My Tapeworm & Me

I was eating lunch the other day and somewhere between a slice of pizza and a sandwich I had an epiphany: I eat at least 3 times more food than I used to on a daily basis, and yet I haven't gained a pound.  What's my secret?  Do I work out?  Have a fast metabolism?  You'd think so, but in reality, I'm pretty sure I just have a tapeworm.  For those of you who don't know, a tapeworm is a parasite that clings to the intestinal wall of its vertebrate host and eats all of his food.  The tapeworm grows in size, but the person doesn't.  According to the Columbia Encyclopedia, "Human tapeworm infestations are most common in areas where there is fecal contamination of soil and water and where meat and fish are eaten raw or lightly cooked."  When I read this, I tried really hard to think of a place where I could have been that fits that description.  Then I remembered:

LYON HALL -Fecal contamination of soil and water? Check. -Raw meat? Check. -Raw fish?  No way to know for sure, but probably... A couple weeks ago my roommate cautioned me, "Hey, we should really throw that meat out.  It's been in the fridge for, like, a few weeks." And I was like, "Yeah, definitely" and then I made myself a sandwich with it a few minutes later.  This, I figured, was the origin of my parasitic guest.

But then I thought about it some more and I realized that Lyon Hall, nasty though it is, couldn't possibly be the source of my tapeworm.  Well, it could, but I think I had one before I came to college.  In fact, based on the evidence, I think I've had one since middle school.

See where the graph levels out?  That's where I got my tapeworm, right around 8th grade.  I think it may have been at a school dance.  I knew I shouldn't have gone to those things.      My initial reaction was, "How do I get rid of this thing?"  The idea of having a large worm living in me was exceedingly repulsive.  I figured I could try the old-fashioned way and put my mouth over a cup of hot milk and wait until he crawls out, but at this point that's kinda unreasonable.  I mean, after living in my stomach for over a quarter of my life, he's probably bigger than my cat. But then I gave it some thought.     My tapeworm was with me through all of high school.  A lot of crazy stuff happened in that period, and lots of times I felt like I couldn't tell anyone about it.  But, lo and behold, there was a tapeworm with me all along.  It was there when I got my license.  It was there that time that Jones and I got shocked by a radio tower.  It was there when that big guy almost killed Todd because he threw a Christmas ornament at his car.  It was even there when I slept with Todd's mom. It knows all of my secrets. This tapeworm is the best friend I never knew I had.

If anything, I should be trying to figure out what to do to make my tapeworm stay.  If I play my cards right, I could keep this thing for life and never be alone again.  "Hey Evan, are you here by yourself?"  "No, man, I got my tapeworm with me."  Except people might not get that, so I should give him a name.  I'm thinking Edward.  Yeah, Edward the Tapeworm.  I think he likes it.         So my recommendation to you readers is go get a tapeworm.  It's awesome.

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