| Psychiatrist Office (Accentuate the Positive) CAST Dorothy and Toto—Announcer and pet Dr. Sigmond—Psychiatrist Lector Bates—A man in need of serious help Secretary—Sigmond’s assistant. Molly Milktoast—Insecure woman Bill Clinton—A man in need of even more serious help Hillary Clinton—Revenge is sweet (Dorothy and Toto come onstage. Toto yips at the audience and nearly falls off stage. Dorothy glowers and then puts her sweet smile back on.) Dorothy. In America’s advanced, ever-changing technological society, many citizens feel a sense of hopelessness and despair. Living in a world lacking security and a feeling of belonging, they become confused, withdrawn, and depressed. As a result, many reach out for help through counseling and therapy. Here, we present you with the office of an up and coming Los Angeles psychiatrist who becomes a little…sidetracked. (Stage lights on. Dr. Sigmond is in office, working alone at desk. Secretary enters with Lector Bates.) Secretary. Dr. Sigmond? Your next patient is here. Be careful…he’s quite strange. Bates. Yeah, watch out Doc, I’m a real nutcase. Doc. Don’t worry. You’re forgetting I’m a highly trained, and even more highly paid, professional. Thank you, Miss Ratchet. (Secretary exits.) Good morning, Mr. Bates. My name is Dr. Sigmond. Lector Bates…hmmmm, that name sounds familiar. Have we met before? Bates. No. You probably heard about my cousin Norman. They made a movie about him…I don’t know why. He was such a wimp. He really needs to learn to be more aggressive. Doc. Yes, of…course. Tell me, why are we here this morning? Bates. Why are we here? Why are WE here? You talk like you’re the Queen of England! Why are WE here?! Well I know why YOU’RE here. You’re here to suck the money out of unhappy, confused people like me! I’M here because some neurotic paranoid judge thinks I’m a danger to society. Doc. Why do you call her paranoid? Bates. Because she thought I was going to kill her. Judge Turner was so confused. Doc. Judge Turner? Wasn’t that the judge they found mutilated in Cook County? Bates. (Grinning) Yep! And Lake County, and Will County, and Orange County! Doc. Orange County! They didn’t find any body parts in California! Bates. Not yet! Doc. Well, I, uh…can definitely see you have a problem controlling your anger. Bates. (Stands bolt upright, screaming) I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM CONTROLLING MY ANGER! Doc. Of course you don’t! Sit down, please! Well now, let’s change the subject. We’ll talk about something else. Tell me about your childhood. What were your parents like? Bates. (Goes from insane fury to peaceful recollection mode.) Oh, they were wonderful! Dad was a pediatrician. He loved working with children. He was a very kind, gentle, intelligent man. Mom was a physical therapist. They met at the hospital just after dad finished working his way through medical school. They spent two years in El Salvador together as missionaries. Doc. They sound like wonderful people. However, they were both professionals. They probably worked long hours and you felt abandoned. Bates. No, not really. They always took time out for me. Dad would always help me with my homework and play ball with me in the park. Those were great times. And mom would read to me every night. Doc. That’s wonderful. Bates. Yeah, mom was a regular Martha Stewart. She always kept the house so clean. She was an angel. And dad was a gardener, he grew all of our vegetables himself. Fresh cucumbers and big plump juicy tomatoes, those were my favorite. Doc. So, do you still get along with your parents? Bates. No, we haven’t spoken in years. Doc. Oh, I’m sorry. What happened? Bates. Well, when I was in third grade, every single day my mom would put a fried egg sandwich with ketchup and pickles in my lunch and she always packed my favorite treat, a Hostess Ho-Ho. (Gets angry) But then, ONE DAY, my mom forgot to pack my Ho-Ho. I realized that they didn’t love me! I couldn’t believe my parents would do that to me. It was a conspiracy! Doc. What did you do? Bates. That night I told them I heard the furnace making strange sounds and when they went down to check it out…I locked them in the basement! Doc. Did that make them angry? Bates. Oh yeah, they were pretty mad when I finally let them out. Doc. Well how long were they down there? Bates. Three months. Doc. Three months! Don’t you feel any remorse?! Bates. Well, I felt a little bad, especially when I found out that my mom really did pack a Ho-Ho in my lunch, but my friend Tommy ate it! Doc. Oh no…what did you do? Bates. I took my dad’s chainsaw and cut down the big maple tree in Tommy’s backyard! Doc. Why would you do that? Bates. Because he had a really cool tree house in it. Doc. Was Tommy upset? Bates. You bet he was upset. He was in it! Doc. Right…and how did your parents react to all this? Bates. They grounded me. Doc. That doesn’t seem very harsh. Bates. (Standing, angry again) Oh yeah? They grounded me for TWELVE YEARS! I was in graduate school before they let me watch TV. That’s why I’m a social misfit! Doc. (Standing also) Please sit down, sit down. There’s no need to get excited. We need to calm down. There you go. (Sits, with Bates) Well this is all very interesting. Tell me, have you had any violent or homicidal urges lately? Bates. Well yes…yes I have. Doc. About how long has it been since you felt these urges? You can give an approximate answer. A year? Several months? Bates. Well OK…I’d say about five minutes. Doc. (Oh boy.) Five minutes….? Bates. Yep, about five minutes. (Doc looks at audience in terror) (Secretary rushes in, excited) Secretary. Excuse me, Dr. Sigmond! But your investment Broker is on the phone. Your stocks have just dropped 57%! Doc. (An excuse to leave!) Thank goodness! Huh, err, I mean, OH NO! Excuse me just a minute Lector, this is an emergency! (Secretary and Doc leave. Bates walks around looking at things and being nosy. Suddenly there is a knock on the door.) Bates. Come in. (Enter Molly Milktoast) Milktoast. Excuse me…I…I hope I’m not bothering you. Bates. Nope you’re not bothering me. Yet. When you do, believe me, I’ll let you know. Milktoast. I’m Molly Milktoast… Is this Dr. Sigmond’s office? Bates. Yes it is. (He suddenly stiffens, getting an idea. He looks at the audience with a very evil smile.) Have a seat. Please make yourself comfortable. NOT THERE! (Milktoast jumps back to her feet, squeamish mouse that she is. Bates is clearly having fun.) Tell me…why are you here? (He sits in Sigmond’s seat and Milktoast uses the seat previously used by Bates.) Milktoast. Well Doctor, I have this problem. I’m depressed. No one loves me. No one even LIKES me. Everybody takes advantage of me. I went to a family reunion last summer and no one even remembered who I was! I haven’t had a date in 12 years. Even my dog ran away. I feel like such a loser. Bates. Well, well, very interesting. I’ve seen this sort of thing before. Milktoast. You have? Bates. Of course I have, and in my professional opinion….YOU’RE A LOSER! Milktoast. Oh no!!! Bates. I can help you, though…if you do exactly what I ask of you. Milktoast. I’ll do anything, Doctor! Help me! Bates. All right! Now stand up! Sit down! Stand up! Sit down! Stand up! Sit down! Do you always listen to everything people tell you to do?! Milktoast. Well…mostly yes! I can’t help it! It’s not my fault. I had a horrible childhood. I had a sixth grade teacher who made me do yoga poses and push-ups. He even shot me with rubber bands when I wasn’t paying attention! Bates. (To audience.) What a dirty, filthy, disgusting slimeball! (To Milktoast.) You’ve got to stop listening to what people tell you to do. It’s time to think for yourself. Be creative with your problem solving. (To audience) I have, and it worked for me! Milktoast. (Stands up, determined to succeed) You’re right! I’m tired of being a wimp. I’m going to go out and put my foot down and be the queen of the world! No one is going to stop me! No more Miss Nice Gal! Get outta my way! (She shoves past Bates) Look out world: here comes Molly Milktoast! (Exits) (Doctor Sigmond walks in, depressed) Doc. Oh no, I don’t believe it…I’ve lost everything! Everything I tell you! Everything I have ever worked for! I had to spend fifteen years listening to you wackos to build my fortune, and now it’s gone! Bates. What do you mean? You don’t like being a psychiatrist? Doc. What, are you nuts?! Bates. According to Bellview…yes! Doc. Oh that’s right, I forgot who I’m talking to. Bates. Well maybe this is a good thing. If you don’t enjoy counseling, what would you like to do? Doc. (Lays on couch used by Bates and Milktoast) I don’t know…I always wanted to move to Montana and become a writer. Bates. Very interesting. Tell me more. What was your childhood like…? BLACK OUT (Dorothy and Toto return) Dorothy. Lector Bates cures Molly Milktoast and Dr. Sigmond of their depression and soon many others are coming to Lector for help. Several years have passed and Lector has become a very successful counselor. Of course, he lacks all the necessary education, qualifications, and diplomas, but everyone is too afraid to tell him. Let’s take a look at his office today. Lector has some very influential patients. (Stage Lights on. Bates is in Sigmond’s old chair, talking to a Patient on the couch.) Bates. So let’s review this. You’ve lived a life of deceit and sin, lying to your friends, family and colleagues and yet you believe you’re an honest man , loved and admired by all. You’re obviously in denial and have delusions of grandeur totally unjustified by your pathetic existence. How in the world did you become the President of the United States? Bill Clinton. Hey, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you kill Ken Starr, and I’ll pardon you! Bates. (To audience) I love this job. People like this nutcase make me feel normal. (Clinton jumps to his feet and starts singing American Pie) Bill. Bye, bye, Miss American Pie Drove my Chevy to the levee but Ken Starr got wise. Us good old boys were havin’ milk shakes and fries Singin’ this’ll be the day that I die. This’ll be the day that I die. (As he sings “day that I die” Hillary Clinton comes up behind him with an axe) Bill. Oh, hi Hillary! (She hides the axe behind her back and smiles innocently.) Come on honey, let’s have a sing-along! But first I’d like to take a moment to honor my lovely wife. Let’s hear it for Hillary ladies and gentlemen! She’s such a hard worker and has a great head on her shoulders. Hillary. You won’t have a head period much longer! (Raises axe!) Bill. What was that dear? Hillary. (Hides axe and grins again) Nothing honey. Bill. Let’s sing! (All cast members from all skits come out on stage and sing.) American Pie Cast: Bye, bye Miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry. Us good old boys were drinkin milk shakes and fries Singing this’ll be the day that I die This’ll be the day that I die. (Repeat) FIN |