WHATEVER IT IS...DON'T EAT IT

1/8/01   THE DUBYA ISSUE!

Odessa Files

Vice President Cheney Has Heart Attack! Country in shock at this unexpected turn.

Inside this issue: Chest-Pain Cheney Story of Equal or Lesser Value The Dubya Page-3 articles Survivor Holy Land Hijinx Santa For President

By Ari Fleicher DC-Vice President Richard Cheney has suffered a massive heart attack that will most likely leave him paralyzed if not dead...or at least in a lot of pain. This unfortunate event took place in the local WalMart. Mr. Cheney was making a routine shopping trip when allegedly a "crazy woman from the bowels of hell" violently attacked the manager, claiming that there was too much graft and corruption in the store. Mr. Cheney's position demanded he aid his hard working party member. He managed to subdue the woman, but

suffered a stress induced heart attack shortly afterwards. This event is a shock to all Americans, btu in particular, Cheney's boss and partner, George W. Bush. "I, well, I just can't believe this is happening," the President said in a press release earlier, trying to satisfy the bloodthirsty reporters like us, "Dick was always in good health except for a few things the doctors wouldn't call heart attacks...they said 'art hattacks'. What? You think I misheard them? I am the Presididident of the United States! I don't make mistakies!" When George Bush Sr. came to calm down his son, there was a

dramatic moment and a heart-to-heart between the President and the former President, and George W. recovered. "We must stand by Vice President Cheney, so that America will not appear weak in the eyes of our enemies, and so I can have a designated driver when I go out and get plastered during the next campaign!" President Bush knows exactly how to communicate with voters. With Cheney out of comission, foreign countries are beginning to wonder who will run the country, but we speak for all of America when we say "Mind your own damn business."

Special points of interest: Zeus takes the form of a cow and takes away Monica Lewinsky! Mulan voted best movie ever to flop! You CAN'T prevent forest fires. It's a Washington mind trick!

Story of Equal or Lesser Value Take a close look at the unseen.

By Donald Rumsfeld NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR-In every issue of the Odessa Files, there is a story that gets the "bum rap" and takes a back seat to all the others. This more often than not hurts the story's feelings, so this time, in an effort to be good

gospel Democrats, we here at Odessa are going to give this slot to a story of equal or lesser value than the head story. We feel that this will improve the morale of all our stories, and that way, we can spread Odessa's fanatic messages faster throughout the world. At this rate, you can expect

your local politicians to start bending to Odessa's messages in about five days, two hours, and fifteen minutes. So remember. You may not be important, but that doesn't mean people don't notice you.

Biography of George W. Bush 100% Chad Free

By Informant X BUSH GARDENS-the President-elect of the United States of America has had an interesting past. We here at Odessa are as always determined to expose the truth, bludgeon it with an egg beater, and give you our half baked information instead. Georgie Porgie, puddin' and pie, was born in the Lincoln Bedroom during his father's last year in office. Bush Senior, seeing the end of his term at hand, suddenly developed a plan. He put George W. in a device developed by the

CIA and a senator named Al Gore. The device changed George W. into a full-grown man, but since he obviously missed out on everything kids get, including an education, he didn't have a clue. The first task was to find a speech therapist. This was harder than it may seem, and finally it came down to Bubba, the best speech therapist Bush money could buy. Unfortunately, Bubba was also stark raving drunk half the time, and passed on his passtime to Little Bush. So, the very next day,  George W. Bush quaffed a quart of ale and was off

like a shot, cruisin' down the open road. Up until the spike belt, anyway. After this incident fizzled, it came down to passing Dubya through the best colleges in America to learn him as best they could. Finally, it was time for the culmination of George Senior's plan: retake the White House. To do this, George W. would have to go up against the man who had made him what he was-Al Gore.

The Battle for Supremacy Sergeant Stutter Versus Plastic Man

By Informant X BUSH ESTATE ARCHIVES-Al Gore, now the Vice President to Bubba himself (though no one knew of the ties between the President and George W.) was quite a daunting enemy. The man who invented the Internet, the Aging Machine, and pants would be no easy target. What was worse was that Gore could hypnotize any audiance with his monotonous voice.

But do you think that stopped George W? Heck no! His mom wouldn't let him screw up! Her husband had worked too hard on his diabolical scheme. She managed the Republican campaign herself, and even though Dubya called a reporter an ass hole, accidentally released his DUI records, and stuttered on every occasion, on election night, he seemed to be ahead of Al Gore.

The battle was close and heated. State electors were decided with a handful of votes, and the entire country seemed completely divided. The arch rivals battled from state to state. Bush got all the useless states, including Gore's home state, but Gore got all the important ones with big amounts of electoral votes. Then, finally, it came down to one final battle.

Big Rumble in Palm Beach Chads, appeals, and lawyers, oh my!

By Informant X MIAMI-DADE-In the Sunshine State (that's Florida, for all you cave dwellers) there seemed an impossible event: a virtual tie. The undecided states were few, but only Florida mattered. Whoever won Florida got the White House. 25 electoral votes is a big thing nowadays. So, Al and George went to war over it.

The Republicans were led by George Senior and his crew. His son, Jeb Bush, was the governor of Florida, and destroyed a giant amount of Gore votes. Finally, it looked like the plot would succeed! Indeed, Dubya turned out to be the winner in an official tally, but Gore demanded several recounts to make sure, since it was so close. In the end, Gore hauled the

whole thing into a courtroom. There was a bloody battle lead by David Boies against the Florida Republicans, but it failed to overturn the official tally. Pappy Bush was sated; Dubya became President, Martha was ecstatic, and Jeb was...stiffed. More importantly, the Democrats had been subdued! But Gore is still lurking. Who knows what might happen if he ever invents a Deaging Device.

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