Why Should I Pick Up?

My voicemail gets a lot of use.  I get messages from friends, family, employers, people looking for my sister, people looking for their clothing, and thousands of other colorful characters.  These messages bring me such joy that I decided to share some of them with the rest of the world.  The people who left these had no idea they would end up on the Internet, and in their interest I pledge never to do this again.  The following are  excerpted transcripts of actual, factual messages left in the six days between June 18th and 23rd 2005 (I made this page a long time ago, but never posted it)  I've inserted some comments where necessary, but otherwise everything is as it actually was on my machine.

(Loud party noises in background) Nate: Evan, uh, here you're...no, here's a really great business proposition: You start a business that makes custom-made fortune cookies.  So, like, you have one that's like, "Evan is gay!" and you save the fortune cookie and then give it to someone and it would be really funny.  Here's Jones. Chris: Or we could make fortune cookies that all said "Chris is Big Poppa and Todd likes men."  I think that would be a good plan too. Nate: I apologize for that.  He didn't tell me what he was going to say.

Chris: I feel as if I'm part of like a select group like, like, a small group of people who know this big secret.  AND, the secret is that shaving your balls - or for those in Spanish-speaking denominations 'juevos' - um, is a great thing.  I think I'm stuck on it because, you know what Evan, I did it yesterday and my balls are like, it's the coolest freakin' feeling in the whole world.  I did it in the shower and oh my god, it was...fabulous.  I'm just letting you know, I did follow-through with the Rage card and my balls feel excellente, and I may be going for the full-throttle shave, um, later this afternoon. [I have no idea what the 'full throttle shave' is, but I'm scared]

Gwen: Hi, it's Gwen, and it is dark out, and it is scary and, mwahah, I'm on a secret mission, and I'm...scary.  All right, secret mission, secret mission, Ok, it's a really good cause, but it's really scary, and uh, I was gonna call you and talk to you so- whoa GOD - so I wouldn't be scared, but that, that's not going well.  I'm just talking at you.  Ha!  I think our little secret mission's discovered! Oh, Ok, it's going well.  The mission is going well.

Susan Engel: Evan, um, hi, I'm at the lake, and it appears that the oven is broken.  It appears that the knob was turned in the wrong direction.  So, I really would appreciate a call as soon as possible.  Ok? Um, just tell me what happened. Ok... I...we can replace it.  Just let me know what happened.  June 20 5:34 PM Susan Engel: Evan, it's 5:45, I'd like you to call me as soon as possible.  It's Monday night, um, I know you're gonna check your messages tonight [my mother has absolutely no reason to believe I'm going to check my messages tonight].  Please call me as soon as you get this.  Ok? So I'd like to hear from you on Monday night.

ADDITIONS

Richard Engel: I know I'm getting old and confused, but I believe today is your birthday.  So, if it is, happy happy birthday. Note: It was not my birthday.

Veronica: Evan...hey it's Veronica.  You left me at the bar.  Um, it's 5 AM and I'm just sitting here with the bartender and he's...eye-sexing me.  It's the most horrible moment of my life.  Please come get me.  Bye. I have NO IDEA who this is or what she's talking about, but she knew my name.  The morning I got this message was the saddest day of my life.

One artist's rendering of "Veronica."

When I first drafted this site I had a lot more messages, but unfortunately I waited more than 21 days and lost them all.  In any case, this is just a small taste of what it's like to be me.  Once again, I pledge never to do this again.

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