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Liberals and Conservatives: A Tale of the Tape |
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People are always asking me, "Hey, what's that thing on you neck?" I always tell them about the twin brother that wasn't meant to be, and then they ask me, "Who's better, liberals or conservatives?" It's a hard question, and one that desperately needs to be answered. I wanted to be fair about this, so I deciced to look not to the modern day but to history, as history tells no lies. I've paired up famous historical figures of both ends of the spectrum to finally answer this timesless question. |
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FAMOUS CONSERVATIVE: |
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FAMOUS LIBERAL: |
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Hitler was a bad, bad man. |
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Gandhi freed India from an imperialist power and contrary to popular belief did not smell like cuetips. |
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Mohondas Gandhi |
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Adolf Hitler |
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EDGE: LIBERALS |
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Churchill saved Britain in World War II and was rewarded by being voted out of power. Also, the club where I spent New Year's Eve was named after him. |
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Stalin was a bad, bad man. Also, I don't know of any clubs named after him. |
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Winston Churchill |
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EDGE: CONSERVATIVES |
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Joseph Stalin |
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Jesus preached equality and love. Today, we buy equality and love from Snapple. |
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Reagan was quite a guy. |
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Ronald Reagan |
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Jesus |
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EDGE: LIBERALS |
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King championed the Civil Rights Movement in the 1960's and wrote the 95 Theses in the 1500's. |
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Vader was big into the military and financed the Contras. Oh, wait, that was Reagan again. |
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Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. |
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Darth Vader |
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EDGE: LIBERALS |
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Poor college student whose aunt desperately needs Social Security |
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Millionare who spends all night bruising druggies and thugs |
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Batman |
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EDGE: TIE |
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Spiderman |
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Though he rebelled against the establishment, Washington was quite conservative. Also, that whole cherry tree thing is really a clever metaphor for sex. |
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Mao inveneted Chinese communism and squirt guns haven't been made in the U.S. since. |
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Chairman Mao |
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EDGE: CONSERVATIVES |
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George Washington |
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Marx wrote books about the rights of the proletariate which were read only by the elite. |
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Bruce Willis has appeared in over 2 films with Samuel L. Jackson. |
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Bruce Willis |
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Karl Marx |
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EDGE: CONSERVATIVES |
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Ah, nutsack. It's a tie. Guess we'll all have to keep reading the news. Sorry folks. |
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HOME |
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