kill the fascist pig! Down with capitalistic imperialist oppressors! Sue Ellen. Not so fast, big boy, I’ve got pepper spray. Dwayne. Pepper spray? Big deal, I cook with that stuff. I put it on my omelets in the morning. (Prepares to kill Sue Ellen) Doris. Here’s your food, Dwayne. (Cautiously sets down tray) Dwayne. …Wait a minute! (Stops his advance and darts to the food. Takes one bite and goes back to the yuppie.) Gimme that! (Dwayne snatches pepper spray and sprays it on his food. He scarfs it down like a wild animal) All right, all right! I’m ready now! Come on, pal. It’s gonna be you and me in the parking lot. Mono e mono. Sue Ellen. (Scared and surprised) You want to fight me? Bertha. Hey Dwayne, he’s got an awfully high voice. I think he’s a girl. Dwayne. A girl!! Are you a girl? Sue Ellen. Of course I’m a girl. Haven’t you ever seen a girl before? Dwayne. Sure I have! My mom’s a girl and Doris is a girl and you don’t look like either. Doris. And Dwayne…Bertha’s a girl too. Dwayne. You are?! Bertha. (Stands up, really mad) Yes, I’m a girl!!! Dwayne. Sorry, guess I never really thought about it. Sue Ellen. Have you lost your mind? This is not the answer. I am not going out into that filthy parking lot. I’ll get my Armani suit all dusty! I have a better idea…let’s have a duel. Dwayne. A duel! What do you think this is, Dodge City? You’re a nut! Besides, I’m the president of our local National Assault Rifle Association. Sue Ellen. Isn’t it just called the National Rifle Association? All. Not in Michigan. Sue Ellen. (To audience) This is not looking good. (To Dwayne) I didn’t have guns in mind. Dwayne. I don’t care. You name it, dweeb. Knives, baseball bats, chains, I’m ready! Sue Ellen. (Hands him a cell phone) Here’s your weapon. Dwayne. What’s this? Sue Ellen. A cell phone. Dwayne. You want me to call you an ambulance? Sue Ellen. No! It’s my weapon of choice. Dwayne. You want to have a cell phone duel? Sue Ellen. You got it, partner. Bertha. Stand back Doris, there’s no stopping them. (Dwayne and Sue Ellen circle each other like in a western gunfight. Toad, Bertha, and Doris lean in to watch. Cook looks up from his work in interest.) Sue Ellen. Order sushi! (Dials quickly while Dwayne fumbles with controls) Hello, I’d like you to deliver an assortment of yellow tail salmon and smoked eel to the King’s Diner in Sogitash Michigan. Dwayne. Hey! That’s not fair! I didn’t know there was a sushi joint around here. Sue Ellen. Actually there’s not. I just punched in my Sun Microsystems hand held computer and ordered through sushi dot com. It’s on its way from Tokyo. Dwayne. Good one, girlie, but this one is my call! (They circle a little longer.) Order a pizza! (Dwayne gets this one down right away) Hello, Luigi’s? Tell Ray to get over here with a pizza right now or I’m gonna… (Pizza Guy Ray enters quickly) Ray. Here you go Dwayne…it’s on the house! (Runs off scared) Dwayne. Ha ha! Now we’re even! This one is it. You’re gonna find out what it is like to be a real loser, missie! Bertha. Yeah, Dwayne can tell you, it’s not a pleasant feeling. Doris. That’s right! He knows. Dwayne. Thanks for backing me up girls! (The two circle one final time) Sue Ellen. Call your mother! (Dwayne dials right away while Sue Ellen just stands there.) Toad. Look at her, she’s not even dialing! Doris. She’s lost her mind. Bertha. You got her now, Dwayne! Dwayne. Hello ma. I got to make this fast because I’m about to squash a little worm, here. I got to go ma…yeah, ma, I know I promised to call more often…yea ma, yea ma…but I been busy….ma, I been on the road! Yeah, I know they have phones in other states, but…hey, ma…! (Sue Ellen sneaks out while Dwayne is trapped) Bertha. Dwayne, she’s getting away! Toad. Stop her! Bertha. Sorry Dwayne, you’ll never be able to catch her in that BMW. They’re too fast. Dwayne. Yeah, I know…she got away! Bertha. I’m sorry, Dwayne. Toad. (Puts his arms around Dwayne and Bertha) One good thing has come from this. We proletariat workers have finally come together to fight the capitalist pig bourgeoisie. We stand shoulder to shoulder, comrades in arms, ready to fight to the death for our freedom to share everything we have with everyone else. To build a world where working men like you can support middle aged college students like myself in their quest for truth and knowledge. Dwayne. You know what, Bertha? Bertha. Yeah, Dwayne? Dwayne. There’s only one thing I hate more than pencil necked yuppie geeks. Bertha. I know what ya mean, Dwayne. Toad. And what might that be, my comrades? (Dwayne and Bertha glare at Toad. He realizes he’s about to be killed and points at the Cook) Look! I think it’s Elvis! Cook. The KING! Dwayne and Bertha. Where?! Toad. Hey bourgeoisie!!! Wait for me!!! (Runs out) Dwayne. (Sitting down in bad mood) You know what, Bertha? The world just ain’t what it used to be. Bertha. Yeah…you’re right, Dwayne, things sure have changed. (Sushi Man enters, kicking at something offstage) Sushi Man. Stop trying to steal my sushi you filthy American children! Grrrr, Americans!!! (To Dwayne and Bertha and Doris) Did someone order sushi? Dwayne. Not us. Sushi Man. (Infuriated and frustrated) …Curse you lousy Americans! If you will not eat it…you wear it! (Throws sushi on Dwayne and Bertha and storms out) Bertha. (Watches Dwayne pick up piece of sushi) Hey Dwayne…you’re not gonna eat that stuff are you? It’s kind of gross. Dwayne. Why not? Hey Doris! Doris. Yeah Dwayne? Dwayne. Pass the pepper spray. Doris. Sure, Dwayne. |