| One night in 2004 my friends and I went to Canada on a whim. We drove up to Niagra Falls, crossed the border, and proceeded to get dinner at an Applebees. When it came time to pay the bill, my friend couldn't find his wallet. He ran out to the car and found it sitting outside the driver's door. He got lucky. We paid the bill, went sight-seeing, and then left Canada. It wasn't until we got back to Rochester that I realized I had lost my keys, probably at that goddamn Applebees. I called them, but sure enough, they said they didn't have them. A likely story. But stealing people's keys and overcharging for ribs is only half of what's wrong with Applebees. It is a restraunt chain with a secret, sinister mission. Have you ever really studied the inside of an Applebees? I have, and let me tell you, it's no coincidence that all the pictures are of white people and Sammy Davis, Jr. The overarching theme to any dining experience at Applebess is that life was better when segregation was still around. Think about it: Marilyn Monroe, Casablanca, Gone With the Wind, these are the major decorations of any and every Applebees, and they're all mementos of a long-lost racist era. Don't believe me? Check this out. |
| -A Google Image search of Applebees brings up the following photos: |
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| Applebees has got more crackers than an hors d'ouevres table. Still, you're not convinced. Let's see what the Applebees website has to say about this. |
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| Oops, still only white people in these actual photos from the website. I don't know what makes me more pissed off: that Applebees caters solely to whites, or that so many goddamn people want to have their pictures taken at an Applebees. Hey assholes! It's a chain fucking restaraunt! You can find one in every city you go to. Just pull over and ask someone where all the lame tourists go to have dinner. Or just keep driving until you don't see any black people, which you're probably already doing anyway, since you're the type of person that loves to eat dinner while sitting between a photo of Fred Astaire signed by the manageer and one of Elvis picking lint out of his belly button. |
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| EATIN' GOOD IN THE WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD |
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| But still, there are people out there that don't believe me, and to them I have only this to ask. If the KKK wanted to go out and have a nice, sit-down dinner, where would they go? Don't think too hard on this one. |
| A lot of people will read this and say that I'm wrong. Actually, about 4 of the 5 people that ever read this site will say I'm wrong, and 1 is probably just skimming. In any case, go prove me wrong. Go to your nearest Applebees and see who's eating there. Then take a look next to you and see who's on the walls. And for Chrissake, don't order the ribs. |
| UPDATE (4/2/06): Real message from Jared Engel: "Hey Evan, just calling to tell you that I just passed an Applebees and it was populated solely by black people, so... yeah, not just one black person, but only black people, so I guess your little theory about Applebees is wrong. Bye." |
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