| We’re Camping (The Revenge Of The Endangered Species) CAST Bob—nature nut Floyd—Bob’s son, typical good kid Lou—urban slob Rudy—Lou’s son, typical bad kid Forest Ranger—here they come to save the day Dorothy and Toto—announcer and pet Dorothy. Morning has broken deep in the woods. There is a tent containing two brothers who could not possibly be more different. Getting along has always been a struggle for these two men, but every year they go camping with their young sons and try to patch up their differences, stress, and arguments each year seems to bring. One brother, Bob, loves nature and the outdoors, and the other, Lou, is a city dweller whose idea of exercise is standing on the train. In this scene, we bring you to this year’s camping trip. (Dorothy and Toto exit, stage lights on. Tent is alone on stage. Bob emerges.) Bob. Oh what a beautiful morning! I love the fresh air, the trees, the sunshine! I just can’t imagine anything more wonderful than a morning in the wilderness! Come here Floyd, step lively son! (Floyd emerges from tent. Like his dad, he is a total spaz.) Floyd. Yes father, it certainly is a beauteous morning. Shall we go for a hike before breakfast? Bob. Great idea, son. See those mountain peaks ahead? Floyd. No dad, where are they? Bob. Look close son. You can see it just above the treeline. How far do you think they are? Floyd. About 40 miles, dad. Bob. Not bad son, they’re about 47 miles away. Let’s say we hike up to the peak and back! Floyd. Sounds great dad! That should help us work up an appetite for breakfast. (Lou emerges from tent groggily.) Lou. What is all the racket about Can’t a guy get a little sleep around here? It’s four thirty in the morning! We’re supposed to be on vacation, for crying out loud! Bob. That’s exactly why we got up early my dear brother: so we don’t miss a moment of this glorious day! Good morning, tree. Good morning, blue jay. Good morning grasshopper. (Rudy emerges from tent.) Good morning, Rudy. Rudy. Good morning, Uncle Bob. (Like his father, he is a groggy mess) Bob. Oh! Good morning, Mr. Grizzly Bear! Lou. A grizzly bear?! Where?! (Freaks out.) Rudy. AHHHHH! Bob. (He and Floyd are laughing hysterically.) Just kidding! Don’t you love it when we play around just like when we were kids? Lou. (Grasping his chest, out of air) No, I don’t like it! We never played around! You always picked on me! You got all As in school. I got Ds. YOU were good in sports, YOU were president of Student Council, YOU had the lead role in the school play, YOU were in the chess club, band, and everything! But I couldn’t do ANYTHING except get in trouble. Even Mom and Dad always told me “Why can’t you be more like Bob?” Bob. Yeah, but you’re the one who always had all the girlfriends! Floyd. Yeah, so does Rudy! I wonder why that is? Rudy. Girls always like the bad boys better. Floyd. They do? Rudy. Yep, they do. Floyd. Why is that? That doesn’t make any sense to me. Lou. I never understood it either. It’s just one of those mysteries of nature. Floyd. (Eagerly, to Rudy) Can you teach me to be bad? Rudy. Sure I can! Bob. Floyd, get over here! Floyd. Yes, dad. (Very disappointed.) Bob. Hey, Lou, I’m sorry I woke you up so early. I just wanted you to get up so I could share this glorious morning in the wilderness with my big brother. I’m really sorry for waking you up and for the all the times I picked on you when we were kids. Will you ever forgive me? (Boys go to a tree stump and begin to play poker. Floyd begins to lose all his camping stuff to Rudy as Bob and Lou talk.) Lou. Hey, none of that old stuff matters. You’re my brother and of course I forgive you. But tell me something Bob, what do you find so glorious about sleeping on the damp, hard ground in the middle of nowhere only to wake up at four thirty in the morning just to go out and hug trees? It’s got to be thirty-eight degrees out here. I’m freezing! And there are bugs everywhere! I bet there are even snakes in these woods. Rudy. (Looks up from game) Snakes? Dad let’s go home! Bob. Snakes? You bet there are snakes, but don’t worry: most are harmless, you know. (Ominous) Except, of course, for the Copperhead Viper! It’s like a rattlesnake. It has huge fangs and is very deadly. One bite from a copperhead and you’re a goner, and it’s totally silent. You never even know its there until it sinks its fangs into you and injects its deadly poison! Lou. Copperhead Vipers! Do they have them here? Bob. You bet they do! This place is CRAWLING with them! Especially in the woods over there. (Points stage right) You have to be real careful. Didn’t you see the warning sign when you drove in? Lou. The warning sign? The warning sign?! Let’s see! I saw the warning sign for mudslides, rockslides, flashfloods, poison ivy, poison oak, poisoned water, scorpions, sinkholes, gopher holes, killer bees, fire ants, and bears, but gee, I must have missed the warning sign for Poisonous Copperhead Vipers! Tell me! What do they look like? Bob. What do they look like? Lou. Yeah, what do they look like? Bob. Well, they kind of look like…they kind of look…LIKE THAT! (Points right by Lou) (Lou screams and jumps around like a nut) Lou. AHH! Hey, wait, there’s no snake! I can’t believe you did it again! Don’t DO that to me! Bob. Relax Lou, it was just a joke. Can’t you just loosen up and try to have some fun? Lou. I AM TRYING TO HAVE SOME FUN! (Rudy and Floyd come up to join their respective parents for the song.) We’re Camping—By Justin Sikes, Dan Boban, Joe Jordan, Marc Murzyn Bob and Floyd (They sing all upbeat and happy) We’re camping, we’re camping, we’re having a blast! We’re forgetting our ulcers from trips of the past! When the sun rays are hittin’, we’ll go skinny dippn’! We’re camping! We’re camping! We’re camping! Lou and Rudy (They sing in tortured voices) We’re camping, we’re camping, with snakes and mosquitoes. We’re far from our homes with TV and Doritos. We’re tent-making flunkies, Rudy: A bear ate my undies! We’re camping…we’re camping…we’re camping. Bob and Floyd We’re camping, we’re camping, we love the fresh air! We’ve almost forgotten last year’s beehive scare! We’ll study some bugs and make bears into rugs. We’re camping! We’re camping! We’re camping! Lou and Rudy We’re camping, we’re camping, they made us go camping… Rudy: My uncle, he thinks he’s a stupid Marine! Lou: If he sings Kumbaya one more time then I’ll SCREAM! We’re camping…we’re camping…we’re camping. Bob and Floyd We’re camping, we’re camping, the sunlight is golden! Who cares if the food that we brought is all moldin’? Around the campfire we all might expire We’re camping! We’re camping! We’re camping! Lou and Rudy We’re camping, we’re camping…Lou: Nature called in the trees! I looked around, but no paper to be seen! I used poison oak, Rudy: He yelled something obscene! Both: We’re camping…we’re camping…we’re camping… All We’re camping! We’re camping! We’re camping! Lou. You know, Bob, I’m starting to think you’re right. This camping stuff isn’t all that bad. I’ll admit it…it really is nice out here. Bob. Thanks Lou. And I want to tell you that I’m really sorry about all the teasing, Lou. I meant it to be good-natured. Lou. That’s all right Bob, don’t even mention it! I’m having a great time! Look at this beautiful forest. Just five minutes ago I would have been afraid to march into that thick forest but now it looks so inviting. I’m going in. Hello forest, I love you! (Runs off stage right) Bob. Wait Lou! Don’t overdo it! Rudy. Be careful Dad! Floyd. Can you see him? Rudy. He’s disappeared! Floyd. Will he be okay, Dad? Bob. I hope so, son. (Lou reenters with a snake hanging from his belt loop) Lou. You were so right, Bob! The forest is beautiful. There is nothing to be afraid of. Nature is glorious, full of God’s little creatures. I love you, man! (Hugs Bob. Bob sees the snake.) Bob. Ah…ah…Lou? I have to tell you something. Now don’t get excited, but there’s a snake in your pants. Lou. (Laughing hysterically) Yeah right. Sure there is, Bob. As a matter of fact, I think there’s a grizzly bear in my tent. (Looks in tent) Hi there Mr. Grizzly! Sure hope you don’t eat me! Bob. No Lou, I’m not kidding this time! There really is a snake in your pants. Lou. Wait a minute! Stop! I hear a herd of stampeding elephants! I love it Bob, now that I know you’re kidding you are pretty funny. This is too much fun. (Bob, Rudy, and Floyd are looking horrified and nervous) Now, cut it out Bob! Enough is enough, you can’t fool me anymore. I have to sit down to catch my breath, I’m laughing too hard! (Lou sits down on the tree stump laughing. Suddenly, the laughing stops and his face scrunches up in absolute terror.) UH OH! Bob! Bob! There’s a snake! THERE’S A SNAAAAKE! Bob, Floyd, and Rudy. Yes, we know! Lou. What am I gonna do? If it bites me, someone has to suck out the poison! Bob, Floyd, and Rudy. YECH! Lou. You’ll help me, won’t you son? You wouldn’t let your old man down. You wouldn’t let me die. Rudy. (Thinks about it) Uncle Bob! Can I come live with you? Bob. Of course you can, Rudy. Floyd. (Still wants Rudy to teach him how to be bad) This will be great! Yippee! Lou. I can’t believe that my own brother and my own son are going to let me be killed by a copperhead viper! (Forest Ranger rushes in out of breath and immediately goes to Lou) Ranger. Don’t move. Relax. Don’t get exited. I’m here to help. I saw this nut running around through the woods with a snake in his pants. I’ve been trying to catch him. What are you, some kind of weirdo cult member? Lou. Oh, thank you! Thank you! You came to save me! Ranger. No man, I came to save the snake. It’s a rare endangered species. I got a good look at it, and don’t worry. It’s not a Copperhead Viper; it won’t hurt you. Lou. It’s not? Well, what is it? Ranger. It’s a Spotted Beetle Eater, and don’t worry, it won’t attack humans. As a matter of fact, all it does is burrow into the ground and search for insects. Lou. That’s a relief! I was really worried. I thought I was a goner! (A look of terror and a couple of spastic jerks seize Lou) IT…IT…IT BURROWS?!?! (Goes absolutely berserk. Runs around trying to get snake out of his pants. Succeeds and screams at it) Don’t even think about it!!! (Settles down, glaring at Bob evilly) So, Ranger, you say this snake never bit anyone? Ranger. No, never. Lou. Has it ever strangled anyone? Ranger. Not that I know of. Lou. Well, just watch! (Runs at Bob, ready to strangle him with snake) Bob. Lou, Lou, calm down, Lou! (Lou chases Bob around the stage, screaming a war cry. Ranger, Rudy, and Floyd sit down to play poker. Curtain falls.) |