| Odessa Files |
 |
| OFF WITH HIS HEAD! |
| Publisher: Justin the Hun |
| Volume 2, Issue 6 |
| 6/6/02 |
| AND THEN IT HITS CAROLINA—THEY’RE IN THE FINALS Out of thin air… By Baron Vince DETROIT—Spectators watching the Stanley Cup Hockey Finals were recently treated to a rather unorthodox performance on the ice. The final round of the regular pro hockey tournament features the mighty Detroit Redwings and the surprising underdogs, the Carolina Hurricanes. Carolina seemingly came out of nowhere, and the shock that comes with suddenly rocking caught up with some of the players during Game 2. “I was just skating around,” explains Carolina center Rod Brind’Amour, “hunting the puck, checking the Redwings, you know, doing my thing, when all of a sudden it hit me—I was in the finals! I mean, oh my freaking God! We’re Carolina! And we’re in the finals!” Brind’Amour went stiff as a board in the middle of the game and began to laugh in a fit of borderline insanity. However, he wasn’t the only player to be overwhelmed by the shock of the situation. “We’re here!” exclaimed Carolina goalie Arturs Irbe frantically, waving his arms around and screaming. “We’re in the finals! Say it with me, people! SAY IT WITH ME! WE’RE IN THE FINALS, BABY!” “You’re in the finals!” responded an enthusiastic crowd. Carolina left wing Eric Cole led the audience and his fellow teammates in stirring performances of “Koombayah” and “We Shall Overcome”. Meanwhile, Redwing Brett Hull scored a goal of Irbe; Irbe barely noticed. “Where did we come from?” Carolina left wing Bates Battaglia asked the crowds. “How did we get here?” “We don’t know!” the crowd roared back. “Is this not amazing?” Battaglia went on, all but orgasmic in joy. “This is the greatest moment of my life! Do you know if my family is watching me?” “We don’t know!” the crowd replied. “But turn around, damn it! Chelios just flew right past you with the puck!” Carolina star Ron Francis was stuck hardest by the realization. He stopped dead in his tracks while with the puck and thrust his arms out and his stick back behind him, screaming “VIVA CAROLINA!” Redwing Sergei Fedorov caught the stick full in the chest and spiraled out of control, flipping over the wall into the penalty box at full force. “I can taste my spleen,” Fedorov announced as he was taken out of the stadium on a stretcher. |
| POPE SAYS THAT PRIESTS “MUST ANSWER TO SEX CHARGES IF CAUGHT”; WINKS Holy See no evil. By Baron Ziegfeld VATICAN CITY—In an effort to blow off—excuse me, take action against—the recent string of child molestations committed by Catholic priests, Pope John Paul and his Archbishops and Cardinals have satisfied the masses via the novel and highly effective method of not doing much of anything at all. “Child molestation is a serious offense,” the Pope allegedly said to his inner circle. “The priests who are linked to these incidents must be punished. However, we must not be hasty, or else we’ll lose to the rabble-rousers who are blaming innocent priests for fun. We must have real evidence, wink wink. We must take into account the entire sensitive situation before passing judgment, nudge nudge.” The council of Archbishops went throughout the world proclaiming the intentions of the Catholic church to end child molestation within its ranks, or at the very least get the priests to start molesting children of the proper gender. “Pedophilia and homosexuality,” Francis Cardinal George of Chicago observed sourly. “These are two of the greatest evils in the eyes of the Church. Both must be stopped, but we must be careful and level headed about it, if you get my drift, heh heh, yeah…” “Priests who molest children may not continue to preach,” the Vatican decided. “Unless, of course, they undergo strict psychological therapy instead of going to jail like any other such monster would. In that case, we’re more than happy to release them back into the world.” “Also,” the Vatican stipulated, “priests who commit these crimes cannot be charged after thirty years or so, because they preyed on impressionable children who would never have been able to come forward before now without fear. After all this time, well, we in the Church believe in letting bygones be bygones. Forgiveness, and all that.” “That’s bunk! Kill the slimy creeps!” said the molested youths. “What kind of an attitude is that?” Cardinal George responded. “Jesus would be ashamed. Did he die on the cross so that we could carry petty grudges? No, I think not.” When asked if the apparent reluctance to remove priests had anything to do with the drastic drought of available clergymen, the Vatican replied that it was nothing of the sort, and no they did not have evidence to support that statement, and they suddenly remembered an important meeting they had to go to. |
| ISRAELI TANK COMMANDERS GETTING TIRED OF THIS QUARANTINE CRAP Arafat: “Quarantine starting to lack in originality.” By Ludwig RAMALLAH—Israel’s army surrounded Yasser Arafat’s office compound in Ramallah in response to a suicide bombing that killed seventeen Israelis in a bus, leaving Arafat hopelessly outnumbered and outgunned. Again. This is the umpteenth time that Arafat has been quarantined in his office during the Middle Eastern crisis, and experts agree that the whole “surrounded by high-tech tanks” thing is starting to lose its threatening aura. “Mr. Arafat has been pretty bored with the whole thing,” a Palestinian official said. “We’ve even begun to fix the quarantines into his schedule. Get up, denounce the Jews, meet with the terrorist cell of the day, blow up a few Israeli malls, maybe even raid a temple, come home, eat dinner, get quarantined, complain to President Bush, obtain freedom, laugh in Sharon’s face, go to bed, get up next day and start over.” “It’s getting so that we can’t get a wink of sleep around here, what with all those infidels out and about,” said Abdul Binyamir, a bodyguard for Arafat. “Here I am, trying to do my job, and those over-muscled racists are out there trying to get rid of the man who has brought Palestine so far on its way to the total extermination of Israel and the creation of a Palestinian state. It’s repulsive, I tell you, simply repulsive.” The general consensus is that, indeed, Israel has played the tank card too many times. “Did you hear?” a Palestinian man said as he played cards with his friends. “Yasser Arafat, our leader and beloved patriot, has been surrounded by lethal tanks and enraged Israeli gunmen! Got any 8s?” “Really?” the friend replied. “That was fast. There’s usually another week or so in between quarantines. Go fish.” Israeli tank commanders are raising the most complaints about the topic. “It’s too much for my men and I!” said one General Zadin. “We break out the cavalry and move on forward and then we stop here! Right here! All the time! Never further! We are so close to this man who kills our civilians and we cannot blow him to bits and solidify our hold on the Holy Land. Do you know how hard it is to maintain these troops when they’re this close to such a great thing? Do you? DO YOU?” The United States had some advice for Prime Minister Sharon as to more effective ways of showing Arafat that Israel means business. “We too agree that the quarantine is losing its aura of mightiness,” said Defense Minister Donald Rumsfeld. “Perhaps in the future, Israel should use other, more creative methods. For instance, maybe they could unleash a pack of wild boars on the compound. They’d all be shot down before they got close, but boy, wouldn’t that grab people’s attention! Or, even better, you could load up a hot air balloon with feces and shoot it down right over Arafat’s compound. Again, no harm done, but it really sends a message better than massive, armored, heavily-armed war machines, don’t you think?” America knows best about maintaining image. Right, Clinton? “Forget the quarantine, I say,” Prime Minister Sharon said when questioned. “I say, just shoot the guy in the face. …Did I say that out loud?” |
| 4 GALAXIES COLLIDE IN OUTERSPACE PILEUP—NOW ISN’T THAT OMINOUS? Big bang. By Kou Cao NASA HQ—A recently reactivated portion of the Hubble Space Telescope photographed a massive astral pileup several galaxies down the road. It seems that four separate galaxies smashed together in a fury of lights and colors to rival even Las Vegas. Now, isn’t that just the best news you’ve heard all week? “Wow!” exclaimed astronomer Lucy Hawke. “It was so cool! You could just see how the vast and perhaps populated galaxies were smushed together and mashed like grapes under a steamroller. It was like the Fourth of July, what with all the colors! Fireworks were never this cool!” “It was easily the most interesting sight I’ve seen in years,” astronomer James Diffiden said. “Can you imagine the incredible heat and explosive energy that would be created when a galaxy, say, the Milky Way, crashed into another galaxy and erupted in a series of cosmic explosions that left no one area untouched until the galaxies scraped by and all was calm again? Now if that isn’t wicked cool, I just don’t know what is!” “Oh, we have nothing to worry about,” says astronomy scholar Brett Harper. “The Milky Way is many light years away from this quadruple collision. Judging from these photos…can you imagine a head on collision between a tractor-trailer and a Volkswagen Beetle on a highway? There you have it!” “Of course,” Harper goes on, “our nearest neighbor hasn’t been inching towards us or anything. Well, not that we know of, anyway. Galaxies! You just can’t keep a handle on them. Wild, unruly, and rambunctious, I say! But, you’ve just got to love the little darlings.” |
| STAFF Justin The Hun-editor in chief Baron Vince-managing editor Baron Ziegfeld-assisting editor Ludwig-editor editor Kou Cao-very special editor The Experts-what a bunch of losers… |