10/25/00 Issue 2

NO GUTS, NO GLORY

Odessa Files

Bureaucratic Olympiad a Great Success Leaders all have a happy day, for the most part...

Inside this issue: Global Olympics a Success Pessismists beat Optimists Earth Passes Away (inserted from a lost issue) Seaman Finds Davy Jones's Locker Woodstock 2000 X

By Da Kid HONOLULU-Last week, the world's leaders all gathered together for the first annual Bureaucratic Olympics, also called Royal Olympics and Diplomacy Olympics in the past. Appearing at the great event were the leaders of several notable countries. France, Britain, America, Germany, Russia (grudgingly), Poland, Ireland, all of Africa, Mongolia, Japan, China, and Brazil were just some of the countries present. "Welcome, my fellow Olympians," began American President Bill Clinton as the ceremonies began

"We people will make this a memorable event, and let us not acknowledge that (expletive deleted) Hussein." As far as the events, President Clinton got a gold in the 500 Meter Dash-Away-From-Fidelity, and Ken Starr took a gold in Archery and a silver in the Indictment Hurdle. Gold went to Clinton again in the 400 Meter Dash-Away-From-The-Draft. My, that man can run! For foreigners, Russia won the Arms Race, but that's ok, we all know who REALLY won that. A note. Yasser Arafat, Arab leader, and Ehud Barak, Israeli leader, were found embracing after they downed about twelve beers. The solution to the world's problems is beer...?

night. "We are here to settle our differences fair and square, and no, Mr. Hussein, that does not mean a gunfight." It should be noted that Hussein was later dragged out of the convention kicking and screaming after he was caught cheating at the Arms Race and tried to "frag" the judges. "May the festivities be great and the friendships be longlasting!" "Indeed, joined President Chirac of France, "We should, how do you say, enjoy ourselves, put our differences behind us, and make peace!" Nothing new from France. "It is my pleasure to be here," said an aide to the leader of Germany, who was feeling a little sick at the moment,

Just to let you know... DEFCON 5 orders issued in Guadeloupe! Mafia founds restaurant food chain! Dead Man Walks! Nostradamus predicts Bovine Holocaust!

Pessimists Shut Out Optimists in 3-Game Series Sometimes, putting on a happy face just don't cut it.

By Saddam(expletive deleted) TRENTON-The pessimists prevailed in their home court in New Jersey, where the glass is always half-empty. The Optimists were defeated in the third game of a three-game series against their

eternal enemies, yet still walked out of the stadium smiling. "Oh well," said one of the grinning losers, "We'll get them next time. We know it!" "It's not fair!" complained one of the sore winners,

"They called everything against us! They made us look like we were pitiful! Yeah, we won, but we could have won by so much more!" It's only fair to say after that that the final score was 125,660 to -6. So, who are YOU rooting for?

Earth Passes Away at Age 2 Billion Millions mourn.

By Lloyd SOMEWHERE-After a frantic night in the Biggest Hospital Ever, Earth died from wounds sustained when Saddam Hussein nuked it with no less than thirty warheads. It was 2 billion years old.

The madness started two days ago when Saddam Hussein, leader of Iraq as well as much of the un-free world, was dragged into a mosh pit (presumably at the Bureaucratic Olympics) and sustained several blows to the head. This ruined his already questionable sanity and he

deployed nuclear weapons across the planet, causing fatal injuries. Funeral services for the planet Earth will be held all next week in your backyard. All are invited to attend.

Seaman Finds Davy Jones's Locker (Blurb article)

By Sean Connery WATER-Wilhelm Hatchet was never a fairly excitable man, but after his discovery last Tuesday, he is ecstatic. It seems Mr. Hatchet has come upon the lost locker of Davy Jones. Mr. Hatchet found the rusted locker floating in the Atlantic waters near his vacation home in Europe. Inside was a diary entry by Davy Jones himself, the old sea dog's gym shorts, hat, and pipe. It has not been discovered if this is really the revered Jones's locker, or just some cruel, sick prank. Mr. Jones himself offered no comment.

Woodstock 2000 X Scheduled November madness is on its way.

By Arnie WOODSTOCK-Several of the most popular names in music today have been paid off to perform at Woodstock 2001 X, the warped version of that great and glorious concert that took place before your childrens' time. We will see the likes of pop stars, rappers big and small, punk artists, and many, many more.

The concert will be a three-day affair. The first day will be Pop Day. You'll hear the best in the business perform and witness some suprises. Already scheduled are several catfights between Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears and a mosh pit big enough for N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys. Rock Day will feature all the best names in its genre as well.

If you stick around long enough, Metallica is scheduled to sue everyone. Lastly is Rap Day. All the billions of rappers in the world will perform, and after this lengthy event, there is scheduled to be a shootout between all of them. The concert is planned for November, but until the artists sort things out with their agents, who knows.