In The Neighborhood
This story is a tribute to all the parents in the world who have to put up with us angel-darling kids. Behold, a typical day in the Juno household!
Fritz Juno stood in the darkest pit of his soul(the living room), looking at the malicious little devils most people called children. His three kids were running around the house for an hour or six, then settled down to do their own individual things. He never should have had three kids. Fritz and Mary Juno had a normal house, normal jobs, and three kids that went to normal schools with other normal kids. But the three young Junos were far from normal. They were possessed by monkeys. Or at least that was Fritz’ theory.
The oldest kid was Buddy. He was the sporty one, the jock, and always playing tricks on his brother and sister. The middle child, Al, was always after attention. He would do anything to be noticed, he even pretended to be a ferret at the family picnic so he could get noticed by his other relatives. The youngest, Misty, had an impressive vocabulary for a 4 year old.....when she chose to talk, that is. She was also the mother’s favorite, earning her the jealousy of her siblings.
“Nope,” Fritz muttered as he took a seat on the sofa, “Never should have had three kids. Of course, the limburger was doped with Viagra, so I really had no say in it.”
“Hey, Dad!” Al called out from the balcony that was the top of their stairway, “I’m Batman!”
It was true. He was dressed up in a black hood and a long, black cape that looked an awful lot like Mary’s curtains....
“Very nice, Al!” Fritz chuckled, “What is that rope for?” Al had in his hands a long rope with a weight at the end.
“It’s my grappling hook!” he declared, “Watch!” He threw the weighted end of the rope on top of the metal board above the door. The weight, which was obviously a magnet, stuck tight to the metal.
“Cool!” Fritz laughed, “Very clever!”
“Oh ya?!” Al said, “Watch THIS!”
“DAD!” a new voice boomed, “Watch me! I’m about to beat the game!”
Buddy was immersed in Goldeneye 64, a popular video game. Fritz liked the game also. He turned to watch his son kill Trevelyan, the final boss.
“No! Watch ME!” Al begged.
Fritz knew where this was headed. Misty solved his problem by letting out a shrill and unexpected scream in Buddy’s ear. Buddy had apparently kicked her accidentally, but NO ONE kicked Misty Juno and ever got away with it. Buddy dropped the controller to cover his ears and a loud shot was heard. Buddy’s head snapped up to see blood cover his screen and Trevelyan’s mocking eyes staring into his own.
“NOOOOOOO!” he bellowed, “You mangy little-”
“Buddy! Don’t finish that!” Fritz interrupted, “Misty, go to your room. Now! Buddy, cool it. And Al.......Al?!”
Fritz turned around just in time to see his son jump off the stairway, clutching the “grappling hook” and swinging towards.......the closed door.
“Al! NO!” But Fritz was too late. Al slammed hard into the door and collapsed in a heap. Fritz and Buddy ran up to the downed child.
“Batman?” Buddy could not control his laughter, “More like George of the Jungle!”
Al stuck out his lower lip, looked right at his dad, and burst into tears.
Fritz scooped up his kid and ran to the bathroom to check for a broken forehead.
“Why did you do that?!” he demanded, “That kind of monkey business can get you killed! Wait a minute.....monkey business.....those monkey spirits again!” He seized his son by the shoulders and shook him. “Leave this boy, Devil Man!” This only made Al more uncomfortable.
After checking his son for injury, Fritz left the bathroom to talk to Misty. She was not in her room. Suddenly, Fritz heard a loud squeal from the living room. He ran into the room to see his curious daughter holding the “grappling hook” and preparing to launch. He hadn’t taken the hook down! Oh no!
“Misty! For the love of Jim, NO!” Too late again. Misty jumped off and swung towards the door....which opened to reveal Mary Juno, holding bags of groceries. Misty collided head on with her mother. The groceries flew everywhere and Mary and Misty lay sprawled out on the grass.
Fritz peeked out the door. Amidst the broken glass and squashed tomatoes, Mary Juno fixed her husband with a glare that would make Castro freak. Fritz gulped.
“Hi, honey.”
Mary was still cheesed off before dinner.
“You were supposed to watch them!” she scolded her husband as they set the table. “I go out for two hours to buy groceries and come home to see my daughter swinging like Tarzaan on a vine!”
“Grappling hook,” Fritz corrected her.
“Whatever!” she hissed, “And now I hear that Al has done the same thing! He could have suffered a concussion!”
“Could have, but didn’t!” Fritz pointed out.
“WHY WOULD YOU LET THEM DO THAT?!”
“I didn’t!” Fritz protested, “Those monkey spirits are unpredictable! What are you so worried about? Al and Misty are fine!”
“I’m the mother!” Mary snapped, “It’s my God-given job to worry! And to top it off, I need more groceries!”
“I’ll get them, don’t worry!” Fritz would do anything right now to save his hide. “I think Misty liked it! She had a good day!”
“Well good for her! My day was ruined when I flew backwards off my porch! It was a crazy day!” She paused. “Well, okay, maybe it was a normal day for this family.”
They all settled down for a nice, family dinner. Right.
“I don’t like green beans!” Al declared, “I’m not eating them!”
“If Al doesn’t have to eat his green beans, then I’m not eating my pork chops!” Buddy said flatly.
“You will eat your pork,” Mary said sternly, “Because Al is going to eat every last green bean.”
“No I’m not!” Al snapped, “Just try and make me!”
“You will not leave this table,” Fritz growled, “Until you eat your beans.”
“Yeah, Jungle Boy!” Buddy chuckled.
Al jumped up and ran for the door. Fritz leaped up and blocked his son’s only escape.
“Sit down and eat your beans. NOW!”
“Yessir,” Al peeped and ran back to his chair. He ate those beans faster than anyone could imagine. Buddy poked at his pork, occasionally eating a piece.
Finally, to everyone’s suprise, Misty got up, walked to the refrigerator, took out bread, a jar of peanut butter, a jar of jelly, smeared them all together, put the stuff back, walked back to the table, and feasted.
“Hey!” Buddy started laughing, “I like her style!”
“NOT FAIR! NOT FAIR AT ALL!” Al whined, “How come Misty gets a PB&J?!”
“First come,” Misty said through mouthfuls, “First serve!”
Mary smirked. Fritz laughed. Buddy almost cried laughing. Al pouted.
Ah, bedtime. The kids are asleep, the crickets are chirping, and all your problems of the day can be forgotten. Fat chance, pal.
Fritz and Mary raced upstairs. Al had screamed loudly a minute ago, and although Fritz still thought it was just the wind, the two parents ran up to their sons’ room, expecting the worst.
What they found: A petrified Al, a hysterical Buddy, and a glow in the dark mask on the floor. Put two and two together.
“It’s n-n-n-not fun-n-n-n-y!” Al stammered. Fritz cracked a grin and Mary kicked him sharply.
“IT’S NOT FUNNY!” AL screamed, waking Misty, who walked quietly into the room.
“Buddy?” Mary asked sternly, “Did you scare your brother?”
“Again?” Fritz added, and received another kick.
“Did I ever!” Buddy laughed, “His eyes went wide as doorknobs! He practically jumped through the roof!”
“I.....I wasn’t scared!” Al puffed out his chest bravely, “I was just.....suprised!”
“You were ready to wet your pants!” Buddy laughed again, then checked his brother’s pants. “No, revise that!” Even Mary laughed a little.
“All right, all right, party’s over, nothing to see here!” Fritz snapped to attention, “Back to bed. We will discuss this tomorrow morning.”
Well, all in all, it was a fairly typical day in the neighborhood.