| SCENE ONE (Castle) Announcer. In the year 1040, in an ancient castle on a huge wooded estate in Gaul, there lived a beautiful but wicked and vain queen. Her beauty was exceeded only by one maiden, her lovely stepdaughter, Snow White. Insanely jealous, the evil queen turned to treachery and sorcery to rid herself of her rival. (Curtain opens to reveal the evil Queen sitting on her throne with guards around her.) Queen. Stand at attention when I enter! Guards. Yes, your highness! Queen. Look at you! You’re pitiful! Pull in that gut! Stick out that chest! (Bob torments the guards along with the Queen) I’ve never seen such a sorry excuse for soldiers in my life. I should throw you all to the crocodiles in the moat and bring in some choirboys to replace you! Bob. Yes! Yes! Throw them to the crocodiles! Please, please, please, please! (Bob imitates the thrashing of a feeding croc) Queen. (Queen stares at Bob, annoyed. Bob looks up and stops cold.) Tell me something, Guards, and you had better get this right! Who is the most beautiful lady in the land? Guard 1. (He is the wise guy of the guards.) Jenny McCarthy! Queen. (Gives them a dirty look.) What! Guard 2. You are, ma’am…I mean, you are, Your Highness! (Elbows Guard 1) Guard 1. Yeah, you are, Queenie Baby. Queen. Shut up, you fools, or I’ll have you guarding the maggots in the dungeon! Guard 1. What’s the difference? Queen. (Shakes her head and growls.) Oh shut up, you fools! What would you know about beauty, anyway? What would you know about anything? You’re a bunch of ignorant palace guards. I don’t know why I even talk to you. Bob, go bring me my magic mirror! (Bob runs off and brings back the mirror.) Bob. Yes, Your Highness! The magic mirror! Here is your highness’s magic mirror! Queen. Magic mirror, can you hear me? Bob. (Bob speaking for the mirror) Yes, Your Highness! (Realizes he’s using his own voice and then changes it.) Yes, your highness, I can hear you. Queen. Hello magic mirror. So tell me, how do I look? (Guard 1, in a bad mood and an obvious troublemaker, pokes Bob in the butt with his sword. The other guards are afraid and motion for him to stop.) Bob. AHHH! Queen. What did you say?! Bob. You look lovely my (Guard 1 pokes Bob again, his voice goes up) QUEEEEEN! Queen. Bob! Stop shaking the mirror. You’re causing its voice to change! Bob. (Guard 1 pokes him again.) No! No! Noooo! Queen. Bob! I’ve had enough of your nonsense. Give the magic mirror to the guard if you can’t behave. Bob. (Upset and visibly distrusts the guard.) But your highness, it’s MY job to hold the magic mirror! I’ve ALWAYS held the magic mirror! I REALLY don’t think it’s a good idea if the guard holds the magic mirror! Queen. Bob, stop arguing with me and give the guard the mirror. Now! Bob. Yes, your highness… (Bob gives Guard 1 a dirty look and hands over the mirror.) Queen. Magic mirror, can you hear me? Guard 1. Yah, Queenie Baby, I can hear ya. (Guard 2 crosses fingers, Guard 3 puts hands over his eyes and peeks out.) Queen. Mirror, something’s wrong, you sound a little funny to me. Have you been hanging around those guards? Guard 1. Well, ahh, ya, they’ve been using me to shave in the morning. Queen. Yechh! That’s disgusting! You mean to tell me that you have to look at those ugly, filthy, belching, ignorant, smelly guys first thing in the morning? If I were you, I’d shatter! (Guard 1 gets mad.) Well, I want you to stop hanging around those guards. (Queen tries to make a joke.) I don’t want you to be a bad reflection on the palace. Get it, bad reflection? (Guards laugh wildly, but quickly silence and roll their eyes when Queen looks away.) Now, magic mirror, mirror in the guard’s slimy, greasy hands…who is the most beautiful Queen in all of the land? Guard 1. (Looking at audience.) Oh, this is too easy! You are the most beautiful queen in all of Gaul. Queen. Thank you, mirror. Guard 1. But don’t get too excited Queenie: you’re the ONLY queen in all of Gaul. (Guards laugh until Queen screams.) Queen. What?! All right then, mirror, why don’t you just tell us who is the most beautiful WOMAN in all of Gaul? Guard 1. The most beautiful maiden in all the land issss….(Guard 1 hesitates. He’s angry. He smiles a mischievous smile at the audience.) Not you, Queenie. (Bob is horrified.) There’s one that exceeds even your beauty. Queen. What! Who is it? I demand to know! (Bob goes crazy trying to get the guards’ attention to stop him before the queen freaks out.) Guard 1. Let’s see it’s ah, ah…Snow White! (Other guards are so surprised that they drop their weapons. Bob is flipping out.) Queen. Whaaaat?! Snow White!! That scrawny little thing! I ought to smash you into a million pieces! (She winds up.) Guard 1. Seven years bad luck, Queenie! Queen. Guard, I’ve had enough. Put that mirror away. I can’t believe this. I won’t stand for this! (Guard leaves with mirror and returns.) Listen to me, you dirt balls! I want you to go find Snow White and tell her to dress up in her finest clothes, and then take her to the forest and kill her! I will not allow anyone to eclipse my beauty. Not anyone. Guard 3. Oh no! Guard 2. Please, not that! Queen. Do as I say, or your heads will roll! Guards. Yes, your highness! |