When my roommate found me I was a wreck. I was sprawled out on the floor, knocked unconcious by the outrageous badness of this sub. A thick, honey mustard-flavored foam had formed around my mouth and a pile of meat that should have been in my belly was instead in a heap by my side, having fallen out of the poorly-constructed sandwich. My bitter tears had already washed the mayo from my cheeks, and for some reason my pants were off.
As I regained conciousness, I tried to remember what happened. Why was this sub so bad? How was it possible for one man, who works at a sub shop no less, to make such an evil creation? I retraced my steps, and eventually found an answer.
I remembered that as I stood patiently watching this neanderthal construct his abomination, he spoke to his coworker. His conversation went something like this:
Satan's Sub-Maker: "Hey man, were you at the meeting on Monday?"
Other guy: "No, I couldn't make it. What did I miss?"
SSM: "Well we got these great new posters with Colin Powell and Condi Rice on them."
Guy: "Great. That oughtta show those liberals who's really in favor of equality."
SSM: "For real. I hate black people."
AH HA! It suddenly became so clear. The person who made my sub was A REPUBLICAN. I quickly thought of every sub I had ever eaten in my whole life, and realized that they had all been made by liberals, the obvious exception being the near-lethal sub I had devoured not 10 minutes before. From my pocket I pulled my List of Things Republicans Are Good At, a copy of which I've included here.
I write these words for a purpose, and that purpose is to warn others so that they might avoid my fate. If you are buying a sub and the person making it starts to say stuff like, "Spending is the problem," or, "Marriage is between a man and a woman, and that's it!" or the all too common, "Man, do I miss Reagan," then get out of that place, because that sub could very well be your last.
