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STAR WARS FANS ARE STUPID |
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It's sad, but explaining to Star Wars fans why the last Star Wars movie sucked has become a regular habit of mine. It seems like every 3 years George Lucas comes out with another prequel that further tarnishes the reputatations of himself and his work, and every 3 years some lightsaber-wielding 35 year old IT manager comes skipping out of the theater telling me how great that film was. It usually goes something like this:
Star Wars Fan: "DUDE!!!"
Me: "I know you're not going to say that was a good movie."
Star Wars Fan: "That was SUCH. A GOOD. MOVIE!"
Me: "No man, it sucked, and here's why. (Kick-ass explanation of why
film sucked)."
Star Wars Fan then pauses sullenly, thinking over everything I've just said.
Star Wars Fan: "DUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!"
Then the fans always go on and pick the most inconsequential part of the movie and hold it up as some sort of film-saving silver lining. Here is what they usually say after each film:
EPISODE I: "Dude, Jabba was in it. That was sweet."
OR
"Dude, Natalie Portman is so hot."
EPISODE II: "DUDE!! There was a Yoda fight scene!!!"
OR
"Dude, Natalie Portman is so hot."
EPISODE III: "Dude, Anakin was so bad. SO BAD!"
OR
"Dude, I think I'm gay." |
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Maybe I'm being too harsh, but I have a serious bone to pick with these fans. Since the day Lucas put his fingers on a keyboard to write Episode I, marketing execs at Lucasfilm, Kenner, Fox, and elsewhere have been figuring out how they can turn these films into video games, action figures, sodas, and lawn fertilizers that the fans will buy. Because the marketers know fans will buy anything and everything with a Star Wars logo on it, they are allowed to crappify the films with useless characters, technologies, and even scenes if they think it will turn a buck. |
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But the fans' negative influence isn't limited to marketing blitzes. As George Lucas acknoweldged in a recent interview with Entertainment Magazine, the fans obsess over every frame, every sound, and every color of every Star Wars film, game, book, or lawn fertilizer to the point that any continuity-break is looked upon as an insult to the sacred order of the IT managers. While making the prequels, Lucas had a billion fans breathing down his |
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neck, telling him what had to go where and who had to say what so that the prequels would be in accordance with the originals. The result can be seen in go-nowhere scenes like the one at the end of Episode III in which Yoda tells Obi-Wan that Qui-Gon is going to teach him how to be immortal. Fine, great, that scene made everything all right in Star Wars land, but it doesn't do anything for the rest of the audience that sold their Return of the Jedi bed sheets when they moved out of their parents' house.
In short, because they consume indiscriminantly and because they obsess to the point of living through the medium, Star Wars fans ruin the very thing they love the most. Some of the more critical ones can bitch about how much the prequels sucked, but they have to share the blame for it.
And before some of them raise their lightsabers in protest to my hypocrisy, let me say this: Yes, I know it applies to me. I know I used to buy all the Star Wars crap, and I know that I used to watch the movies relentlessly. And yes, I still own my Return of the Jedi bed sheets. The only comfort I have is that I realize my role in the downfall of Star Wars, and I don't get my panties in a bunch if Greedo wears a red vest when he's supposed to wear an orange one. It's when Greedo shoots first that I begin to get pissed off. But that's a whole nother issue. |
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