TOP 5 MESSAGES ON BUSH'S ANSWERING MACHINE

Using top secret sources and other fictional characters, I have managed to secure classified messages left on the answering machine of George W. Bush, President of the United States.  These messages have never before been made public for lack of security clearance and existence.  But now, at last, I give you the transcripts of the top 5 messages on Bush's answering machine.

#5: Hey Mr. President!  It's the Constitution, just checking in.  Um, haven't spoken to you in a while...wondering what you're up to...Gimme a call sometime, cause, you know, I'm here....um....oh, I heard something about a gay marraige thing the other day, and I just wanted to make sure that I was in the loop on that.  I know you wouldn't add an amendment to me without speaking to me about it first!  Call me George! Bye!

#4: George.  This is Dick.  I'm having surgery on Tuesday.  I need you to be president again while I'm under.  It won't be for long, but I'm going to have Karl there to make sure everything goes OK while I'm gone.   Please be good for him while I'm away George, OK?  He's doing me a big favor.  Don't stay up too late.  There's chicken in the fridge if you get hungry.  And...[voices in the room] what?  You're shitting me!  George, I have to go, Scooter just got indicted.  Um, that means that he's been accused of a crime.  Big people talk.  Got to go.  Bye.

#3: Hey George, this is the ghost of Terry Schiavo, just calling to say thanks for all you did to try to, um, help me.  Things are really going pretty well right now.  Better, actually.  I'm staying active, flying and all, meeting with some old college professors, and learning to play the harp...um, eating lots of Philadelphia cream cheese...it sure beats lying on that uncomfortable bed all day!  So yeah!  I guess I'll be seeing you eventually...oh, shit, probably not actually....well anyway, it's the thought that counts.  Thanks George!

#2: Hey fucker! Guess who?!?!  You can't catch me!  Na-na-na-na-boo-boo!  I got you so good!  You'll never catch me fucker! Hahahahahahaha!  Jihad your face!  Jihad right on your fucking face!  Actually, I wanted to call you to tell you about my next plan. There's a bomb in a train station in Chicago, and the disarm code is - write this down George - Pen 15.  Did you get it?  Haha! I made you write PENIS!  Hahahahahaha! I love you bye.

#1: Hey George, it's me, Evan, and I was just down in my basement looking for a croquet set and wouldn't you know it, I found those weapons of mass destruction.  I totally forgot....Saddam asked me to hold on to them during a UN inspection a few years back, and they must have been down there the whole time.  So....yeah, sorry man.  I guess I should have told you about that before the, uh...well, that whole war thing.  Sorry.  My bad.  Anyway, gimme a call buddy.  I'm dying to talk to you.

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