| Odessa Files |
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| WE KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP. |
| Publisher: Justin the Hun |
| Volume 2, Issue 7 |
| 6/16/02 |
| COLORADO SELF-DESTRUCTS The heat is on. By Baron Vince DENVER—Colorado has spent the past week implementing its self-destruct mechanism, causing most of the state to erupt in nearly unquenchable flames that have almost but not quite neutralized the state in its entirety. The decision to destroy itself came after weeks of stress amplified by the defeat of its hockey team at the hands of Detroit, Michigan. Colorado’s meager population played another key role. It feels left out of world affairs, being as it only has a timy amount of electoral votes. In short…well, if you could do it, wouldn’t you? “I’m useless,” Colorado summarized. “There’s just nothing left. I’ve done everything I can do, which isn’t much. I’ve hosted the Grand Canyon for some years, but I figure I ought to start sharing. I know Wyoming has been pining for the Canyon lately, but I don’t know…I don’t see Wyoming sharing Yellowstone, do you? Denver’s really high up, so I guess that’s an interesting perk…but, no, it just makes everyone who comes to visit piss and moan about the headaches that come with a sudden increase in altitude. Excuse me! I’m just one state, here. I can’t change the world. Hell, I can’t even change myself. Goodbye, cruel world!” For those of you who live in Colorado, it is probably a little too soon to start worrying. Colorado has done this conflagration thing before and always it backs off, usually with help from Utah. “Colorado just needs to stop feeling sorry for itself,” Utah insists. “That’s how it always is. Colorado never handled its liquor well, y’see. So, occasionally it gets depressed and thinks that the whole entire world is coming down on it. But once someone, usually me, forces ol’ Col to snap out of it, things get better fast.” Colorado’s self-destruct mechanism is composed of the sun. The sun produces heat, which reduces the chance of rainfall. This coupled with the average competence of human campers produces roaring forest fires that spread throughout the state like…well, like wildfire. Firefighters fight in vain until Colorado regains some self-esteem and calls the whole thing off. “Sorry guys,” Colorado will say sheepishly. “False alarm.” Of course, the most common response to this article will be, “Does Washington, D.C., more specifically the Congress buildings, have one of these self-destruct things, and if so, can it not be a false alarm?” |
| SADDAM REALLY HATES IT WHEN WE GO AND DO THAT Whatcha gonna do when ‘dey come for you? By Baron Ziegfeld BAGHDAD—Iraqi president Saddam Hussein reportedly “really hates it when America goes and tells the CIA to bring his head to President Bush in a paper bag”. “This is horrible,” observed Saddam. “I’m no stranger to hiding myself like a little wussy, but it’s always a struggle to do so. I have to go and restock my shelter, and if you think American canned food sucks, wait till you get a load of Iraqi supplies! Then I have to go through all the trouble of putting my military on full alert, hiding my illegal biological and nuclear programs even further, getting a platoon of loyal bodyguards, oh, the list goes on and on. Desert Storm was bad enough…now I have to put up with the CIA in private, without a war going on in the background? What is that? Come on, people, at least make it fair!” The Central Intelligence Agency recently received orders from on high to bring down Saddam Hussein, peacefully if possible (wink, nudge) and if that fails they can resort to elimination. “It’s not much fun for us, either,” CIA Director George Tenet explained. “We have to go through all this red tape to make sure that we do in fact have a license to kill, and then we have to do all these reports and handle all this information about where Hussein may be, who is with him, where his illegal programs are…who am I kidding, this is the most fun I’ve had in years! We get to take out one of the world’s king terrorists, and it’ll even be legal!” “I wish the CIA would stop doing that,” Saddam’s psychologist said. “Saddam gets all upset and paranoid when they go and do that ‘assassinate the evil dictator’ thing. It’s nothing less than horrible…occasionally he’ll shoot an advisor that looks at him funny, or refuse to ride in a vehicle that has any potential whatsoever of stopping. It’s just so damnably annoying, and I’m the one who has to put up with it.” The Central Intelligence Agency has been looking for a way to do this peacefully, but according to Tenet, “Peace is a very difficult word to define. I mean, would you say peace is ‘please, sir, we need you out of office now, it’s time,’ or would you define it as ‘get the hell out of here right this instant, you slimy, Kuwaiti-killing, oil-hording, terrorist-promoting, evil bastard or we will kill you with blunt objects’? It’s very complicated.” |
| VULGAR, REBELLIOUS MUSICIAN RECEIVES KNIGHTHOOD IN ENGLAND; EMINEM PERKS UP Shady’s back. By Ludwig LONDON—Musician Mick Jagger, the vulgar, rebellious rock star of Rolling Stones fame, recently received a knighthood in England for entertaining the public for so long. Hearing that a man of this caliber could indeed get places in life, American rapper Eminem suddenly received a new hope for the future. Eminem, also known as Slim Shady or Marshal Mathers, has experienced a rather rocky road to stardom. His songs, which include The Real Slim Shady and Stan, often convey violent, vulgar emotions and opinions. He degrades women and trashes fellow stars. “Hello!” Eminem commented, “this is RAP! Rap is all ABOUT violence, vulgarity, degradation towards women, and insulting others! Everyone does it! Why should it make a difference if I do?” “Whatchoo talkin’ bout!” black rapper P Diddy responded. “That boy is WHITE! That makes ALL the difference! Whites aren’t ALLOWED to be vulgar.” Many government agencies have chastised Eminem for his lyrics, and for a while it looked as though he had retreated into the shadows as a forgotten icon of what music shouldn’t be. However, Jagger’s knighthood has given Eminem renewed hope that if he continues to be vulgar and rebellious, he will go far in life, as per the American Dream. “If he could do it,” Eminem said rationally, “so can I. And if I can’t, I’ll bash Jagger in my next song.” “Shady’s back,” background singers announce in Eminem’s new hit, Without Me. “Back and better than ever!” he insists. |
| “CLEAN BOMB” CONFUSES HELL OUT OF AUTHORITIES Chicago is saved (?) By Kou Cao CHICAGO—A device went off near the Sears Tower today that sprayed cleansing particles throughout the Chicago air, purifying the toxic elements caused by industrial pollution. These same particles purified Lake Michigan and all the suburbs surrounding Chicago. This “clean bomb” was planted by an Arab national and may or may not be an act of terrorism, but at the moment the FBI simply has no idea what the hell is going on. “I don’t understand it,” said Agent Stephen Baker. “This Arab, he is on our list of potential terrorist free agents, but we have no idea what group might have contracted him for this job, and even once we pin that down, we have to figure out why. If you ask me, this whole operation seems redundant. Either bin Laden suffered some serious brain damage or he’s trying to fool us somehow.” “I come to America to spread the purity of goodness,” said clean-bomber suspect Yousef Rajim. “Let the blessings of Allah clean your homeland and your bodies.” Rajim then grinned knowingly. Al-Qaida officials released a tape showing a smug Osama bin Laden, who apparently did not get blown to bits during the war in Afghanistan. A voice in the background kept interrupting bin Laden’s speech, asking if he had anything to do with the clean-bomb in Chicago. Bin Laden just put on an impassive grin. This same voice then asked what the purpose was. “I have no idea what you are talking about,” bin Laden replied with a wink. “I can breathe!” Chicago resident Wilma Clarkson realized, frolicking in her now-healthy garden. “It’s so wonderful! I can’t detect even one amount of toxic vapor! Oh, what a wonderful feeling! It’s like I’m in the mountains!” FBI and CIA officials wore perpetual frowns as they searched the entire Chicago area, taking air samples and scanning for every known disease, finding nothing. FBI Director Muller suspected that possibly this is a ploy to make Americans sympathize with al-Qaida, but given as al-Qaida’s last communiqué with America involved planes smashing into buildings, this seems unlikely. “What in the hell?!” Director Muller asks for us all. |
| NEW REPORT WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN FIVE SECONDS … By The Experts PARK BENCH—Good morning Mr. Phelps. A recent study conducted by the American Medical Association produced a report that will self destruct in five seconds you are on your way to destruction watch out for Charlies in the trees. The report was produced by actor Tom Hanks, who has absolutely nothing to do with the American Medical Association but does believe that there’s no place like home here’s lookin’ at you kid. The report, which has not self destructed yet, was inspired by the real life experiences of actor Christopher Reeve, who’s brave battle with paralysis has made us all say riddle me this riddle me that who’s afraid of the big bad bat Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can. The report has not yet been released to the public, but this will happen when the scientist named Bond, James Bond, figures out what you did last summer Luke I am your father. We will provide continuing coverage of the report as it develops along came a spider I’ll be back. EDITOR’S NOTE: My first warning should have been when The Experts wanted to know what a “bong” was, shortly before they departed for a film convention. My apologies. |
| STAFF Justin The Hun-editor in chief Baron Vince-managing editor Baron Ziegfeld-assisting editor Ludwig-editor editor Kou Cao-very special editor The Experts-what a bunch of losers… |