7/77/77 Issue 1

FOR THE ROYALTY

Odessa Files

Burger King Mascot Announced McDonalds Counters Publicity by Changing Colors

By Tony Danza BROOKLYN-Here in New York, the long awaited unveiling of fast food giant Burger King's new mascot took place at 10 this morning. McDonalds has its clown, Taco Bell has its dog, Wendy's has its redhead, and Pizza Hut has its hat, but Burger King has never had a real specific mascot other than the annoying Kids Club action figures and the occasional Backstreet Boy. Now, however, they own the rights to the much coveted "Burgers the Happy Ferret." Burgers is a loveable rodent who will appear in all new BK commercials for a while. Comics and toys featuri

many exploits will be sold along with meals to advertise the new mascot. The choice seems favorable by all, and our guys at Vegas bet that two million food-goers will stop at Burger Kings in the next few weeks just to get an image or resemblance of Burgers the Happy Ferret. There has been some controversy, however, in the selection. The opposition is led by the Backstreet Boys themselves, who claim they have been "put out like the cat" by their former advertisers. "I liked being Burger King's mascot," said the man who thinks he is Nick Carter, "I feel betrayed that they would just dump us for some dumb rat."

Others say that the Happy Ferret is too childish, and that Burger King should try to target an older audiance. To respond, when they unveiled their mascot, BK officials declared that they were working on a new form of Burgers for the older audiance. This ferret will sport about six earings in each ear, have a number of tattoos, and come with plastic Fosters cans. To counter the publicity their rival is gaining, McDonalds announced that they were changing the red/white coloration of their restaurants in some areas. Look for the new lavender/magenta McDonalds, coming soon!

What you're not really seeing... Fast Food Rivalry   Foreign Summit to Take Place Varnsfield Charged in Guadeloupe Mess Loch Ness Sighted in Sahara Dajahol to Undertake Religious Quest

Special Points of Interest: -Like food? Read! -International leaders meet in biggest terrorist magnet since...ever! -Gaea Effect renamed Alfalfa Effect. -Horoscope for Aries is still dull.

Royal Olympics to be Held in June Russians skeptical.

By Tom Selik DC-A summit of a different kind will be held in June. World leaders from everywhere are invited to settle their differences in the world's first Royal Olympics. Those who should expect great

results are the Americans. Competing for them are President Clinton in the 500-Meter-Dash-Away-From-Fidelity and Ken Starr in the Archery contest, selected because he misses nothing. Other countries are sending Russian President Putin in the Failed Rescue Dive Competition

and Arab Leader Yasser Arafat in the Sore Loser match against Israel. It is rumored that Al Gore might be a bench warmer in this one. Not everyone is enthusiastic. Take Gennadi Borkinov. "I don't want to go." He stands for Russia, we've decided.

Faraux Nails Varnsfield Guadel la Resistance in Hiding

By Wallace & Gromit BASSE-TERRE-The Guadeloupe scandal has been going on for some time now, and the latest development is that prosecutor Marc Faraux has succeeded in indicting Englishman Alec Varnsfield for conspiring with the terrorist group, Guadel la Resistance. "It is a lie!" screamed Varnsfield as he was taken away in chains. "Varnsfield states your charges are lies," said Judge Pinkus to Faraux with a smirk, "What say you?"

"A fart on Alec Varnsfield, that's what!" laughed a victorious Faraux, who has had his eye on Varnsfield for some time now. Guadel la Resistance is a group of militants who appeared a few months ago. Director Farcewinkle of the CIA, who recently denied the group existed within his country, now comes forward with new evidance. "We knew of Guadel," he said solemnly, "And we were foolish to believe they would not target Guadeloupe. We've also traced

the members down to a slim list. With any luck, we can apprehend the leader before he tries anything drastic." Guadel la Resistance has been in hiding ever since the court condemned Varnsfield last Monday. They are a group with unknown origins and an unknown base of operations, though are considered to be dangerous. In the words of Ret. General Colin Powell, "They'd be downright chaotic if they targeted something worthwhile."

Loch Ness Monster Sighted in Sahara Tabloids going berserk.

By Gilbert Godfried CAIRO-Word reached Cairo yesterday of a large creature sighted in the Sahara Desert. The claim was made by Aman Assad, who was lost in the desert for weeks. He was delirious, vacant, and half dead when he made the claim. Now, however, he is a tabloid superstar.

Assad claimed when he had recovered that he had seen what looked like Elvis. He had assured himself that it was just a mirage, but as he got closer, he saw "horns of steel and thorns of gold". It was not Elvis. It was the Loch Ness Monster. When asked to comment, Investigator Garai Garad

replied, "I'm not even going to dignify that with a response!" So, for those of you who think a water monster can't exist in a desert, remember that anything can happen in a mirage. Especially when delirious. But more importantly, remember that it always has a home on Jerry Springer.

Senator Dajahol on Pilgrimage Many fear for his sanity

By Bob Sagat DC-Senator Mahmoud Dajahol, a Muslim who was elected, albeit illegally, to the American Senate, has announced that he plans to go to the Swiss Alps to the place of his birth. The Senator has had a tragic past. A plane carrying his

parents crashed when he was about to be born. He was brought into life in the cold Alps and saved by rescuers a day later. Now, he claims a voice is telling him that eternal peace awaits him at the site of his birth. "It's called hypothermia, that's what it is!" Dajahol's

psychaitrist spat vehemently. "He hears a lot more voices than that, let me tell you!" So far, we at Odessa don't know how true all of this is, but we'll let you know if anything comes up.