THE UNBLOODIEST WEEK EVER

The Unbloodiest Week Ever earned its title by being the only week in recent memory to be totally consumed by talk of death, to be plagued by mutliple well-publicized deaths, and to not incurr a single drop of blood.  3 famous dead people hogged more attention in this one week than the nearly 20,000 dead Iraqis have gotten in the last 3 years.  Just to throw that out there.  Anyway, on with the body count.

#`1 TERRI SCHIAVO Now before you go all nuts, relax.  I'm not going to get political about Schiavo, because it's a stupid thing to get political about.  That said, let's check out the stats.      DIED: March 31, 2005, after having her feeding tube pulled 13 days prior.  Her life was the subject of debate for over a year.     FAMOUS BECAUSE: Republicans think it's OK to kill black men who steal hamburgers but not white women who have been vegetables since the first Bush Administration.  (I lied).      BLOODSHED?: 0.

#2 MITCH HEDBERG Hedberg was one of the best (if not the best) nationally-known stand-up comic there was.  He was freakin' awesome.       DIED: March 31, 2005 of a heart attack in New Jersey.      FAMOUS BECAUSE: Clever one-liners, like, "I'm against picketting, I just don't know how to show it."  and, "I was listening to XM radio, and they don't have many ads, so after a while I start to wonder, 'What should I buy?'"       BLOODSHED?: 0

#3 POPE JOHN PAUL II After meeting him, Bono called him, "the first funky pontiff." Bono is a tool, John Paul II probably wasn't.  Sure he was Catholic, but he didn't let that stop him from being cool.        DIED: April 2, 2005 after about a month of waiting and seeing what hospital he had been admitted to this week.      FAMOUS BECAUSE: He was the freakin' pope.  Also, he was the first non-Italian pope in 455 years and traveled a greater distance than all the other popes combined. He opposed contraception (boo!) but spoke out against unbridled capitalism (yay!). He once met Bono, who gave him a pair of his signature wrap-around shades.  Afterwards, the Pope was heard to remark, "Sunday Bloody Sunday is their only good song."*       BLOODSHED?: 0.  And I thought the Church was supposed to be a big source of violence...

All told, this week was a big let down.  Perhaps next week some celebrity will die a horribly gory death, but I'm not counting on it.  Man.  What do I do now?  I wonder if the Jackson trial is on.... *I just made this part up.                                                                HOME