| What Shakespeare Didn’t Want You To See Scenario: Marc Antony’s funeral oration for Julius Caesar has turned the peasantry against Marcus Brutus and Caius Cassius. The two have fled Rome with their respective armies and are planning to make camp at Sardia. Before they arrive, however, they stop to drown their misery at a tavern. Characters Brutus-Marc Murzyn Cassius-Justin Sikes Bartender-Dan Boban Metellus Cimber-Robert Champion Lucius Pella-Mike Bragiel Scene: Inside Odyssey Tavern, Brutus and Metellus are seated at tables. Brutus is slightly tipsy and Metellus is obviously drunk. A Bartender is waiting on them. Brutus. Bartender! Another glass, if you will. Bartender. Good Brutus, this is a filthy way to spend the night. Surely you have some other enterprise more worthy of your time than sitting here in this lonely tavern? Metellus. (With slurred speech) It’s not lonely! We have good food, good drink, and good company! (Hiccups) It meets me well to settle down for a drink or seven before heading off to Sardia. And we’ve come such a far way from…from…ah, I forget where we came from. (Another hiccup) Brutus. Metellus Cimber, get a hold of yourself! This is not a merry occasion. (To Bartender) Sir, my compatriot here forgets that we have come from— Bartender. Rome. I know this already…Marc Antony chased you from the Senate steps, and now you are fleeing from a vengeful Octavius…you already told me. Brutus. I did? Bartender. Indeed, four times. Each time you grow slightly more forlorn and depressed. And I must say, it serves you right. Killing that Caesar fellow was not the brightest of your deeds. Brutus. I acted for the good of Rome, sir. It was no murder we committed; rather it was the liberation of Rome from a tyrant! Metellus. Yeah, and we almost had it, too! (He finishes the last of his drink, very pleasantly intoxicated. He continues on jovially.) Then Brutus here had to go and let Antony speak at Caesar’s funeral. (Crazy laughter.) That was remarkably stupid! Brutus. I hate you. Bartender. And so now what? You’re just going to sit around and wait while Antony and Octavius hunt you down? Brutus. Of course not! What kind of noble Roman would do a thing like that? We’re going to hunt them down. (Drinks the last of his glass.) When we get our armies together, that is…Cassius and I. Metellus. (Completely inebriated) Cassius has big ears! (Hiccup) Brutus. (He has decided to ignore Metellus completely from now on) And like I was saying, good sir, I desire another drink! Bartender. Noble Brutus, you’ve already had five. This is most unwise, especially considering the fact that you have no designated driver for your chariot. Metellus. That’s me! (Nearly falls off his chair, quickly tries to re stabilize himself) Brutus. Gods, no! I’ll walk to Sardia before I let him drive me. He’s much too possessed by the ale already. Bartender. Yes, I believe you’re correct. (He produces a marker and marks an “X” on Metellus’ right hand—not the palm side) No more for you, sir. Brutus. And for me? Grant me but one more drink, sir, I shall pay you well. Bartender. (Sighs) All right, but don’t take it out on me in the morning. (He refills Brutus’ glass) Here you go. Brutus. (Takes glass and chugs it) Thank you kindly. Ah, I just can’t believe this is how it all turned out…I had such good intentions, and such beneficial plans for Rome. Now it has all come to nothing! Metellus. Not so, Brutus! At least we can still die with honor! (He is very happy about this.) Brutus. (Deadpan) Oh, joy. Enter Cassius, looking very guilty. Brutus. Good Cassius, where have you been? (He is finally drunk now.) Cassius. (Immediate and obvious) NO I was not taking bribes from anyone just now! Brutus. Of course not! How could a noble Roman such as yourself do a thing like accept bribes? Cassius. Hah hah, yes, indeed, that is humorous, Brutus. I mean, I would never accept a bribe from Lucius Pella, or anything like that. Metellus. (In his own little world.) Hail Caesar! Everyone. … Metellus. (Drunken laughter) Just kidding! (Hiccup) Cassius. We’ll just pretend we didn’t hear that… Bartender. Ah, so this is Cassius! I heard a lot about you. Can I pour you a drink? Cassius. Yes, several of them. Brutus. Cassius, how did it all happen? (Slurred and obnoxious) We were all so good and noble and happy and gentle, and we made the tyrant fall down! The people were supposed to support us, but instead they drove us out! NOW I’m surrounded by odd, drunken, PATHETIC fools like…like…(Indicates Metellus.) …like HIM! Metellus. I love you Brutus! Cassius. Well correct me if I am mistaken, gentle Brutus, but was not everything going according to plan until you met with Marc Antony and gave him leave to speak at Caesar’s funeral AGAINST my better judgment? Brutus. (He is in a drunken rage, and through his line Metellus is giggling like a fool, cramming peanuts into his mouth.) ANTONY! Antony, that pig of a man! That wretched snake! That toad! (Metellus stumbles and falls out of his chair in a big giggling mess) Metellus. (Explaining what is so funny) Peanuts! Bartender. (Indicates Metellus) What good was a guy like that in a conspiracy, anyway? Cassius. Metellus Cimber was a highly respected figure in the Senate, I’ll have you know. Still, I think he’s just in it for the free ale. Metellus. This is free?! Sir, another! Bartender. Didn’t I mark your hand? Metellus. No! Of course (Hiccup) not! Bartender. …Let me see your hand. Metellus. (Places his left hand palm down on the table.) There! See? No mark! Bartender. …Let me see your other hand. Metellus. (Thinks for a moment and places his right hand down on the table palm up) Like I said! Romans never lie. Bartender. (Losing his patience) Palm down, you failure! (When Metellus does not comply, he flips the drunken man’s hand over himself.) Aha, just as I thought. Sorry, sly one, no more for you. Metellus. (Begins to rub the mark off his hand furiously.) Not for long! Enter Lucius Pella. He is quite an airhead. Cassius accepted a bribe from him earlier. Cassius. (He goes very rigid, knowing that Lucius can expose him to Brutus.) Lucius Pella! Why are you here, worthy fellow? No really, why are you here, and how soon can you go away? Lucius. (Not noticing Cassius.) Fellow Romans, take a look! It was incredible. There was this gigantic mob that just raged out of Rome. Cassius. Indeed! That is Antony’s party. Lucius. But I haven’t gotten to the best part, my compatriots! You know how we’ve got this Cinna fellow among us? Well the mob found this other gentleman, Cinna the poet! They thought he was our guy, and they tore him to shreds! Bartender. They slaughtered a man of rhyme?! Lucius. His rhymes were terrible, I can assure you… Cassius. (The only one who grasps the full meaning of this) They tore him to shreds?! Lucius. Most certainly! There was one man who was holding up this ugly looking squishy thing and shouting “Hey guys, look! I got his spleen!” Cassius. (Mortified) And they were coming this way? Lucius. Indeed! I wonder who they could be looking for? Metellus. (Still rubbing at his hand, very determined.) Anybody got some sandpaper? Cassius. We must leave! At once! They’ll kill us all! How far were they, Lucius? Lucius. Oh, they weren’t too far. I told them I was Lucius Pella and they just kind of looked at me real strange. I think they wanted to kill me. (He chuckles at that impossibility) Cassius. By the gods! How foul a day this is! Come, Brutus! We must fly, now! Lucius. So Cassius…(He adopts a conspiratorial tone) How ‘bout those supplies, eh? When can I get them? Cassius. (Sees that Brutus is coming around.) Not now! Please! Lucius. (Oblivious.) You know, I never thought that YOU would be one to take a BRIBE! Cassius, of all people! (Laughter) Brutus. What’s this…? Bartender. Seems your buddy here was taking bribes. Some noble Roman he is, eh? Cassius. This is preposterous! Good Brutus, surely you know it must be a lie! You were just kidding, right Lucius? Lucius. (Confused) What kind of Roman would ever tell a lie? Brutus. (His stoicism has been defeated by the alcohol.) Caius Cassius! How could you? How could you stoop to so low a measure? I mean, murder and treason, everyone does that, but you would tell a lie? You would accept bribes? Cassius. What, Brutus? (He is caught.) Would you love me any less, my friend? Brutus. I would! (He is drunk, he does not consider what he is saying.) I would love you as I would love the dagger of Marc Antony to be buried in my breast! Cassius. (Shocked) Gentle Brutus, I thought you were a better man than that! Bartender. You’re one to talk… Brutus. What he said! (Indicates Bartender) Cassius. (To Bartender) YOU stay out of this! (To Brutus) And YOU…you love me not! Brutus. (Full blown drunken fury.) That’s right, I love you not! Metellus. (Singsong) I love everyone! (He falls off chair.) Lucius. (He is looking out the window.) So guys, I think we’d better be off if we just were to oh, get out of this area and arrive upon safer grounds? Preferably quickly? Cassius. (Venom) WHY, good Lucius, WHY should we go? As a matter of fact, what makes your fool’s tongue more worthy than mine to speak? Do not interrupt me while I am engaged in senseless bickering! Lucius. But you see…there’s this big mob of people running towards the bar, and I think one of them is holding a spleen… Cassius. (About dies on the spot.) Wha…LUCIUS, why didn’t you SAY something? Lucius. I tried! Bartender. Only one thing to do in this case… Brutus and Cassius. Run away!!! Brutus. Just because we flee together does not mean that I love you! Cassius. And neither so do I love you! Exit Brutus and Cassius. Bartender. Why don’t those two just get a room? Lucius. This always happens! Brutus yells at Cassius and then Cassius becomes pouty, mad and whiny. Metellus. I want to know what a spleen looks like. Do you think they’d show me? Bartender. (Stares blankly, rather unnerved.) I want you to leave my tavern right now and go as far away as you possibly can, you sad strange little man. Metellus. Fine. (He hesitates, and then snatches the bottle of wine on the table and runs out the door, shouting “VICTORY!” as he exits.) Bartender. Hey! HEY! Bring that back! You’ve at least got to PAY for that, you know! (It hits him.) Hey! No one paid me yet! (Calls out door after other two) You scoundrels! Lucius. Well don’t get me wrong, sir, you’ve been very kind and all, but… (He is inching towards the exit.) I like my spleen, and I mean to keep it. So farewell! Bartender. Hold, thief! (He chases Lucius and they both exit, as Bartender says “Freedom! Down with the conspirators!” along with the rest of the advancing mob.) |
| This play is a collective project between myself, Robert Champion, Dan Boban, Marc Murzyn, and Mike Bragiel. I actually wrote the script, but the ideas came from the whole group, which makes sense, as something like this requires many mad minds, not just one. |