| Drill Sergeant Librarian (The early retirement incentive plan) CAST Dorothy and Toto—announcer and pet. Mrs. Jackson—principal Mrs. Harrison—vice principal Miss Sniggles—elderly librarian Custodian No. 1—janitor Custodian No. 2—janitor Miss Buttersworth—interviewee for librarian’s post Sergeant Loudmouth Savage—second interviewee, a maniac Dorothy. In our next scene, we take you to the office of a principal and a vice-principal in a typical Midwestern American high school. We would like to point out that any similarities between this skit and the staff and faculty of Clark are strictly coincidental. This story was written for entertainment purposes only, and in no way whatsoever are we trying to imply that the staff here at Clark is even REMOTELY this well adjusted. (Stage lights on. Mrs. Jackson is seated at her desk. Someone knocks on the door) Mrs. Jackson. Vice-Principal Harrison, would you come into my office, please. (Harrison enters.) Mrs. Harrison. Good morning Principal Jackson. What can I do for you? Mrs. Jackson. Mrs. Harrison, I wanted to talk to you about a problem that has been troubling me lately. I am deeply concerned about Miss Sniggles’ ability to control the students in the library. The children are running rampant in there and she doesn’t seem to have any idea how to control them! Mrs. Harrison. I know what you mean, Mrs. Jackson. Miss Sniggles has been here forever. She’s getting up in years and the student population just seems to be getting too rough for her today. Mrs. Jackson. That’s the problem! Last Veteran’s Day, the students ran her up the flagpole. Mrs. Harrison. Oh yes, I remember. How embarrassing. Mrs. Jackson. Mrs. Harrison, she is 92 years old! We need a librarian who is a firm disciplinarian and will not let the students run wild. We need someone younger and sterner. Things have changed since she first started working here. Children just aren’t the same as they used to be. Mrs. Harrison. You’re right. They’re not the little angels we were. Tell me, Mrs. Jackson, when did Miss Sniggles start with us? Mrs. Jackson. 1932! Mrs. Harrison. 1932! My parents weren’t even born yet! I think we should call in Miss Sniggles and talk to her. We really ought to give her a chance. You know she’s been with us for 67 years. Mrs. Jackson. I suppose you’re right. Call her in. Mrs. Harrison. Miss Sniggles, could you come down to the office? (Miss Sniggles enters.) Sniggles. Good morning Principal Jackson and Vice-Principal Harrison. How are you today? Jackson. We’re fine, Miss Sniggles. Harrison. Sit down, Miss Sniggles, we’d like to talk to you. Sniggles. I’m glad you called me in to talk. You know, I think about you two often. I remember when both of you were students here. You were such little troublemakers but now you’re fine, caring, compassionate adults. I’m so proud of you. Harrison. Troublemakers! We were never in any trouble. Sniggles. Oh, my! Don’t you remember tying Coach Ralston’s shoestrings together at the top of the stairway? Harrison. No, I don’t. Sniggles. I bet he does. He spent nine months in traction. Mrs. Jackson, do you remember putting a tarantula in Mrs. Rauscher’s desk drawer? Jackson. No, I would never do something like that! Sniggles. I’m afraid you did. The poor woman died of a heart attack. But, how were you to know that would happen? You were just a child. But now, you’ve grown and matured into a wonderful human being. I know you would never do something like that again. Jackson. (Irritated) Yes, of course, Miss Sniggles. I’d like to get to the reason we called you here. We are concerned about you handling this librarian position alone. You’re getting up in years and we don’t want you to hurt yourself carrying all those heavy books. And the students today, you know they’re a lot tougher crowd than they were back in the fifties. Harrison. Tell me, Miss Sniggles, have you thought about retirement? Sniggles. Retirement! Oh, no, not at all. I love working with the sweet, darling little children. (Principals make coo-coo signs) I’m never going to retire. I’m going to work here until I drop. Jackson. So you’re going to work until you drop… (Sneaky. Gets up and walks around behind Sniggles.) I don’t doubt that for a minute, Miss Sniggles. But tell me, have you heard of our retirement incentive? Harrison. (Surprised) Retirement incentive? Sniggles. No I haven’t, tell me all about it. Jackson. Well, if you retire now the School City will pay you two hundred thousand dollars in cash, plus your normal pension. Sniggles. Two hundred thousand dollars! I can’t believe it! Oh, I feel faint. (She has a heart attack and dies on the table) Harrison. Oh my God! I think she’s dead! (Takes her pulse) Jackson. (Smiling) Well, looks like it worked. We’ll have to hire a new librarian now. Harrison. Hey, wait a minute, I didn’t know we offered a two hundred thousand dollar retirement incentive! Jackson. We don’t. Harrison. (very angry) I don’t believe this! This is outrageous! You just killed a sweet, kind old woman who has faithfully served this school and the children of this community for 67 years without thinking once of herself! Jackson. That’s right, 67 years! Do you know how much she makes with 67 years of experience? Harrison. No, how much? Jackson. Seventy-nine thousand a year. Harrison. Hey, that’s ten grand more than I make! Jackson. That’s correct. Harrison. (To audience) Serves her right! (To Jackson) What do we do with her? Jackson. I don’t know, it’s not in the school handbook. I suppose we should call the custodians. Harrison. (Intercom) Please send the custodians down to the main office. (Custodians enter) Custodian 1. What do you need, Mrs. Harrison? Harrison. We have a messy situation here and we need you to take care of it right away. You understand that this is a…sensitive issue. Jackson. You’re not going to repeat what you saw here to anyone, are you? Custodian 1. No problem Mrs. Jackson, you can count on us! We’ve handled this sort of thing before. Harrison. You have? Custodian 2. Yeah, don’t worry, we’ll take care of this! (They start cleaning up papers on Jackson’s messy desk.) Jackson. No! No! Not that! Not the paperwork! We meant Miss Sniggles! Custodian 1. Why? She’s just asleep again. Custodian 2. Yeah, she’s always falling asleep in the library. Jackson. Look a little closer. Custodian 1. Oops! Looks like she’s dead. Oh, okay, no problem. Custodian 2. We thought she fell asleep again. Harrison. What are you going to do with her? Custodian 1. We’re taking her to the science lab. Custodian 2. We’re going to put her in the fossil cabinet. Jackson. Good idea; recycling is important. Harrison. You’re a very sensitive woman, Mrs. Jackson. Jackson. Thank you, Mrs. Harrison. (Custodians exit, dragging Sniggles with them.) Harrison. Well, Mrs. Jackson, I anticipated Miss Sniggles leaving us sometime soon. Maybe not quite so dramatically, but… Anyway, I have arranged an interview with a librarian I think would be well suited for us. Jackson. Fantastic! Bring her in, Mrs. Harrison. Harrison. Miss Buttersworth, would you please come in? (Enter Miss Buttersworth.) Buttersworth. Good morning. Harrison. Miss Buttersworth, let me introduce you to our Principal, Mrs. Jackson. Buttersworth. Good Day, Principal Jackson. Jackson. Pleased to meet you, Miss Buttersworth. Please be seated. (Buttersworth sits down.) Are you quite comfortable? Buttersworth. Yes, very. Jackson. Good, please tell us about your experience. Buttersworth. I worked at the library of Congress, the medical library at Harvard University, and the Law Library of Oxford. I got my Bachelors at Princeton and I did my Graduate work at Cambridge. Here is my portfolio. (Presents portfolio to Harrison.) Harrison. (Reads portfolio) Very impressive. I see you used to work at Microsoft. What did you do there? Buttersworth. I helped Billy when he would get lost in Cyberspace, and I taught him how to play Monopoly. He was not very good at Monopoly at first, but now he’s pretty good at it. Jackson. May I see that? (Takes portfolio from Harrison) This is pretty impressive, but let me ask you this one thing: what do you think of (evil and hateful) CHILDREN? Buttersworth. Oh, I just adore children! They are all so unique, each one is so different, so beautiful, like different flowers in a lovely bouquet. Children are so full of life, energy, and curiosity. They have so much potential. I would never do anything to distress the little darlings. Jackson. (Stands, shakes her hand) Thank you Miss Buttersworth, we’ll be calling you. Harrison. (Shakes hand also) It was so nice speaking to you. We’ll give you a call. (They quickly show her out) Jackson. (Surprised, distressed) She likes children! Harrison. Apparently so. Jackson. How bizarre! Boy was that a waste of time! Well Mrs. Harrison, I also anticipated Miss Sniggles’ resignation, or should I say “demise”? So, I arranged for an interview with a more assertive candidate. Please send in the Sergeant! (Enter Sergeant Loudmouth Savage, rifle slung over shoulder. He marches across stage singing a Marine chant) Savage. From the halls of Montezuma, to the shores of Tripoli! We will fight our country’s battles on the land and on the sea! (Stop singing and sharply salutes Jackson and Harrison) Sergeant Loudmouth Savage reporting for duty, ma’am! Jackson. Yes! At ease! This is the kind of stuff we want. Harrison. So Sergeant, I see you were in the Marines. What was your job in the Marines? Savage. Demolitions, ma’am! Jackson. What kind of things did you demolish, Sergeant? Savage. Mostly hospitals and orphanages, ma’am! Harrison. Hospitals and orphanages! Isn’t that against military policy? Savage. I like to improvise with my spare time, ma’am! Blowing up ammunition sites seemed too mundane, ma’am! Jackson. Why did you leave the Marines, Sergeant? Savage. I was very politely asked to leave, ma’am! They said I was too aggressive. I kept scaring the Navy SEALS, ma’am! (Jackson and Harrison give each other high fives) Harrison. Tell me Sergeant: what do you know about libraries? Savage. Napalm is most effective, ma’am! Books have a low incineration point. I know a trucker in Ann Arbor who will supply us, ma’am! Jackson. That’s not exactly what we meant Sergeant Savage, but tell me, how are you with computers? Do you know how to run Windows 98? Savage. No, but I can crash it within 30 seconds. That’s 10 seconds off Mr. Jordan’s record, ma’am! Harrison. Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it at all. We can train you with the computers. More importantly, Sergeant, tell me: what do you think of…children? Savage. (All but growls) Children are a disgrace to humanity. I was never a child, ma’am. Jackson. Thank you Sergeant Savage, you are hired! Harrison. Welcome to the team! Jackson. You’re JUST the man we need! (Savage salutes Principals and then salutes audience. Stage lights off.) |