| SCENE FIVE (The Castle) Announcer. Believing Snow White to be in a deep sleep, the evil Queen is in her glory, thinking now that she is the most beautiful in the land. Queen. (To the audience) Now with Snow White out of the way I am the most beautiful in the land. I think I’ll turn her room into an extra dungeon, you can’t have too many of those, you know. Or better yet, a room full of mirrors so I can look at my beautiful self. (Turns to Guards) So guards, tell me, who is the most beautiful in the land? Guards. You are, Your Highness. (Queen turns to audience and smiles. Guards stick fingers down their throats.) Bob. I don’t think so. (Guards stop and look at Bob.) Queen. What did you say? Bob. She’s alive. Queen. Who? Bob. Snow White. (Guards straighten up and stand at attention. They were found out.) Queen. What? How could this be? How do you know? Bob. I followed the guards when they left to go find Snow White. You know how much I love to watch people beaten and tortured! Oh, yes! I just had to go watch! The soldiers took her to the forest as you commanded. But they didn’t kill her. Queen. They didn’t? (Queen turns and looks at guards angrily.) Tell me, exactly what did they do? Bob. They had a picnic. Queen. What?! Bob. Yes, they had a picnic, and then they let her go and she ran off into the forest. But don’t worry, I followed her. I know exactly where she is. (Bob rubs his hands together evilly) Queen. You fools! I told you to kill her! (Soldiers are in a panic, trying to lie their way out of their fix) Guard 2. Queenie, listen, I can explain! It was a simple mistake! Did you say kill her? (Obviously lying). I thought you said fill her, so I fed her ham and cheese sandwiches. Queen. You fed her! I wanted you to strangle her! Guard 3. Oh no! Did you say strangle her? I thought you said dangle her, so I pushed her on a swing after lunch. Queen. Pushed her on a swing! You should have cut her throat. Guard 1. Cut her throat! Oh, dear! That’s where I went wrong! I thought you said tell her jokes! Hey, have you heard the one about the guy who walks into a bar with a monkey? Queen. (Furious) Shut up, you fools! (Guards stand at attention, frightened that the Queen may have them killed) It’s obvious that I must take care of this myself. I need a foolproof plan, one that must not fail. (Queen paces around in deep thought. Guards hum the Jeopardy theme song) Bob. How about a poison apple? Queen. No, that’s been done before. (Resumes pacing and Guards hum Jeopardy theme again.) Bob. How about a poison cappuccino? Queen. No, that’s too trendy. She’s not that type. (Paces one last time and Guards hum again until she stops.) Oh yes! I’ve got it! This is the most gruesome and horrible thing a young woman could ever experience. I’ll go as a Mary Kay saleswoman. She’ll never recognize me. Bob. Yes! Yes! How ingenious! We’ll get her with poison lipstick! Queen. Yes! Get my pink outfit. (Bob runs off stage left) Snow White will not escape me. (Bob returns with outfit) Bob. Here it is my Queen! Queen. Yes. Pink has just become my new favorite color. (Red spotlight on Queen, mixing cauldron. Queen recites Shakespeare parody.) Boil, boil, toil and trouble. Kettle burn and cauldron bubble. We’ll make the pretty one go away With just one visit from Mary Kay Boil, boil, oil and dipstick Give me a batch of poison lipstick! When this touches her lips, she’ll fall into a deep sleep and never come out! (Queen laughs maniacally.) |