| Jeopardy (Superstar Showdown) CAST Dorothy and Toto—announcer and pet Zak Hanson Tay Hanson Ike Hanson Baby Spice Posh Spice Scary Spice Sporty Spice Ginger Spice Alex Trebek—host Dorothy. In our next scene we bring you to the taping of an American institution. The Jeopardy show! In America everyone has an equal chance, an equal opportunity to make it to the top and be a success, and no one has proved the point that anyone can make it to the top more than our musical guests tonight on Celebrity Jeopardy! (Toto raises his hind leg and “takes a leak. Dorothy shoves him in disgust and they leave the stage, Dorothy with an apologetic smile to the audience.) (Stage lights on. Hansons are seated on one side, Spice Girls on the other, Alex behind center podium.) Alex. It was pop artist Andy Warhol who once said that in the future, everyone will be famous, but for only fifteen minutes. His words seem prophetic when considering the careers of our musical guests tonight on Celebrity Jeopardy. How about a round of applause for the Spice Girls and the Hanson Brothers! Even though the Hansons look like girls, we’ll start with the real ladies first. (Hansons give Alex a dirty look.) Please pick a category, ladies. Baby Spice. Thank you Alex. We’d like to pick Theoretical Physical Cosmetology for $800 please. Alex. Are you sure? Wouldn’t you rather pick TV Shows, or maybe Cartoon Characters? Scary Spice. No thank you, Alex, Baby’s choice of Theoretical Physical Cosmetology will be quite fine. Alex. Very well. Good luck. This is a super condensed object the size of an atom far out in the universe which contains the mass of a mountain and with an escape envelope which far exceeds the limits of its physical size. Posh Spice. What is a primordial black hole? Alex. Correct for $800. I’m very impressed! Tay. Why didn’t you answer that one? Zak. How was I supposed to know that? Ike. Because you’re so spaced out. You should know that universe stuff. Zak. Oh yeah, I guess you’re right. Tay. We have to get this next one. Alex. Girls, would you like to pick another category? Sporty Spice. Yes Alex, we’d like Physics for $1200 please. Alex. Physics? I hope you know what you’re doing girls. They are rapidly moving particles ejected from the sun, which affect ionized plasma within the Earth’s magnetic field resulting in the Aurora Borealis. Posh. What is solar wind? Alex. Correct for $1200. Very good ladies. Well, we don’t want to leave the Hansons out, so boys would you like to pick a category? Zak. We want physics too! Ike. What is the matter with you? Why did you pick physics? Zak. Because they already answered all the hard ones! Tay. Good thinking, Zak Alex. We normally don’t allow guests to pick the same category, but I’ll make an exception. (To audience.) After all, this should be interesting. For $2000, it moves 500,000 times faster than the speed of sound. Zak. I got it! I got it! That’s easy. I know this. It’s: How fast did our career fall apart? Alex. No, I’m sorry, Zak. Girls, do you know the answer? Scary. You were certainly close, Zak, but the question is what is the speed of light? Alex: Correct for $2000. Sporty, would you like to pick a category? Sporty. Yes. We’d like nuclear fission for $3000 please. Alex. His hard work and determination gave us the bomb. Tay. I know! I know! Stephen Spielberg! Posh. Stephen Spielberg? Zak. Yeah, that bug movie was the bomb! It was so cool. Ike. Right on, dudes! Alex. I am sorry, boys. That’s not what we were referring to. Girls, do you have an answer? Sporty. Of course. Who was Oppenheimer? Alex. Correct for $3000. Back to the Hansons. Would you like to pick a category, Tay? Tay. Yes, I’d like Heavenly Bodies please. Alex. What heavenly body is white and icy cold? Zak. I know! Madonna? Alex. No, I’m sorry. Girls? Scary. What is Jupiter’s third Galilean Moon, Europa? Alex. That’s correct. This is our bonus question worth $5000. This is a horrible, terrible place unfit for life of any kind covered with sulfuric compounds and poisonous gases spewing out of huge vents far into its acidic atmosphere. Zak. This time I’ve got it for sure, dudes. What is East Chicago? Alex. No, I’m sorry. Girls? Posh. What is Venus? Alex. Correct. Boys, a category? Zak. I know. We’ll pick music. We’ll stick with what we know. Tay. Yeah, get ready boys, we’ll make our comeback! Alex. They were known for writing the first rock opera. Zak. Who? Alex. That’s right!! Ike. We got one! We got one! Zak. We do…? Alex. The next musical item: He is known for singing “The Thrill Is Gone”. Zak. I know! Who is Mr. Gikas? Alex. No, I’m sorry. Girls? Sporty. Who is B.B. King? Alex. Yep. Before we go any further with the game, I have a question for the Spice Girls. I have often wondered whatever happened to Ginger Spice? Did she leave the band because of artistic differences or did you have a falling out? Scary. A falling out? Oh no, not at all. Baby. Ginger is a darling girl. Sporty. Yes, we adore her. Posh. Well…I suppose we can tell Alex the truth. Scary. Yes, I think we should. You see, Alex, all of us Spice Girls spent many years at a University and have graduate degrees from various prestigious schools. Baby. All of us except Ginger, of course. Posh. Yes. You see, our producer found her singing in a country band while he was on holiday in Cedar Lake, Indiana. Alex. What was he doing on holiday in Cedar Lake Indiana?! Sporty. We’re afraid to speculate, but nonetheless that is where he found her. Scary. You see, Ginger has always felt a bit insecure with us due to her lack of a higher education. She never felt she fit in, so she left the band to find her own way in life. Alex. That is quite surprising. Most people would never guess that you all are highly educated. Baby. Quite right, Alex. Things are never as they appear. Posh. That’s right, Alex. Most people assume you’re quite intelligent with your knowledge of mundane trivia. Scary. Yes, they probably don’t stop to consider that you’ve never had a complete or analytical thought in your life, not to mention theoretical analysis or cognitive synthesis. Sporty. Very true, good point. Alex. Yes…of course….what’s cognitive synthesis? Oh, who cares, I make a ton of bread. Tell me…are you still friends with Ginger Spice? Scary. Oh yes! As a matter of fact, she’s backstage right now. Alex. She is? That’s fantastic. Why don’t you bring her out and do a number for our studio audience? Posh. Smashing idea, Alex. Baby. You’re smarter than we thought! Sporty. Come on out, Ginger! (Ginger Spice enters and the Spice Girls sing refrain to Spice Up Your Life) Alex. That was wonderful, ladies. Tell me, Ginger, what are your plans for the future now that you’ve left the Spice Girls? Ginger. Things were going badly for a while, Alex. I must admit that I was very intimidated by my colleagues…but now all that has changed. Spice Girls. Go girl!!! Ginger. I always felt incompetent around the other Spice Girls but now my life has turned around. I’m in love with a man who makes me feel brilliant whenever I’m with him. Alex. That’s fantastic. Who’s the lucky man? Ginger. Why, Zak, of course! We’re getting married! Zak. We are? Ginger. Yes we are. You make me feel so smart. Zak. I do? Cool! Ike. Hey, Mr. Know-It-All! I don’t see YOU with a Spice Girl! Alex. Shut up. Ahem. That’s all the time we have tonight folks, at Celebrity Jeopardy. Good night. Spice Girls. Girl power! Hansons. Right on! |