SCARF RHYMES WITH BARF

ITHACA, NY - Unseasonably warm weather a few days ago brought people outdoors for once.  On the quad people were studying, outside of the dorms boys threw footballs around gleefully, and everywhere on campus  attractive women merrily paraded around in skits and tanktops, as if to say, "The weather is hot and so am I."  One could hardly disagree.  Unfortunately, this paradisiacal moment was not to be shared by everyone, for on this day of damn near eighty degrees, I witnessed a hot girl wearing a scarf.  Now there's nothing inherently wrong with scarves.  Hell, I've been known to wear a few myself.  But, like condoms or voting booths, scarves cause problems when they are used improperly.  And this scarf was definitely being used improperly.  Specifically, this scarf was engaging in a phenomenon called, "Dehotification" or "D-hot," as it is known to experts. D-hot occurs when a girl improperly uses clothing or make-up to intentionally make herself less attractive, as was the case a few days ago.  Scarves are notorious players in D-hot, ever since they were first used  to make Tina - the hottest member of S Club 7 - look less attractive.  Experts say that girls following Tina's lead began wearing scarves to make themselves look less hot, and it worked.  They also point out the rhyming relationship between the words 'scarf' and 'barf,' claiming that it causes men to subconciously link the wearer of scarf to vomit.  Let's take a look at scarves in action.

Observe what happens when we take Hot Chick X (left) and put a scarf on her.  Though she has not actually become any less hot, it would certainly appear that she has.  This is Dehotification in a nutshell.  The effect gets worse depending on the type of scarf used.  For example, take a look at what happens to our subject when she puts on a really ugly scarf.

This scarf is really ugly.  In fact, it's probably a dishrag.  Observe the effect this dishrag has on the girl's appearance. This is prime Dehotification.  I wish I was making this up, but D-hot is all too common in today's liberal society.  Women are allowed to wear whatever the hell they want, and more often than not it's something from the kitchen, as Hot Chick X is doing in the picture to the left.  Fortunately for everyone there is a way to combat the negative effects of D-hot.  Scientists have invented as oral supplement that not only reverses the effects of D-hot, but increases self-esteem, volume, and utterances of the phrase "I love you man."

They're calling their invention 'beer,' which stands for Babe's Evil Effect Reverser.  Not much is known about it yet, but early reports say that beer can counteract D-hot results for up to five hours, depending how much is used and whether or not you ate a big burrito right before.  Thanks to lax FDA oversight, beer is already available at most supermarkets, gas stations, restaurants, bars, stadiums, post offices, and beer festivals, the latter of which have seen a huge increase in turnout ever since beer was introduced.

So to recap:  Dehotification = bad.  Scarves used in D-hot = also bad.  Beer = good.  Burritos = also good.  Writing this article = procrastinating.  And hungover.