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| EPISODE III IS BAD | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Was I fooled again? How was I so stupid?? It was in January when my little brother called me in to see the new Star Wars trailer. After the let-downs that were Episodes I and II, I had given up hope for Episode III, until I saw that fantastic trailer. 'Perhaps,' I thought, 'this could be the one. Those last two were just mistakes.' Much as I tried not to, I had high hopes for the final installment of the Star Wars saga. Luckily for me, Lucas made sure those hopes were dashed from the minute Episode III began. "WAR!" read the first word of the last text to ever fly through space. 'Oh,' I thought, 'Never mind.' In chronological order, here's what else sucked about Episode III: Revenge of the Sith: |
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| BATTLE DROIDS | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Those flippin' battle droids are still sarcastic and full of personality, just as they were in Episode I. I'm pretty sure one had a New York accent and said something like, "Put 'em up!" Drones like these guys shouldn't have individual personalities, and they definitely shouldn't have New York accents. Boston would have been better. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| R2-D2 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| I chose to use a picture of a kid as R2-D2 because that's who will enjoy the droid's antics. Whether he's spraying bad guys with oil and lighting them on fire or just flying around for fun, R2-D2's comic relief in this otherwise heavy film is reminiscent of Jar-Jar Binks. Thanks for ruining an otherwise great character, George. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| GENERAL GRIEVOUS | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| As if the first two films didn't whore out lightsaber battles enough, here comes a droid with FOUR of them. "Count Dookoo trained me in your Jedi ways." JEE-SUS. The battle is followed by the most annoying chase scene of all time, between a loud machine and an even louder lizard-type thing. Sucks. I hate you, Grievous. I hope you know that. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| THE SCENE WHERE PALPATINE REVEALS HIMSELF TO BE THE SITH LORD | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Episode I: 'I wonder who the Sith lord is.' -Qui Gon Episode II: 'We really oughtta figure out who that Sith lord is.' - Obi-Wan Episode III: 'Oh, it's you. Well, I'm not happy but, like, it's OK.' - Anakin You would think that after hunting him for 2 films, the moment when Palpatine comes out and says, 'Yeah, it's me,' would be a big deal, but the movie acts as if he's just telling Anakin he has herpes. Did they even have music in this scene? |
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| YODA STILL TALKS BACKWARDS | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| I watched Empire last night, and I know Yoda doesn't always talk like a dumbass. "Not if anything to say about it have I." Did Lucas just forget??? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| NATALIE PORTMAN TAKES A BREAK FROM ACTING |  |
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| After doing an awesome job in Closer, Natalie Portman is tired. Tired of acting. And seeing as how Lucas didn't put much effort into writing the love scenes, why should she put anything into the acting? Oh, Natalie, your songs dissolve like my life never will. If Lucas had gotten someone else to write this, maybe this talented actress would have given a talented performance. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| KILLING JEDIS LIKE IT AIN'T NO THANG | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| N.G. got high last night and raised this good point. Why didn't the Jedis sense that they were going to be betrayed? After all, the people involved were stormtroopers, the weakest-minded people in the galaxy. Even if they didn't see it coming from a mile away, why didn't the Jedis do anything about it when it happened? These guys went down without a fight. Palpatine, too, took out Jedis like sacks of garbage. This isn't nitpicking; this is the Great Jedi Purge. More than 2 Jedis in the whole galaxy should have seen it coming. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| THE LAST 10 MINUTES | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| The last ten minutes saw some of the worst parts of the film: Portman's forced birth and naming scene, Yoda and Obi-Wan's go-nowhere exchange regarding immortality, the not-so-subtle Frankenstein reference, and the still unexplained choice to leave Luke with Owen Lars (you know, that thing that sets up THE WHOLE OTHER TRILOGY). | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I'm too pissed off to write any more. Anyone who still thinks Episode III was OK can call me at 585-YOU-SUCK. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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