| Ah, the holiday season. A time when people of all faiths set aside their differences to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, to paraphrase Bart. Late December always brings with it a banal predictability that many people find comforting in this crazy world, myself included. As soon as the Thanksgiving turkey is half-digested, I know I can count on a few things: - TBS will begin its "31 Days of A Christmas Story" completely commercial-free. - AMC will bank on everyone getting sick of A Christmas Story and begin its "31 Days of It's a Wonderful Life" - John Madden will once again brag about stuffiing a chicken in a duck's vagina. - Bill O'Reilly will save Christmas...again. - Nobody will give a fuck about the Jews. But things went different this Christmas. No, no one cared about the Jews, but this December 25th America was hit by a whammy of the unexpected: James Brown, beloved singer/dancer/crazy motherfucker, was dead. At first, I couldn't believe my ears: Dylan's new album is completely blues??? Then I thought about James Brown again. That seemed out of the ordinary as well. But it wasn't over. Oh no. We barely had time to change into our leather capes of mourning when we lost another hero, arguably even greater than Brown. Gerald Ford, our beloved president, was dead. His death came as a shock to everyone: Due to a hysterical SNL sketch from ten years back, most Americans believed Ford had died in 1996 after being attacked by a group of wolves. The sudden realization that he had been alive this whole time - and that perhaps he was that guy at the bar that no one knew - filled many people with a deep regret for telling all those Nixon jokes. After Ford's death, everyone thought the week of surprises was over...but they were wrong. America, pissed over the whole Ford thing, sought retribution in the only way it knew how: taking out some Iraqis. Everyone knew that no amount of ordinary Iraqis could compensate us for our loss (I mean, Ford's face should probably be carved over Lincoln's on Mount Rushmore right now). No, there was only one Iraqi whose murder could even come close to making us feel right again: Saddam. And we got 'im. We even taped it, on the off-chance there was anyone left in the world who didn't believe that we are that fucking nuts. Oh, we showed them. Even after we hung Saddam like he was a hand of bananas, America still felt like something was missing. Apparently Gerald Ford's huge national presence couldn't be filled overnight.We continued in our mourning, wondering what surprises the next week would bring. Though it seems unbelievable in this sea of despair, I believe there is hope for next week. God doesn't let a good deed go unnoticed, and Gerald Ford certainly had his fair share of good deeds. He pardoned the highest-ranking criminal in history, for Chrissake! No, Ford's track record as a good guy - combined with the proximity of his death to the birth of Jesus - can only mean one thing: he's coming back. And he won't be alone. Ford will be resurrected with his good friend of many years, Mr. James Brown. And, in the spirit of the holiday season, they might even bring Saddam back with them. And, in the spirit of a 1950's Godzilla movie, they'll be a three-headed fire-breathing, laser-shooting hyrda. |
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| The Holiday Spirits |
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| I really think that's all I can say on this subject. |